eating food without permission

[thecatswhiskrs]

This is a long-running argument in our house and I'd love to get a sense from others of whether I (and my kids) are just being unreasonable....

DH has a habit of mooching around the kitchen looking for food. He feels that anything in the kitchen is (and should be) fair game. He gets very upset when we shout at him for eating something that we feel he shouldn't have or something that we feel he should have checked first.

Examples:

• A child will have cooked some cookies for themselves and others to eat. The leave the tray on the counter to cool anticipating that lovely treat later and then come back to find their father has eaten a third of the tray before they've even offered.
• A child will have made some food for their lunch. There will be leftovers and they will have mentally allocated these for their lunch the next day in school. They leave it in the fridge or somewhere to cool, come back and it's gone.
• I am making dinner. It's nearly time to eat. I've planned the meal so that everyone has (for instance) 3 sausages and two bits of bacon. He comes in and nicks two bits of bacon from the pan right before we are about to eat.

He argues that he has paid for the all of the food in the kitchen and shouldn't have to ask for permission to eat it. If we have plans for some of it and haven't allowed enough to share then it's our fault for not making enough (we should just make lots more of everything to allow for others having some). He feels that we are not being generous and that (in spite of his best efforts to model generosity) we are all just being mean.

Are we being unreasonable (or just plain miserable!) to want him to at least check whose food it is and whether it has a destination before just eating it??

My DP is a bit like this. He'll serve himself before kids. It's incredibly selfish.

And they specified what they meant.

Do you only comment based on the title?

From the title I was going to say YABU but having read your examples you are absolutely not being unreasonable. It would be fine for him to take one cookie but taking a third of them shows a massive sense of entitlement and disregard for anyone else.

I grew up with food restricted due to poverty so I have always allowed my kids free access to food. They both have really good self control and are both really considerate of others. They never eat the last of something without checking if anyone else wants to share it and while they’ll freely eat everyday foods like bread or fruit, they don’t touch anything we don’t usually have in without checking first.

I haven’t specifically taught them this but it’s just basic good manners and consideration for others. Your DH seems to think all food is his by default and the rest of you can have his scraps. It’s actually him who is possessive about food, not the rest of you.

Yes, they specified what they meant and it was clear to me they “want him to at least check whose food it is and whether it has a destination before just eating it” which is, drum roll, asking permission to eat food.

@thecatswhiskrs

Congratulations on the divorce plans OP. You deserve better.

That thing about refusing to help with washing up after you've made a nice meal is disgraceful.

All the best for your brighter future!

This!
I completely agree

And if you bake cookies (or dinner) it should automatically be for sharing within the family and there should not be this “wait until the cook offers and then ask permission to have some” malarky.

'Sharing' possibly. Eating a 1/3 of before anyone gets a look in? No.

Do you honestly live in a house where someone bakes something and it would be fine for someone else just to take 1/3 for themselves without asking?

If my husband said he’d paid for something our marriage would immediately be in crisis. If he apologised for that I’d move on to x cooked it, or I made that dinner. You want me to appreciate your income you fucking well appreciate my labour. Since you don’t, there won’t be any dinner for you every time you pull this shit. I’d rather bin it than feed it to a selfish asshole who thinks his contribution to the family is the only one that counts. If mine doesn’t count you don’t get to benefit from it. Also, you have no clean clothes since your servants (just me actually have all quit.

I mean I'm not being funny you do give him good size man portions right it's not particularly usual for an adult man to basically nick food if there eating good size meals. I found that with teen boy aswell feed same amount as his dad and the raiding etc stopped because he wasn't hungry inbetween

Exactly. Fucking prick.

Next time he's expecting dinner hand him a plate of the raw ingredients that he 'paid for'.

Try having consequences. ie
He gets no bacon as he ate his earlier.
He needs to replace child's lunch for tomorrow.

What stops him asking like all other people do?
Can you have a biscuit tin just for him with bought biscuits and a fruit bowl and a specific dish or space in fridge where he knows he is welcome to eat specific left overs?
Can he make a cheese toastie or piece of toast and honey at any time?
Is he hungry or just wanting to disrupt and steal food for power and disruption sake?

At our home we always ask if another wishes also to have a cup of tea and if they are saving XXX for tomorrow's dinner etc. It is very easy to converse about food and easy to make something that is available. (Though we stick to eating at meal times and with a morning and afternoon cup of tea.)

It has taken a long time but I'm planning to file for divorce very soon....

Good. I'm sure you and your children will be a lot happier without this insufferable arsehole

He sounds very selfish so you’ll be happier without him

What is it with the surrendered wife “are you giving good man sized portions” excuses?

(1) it doesn’t mean that he can’t check whether food is earmarked for something before eating it, or take more than his fair share of food between meals

(2) are men not capable of having an adult discussion about portion sizes, instead of just taking other people’s food without asking?

(3) why do women always have to take responsibility for men’s behaviour?

There’s a big difference between sharing and taking more than your fair share. I know it’s a difficult concept to grasp but there you go.

believe it or not, just because that’s how it is in YOUR house doesn’t mean it’s like that in others and if you walked into mine and helped yourself to a third of a tray of cookies I’d baked without asking-you’d be escorted out.

I'm just visualising all these homes where the DH has to go round to every family member to ask permission"

Personally, I'm imagining a home where someone can bake something for a bake sale, or a sleepover or to take to a friend's house or to give to visitors and leave it out to cool without someone eating half of it.....

@ReadingSoManyThreads "Well in our household we do this thing called sharing, so if someone bakes cookies or a cake etc., it's shared and everyone can have some."

So do we. But what if you've baked something for a particular purpose? If you saw a cooling rack of cookies wouldn't you check that they hadn't been baked for a particular event before you ate any?

DH is a sausage stealer. I’ve always said to him, that’s two of your three you've eaten. Doesn’t stop him doing it but he accepts a smaller dinner more graciously these days.

he also used to be a leftover stealer and a slacker on the main part of the ne meal, like take a slice out of a full quiche. He doesn’t do it anymore now, but it took a while to learn he’s had his share!

While I see it as checking because that’s what you do when it is food you didn’t make yourself. By your logic, he should be able to eat whatever he wants and whatever portion and f-k the person who made it or who it was intended for because food is meant to be “shared”.

Ridiculous.

Sounds like a control thing. He takes things on purpose because he earns money and wants to lord it over you all. Weird behavior.

How else do you expect any household to function? Guess what? We’re in a cost of living crisis. Many of us don’t have endless amounts of money to keep replacing food because someone decided to be greedy and take what wasn’t theirs.

most people plan their shops according to what will be eaten. OP has made it clear that there is snack and sharing food in. He doesn’t go for that. He takes what has been allocated to their DC for their lunches the following day.

so what are the DC to then have for their lunch? Or are they to starve to accommodate a greedy adult who won’t open his mouth to ask if the leftovers are just leftovers and a free for all or if they’re for anyone?

No wonder one of the daughters is squirrelling away food upstairs if she’s fearful her own father will steal it from her.

If it was one time and he genuinely didn’t realise and was apologetic when he realised his mistake that’s fine. It’s not. It’s to the point where a child is resource guarding and another is putting labels on everything as an attempt to stop him.

people can’t afford to just keep replacing the food that has been planned for for the week because one member of the household is greedy.

I am willing to bet that if he’d allocated something for himself and someone else ate it- it wouldn’t be all food is family food.

if he’s eaten his share of bacon he doesn’t get it on his plate!
Re the cakes/biscuits - it’s rude, but your kids should probably label them so he doesn’t eat them if he has ‘form’.

Having to ask about each specific food stuffs is daft.
I half-agree with him about "just buy more" too. I never understand MNer reluctance to do that. Unless it's very expensive calories (ate caviar rather than eat toast) then it's fair game, buy more of the popular stuff, decide what to eat based on what needs eating first to manage the stock.

Put notes on items that are reserved, communicate the need.
"This is the last of the bread & I need it to make sandwiches for tomorrow unless you go buy more now". etc.

or a simple

"DON'T EAT THIS"

I am so relieved that you are going to leave him. And I’m sure the kids will back you up. You are going to be so much happier. It will be a huge weight off your shoulders. He is going to be miserable until he finds someone else to treat like this. Good luck.

Everything is pretty much fair game in our house unless specified, the cookie example wouldn't have bothered me unless he'd been told not to touch.
DH would have less at dinner if he took it from the pan, not that he would and he would ask if it looked like it was packed lunch or for a specific event.
We are pretty much creatures of habit and our food budget isn't limited. There are always lots of snack foods because of a couple of medical conditions in our family. I'd be angry if DH knowingly took food he knew was the last of something that was needed by another. After 30 years he's well trained and so are the DC.