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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Partner leaving me because I called him a cunt

462 replies

harrycantdrive · 20/06/2023 15:45

I’m 6 months pregnant. Around 12 weeks into my pregnancy my partner stopped being positive and happy about it and became distant and quiet, lots of silent treatment, too much drinking (in my opinion anyway) etc etc. On a few occasions I called him a cunt for being so nasty to me without explanation. I text it a few times too. Since then we talked more and I thought we had got back to how things were, however, he came home drunk yesterday and I said this is the start of awful behaviour again, to which he said ‘it will give you an excuse to call me a cunt again…’ I then said I thought he was being a cunt previously and if he starts being nasty again I will think he is a cunt again. (Yes I am aware how childish this sounds written down). He’s now said today that actually he doesn’t want to be with someone who could have called him that and he’s leaving. I am too exhausted to even begin to argue or reason with him. I’m devastated that I will be alone while pregnant, I never wanted that for me or our baby. I keep feeling guilty that I have ruined our family unit by what I said and then the next moment I think hang on, this isn’t on me, he’s been a terrible partner and I lashed out. I get that the relationship is over now regardless, I can’t look at him the same way anymore, but I now carry this consuming guilt that if I hadn’t snapped and used such terrible language that maybe we would have resolved things. I’m so tired and sad.

OP posts:
CandlelightGlow · 20/06/2023 19:03

Hotsummerlatenightstrolls · 20/06/2023 19:01

He was arrested for being drink and disorderly would your husband do that while you were pregnant.

I will die on this hill though, abusive behaviour is not excusable. If he is going to be a twat then she should leave him, not resort to abuse. It's not okay and it's not going to achieve anything positive even if it was okay.

IwishIcouldButIcantSoIwont · 20/06/2023 19:03

wutheringkites · 20/06/2023 15:55

I think hang on, this isn’t on me, he’s been a terrible partner and I lashed out.

No op, you're wrong. Regardless of how he has behaved, you are always responsible for your own actions. You really need to understand this if you're becoming a parent.

this.

Being pregnant is never an excuse for calling someone a cunt, by the way.

CoffeeLover90 · 20/06/2023 19:04

I call a spade a spade and a cunt a cunt. So he got drunk regularly, verbally abused you, gave you the silent treatment, never apologised, didn't listen to you trying to reason with him and you lost your temper in return. This is nothing like having a toddler. I've got a toddler. I've got an alcoholic abusive ex. Go on guess who's easier to deal with...
Move on from it. Yes, you could have not pointed out he was a cunt and took the moral high ground but that's done now. Have some counselling if you need to resolve your feelings of guilt.
No one deserves to be treat like shit by a drunk.

ElfieLea · 20/06/2023 19:05

He was looking for an excuse to leave and trying to provoke you to end it. You'll be better off without him stealing your peace. Don't take him back. It won't get better when the baby comes and you'll never get those early days back.
I can't believe how people are hung up on a word when he's treated you so badly at the worst possible time. He acted like a cunt and treated you like you are one. Don't take him back he's a coward.

Dogscanteatonions · 20/06/2023 19:06

Bloody hell some people on here are sanctimonious.

My ex husband behaved in almost the exact same fashion when I was pregnant and do you know what - he really really was being a cunt. Pushing all my buttons. Only difference is I didn't call him a cunt because I was too scared of his drunken reaction.

I wish I'd left the cunt then. Cunt.

I totally agree that he's goaded you into 'forcing' him to leave and I guarantee he'll be telling people how awful you've been. Probably throwing in things about how mental you are. Cunt.

OddSockSeeker · 20/06/2023 19:07

You could apologise for how you spoke to him. He may not come back but it might help ease your guilt. Think about what you can learn from it all. Words cut deep. Congratulations on your baby.

Dibbydoos · 20/06/2023 19:08

He was a poor partner and you got fed up.

You and baby have had a lucky escape.

Good luck x

Marmitecrumpetswithalittlecheese · 20/06/2023 19:08

Why is everyone so offended by the word cunt? Also he sounds like he was being a idiot. You're better off without him. Good luck with the rest of your pregnancy xx

crikeycrumbsblimey · 20/06/2023 19:09

Comedycook · 20/06/2023 15:48

He wanted to leave...he just needed an excuse.

I'm sorry op

This

amiold · 20/06/2023 19:10

@harrycantdrive sorry just catching up with your reply. You shouldn't have called him it, you know that. But Mumsnet acting like you're the worst for reacting to him being nasty to you is mental. I bet he's called you names? Tell him fuck off, C u Next Tuesday. I'd say he was being a c*nt but this has been turned on you entirely. Don't live with a drunk when you have a baby as the situation will get more toxic.
He doesn't like the verbal abuse... well neither do you but it seems what is good for the goose is not good for the gander. Bless him 🙄

Dogscanteatonions · 20/06/2023 19:10

Oh and please please don't take him back. He's pushed you into this OP, and I promise you the behaviour will only get worse. He's a cunt. You just pointed it out of that's all.

FabFitFifties · 20/06/2023 19:12

wutheringkites · 20/06/2023 15:55

I think hang on, this isn’t on me, he’s been a terrible partner and I lashed out.

No op, you're wrong. Regardless of how he has behaved, you are always responsible for your own actions. You really need to understand this if you're becoming a parent.

This 100 %. It's not just how you respond to baby either - with a baby in the house, adults can't behave like this towards each other. I wouldn't get back together if you are both behaving like this without the stress of a crying baby.

DarrellRiversCriminalBehaviourOrder · 20/06/2023 19:13

Marmitecrumpetswithalittlecheese · 20/06/2023 19:08

Why is everyone so offended by the word cunt? Also he sounds like he was being a idiot. You're better off without him. Good luck with the rest of your pregnancy xx

Because it's an offensive word. That's the point of it. You don't use it to express love and respect. It's widely considered to be the most offensive word there is.

Pretty sure if I called you a cunt right now, you'd be offended.

Gracewithoutend · 20/06/2023 19:20

StopStartStop · 20/06/2023 17:48

Trust me, people use the word!

I was referring to those MNers who say they wouldn't put up with it.

StarDolphins · 20/06/2023 19:21

DarrellRiversCriminalBehaviourOrder · 20/06/2023 19:13

Because it's an offensive word. That's the point of it. You don't use it to express love and respect. It's widely considered to be the most offensive word there is.

Pretty sure if I called you a cunt right now, you'd be offended.

It’s also highly offensive (some might say more offensive) to be a drunk that gives someone the silent treatment & treats them badly over a long period. You also dont use such treatment to express love & respect.

I would much prefer to be called a cunt than be treated badly.

Infact, I wouldn’t mind being called a cunt if I’d acted like one.

Opaque11 · 20/06/2023 19:23

Backtoreality1 · 20/06/2023 15:50

Anybody used that word to me, I would be out of the door as well! Its a messed up situation for you both, but there doesn't seem to be any respect on either side so probably better off apart anyway.

Yes, seems toxic from both sides and no child should be raised in that environment. People who use that word feel so disgusting to me in general.

BittenontheBum · 20/06/2023 19:23

Thank goodness none of you appear to live near me! Here you can be a 'good cunt' a 'funny cunt' a 'sound cunt' and just a bog standard 'cunt' !!
There is research into abusive partners goading the other person to a point the non goading partner loses their shit. I will try and find a link.
@harrycantdrive I think you're getting a rough time here. If you've put up with silent treatment, sulking, drunkenness and now being arrested for said drunkenness then you did well to only call him a cunt.
You will be just fine on your own.
It sounds very much like he was looking for an out, so he can blame you whilst taking zero responsibility for his actions.
Best of luck 🌺

GCalltheway · 20/06/2023 19:23

It is an appalling way to speak to someone. I would absolutely leave.
I imagine the drinking is linked to being miserable and badly treated, and perhaps the pregnancy.

The only way forward now is to offer a genuine heartfelt apology to
him, and understanding that what you did was completely wrong, be dignified and let him go, without any fuss - and vow never ever to treat anyone like thar again. It’s not okay.

Knackeredmommy · 20/06/2023 19:28

It'd be bad enough being called a cunt by my partner in the heat of the moment but even worse if when calm they repeated it and said they'd call me it again. I respect his boundaries, but that wasn't the only issue, doesn't sound like either of you were happy.

Opaque11 · 20/06/2023 19:29

Op think about it from the POV of the child. Mum is using abusive language, dad is being nasty and drunk. Does it matter who is more wrong from the both of you. You are both equally responsible for ensuring the baby is in a safe and healthy environment. So do what's right for the baby not either of you.

Daffodil92 · 20/06/2023 19:29

existingusername · 20/06/2023 16:02

It's just a word. Everyone says things they don't mean when they are angry. Jesus Christ Mumsnet a a sensitive place. Surprised you all have partners and your relationships must be perfect. I can't see myself leaving over being called a word like many others on here would. The getting drunk constantly is a different thing and he probably is acting like a complete cunt being arrested says he was indeed being a cunt.

100% this. Please don’t feel guilty OP. You are well rid.

SoTired12 · 20/06/2023 19:30

Oh ffs it's just a word, I can't believe the amount of people who would leave their partner if they called them a...cunt 😱

Whereisthesummer · 20/06/2023 19:30

MN makes me laugh big OP had just made an aibu about his nasty behaviour everyone would be calling him a funny and telling her to get out regardless of her being pregnant - she’s admitted she’s snapped and retaliated and everyone says they’d leave to

make your minds up people! 😂

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 20/06/2023 19:32

harrycantdrive · 20/06/2023 15:45

I’m 6 months pregnant. Around 12 weeks into my pregnancy my partner stopped being positive and happy about it and became distant and quiet, lots of silent treatment, too much drinking (in my opinion anyway) etc etc. On a few occasions I called him a cunt for being so nasty to me without explanation. I text it a few times too. Since then we talked more and I thought we had got back to how things were, however, he came home drunk yesterday and I said this is the start of awful behaviour again, to which he said ‘it will give you an excuse to call me a cunt again…’ I then said I thought he was being a cunt previously and if he starts being nasty again I will think he is a cunt again. (Yes I am aware how childish this sounds written down). He’s now said today that actually he doesn’t want to be with someone who could have called him that and he’s leaving. I am too exhausted to even begin to argue or reason with him. I’m devastated that I will be alone while pregnant, I never wanted that for me or our baby. I keep feeling guilty that I have ruined our family unit by what I said and then the next moment I think hang on, this isn’t on me, he’s been a terrible partner and I lashed out. I get that the relationship is over now regardless, I can’t look at him the same way anymore, but I now carry this consuming guilt that if I hadn’t snapped and used such terrible language that maybe we would have resolved things. I’m so tired and sad.

I'm so sorry this is almost exactly what happened to my relationship except I was 8 months pregnant and it was because I said 'I'm still upset about what you did at the weekend' just before he was about to start work, rather than calling him a cunt (although he would have deserved it if I did, as he was behaving like one). They basically picked a fight because they wanted an excuse to leave.

YOU WILL BE OK. please confide in your friends and family asap you will have so much support. I 'announced' what he had done to my baby shower whatsapp group and the love poured in. Please also tell your midwife and seek counseling via go to process the feelings. Don't put him on the birth certificate and give baby your surname.

My baby is now 5 months and it's been hard doing it with a broken heart but I can honestly say now that the rose tinted glasses are no longer on, I don't want him back and I wonder what I saw in him. Feel free to DM me xxxx

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