Partner leaving me because I called him a cunt

[harrycantdrive]

I’m 6 months pregnant. Around 12 weeks into my pregnancy my partner stopped being positive and happy about it and became distant and quiet, lots of silent treatment, too much drinking (in my opinion anyway) etc etc. On a few occasions I called him a cunt for being so nasty to me without explanation. I text it a few times too. Since then we talked more and I thought we had got back to how things were, however, he came home drunk yesterday and I said this is the start of awful behaviour again, to which he said ‘it will give you an excuse to call me a cunt again…’ I then said I thought he was being a cunt previously and if he starts being nasty again I will think he is a cunt again. (Yes I am aware how childish this sounds written down). He’s now said today that actually he doesn’t want to be with someone who could have called him that and he’s leaving. I am too exhausted to even begin to argue or reason with him. I’m devastated that I will be alone while pregnant, I never wanted that for me or our baby. I keep feeling guilty that I have ruined our family unit by what I said and then the next moment I think hang on, this isn’t on me, he’s been a terrible partner and I lashed out. I get that the relationship is over now regardless, I can’t look at him the same way anymore, but I now carry this consuming guilt that if I hadn’t snapped and used such terrible language that maybe we would have resolved things. I’m so tired and sad.

You both sound awful and it’s a very toxic relationship. It must be better to split now and not expose a child to this type of thing.

There’s clearly no love here. Make a clean break.

We're in the real world here, not the world of Instagram videos from touchy-feely counsellors. Please stop shaming OP for being human and losing her temper in a very very difficult situation.

Honestly if you are calling your partner horrible names and your partner is treating you poorly then the relationship is already heading for disaster. I’d never ever call my husband something like that and I wouldn’t tolerate being spoken to like that either.

Yes calling someone a cunt is verbally abusive. But getting drunk to the point of being arrested and crashing around waking you up, refusing to tell you how he felt giving you the silent treatment etc was all emotionally abusive...and I think a lot of people putting up with that when they are pregnant and vulnerable and needing some extra support would cause most people to snap to be honest. Basically, he was acting like a cunt.

Ooh I’ve read this book ‘How to be the perfect 1950’s wife even if your man treats you badly’ it’s by Billy Big Bollocks, it’s a great read.

If my boyfriend called me a cunt you'd bet I'd dump his arse. Being pregnant is no excuse, have you been together long or was it a case of "times ticking he'll do"? Doesn't sound like a great relationship on either side, but I do wonder how you will cope as a single mum with your hot temper?

I would not put up with being called that once, I'd walk out the door.

@SunIsShininInTheSky I am hopeful I will be my usual self moving forwards and when I’m not exposed to drunken behaviour and stress of silent treatment etc. But I agree I should manage my responses better if I ever find myself involved with someone who turns out like this again.

I totally agree!

He’s a grown man. If he can’t cope with being called a cunt in the heat of an argument, he may not cope very well with challenges in life.
I lived with a man a bit like this. He would very purposely upset and provoke me until I ended up telling him to fuck off. Then he’d take the moral high ground because “you swore at me!!!” He’d kept a calm tone (of course he had, he was the one controlling the situation), therefore he was the reasonable one.
He was from a rather formal family where nobody EVER swore (though his dad constantly belittled his mum in company), while my family enjoy a bit of casual swearing and see it as no more than healthy venting.
Now with a lovely chap who understands that a “fuck off” can be meant in the moment, and no further, and who doesn’t play mind games during the washing-up.

It was the arrest that really made me despair but before then there was a build up of weird and pretty cold behaviour. It was incredibly confusing as prior to this we’d had a nice relationship and he had been at the scans and all good. I asked so many times why he was being off with me, I’d do my best to start afresh each morning positivity and nothing made any difference he was just unkind. I just wish I hadn’t resorted to the shitty language as he will just refer to this in future as if that sums up nearly why he’s not around. I guess I feel annoyed about that as it wasn’t just that I put up with his shit behaviour but I actively tried to help him and be good to him whilst he was doing it!

@Samamfia yes he is very calm when defending himself and it makes me feel sick as it’s almost like he has no emotion, yet I am there in tears totally confused by what’s going on!!

‘I lived with a man a bit like this. He would very purposely upset and provoke me until I ended up telling him to fuck off. Then he’d take the moral high ground because “you swore at me!!!” He’d kept a calm tone (of course he had, he was the one controlling the situation), therefore he was the reasonable one.’

Yep. This is abusive goady behaviour. I can’t believe so many here can’t see it.

Sounds like he's been a cunt. You called him out on it. No one wants to be with a cunt. Lucky escape.

He's single now go and get your prize.

Seems like he went off the idea of having a baby by week 12.
Hes using your language as an excuse to blame you for the break up.
Then he can justify leaving you whilst expecting his baby it to himself and his family and friends.

I would talk to him about his thoughts on becoming a dad.

Would you be ok with his drinking and being arrested?

Bizarre that we're all concentrating on you calling him that (which you shouldn't have) and not that's he was nasty and drunk and being drunk more often.

Typical pile-on though. The issue is his silent treatment and nastiness, among other things. Poor, poor man, being called a cunt. I weep for him.

Honestly? I am not excusing his behaviour but you sound completely unwilling or incapable of accepting any responsibility yourself.

You immediately turn any potential admission of guilt back onto him. If he is an adult and responsible for his actions though, so are you.

I would not put up with being called such names even once. I have been with my partner for 10 years, we have 3 DC, we have never called each other names in an argument. So yes it would be a big deal if he called me a name like that and he has every right to feel the same.

There is only so far the "he/she made me do it" excuse can go. And IMO it does not stretch to verbal abuse.

I'm really glad for all 3 of you the relationship is over, it sounds like you are not compatible because neither of you are capable of overcoming issues in communication. It doesn't mean either are bad people deep down but you obviously can't support each other the way partners need to.

You do need to figure out how you will co parent though, can you explore counselling?

OP, you will be better off without dragging some pathetic loser of a moody, man-cunt along with you through life.

If he was behaving like a cunt I don't think you calling him one is particularly bad TBH.
Stop blaming yourself. I used to do this when I said or did something that set my XH off. I'd beat myself up about saying something thinking if only I'd said it in a different way he wouldn't have kicked off but I didn't realise he WANTED to kick off and was just waiting for an excuse.

He was arrested for being drink and disorderly would your husband do that while you were pregnant.

Verbal abuse is abuse. Sounds like you are better off apart.

I wouldn’t be with either of them, they both sound vile.

Who calls their partner names and thinks it’s ok?
If she didn’t like his behaviour she should have done what he’s doing and left.

If he posted saying his side with his bad behaviour and then tried to blame all of his bad behaviour solely on his partner, I'm pretty sure people would have the same reaction.

The issue is not who is wrong and who is wrong-er, it's about a relationship being unworkable if people within it cannot self reflect accurately and be willing to take responsibility for their own behaviours. This is especially true when the behaviour can be construed as abusive and not just unpleasant.

Plus (and I would think this either way obviously), we only have the OP's side of the story.