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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

eating food without permission

606 replies

thecatswhiskrs · 20/06/2023 12:25

This is a long-running argument in our house and I'd love to get a sense from others of whether I (and my kids) are just being unreasonable....

DH has a habit of mooching around the kitchen looking for food. He feels that anything in the kitchen is (and should be) fair game. He gets very upset when we shout at him for eating something that we feel he shouldn't have or something that we feel he should have checked first.

Examples:

  • A child will have cooked some cookies for themselves and others to eat. The leave the tray on the counter to cool anticipating that lovely treat later and then come back to find their father has eaten a third of the tray before they've even offered.
  • A child will have made some food for their lunch. There will be leftovers and they will have mentally allocated these for their lunch the next day in school. They leave it in the fridge or somewhere to cool, come back and it's gone.
  • I am making dinner. It's nearly time to eat. I've planned the meal so that everyone has (for instance) 3 sausages and two bits of bacon. He comes in and nicks two bits of bacon from the pan right before we are about to eat.

He argues that he has paid for the all of the food in the kitchen and shouldn't have to ask for permission to eat it. If we have plans for some of it and haven't allowed enough to share then it's our fault for not making enough (we should just make lots more of everything to allow for others having some). He feels that we are not being generous and that (in spite of his best efforts to model generosity) we are all just being mean.

Are we being unreasonable (or just plain miserable!) to want him to at least check whose food it is and whether it has a destination before just eating it??

OP posts:
SayNoToDoorToDoor · 21/06/2023 11:32

OP are you expected to wash the dishes on a weekend when he cooks?

Butchyrestingface · 21/06/2023 11:37

Those examples are pretty damning. Also hard to imagine he’s unselfish and considerate in every other area of his life except this one.

Emotionalsupportviper · 21/06/2023 11:38

GrumpyPanda · 20/06/2023 12:28

Is he being made to suffer the consequences? So in the dinner bacon example, does he have to miss out given that he took his share before dinner?

As to stealing a child's cookies, that's just heartless.

This.

I'd just tell I'm he'd scoffed his share, and that if he wants more of everything available he can budget for it, buy it and cook it.

HE pays for everything? It's all HIS food? He'S entitled to eat as much as he wants even if someone else has to do without? What a wanker!

Emotionalsupportviper · 21/06/2023 11:41

thecatswhiskrs · 20/06/2023 20:18

Thank you all so much for the replies. Some of them made me laugh, some made me think and it was great to get them all.
I can't answer all of the things people said but a few things to clear up:

  • DH has definitely got a disordered attitude to food and finds it very hard to control himself when confronted with anything that he perceives as being desirable. He never gets these urges for carrots or apples!!
  • So, he's not really hungry. Or, if he is, he often only has a few minutes to wait until dinner is ready.
  • The irony is that he keeps telling us that he really can't eat any sugar and it's bad for him...
  • The children are now getting older (teens) and are getting more stroppy with him because, although they are very happy to share, they would like him to first check that the food is spare. It is the stroppiness of the teens that he finds most difficult to deal with. DD2 manages this by either leaving dire notes near anything she makes (Don't eat this or you will DIE!) or she just absconds with things to her room (which I don't like her doing at all).
  • The irony of all this is that while he wants people to be more generous, the upshot is that the DC are all even more protective of their stuff because they are not sure that he will behave politely :(
  • We do have snacks, bread and other ingredients lying around that are all fair game if he wanted to make himself something...

And this is not the only issue of contention in our house. DH has very different ideas about many things to me. He cooks at weekends and I cook during the week. He has always refused to help tidying up during the week because I 'make more complicated food' and therefore make more washing up. He says that if he helped with the cleaning up he would be 'encouraging me' to continue to make a surfeit of dirty dishes. Apparently I need to learn by experience to make less (!!)
It has taken a long time but I'm planning to file for divorce very soon....

Thank you all!

Make delicious food for everyone.

Give him beans.

Make I'm wash the bean pan.

I'm not surprised you are plotting divorce - I'm just surprised it's taken you so long.

DarrellRiversCriminalBehaviourOrder · 21/06/2023 11:42

I'm glad you've decided to get rid of him. My klaxon went off when I saw "He argues that he has paid for the all of the food in the kitchen and shouldn't have to ask for permission to eat it".

If you don't want to take on financial responsibility for someone, don't have kids or a SAHP. You can't choose to reproduce, choose to have someone at home for the benefits it brings you, and then pull the "everything is mine/I don't have to respect any of you because I pay" crap. It's just a form of control and manipulation... nothing generous about it.

Emotionalsupportviper · 21/06/2023 11:43

L3ThirtySeven · 20/06/2023 22:04

What kind of monster owns cookies?

Show quote history

😂

Northernsoul72 · 21/06/2023 11:43

I can't imagine my DH needing permission to eat food he had bought nor would I expect him to. I wouldn't want him to eat cookies a child had made until he had been offered. I think there are some pretty unkind words being used her to be honest. Sounds a bit childish but get him a snack box, throw a few extra bit of bacon in, it doesn't seem a massive deal to me. If there is food in the fridge for a packed lunch, is it labelled...does he know its allocated as such?

MargotBamborough · 21/06/2023 11:49

Northernsoul72 · 21/06/2023 11:43

I can't imagine my DH needing permission to eat food he had bought nor would I expect him to. I wouldn't want him to eat cookies a child had made until he had been offered. I think there are some pretty unkind words being used her to be honest. Sounds a bit childish but get him a snack box, throw a few extra bit of bacon in, it doesn't seem a massive deal to me. If there is food in the fridge for a packed lunch, is it labelled...does he know its allocated as such?

Maybe you can't imagine it because you don't live with a problematic eater and assume that everyone behaves normally around food.

Your approach is one that most normal people adopt.

But if you live with someone who has a food addiction, or who eats more than their fair share when they know the food is intended for someone/something else and that if they eat it someone will go short or have to go out shopping again, as a form of control. I think the fact that the OP's kids are now fiercely possessive over their food as a result of their dad's behaviour shows that he is not a normal person and so normal rules around food will not work.

Poundfoolishpennywise · 21/06/2023 11:50

He’s greedy and selfish. He also sounds just like my ‘D’H who will eat anything he fancies, even if he knows it has been bought with our DD in mind (she has SEN and so will not eat a huge variety of things anyway, which makes DH snaffling her treats even worse).

Xmasbaby11 · 21/06/2023 11:50

I think the bacon is the worst example and you would surely then not serve him his share if he's had it.

With the cookies and packed lunch, I think clear communication is needed, either labelling or telling him that they are put aside for X / X time. DH has occasionally eaten something I was keeping because he wasn't aware - I can't be annoyed when I hadn't communicated it. I wouldn't personally be annoyed about the cookies especially if they are made for the family anyway.

He obviously has form for this and SHOULD check before scoffing but since he doesn't, I'd go with labelling things. If he still takes the food regardless it will be clear to everyone that he is in the wrong.

NotQuiteHere · 21/06/2023 11:54

His behaviour is appalling. Could you come to an agreement and say "these snacks could be eaten by anyone at any time, the rest needs permission"?

Manthide · 21/06/2023 12:02

Thankfully I don't have those problems at home but we visited dd1 and her husband abd dd1 has to work the first day. We got up, made breakfast and much later my son in law got up. He didn't mention lunch but when it got to one I mentioned it. He then went to the fridge and said he had chicken or ham for sandwiches . I chose the chicken, made sandwiches for me and my youngest dc. Next thing dd1 came back from work and asked why we'd used the chicken as that was dh's for work (he's muslim) and we should have had ham! It's not like I raided her fridge, her dh offered it as a choice.

Friths · 21/06/2023 12:19

He just sounds revolting.

BloodyPrime · 21/06/2023 12:20

L3ThirtySeven · 21/06/2023 11:09

What sandwiches? The OP makes no mention of sandwiches, only that the child had ‘mentally allocated’ some ‘leftovers’ to take for their lunch. It’s not even clear whether the child cooked the food in the first place or if the leftovers were from dinner.

The child didn’t check with everyone else and ask permission to take the leftovers for lunch like the OP is expecting the DH to do with every bite he takes ….there’s a troubling double standard here. OP and DC can merely think about- “mentally allocate” food for themselves but DH has to ask everyone for permission?

And I do think having paid for the food means you should be able to eat some of the food without having to check with everyone else first, especially since no one else is checking with you, they’re just ‘mentally allocating’ the food in question to be theirs.

Show quote history

Literally says in the OP 'A child will have made some food for their lunch. There will be leftovers and they will have mentally allocated these for their lunch the next day in school. They leave it in the fridge or somewhere to cool, come back and it's gone'

ScribblingPixie · 21/06/2023 12:24

He has always refused to help tidying up during the week because I 'make more complicated food' and therefore make more washing up. He says that if he helped with the cleaning up he would be 'encouraging me' to continue to make a surfeit of dirty dishes.

I have to admit this is the rule in our house too. You cook, you clear up afterwards. We're both messy and it definitely helps to keep our minds focussed knowing the 'cleaning fairy' won't be coming along after us.

TheWomanTheyCallJayne · 21/06/2023 12:25

I don’t understand the people who think the cookies were fair game because things should be shared (ignoring the fact that he had more than what would be his share)
What if they child had made them for something at school or scouts etc?

I see some people have suggested laxatives but I would be more subtle…
Dog biscuits. Look similar, may even taste okay but the idea makes most people feel queasy. If the op has no dog then they’re for an event somewhere.

Eddielizzard · 21/06/2023 12:25

It seems your DH thinks his way is absolutely right, and if you don't like it you will have to deal with his consequences until you agree with him. FWIW I don't like his way either. He's not much of a team player is he?

Hocuspocusnonsense · 21/06/2023 12:26

He’s greedy., selfish and inconsiderate.

That would drive me mad!

ContinuousProcrastination · 21/06/2023 12:27

When he does the shopping, does he factor in buying enough of the things he likes to go around?

When he does the cooking,does he live by his own rule and make plenty?

ContinuousProcrastination · 21/06/2023 12:29

I have to admit this is the rule in our house too. You cook, you clear up afterwards. We're both messy and it definitely helps to keep our minds focussed knowing the 'cleaning fairy' won't be coming along after us.

This rule just means plenty of men dodge ALL cooking and as a result all washing up. Or only ever feed their children bakeables to ensure minimal prep work & washing up is limited to a single chip tray.

MySoCalledWife · 21/06/2023 12:32

Typical male entitlement

Fairymother · 21/06/2023 12:35

Situation 1: cookies on the counter are fair game for everyone! DH not unreasonable.

Situation 2: put a sticker with your/childs name on the box if the food is allocated to someone, otherwise fair game.

Situation 3: in that case DH has already eaten his 2 bacons and doesnt get any anymore at dinner if there is a set amount for everyone.

Playingchesswithpigeons · 21/06/2023 12:36

Your husband is totally selfish, if he can't see it, continue to tell him/show him everyday until he changes his behaviour.
We might have baked cookies, we just ask if we can have one. You don't help yourself to anything you want, because you paid for it. That's what a narcissist does.
If I cooked 3 sausages, 2 bacon for 4 of us to eat and husband eats 1 rasher , 1 sausage half an hour before plating, he would get 1 slice of bacon and 2 sausages. I certainly wouldn't deprive myself or children their allocation of food, because he helped himself. He's helped himself to his allocation, so of course he gets less when it's time to eat.

There's always one last chocolate bar, one last banana and anyone who want's it, will ask if they can have it. Daughter has her own chocolate, husband will ask if he can have some, daughter replies yes or no. If NO, he can't have it. It's hers ! Yes he pays for the shopping, no that does not give him carte blanche to eat everybody's food, treats, snacks.

What an ignorant, horrible shit of a husband you live with. What does your child do, when their dad has eaten their prepared lunch? not eat? Some idiot posters are arguing with other posters saying he has no control/food addiction. WHERE IN THE OP DOES IT SAY THAT??

OP you have already questioned his behavior, he's already replied that he's paid for it and doesn't need permission.

Start with STATING, if he eats some of his food before plating, he WILL have less on his plate and TELLING him NOT to eat his children's treats, before asking. If he continues, bake earlier before he gets home and hide. Eat all of his favourite food/snacks ( cause I'll be surprised if he doesn't have his own favorites in the cupboard )
You are enabling him to do what he wants and ignoring obvious resentment your children will have as a consequence.
This will honestly affect your children more than you know it.
I would be so evidently cross and as frightening as a mad banshee, if he did this, he would NEVER do it again.

cuckyplunt · 21/06/2023 12:36

Buy a couple of mouse traps, hide them in the fridge.

skyeisthelimit · 21/06/2023 12:37

The bacon example is easily fixed, if he eats his share before tea then obviously its not there to put on his plate, while everyone else will have it on theirs.

Cookies/baking etc - if somebody cooks and leaves it out to cool, he absolutely should not be touching it.

Leftovers - if they are in a tub with a note saying "Sue's lunch for tomorrow" etc, then he should not be touching it. I would be well pissed off if I cooked enough for 2 meals and somebody ate part of it.

Washing up - I hope you don't tidy up after he cooks if he won't help you?

Maybe there needs to be a shelf in the fridge which is a no-go area for anyone , and the same with a cupboard?

For those saying "buy more" that doesn't work with somebody who likes to pig everything in sight, because they just eat even more and there is still nothing left for anyone else.

I had issues with DD eating everything - like you say - they never eat the fruit, just the tasty things. I stopped buying crisps and biscuits as they would all be gone when I fancied something a couple of days after buying them.