Partner leaving me because I called him a cunt

[harrycantdrive]

I’m 6 months pregnant. Around 12 weeks into my pregnancy my partner stopped being positive and happy about it and became distant and quiet, lots of silent treatment, too much drinking (in my opinion anyway) etc etc. On a few occasions I called him a cunt for being so nasty to me without explanation. I text it a few times too. Since then we talked more and I thought we had got back to how things were, however, he came home drunk yesterday and I said this is the start of awful behaviour again, to which he said ‘it will give you an excuse to call me a cunt again…’ I then said I thought he was being a cunt previously and if he starts being nasty again I will think he is a cunt again. (Yes I am aware how childish this sounds written down). He’s now said today that actually he doesn’t want to be with someone who could have called him that and he’s leaving. I am too exhausted to even begin to argue or reason with him. I’m devastated that I will be alone while pregnant, I never wanted that for me or our baby. I keep feeling guilty that I have ruined our family unit by what I said and then the next moment I think hang on, this isn’t on me, he’s been a terrible partner and I lashed out. I get that the relationship is over now regardless, I can’t look at him the same way anymore, but I now carry this consuming guilt that if I hadn’t snapped and used such terrible language that maybe we would have resolved things. I’m so tired and sad.

This.

Haven't read past the first post but my first thought was ...

You've handed his excuse to leave on a plate. He wanted to leave.

I wouldn’t put up with being called that repeatedly either, but it sounds like your relationship isn’t good for either of you anymore anyway.

Agreed 100%! I'd rather be called a cunt than told im not particularly good looking, my nose is wonky and my personality is similar to drying paint. Somehow people are so offended by a four letter word. Other words have so much more power!

I also think he was looking for an excuse to leave. And guess what? I also think he’s met someone else. If you hadn’t called him a cunt, he would have found another reason.

He gave you the silent treatment and once got so drunk in public that he got arrested.

You called him a cunt on quite a few occasions.

You're as bad as each other.

I think you need to let go of the idea that there is a villain and a victim in a relationship breakdown, and if you're not one you're the other.

I think you can see now that your relationship wasn't working and had become toxic. In these situations, it's best all round if you split, and I think you have acknowledged that. Worrying about who's the bad guy, and what people will think, and who's winning on points - all that stuff is ridiculous, really.

I think this sounds like a horrible toxic relationship and your baby deserves better.

Whether you stay together or split up, you need to learn how to co-parent civilly.

No….you?

The OP was too much of a coward to end the relationship when his behavior became objectionable.

This isn't an either/or situation; they both behaved badly. There is no value in arguing over whose behavior was worse. The fact is she could have ended the relationship rather than resorting to being verbally abusive. He could have ended the relationship rather than resorting to abusing alcohol. OP needs to own her behavior instead of saying "but, but, but he was worse."

He wanted an excuse and used you verbally abusing him as an excuse.

Tbh once it gets to that stage it's game over anyway. Just focus on your pregnancy and yourself.

No I wouldn’t call random people it, but I dont swear at people in general. I still don’t find her swearing using that word worse than any other swear word. Would you be as offended if she called him motherfucker? Or dickhead?

His behaviour IS worse than hers, but that’s just my opinion. Swearing at someone when really frustrated isn’t the same as ongoing verbal abuse, it just isn’t. Otherwise any arguments could be classed as verbal abuse if there is shouting? What he’s done to her I’d argue is emotional abuse whilst she is in a very vulnerable state.

I'd leave a partner who called me a cunt too, but I'd also leave one who treated me the way he treats you.

I'm sorry OP, but it was clearly a terrible relationship and neither of you were going to be your best selves in it. Still, you need to take responsibility for yourself.

Work on co-parenting well together. You can still do that.

You called him a name, which he deserved because of how he was acting. I really don't know why people on here are making him out to be a victim?

It looks like he has been acting like one anyway ! Who wants a man coming home drunk when you are pregnant?

It is a word that a lot of people get uptight about - I'm not one of those people and I understand why you used it.

Something will have happened further down the line........his "cuntish" behaviour is unfair on you. It sounds like he is not ready to be a dad and acting very selfish.

STOP beating yourself up about it - it was a word you used in frustration because he was acting like one !

Look after yourself & baby - this may be a big blip & might resolve in time - However remember that you would not have used the "C" word if you had not been pushed - why should you blame yourself- As I said , it sounds like he was acting like one anyway.

He was treating you like shit so you'd leave him. You didn't.
You called him a name and he saw this as a perfect chance to play the victim and end it.

I don't like that word. I feel like we're getting to the pont where there is no depth we won't sink to and make it the norm.

If my husband called it me once, I know I'd forgive him. But if he not only called me that but repeatedly texted it to me as well, I'd be done. Because clearly there is just no affection or respect. What would be the point?

I get you were angry with his behaviour but you don't address it with name calling. What happens when your child maddens you that much? Will you think its acceptable to call them a cunt, too?

They can both be victims and aggressors. A normal, loving relationship doesn't include one person calling the other a cunt "because they deserve it". That's not how you're supposed to relate to your life partner.

No one in the situation is a victim. But a lot of people, myself included, wouldn't put up with being called a name. They are both permitted to decide what behavior they're willing to put up with.

MNers often say they'd leave a man who called them a cunt. Depends on how you use the word.

OP, it's his excuse. That's all. He wants to leave. Let him go. He's a cunt.

Exactly...clearly these people are complete saints who have never had a cross word with their partner?! Or remember what it was like to be pregnant and hormonal? Yes you said a bad word as you were frustrated, angry and wanted to drive home the message that his behaviour was unacceptable. But equally he could have said I am not happy with the word you used please don't ever say that again and I'm sorry for my behaviour let's get on with raising our beautiful child and do better for him/her. But he didn't. He has been acting weird lately. Screams affair to me! Or terrified of having a child/losing his freedom/ has his own hidden until now mummy/daddy issues. He is just trying to blame you for the potential split rather than owning it and admitting he is leaving the mother of his unborn child rather than trying to work things out. For what it's worth...my DH freaked out when i was pregnant with DS1 and I found out a whole lot of dodgy stuff he'd been doing including online gaming/gambling spending money we didn't have. It was an immature reaction to realising he would no longer be the centre of attention. When the baby was born he improved dramatically, he had to as I made it clear I would have left if he hadn't. Maybe some time separate will help clear your head anyway. Ask yourself what you want for you and your baby. Is the way he treated you acceptable? Is that the sort of father figure you want? Good luck OP.

Your baby has been hearing these interractions. :(

I think the point is that people don't use the word. And they don't expect their partner to use it to them

Yes, very true. OP may be willing to put up with the things he does - presumably she is, if she didn't want to end the relationship - but he doesn't have to do the same.

Work on co-parenting, OP. Even people who can't have a relationship can still be good co-parents.

Sounds like he doesn’t want to be with you and he is using you swearing as an excuse.

Ugh, mumsnet has become so sanctimonious, so many posters always lining up to call an OP abusive for losing their rag in an extremely provoking situation.

We are talking about a pregnant woman, who deserves love and support from her partner, instead being abandoned, not spoken to, and having to deal with him drinking too much and even getting arrested! Ffs.

He was being a cunt. OP- YANBU and deserve better. He just wants to make out like you're the bad one. You're better off without him.