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Original poster

Partner leaving me because I called him a cunt

462 replies

harrycantdrive · 20/06/2023 15:45

I’m 6 months pregnant. Around 12 weeks into my pregnancy my partner stopped being positive and happy about it and became distant and quiet, lots of silent treatment, too much drinking (in my opinion anyway) etc etc. On a few occasions I called him a cunt for being so nasty to me without explanation. I text it a few times too. Since then we talked more and I thought we had got back to how things were, however, he came home drunk yesterday and I said this is the start of awful behaviour again, to which he said ‘it will give you an excuse to call me a cunt again…’ I then said I thought he was being a cunt previously and if he starts being nasty again I will think he is a cunt again. (Yes I am aware how childish this sounds written down). He’s now said today that actually he doesn’t want to be with someone who could have called him that and he’s leaving. I am too exhausted to even begin to argue or reason with him. I’m devastated that I will be alone while pregnant, I never wanted that for me or our baby. I keep feeling guilty that I have ruined our family unit by what I said and then the next moment I think hang on, this isn’t on me, he’s been a terrible partner and I lashed out. I get that the relationship is over now regardless, I can’t look at him the same way anymore, but I now carry this consuming guilt that if I hadn’t snapped and used such terrible language that maybe we would have resolved things. I’m so tired and sad.

OP posts:
Original poster
harrycantdrive · 20/06/2023 20:14

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 20/06/2023 19:32

I'm so sorry this is almost exactly what happened to my relationship except I was 8 months pregnant and it was because I said 'I'm still upset about what you did at the weekend' just before he was about to start work, rather than calling him a cunt (although he would have deserved it if I did, as he was behaving like one). They basically picked a fight because they wanted an excuse to leave.

YOU WILL BE OK. please confide in your friends and family asap you will have so much support. I 'announced' what he had done to my baby shower whatsapp group and the love poured in. Please also tell your midwife and seek counseling via go to process the feelings. Don't put him on the birth certificate and give baby your surname.

My baby is now 5 months and it's been hard doing it with a broken heart but I can honestly say now that the rose tinted glasses are no longer on, I don't want him back and I wonder what I saw in him. Feel free to DM me xxxx

Show quote history

@Unexpectedlysinglemum so sorry you’ve been through this. I haven’t told anyone what he’s been like as I am so embarrassed. Also embarrassed about how I have reacted. I feel people will judge me about being with someone who has been arrested. I don’t know people like that (to my knowledge)

OP posts:
Original poster
harrycantdrive · 20/06/2023 20:19

GCalltheway · 20/06/2023 19:23

It is an appalling way to speak to someone. I would absolutely leave.
I imagine the drinking is linked to being miserable and badly treated, and perhaps the pregnancy.

The only way forward now is to offer a genuine heartfelt apology to
him, and understanding that what you did was completely wrong, be dignified and let him go, without any fuss - and vow never ever to treat anyone like thar again. It’s not okay.

@GCalltheway I suppose that’s the key thing… I went over and over the events leading up to his drunken outbursts and his general nastiness but I couldn’t understand what I was doing wrong. I have analysed my behaviour and wondered if I was the cause but if anything I was being more supportive, more understanding towards him because I was so baffled by what he was doing. I don’t therefore think I am the cause of his drinking. Even if I was, I’ve asked the reasons many times and he won’t tell me.

As for an apology, he’s had a heartfelt one and a full explanation as to my mindset and how awful it felt to be pregnant and to experience what he was doing. I didn’t say that to excuse calling him a cunt but to open a discussion up as to how we could try and understand one another again.

It is interesting you think that his behaviour could potentially be explained by mine, though. I personally think drinking yourself to the point of being arrested is nobody’s fault but the person swallowing the alcohol.

OP posts:
FontSnob · 20/06/2023 20:31

Sounds like he was behaving like a cunt. The last thing you need is an alcoholic in your life. You’re probably better off without him.

Daisybuttercup12345 · 20/06/2023 20:32

Iloveanicegarden · 20/06/2023 15:50

I'm not sure if I'd want to stay either. DH says things when he's angry but he never calls me anything. Your being pregnant doesn't excuse that. Sorry

This.

Comeonbarbiebrianharvey · 20/06/2023 20:35

He sounds like a right cunt.

Sorry OP but he's looking for an excuse to pin it on you. If he's not willing to see the bigger picture for the sake of his baby he's looking for a way out. Don't rise to it x

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 20/06/2023 20:41

Don't be embarrassed or ashamed. You didn't deserve to be abandoned and pregnant. Come on, if it was really all about the c word you could apologize and ask for forgiveness and another chance - if he loved you and wanted a family with you he would consider it at least especially when you are hormonal. Please do tell someone so you can get supports. You don't even have to say what word you used just that he left you over an argument.

Also, I think a lot of your friends will make shocking confessions out of solidarity about their own pregnancy behaviour- mine definitely did 😂😂😂

Hotsummerlatenightstrolls · 20/06/2023 20:43

CandlelightGlow · 20/06/2023 19:03

I will die on this hill though, abusive behaviour is not excusable. If he is going to be a twat then she should leave him, not resort to abuse. It's not okay and it's not going to achieve anything positive even if it was okay.

Show quote history

She abused him okay. I am glad that I live in an area around people who care and look out for vulnerable women.

yipeeyiyay · 20/06/2023 20:43

Iloveanicegarden · 20/06/2023 15:50

I'm not sure if I'd want to stay either. DH says things when he's angry but he never calls me anything. Your being pregnant doesn't excuse that. Sorry

No excuse for him drinking too much and being nasty either.

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 20/06/2023 20:46

GCalltheway · 20/06/2023 19:23

It is an appalling way to speak to someone. I would absolutely leave.
I imagine the drinking is linked to being miserable and badly treated, and perhaps the pregnancy.

The only way forward now is to offer a genuine heartfelt apology to
him, and understanding that what you did was completely wrong, be dignified and let him go, without any fuss - and vow never ever to treat anyone like thar again. It’s not okay.

It is, but I don't think you can blame her for his awful drinking. The relationship has gone down hill and this is perhaps an example of reactive abuse.

OP, what's he saying about the baby? Does he want to be involved?

Radiohat · 20/06/2023 20:46

WTF - we have a devastated pregnant woman who is obviously upset - the patner has said he wants out because she called him a "Cunt" - he was drunk- was arrested and is upset because she used the word "Cunt" to describe his behaviour 🙄

Talk about putting the boot in when she is upset and deverstated - she should be happy and excited about her baby & not upset that she called him a "Cunt" he has turned his bad behaviour on her - he acted like one and she was pushed to use the word "Cunt" - she has been belittled by his behaviour and he is taking the moral high ground .

He sounds vile & she sounds completely - vulnerable, upset, deverstated- she is pregnant and is hurting due to his behaviour!
she is being manipulated by this man - He has not addressed his actions & has said he wants to end the relationship because she called him a "Cunt" because of his behaviour.

To all those that are putting her down have a little kindness she did not want to be in the situation that HE put her in .....

There are too many cruel people on this post - they should try and think out of the box - a word that was said / texted in frustration 🙄!

You should be trying to support her & not be putting the boot in to make her feel worse than she already does. Her state of mind is already fragile- some of these self-righteous comments are spiteful and will be upsetting for her . Do you really want to be that person that makes her feel even worse.

I am sickened by those people who are so perfect - there is a word I could use to describe them - they already know that word 😉

To the poster of this thread please speak to someone with some empathy with your situation 💗

Samaritans 116 123

They may be able to give you some support and point you in another direction.

Sending you my support ❤️

yipeeyiyay · 20/06/2023 20:46

SingaporeSlinky · 20/06/2023 15:52

If you came on here saying your partner had called you a cunt, most posters would tell you to LTB. Works both ways. I wouldn’t put up with it, do you think it’s ok if a woman calls a man one?

If a woman was called a count by her make partner because she was being nasty and drinking too much and generally being an awful person I would be more concerned with the toxic behaviours than the name calling tbh.

Only on MN is name calling a worse crime than pretty much any other behaviour.

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 20/06/2023 20:47

@GCalltheway breakthesilencedv.org/reactive-abuse-what-it-is-and-why-abusers-rely-on-it/#:~:text=Definition,%2C%20in%20fact%2C%20the%20abuser.

I think this is what was going on when she snapped.

Daffodil92 · 20/06/2023 20:47

@Radiohat perfectly put.

StarDolphins · 20/06/2023 20:53

Radiohat · 20/06/2023 20:46

WTF - we have a devastated pregnant woman who is obviously upset - the patner has said he wants out because she called him a "Cunt" - he was drunk- was arrested and is upset because she used the word "Cunt" to describe his behaviour 🙄

Talk about putting the boot in when she is upset and deverstated - she should be happy and excited about her baby & not upset that she called him a "Cunt" he has turned his bad behaviour on her - he acted like one and she was pushed to use the word "Cunt" - she has been belittled by his behaviour and he is taking the moral high ground .

He sounds vile & she sounds completely - vulnerable, upset, deverstated- she is pregnant and is hurting due to his behaviour!
she is being manipulated by this man - He has not addressed his actions & has said he wants to end the relationship because she called him a "Cunt" because of his behaviour.

To all those that are putting her down have a little kindness she did not want to be in the situation that HE put her in .....

There are too many cruel people on this post - they should try and think out of the box - a word that was said / texted in frustration 🙄!

You should be trying to support her & not be putting the boot in to make her feel worse than she already does. Her state of mind is already fragile- some of these self-righteous comments are spiteful and will be upsetting for her . Do you really want to be that person that makes her feel even worse.

I am sickened by those people who are so perfect - there is a word I could use to describe them - they already know that word 😉

To the poster of this thread please speak to someone with some empathy with your situation 💗

Samaritans 116 123

They may be able to give you some support and point you in another direction.

Sending you my support ❤️

This exactly.

StarDolphins · 20/06/2023 21:02

@Daisybuttercup12345 incase you missed/couldn’t be bothered to read where Op explained she wasn’t using being pregnant, here it is…

i wasn’t using my pregnancy as an excuse. I did however think it was relevant to the context. Treating me like shit when I wasn’t pregnant is one thing but when I am pregnant it obviously complicates things to me as I didn’t feel I could just leave

swimlyn · 20/06/2023 21:02

MagicTheGathering · 20/06/2023 18:46

‘I lived with a man a bit like this. He would very purposely upset and provoke me until I ended up telling him to fuck off. Then he’d take the moral high ground because “you swore at me!!!” He’d kept a calm tone (of course he had, he was the one controlling the situation), therefore he was the reasonable one.’

Yep. This is abusive goady behaviour. I can’t believe so many here can’t see it.

Show quote history

Our DD1 lives with a man who does this to perfection. We, as mum and dad, can see right through him. We’ve talked and talked with her but she sees it as all ‘her fault’ and ‘she must try harder’. Mind boggling.

He’s well spoken, very intelligent and outwardly perfect to everyone. He plays it calmly to his rules, no swearing, no anger, etc, etc. (his father is exactly the same)

We however have seen him in action over many years, and called him out on it many times. He hates this, and ensures we now get minimum access to DD and grandchildren…

“Yep. This is abusive goady behaviour. I can’t believe so many here can’t see it.” And this (not seeing it) is why this problem with controlling men will go on forever. Women who are guilt-ridden and controlled, and NOT SEEING IT.

CandlelightGlow · 20/06/2023 21:04

2 points though.

Being shit as a person or partner is not automatically abuse. Saying the C word isn't automatically abuse either.

But reading between the lines, OP's DP is acting distant/shitty which is awful, but not abusive to her.

What OP describes in her own words to me and many other posters is not just her using a strong swear word in conversation. It's berating and verbally abusing her partner.

Neither of them are capable of sorting it out. The man in the situation isn't able to communicate whatever the reasons are for his change of behaviour and is unwilling to behave in a considerate manner toward his pregnant partner. The OP thinks being unhappy with someone who is acting shit and awful to them is a green light for verbal abuse.

It's a toxic environment and hopefully both of them will learn and grow separately.

If a man said, "I did punch my wife in the face but it's so not me, it was out of character, she was just being so annoying and acting horrible and distant with me". Would that be okay? Would her unpleasant behaviour justify her being abused? No. Abuse is not acceptable

GCalltheway · 20/06/2023 21:07

harrycantdrive · 20/06/2023 20:19

@GCalltheway I suppose that’s the key thing… I went over and over the events leading up to his drunken outbursts and his general nastiness but I couldn’t understand what I was doing wrong. I have analysed my behaviour and wondered if I was the cause but if anything I was being more supportive, more understanding towards him because I was so baffled by what he was doing. I don’t therefore think I am the cause of his drinking. Even if I was, I’ve asked the reasons many times and he won’t tell me.

As for an apology, he’s had a heartfelt one and a full explanation as to my mindset and how awful it felt to be pregnant and to experience what he was doing. I didn’t say that to excuse calling him a cunt but to open a discussion up as to how we could try and understand one another again.

It is interesting you think that his behaviour could potentially be explained by mine, though. I personally think drinking yourself to the point of being arrested is nobody’s fault but the person swallowing the alcohol.

Show quote history

Op, you have a beautiful baby that will be arriving soon. it must be incredibly stressful to be in this position, do you have any support?

If your do has been arrested for D&D and being so drunk around you, then you know this man should not be near you. Or your baby.

Your language might be a product of your fear and stress or a reaction to his poor behaviour but I don’t think this matters. Only you and the baby matter now.

GCalltheway · 20/06/2023 21:08

And your heartfelt apology should have been more than enough.

CandlelightGlow · 20/06/2023 21:08

I don’t therefore think I am the cause of his drinking

You are not the cause of his drinking. Despite what people struggling with addiction say, no one person can drive someone to drink, it just doesn't work that way and it's an excuse used to put the onus on someone else.

You're not a demon or terrible person OP. No one is saying your situation is acceptable. But don't let yourself go down the eye for an eye path and act abusive yourself, it's no life for you and no good for your child.

Bubblyb00b · 20/06/2023 21:09

No one should be calling their partner that (unless as a joke I guess) but I have a feeling your OH would have left anyway, even if you didn't call him a cunt. It looks like he had second thoughts about you, the baby and the whole set up - but instead of talking to you he started drinking, mistreating you, wound you up, you got stressed and hormonal, exploded, he got his excuse to leave and left - leaving you feeling guilty. So basically he is a cunt.

Hope you have a safe delivery and a healthy happy baby x

Gracewithoutend · 20/06/2023 21:15

Only on MN is name calling a worse crime than pretty much any other behaviour.

I've been very lucky. I wasn't brought up around men, or women actually, verbally abusing others and calling partners, children or parents the vile names which seem pretty commonplace on MN. I was brought up that if someone is abusive to me, I don't have to put up with it simply because they haven't thumped me. Because that seems a pretty low bar.

I have to believe people when they say in their homes it's a sign of affection - probably they kiss their children at bed time and go, "night cunt". Or maybe when they pick their children up from school, they shout across the schoolyard, "Hey cunts, I'm over here. Get your cunty little selves into the car." But that is not usual for many people on here. I don't talk to my children like that, nor indeed anyone. And I don't expect people to talk to me like that either.

It isn't necessarily worse behaviour than other acts, but I have a right to walk away from behaviour that shows a basic lack of respect for me as a person.

LarkspurLane · 20/06/2023 21:19

Gracewithoutend · 20/06/2023 21:15

Only on MN is name calling a worse crime than pretty much any other behaviour.

I've been very lucky. I wasn't brought up around men, or women actually, verbally abusing others and calling partners, children or parents the vile names which seem pretty commonplace on MN. I was brought up that if someone is abusive to me, I don't have to put up with it simply because they haven't thumped me. Because that seems a pretty low bar.

I have to believe people when they say in their homes it's a sign of affection - probably they kiss their children at bed time and go, "night cunt". Or maybe when they pick their children up from school, they shout across the schoolyard, "Hey cunts, I'm over here. Get your cunty little selves into the car." But that is not usual for many people on here. I don't talk to my children like that, nor indeed anyone. And I don't expect people to talk to me like that either.

It isn't necessarily worse behaviour than other acts, but I have a right to walk away from behaviour that shows a basic lack of respect for me as a person.

What I am getting out of this is that people are focusing more on the fact that they would walk out if they were called a cunt, but not actually on the fact that OP is in a very stressful situation, pregnant with a partner drinking uncontrollably and being made to feel like it's her fault the relationship has broken down.

stayathomer · 20/06/2023 21:20

Btw did anyone google the word? It says (the quick google, so no particular dictionary)- vulgar slang 1. Female genitalia 2. An unpleasant or stupid person

Bubblyb00b · 20/06/2023 21:21

@Gracewithoutend wow do you also faint if someone shown an ancle?