Partner leaving me because I called him a cunt

[harrycantdrive]

I’m 6 months pregnant. Around 12 weeks into my pregnancy my partner stopped being positive and happy about it and became distant and quiet, lots of silent treatment, too much drinking (in my opinion anyway) etc etc. On a few occasions I called him a cunt for being so nasty to me without explanation. I text it a few times too. Since then we talked more and I thought we had got back to how things were, however, he came home drunk yesterday and I said this is the start of awful behaviour again, to which he said ‘it will give you an excuse to call me a cunt again…’ I then said I thought he was being a cunt previously and if he starts being nasty again I will think he is a cunt again. (Yes I am aware how childish this sounds written down). He’s now said today that actually he doesn’t want to be with someone who could have called him that and he’s leaving. I am too exhausted to even begin to argue or reason with him. I’m devastated that I will be alone while pregnant, I never wanted that for me or our baby. I keep feeling guilty that I have ruined our family unit by what I said and then the next moment I think hang on, this isn’t on me, he’s been a terrible partner and I lashed out. I get that the relationship is over now regardless, I can’t look at him the same way anymore, but I now carry this consuming guilt that if I hadn’t snapped and used such terrible language that maybe we would have resolved things. I’m so tired and sad.

Yeah he wanted an excuse to leave, and he found one.

Using one word in response to what sounds like sustained nasty behaviour from him does not put you in the wrong.

Those people saying “you sound toxic to”, “he doesn’t have to put up with being verbally abused” and other smug and saintly comments don’t understand what it’s like having someone behave in an emotionally abusive way towards you over a sustained period.

It’s not your fault Op. Many men show their true colours when you’re pregnant.

@AmITooOldToDoThis I don't think it will come out saying the c word... Honestly! When you are pregnant the last thing you need is someone else guilting you! I was so stressed during my first pregnancy and baby came out the most chilled baby ever, second baby I was chilled and played him lots of piano music.. he is crazy! Please don't worry OP. Just focus on baby. Coming home roaring drunk when you are pregnant and vulnerable is not a sign of a mature responsible father. TBH I'd have called him a cunt to his face too sorry! Actually no on second thoughts, that word is too good for him!

Crikey! To me it sounds like he actually is what you called him.

OP, I suspect he’d never have successfully parented children if he’s selfishly swanning off like that already. The drunkenness is completely deplorable and I’m surprised so many posters have ignored THAT serious problem, in favour of attacking YOU over a few words.

“…he came home drunk yesterday and I said this is the start of awful behaviour again, to which he said ‘it will give you an excuse to call me a cunt again…’ I then said I thought he was being a cunt previously and if he starts being nasty again I will think he is a cunt again. (Yes I am aware how childish this sounds written down). He’s now said today that actually he doesn’t want to be with someone who could have called him that and he’s leaving…”

Not childish at all. In this quoted para you are discussing WHY you talked in such a way. He needed to be shaken awake by you telling him what you thought. Yes, it’s an extreme word, but sometimes strong criticism is needed. Just my ‘two penorth’ really…

It very much looks like he wanted an excuse to get out anyway.

“He’s never once apologised to me.” says it all. He wants you to take all the blame – he clearly wants you ‘under the thumb’.

And a Yay! to @Whataretalkingabout and @Comedycook .

Don’t feel guilty OP, have a gander at this to feel better about it all:
https://www.openculture.com/2012/05/stephen_fry_language_enthusiast_defends_the_unnecessary_art_of_swearing.html

You're being verbally abusive. That's a horrible word. If my husband kept calling me that, it would be the end for me. What's the point in the relationship if there's offensive name calling? He's right to leave.

He sounds like he has been behaving like a cunt.

He isn’t wanting to leave because you called him a cunt. He’s wanting to leave because of whatever has made him moody and drunk.

You didn’t wreck things. He did. You just said what you saw, which was a cunt.

You could take him at his word and tell him to leave now. Saying that you don’t want to be with someone who is moody and drunk to the point of being arrested but will not tell you the root cause of it. Make a fresh start with the baby.

I agree he wants out of the relationship. He knows people will think he is a cunt for walking out on a pregnant partner so he is making what you did into a huge deal to turn the attention away from him.

if he is leaving him family for your poor choice of words he is taking a piss.

Trust me, people use the word!

How much are you supposed to tolerate though - it’s not like there’s been a minor disagreement - he has been moody, distant and drunk to the point of being arrested and won’t communicate any kind of reason to the op, despite her best efforts to be supportive. That is a cunt in my book.

Really? She uses the C word repeatedly and blames it on being pregnant and you are apologising for her?? Nope.

She is not blaming it on being pregnant. His awful behaviour is the driving force behind this. Have you actually read what he has been up to, getting so drunk he was arrested, refusing to speak to her, etc? He is appalling.

By calling him a cunt it seems you have saved yourself and your child from a lifetime of silent treatments, distancing, putting up with a drunk partner/dad… abuse, in other words. Good on you!
Move on and don't look back.

I agree, this rationale sounds remarkably close to 'you made me do it'. And it wasn't just a one off loss of temper, it was said repeatedly and also sent by text!

OP you need to own your reaction, the toxic relationship is partly on you

I’d be out that door so fast if someone called me a cunt. Who gives a fuck that you’re pregnant. No excuse.

He sound horrible, calling him names wasn't great but I can see why you did tbh.
The relationship sounds fairly awful and not one that a child should have to witness so it's probably for the best that it's ended now. Let him go but make sure he pays his way!

You were both abusive to each other. I think he was right to end it, but sad that you couldn’t both get it together.

Agreed.

To some people, 'cunt' is just a word.

If my partner called me a cunt, or I him, we'd both just laugh it off - Where we live, it's a common word, and certainly not worthy of being automatically labelled 'verbal abuse'.

I can't vote OP because it's obviously something he's saying he's not comfortable with, but with how you have described his behaviour before hand it's hard to tell if he is being genuine.

Would he feel the same if one of his friends called him that during a disagreement?

If not, then you have your answer, he was looking for an out.
If he would, then I would apologize but remain firm that his behaviour was not okay and that was what has pushed you and your relationship to the edge... Then you move on and focus on you and the baby, if he wants to blame you entirely then let him. It's not your business anymore.

This all sounds so toxic and dysfunctional, the only person I feel for is the poor baby who is about to be brought into such a nasty environment. A dad who gets so pissed that he is arrested for his behaviour and a mum who is verbally abusive. Niceee

Absolutely. Parenthood will test your patience a lot more than someone calling you that word.

Let the man be on his way. How long have you been together?

Hypocrisy to high heavens 😳

I haven't read the whole thread but I've skimmed it enough to be a bit baffled by the negativity towards you, OP. It's a classic example of Mumsnet black and white thinking (i.e. 'calling someone a 'cunt' = bad, ergo, OP = bad'). So I just want to add my weight to the more reasonable responses on here that focus on his terrible treatment of you - don't feel guilty, OP... he's behaved appallingly (like a cunt, in fact) and you calling a spade a spade is in no way the headline incident in this sorry affair. It's on him - try to remain calm and focus on your lovely baby.

You were abusive. This won't have been the first time. He's had enough

It depends on how you usually communicate.

Some people use the F word as an adjective (to mean big, a lot, very etc.) and also drop the c word unflinchingly.

Others use the c word as a verbal punch.

Which one would you say you are?

Sorry- haven't read all the other posts. However, from what I've observed and read, a man needs to feel respected in order to feel valued/loved etc. Perhaps swearing at him wasn't a good idea though I do understand a lack support when you feel you need it most, is frustrating. Also, have you read the 'Five Love Languages?' I'm sure it's been mentioned on a forum here, but again it could be that his love language is 'words of affirmation'. That is, he feels appreciated/respected and loved when he hears words of positivity from you rather than the opposite. That's probably why he reacted so strongly. Apologies, I'm no counsellor but I hope my thoughts on your situation help you in some small way.💝

Since when is this kind of filthy gutter language acceptable? I’d leave anyone who used that word. You’ve shown him who you are by using such a foul word and he doesn’t have to put up with it.

Totally agree and can't believe some are so ready to blame OP when he's clearly abusing her.

OP, you called him a cunt because he's behaving like a cunt. I'm sorry he's chosen such a bad time to reveal his true colours, but you and your baby will be better off without someone who acts like this.