eating food without permission

[thecatswhiskrs]

This is a long-running argument in our house and I'd love to get a sense from others of whether I (and my kids) are just being unreasonable....

DH has a habit of mooching around the kitchen looking for food. He feels that anything in the kitchen is (and should be) fair game. He gets very upset when we shout at him for eating something that we feel he shouldn't have or something that we feel he should have checked first.

Examples:

• A child will have cooked some cookies for themselves and others to eat. The leave the tray on the counter to cool anticipating that lovely treat later and then come back to find their father has eaten a third of the tray before they've even offered.
• A child will have made some food for their lunch. There will be leftovers and they will have mentally allocated these for their lunch the next day in school. They leave it in the fridge or somewhere to cool, come back and it's gone.
• I am making dinner. It's nearly time to eat. I've planned the meal so that everyone has (for instance) 3 sausages and two bits of bacon. He comes in and nicks two bits of bacon from the pan right before we are about to eat.

He argues that he has paid for the all of the food in the kitchen and shouldn't have to ask for permission to eat it. If we have plans for some of it and haven't allowed enough to share then it's our fault for not making enough (we should just make lots more of everything to allow for others having some). He feels that we are not being generous and that (in spite of his best efforts to model generosity) we are all just being mean.

Are we being unreasonable (or just plain miserable!) to want him to at least check whose food it is and whether it has a destination before just eating it??

The problem is, no matter how much you buy with these types of people, they will
simply adjust and eat more.

There are people and it seems to be typically men who don’t want their family to partake in nice things. Like the example a PP gave of her DH who used to ransack the house to eat the Easter eggs she’d bought for their DC and hid so that he didn’t do that.

Did he do that because he was simply hungry? No. He did it because he’s spiteful, controlling and doesn’t want his family to anything nice that doesn’t involve him.

There’s a difference between there’s not enough food to go around and needing to adjust shopping to accommodate that and someone taking more than is their share and leaving less for others.

A person like that will do that no matter how much you buy or plan for it. They will simply adjust and eat even more if you buy more leaving you financially out of pocket and in the same position. It’s not difficult to look at a tray of cookies, factor in that there’s four of you and work out what your fair share is from there. It’s also not difficult to surmise that cookies DC baked may be for a special purpose- I.e to take to school for friends. As such, he can ask before eating.

Just buy more? Why doesn't he just buy more or eat the things that are likely to be readily available such as bread etc. Nobody needs to eat lots of cookies or extra meals.

This post has made me reflect on my opinions because whilst I can see somethings are obviously wrong/should have consequences, others lm not so sure.
Looking at the sausage example, the answers simple. When you serve dinner he'll have less because he's just eaten his portion. The cookies I'd be annoyed at because in my home we don't bake often so they could well he for an occasion/someone else so I'd definitely ask, but if baking is a regular thing l probably wouldn't. I'm not so sure about the lunch thing. Personally if I'd left half a bowl of something in the fridge I'd consider it fairgame unless it was labelled. I've labelled food before particularly 'highly tempting' stuff but also eg 2 last slices of ham which I've earmarked for lunch.
Without having a full rundown of exactly what he's eating it's hard to judge. I'm probably a bit less controlling but maybe that's because I have a thing about others expecting you to read minds. What are the rules. What makes that last bit of ham yours? How does someone know you wanted that packet of crisps for tommorow, and if you do, why do you/the girls trump your OH? I'm not being deliberately provocative, I just don't understand the rules. Now if you specifically label something and he ignores it l mightbe annoyed, but ultimately what makes it yours over someone else's?

Somewhat tongue in cheek but I’d be leaving leftovers laced with laxatives at this point.

He's a prick!!!!

He paid for it!? Yeah that's what he's meant to do for his family. It doesn't give him first dibs on everything. Providing for you children is literally the bare minimum of his responsibility.

The sandwiches thing is particularly annoying, because your child is being mature and actually taking responsibility for their own lunches which is a hard skill to get them to do.... and he's coming along and ruining it.

Selfish wanker

My thoughts exactly!!!

Is a third of a tray of biscuits a good man-sized portion?

Gosh no. These are big strong men. They need far more.

I don’t know about “rules”, but our rule is about being considerate and having an awareness that you’re sharing food among people in a household, and part of that is communicating with each other and also generally observing what’s going on beyond your own nose. So yeah, labelling can help, but also noticing and asking each other stuff like “there are only two pieces of ham left - who else is going to want some for their lunch tomorrow? Do we need to get more now or is this enough?”. If I saw a Tupperware with pasta and sauce in it that I hadn’t cooked and didn’t know what it was intended for, I wouldn’t just assume I could eat it all - I would ask “is this for the children’s lunch tomorrow or can I have some?” This isn’t controlling, it’s being part of a household where food is shared.

How is taking your dc's food modelling generosity?

By saying that he pays for the food means he can take it, he is telling you that he thinks the planning and cooking time is valueless.

He sounds horrible and selfish.

I'm probably a bit less controlling but maybe that's because I have a thing about others expecting you to read minds. What are the rules. What makes that last bit of ham yours? How does someone know you wanted that packet of crisps for tommorow, and if you do, why do you/the girls trump your OH? I'm not being deliberately provocative, I just don't understand the rules. Now if you specifically label something and he ignores it l mightbe annoyed, but ultimately what makes it yours over someone else's?

Im the same way as is my family. The ‘mentally allocated’ is literally saying ‘in my mind’ and I didn’t understand how anyone could be upset at someone eating something when all you’d done is thought about eating it yourself. No one is a mind reader. And the OP’s posts seem to indicate she thinks that she and her DC have first claim on all food and her DH has to be given permission to eat anything- he can only have food if it is food no one else wants or has thought about eating themself.

hasnt thought about eating

My dp used to have a terrible habit of doing this until one day he finished off dd’s (3) plate of food after he thought she’d finished eating and when she asked were it was and he said he’d eaten it she burst into tears and made him feel so guilty that he’s stopped taking the kids food without asking, but my food is still fair game. It’s annoying but I think the habit stems back to his childhood as mil was a single parent who liked to drink, and used to leave him with his elderly grandad.

These men sound like such arseholes, I'm amazed. Why do they get such different privileges from the rest of the house.

Taking food from kids plates and eating their baking - these are grown men.

He's just plain disrespectful. How can he expect his kids to respect him, if it's not mutual?

It has taken a long time but I'm planning to file for divorce very soon....

That seems the best solution. He’s setting such bad examples to your dc as well as making your life miserable.

What sandwiches? The OP makes no mention of sandwiches, only that the child had ‘mentally allocated’ some ‘leftovers’ to take for their lunch. It’s not even clear whether the child cooked the food in the first place or if the leftovers were from dinner.

The child didn’t check with everyone else and ask permission to take the leftovers for lunch like the OP is expecting the DH to do with every bite he takes ….there’s a troubling double standard here. OP and DC can merely think about- “mentally allocate” food for themselves but DH has to ask everyone for permission?

And I do think having paid for the food means you should be able to eat some of the food without having to check with everyone else first, especially since no one else is checking with you, they’re just ‘mentally allocating’ the food in question to be theirs.

He sounds horrible OP , like a hyena scavenging for scraps.

Show him where the bread and the toaster are kept and tell him to stop taking food from his kids.

Well hes out of order here isnt he? So what he works .However so do you by cooking and preparing food for the FAMILY,not just his fat arse! Taking Cookies made by DC is well off!

Part of this is grazing from the fridge. Or snacking.

I grew up in a house and we all ate together. There was plenty to eat at each meal and no one pinched each others food as that would have been rude.

A grown man raiding the fridge is different. Ask. Fridge food usually has a purpose.

These guys just horrible. I guess they have plenty of other selfish characteristics too because "Lord of the Food" isn't the only one. In the worst case, it's almost abusive because the guy is telling the children they can't have anything unless he says so. Grim.

@thecatswhiskrs

It has taken a long time but I'm planning to file for divorce very soon....

Thank goodness! I'm sure your new household, without such a selfish person in it, will be a happier, more relaxed, place. Just make sure you have all your ducks in a row, and discreetly seen a solicitor before you present him with a fait accompli. 🌹

He earns money. The rest of you put effort into shopping/cooking. He is not recognising the work you and kids have put into food prep. And as for the not doing 'complicated' washing up - presumably he's happy to eat the food?

I think the issue is that he's not recognise the effort that goes into cooking. Why doesn't he bake his own bloody cookies?

Greedy, inconsiderate wanker.

He's upsetting his children by taking their food, in my view that's unreasonable already. They've already had conversations about it and instead of taking it on board he's said "i paid for all the food in the kitchen", horrible attitude. He's probably instilling food anxiety in them, too.

I think many dont understand what its like to live with someone who is disrespectful about food and expects that everyone sort of takes their fair share and it all evens out in the end. This is all well and good but its not always the case, as a child my sister would often eat my portion of food, her reasoning was that she was hungry at the time and i wasnt, but because there was only so much food it meant i got nothing when I was hungry, it was very disrespectful and frustrating. Luckily after I explained a few times how it felt she stopped and eventually completely grew out of it, she was willing to understand from my perspective and did change.

It doesn't sound like he is.

Glad you're leaving him OP.

And this is not the only issue of contention in our house. DH has very
different ideas about many things to me. He cooks at weekends and I cook during the week. He has always refused to help tidying up during the week because I 'make more complicated food' and therefore make more washing up. He says that if he helped with the cleaning up he would be 'encouraging me' to continue to make a surfeit of dirty dishes. Apparently I need to learn by experience to make less
It has taken a long time but I'm planning to file for divorce very soon

Well that sounds to me like he is just better all round at cooking, so from now on, he can cook every one of his own meals, it apparently wont take him long to wash up his one pan and plate. He may as well get in the swing of it now, ready for him living alone.