eating food without permission

[thecatswhiskrs]

This is a long-running argument in our house and I'd love to get a sense from others of whether I (and my kids) are just being unreasonable....

DH has a habit of mooching around the kitchen looking for food. He feels that anything in the kitchen is (and should be) fair game. He gets very upset when we shout at him for eating something that we feel he shouldn't have or something that we feel he should have checked first.

Examples:

• A child will have cooked some cookies for themselves and others to eat. The leave the tray on the counter to cool anticipating that lovely treat later and then come back to find their father has eaten a third of the tray before they've even offered.
• A child will have made some food for their lunch. There will be leftovers and they will have mentally allocated these for their lunch the next day in school. They leave it in the fridge or somewhere to cool, come back and it's gone.
• I am making dinner. It's nearly time to eat. I've planned the meal so that everyone has (for instance) 3 sausages and two bits of bacon. He comes in and nicks two bits of bacon from the pan right before we are about to eat.

He argues that he has paid for the all of the food in the kitchen and shouldn't have to ask for permission to eat it. If we have plans for some of it and haven't allowed enough to share then it's our fault for not making enough (we should just make lots more of everything to allow for others having some). He feels that we are not being generous and that (in spite of his best efforts to model generosity) we are all just being mean.

Are we being unreasonable (or just plain miserable!) to want him to at least check whose food it is and whether it has a destination before just eating it??

I grew up in a large family, with people ducking in and out the fridge for snacks.

It isn't hard to say "hey, is anyone planning on using that leftover chicken for their packed lunch tomorrow, or can I nick it?" It's not "asking permission to eat", it's asking what is available to eat.

Nicking the cooling cookies is pure bastardry, who the hell takes home baked goodies without being offered some by the cook? Especially if it's your kid, when it's your kid you want to act like these are the best cookies ever and tell them how well they've done!

None of us have eating disorders, partially because no one shouts at us for eating food. Food is a common good, it’s not a private possession like a bike. And asking permission of everyone else in the family is bonkers when you have a family size like ours - 4 DC and often cousins plus aunties and uncles visiting. Besides why should a child’s “mental allocation” of leftovers for lunch tomorrow take precedence over an adult who is hungry how? It’s upside down world or backwards days to require a parent to ask their child for permission to eat food imho.

So it's fine for that DC to go to the fridge tomorrow expecting to be able to pick up their lunch and go and... some fucker ate it instead of making toast like a normal person?

Or someone has gone to the trouble of frying up a load of sausages to be put out for dinner, pops to the look and some greedy fucker eats a couple meaning that... someone goes short?

Especially now, when people are budgeting their meals etc, it makes sense to check before scarfing down anything and everything.

Asking permission? Good grief, it’s being considerate and making sure you’re not eating someone else’s food leaving them to have to make or buy a new meal the next day, or if they have plans for a specific meal time and won’t have time to cook, they’re not forced to scramble to look for something else. It’s basic manners.

Also if an adult is hungry, they can surely use the hands that they possess to make something or open the mouth and use their voice and say “There’s xyz in the fridge, is this anyone?”

Thank you all so much for the replies. Some of them made me laugh, some made me think and it was great to get them all.
I can't answer all of the things people said but a few things to clear up:

• DH has definitely got a disordered attitude to food and finds it very hard to control himself when confronted with anything that he perceives as being desirable. He never gets these urges for carrots or apples!!
• So, he's not really hungry. Or, if he is, he often only has a few minutes to wait until dinner is ready.
• The irony is that he keeps telling us that he really can't eat any sugar and it's bad for him...
• The children are now getting older (teens) and are getting more stroppy with him because, although they are very happy to share, they would like him to first check that the food is spare. It is the stroppiness of the teens that he finds most difficult to deal with. DD2 manages this by either leaving dire notes near anything she makes (Don't eat this or you will DIE!) or she just absconds with things to her room (which I don't like her doing at all).
• The irony of all this is that while he wants people to be more generous, the upshot is that the DC are all even more protective of their stuff because they are not sure that he will behave politely :(
• We do have snacks, bread and other ingredients lying around that are all fair game if he wanted to make himself something...

And this is not the only issue of contention in our house. DH has very different ideas about many things to me. He cooks at weekends and I cook during the week. He has always refused to help tidying up during the week because I 'make more complicated food' and therefore make more washing up. He says that if he helped with the cleaning up he would be 'encouraging me' to continue to make a surfeit of dirty dishes. Apparently I need to learn by experience to make less (!!)
It has taken a long time but I'm planning to file for divorce very soon....

Thank you all!

The irony of all this is that while he wants people to be more generous, the upshot is that the DC are all even more protective of their stuff because they are not sure that he will behave politely :(

My father used to steal from our plates, take too much, double dip, and was generally just not OK around food. The upshot is that I cannot go to tapas or sharing food without having a serious word with myself and MAKING myself behave normally.

As a result from very small DD had lots of choices about her food, no one ever took any without permission, her stuff was hers. She is very generous, shares really well and can go to tapas without trauma! Yesterday she got special sweets from a teacher for being awesome and immediately shared them. I chatted to her about it, she is just even and fine with food.

Lordy. Another poor woman who married a grown adult man-child. He can’t mind read ‘what’s earmarked for dinner?’ Does he cook dinner? No. Thought not. He’d probably need his mum, sorry, wife, to show him what the cooker was. 🙄

He says that if he helped with the cleaning up he would be 'encouraging me' to continue to make a surfeit of dirty dishes. Apparently I need to learn by experience to make less (!!)

I sincerely hope he's joking because if he meant this, added to him taking food without checking, means he has zero respect for you at all. I bet your self esteem is through the floor 😯

This would infuriate me. INFURIATE!!

"He argues that he has paid for the all of the food in the kitchen and shouldn't have to ask for permission to eat it."

This would make me leave him tbh. And I don't say that lightly.

Besides why should a child’s “mental allocation” of leftovers for lunch tomorrow take precedence over an adult who is hungry how?

So a teen makes lunches for two days but it's okay for a pathetic grownup to take it because they are top of the food chain?

Ah, your last post makes a lot sense - there was clearly more to it than 'just' being greedy & selfish. Thinking he's got more 'rights' to eat what he wants, when he wants because he "pays for the food". Trying to teach you a lesson by not cleaning up. Showing no respect to you or his kids (who eats their kids baking without being offered it ffs). Arsehole. Glad to hear you are going to LTB.

In the meantime I'd be getting a lock fitted for a kitchen cupboard & only you and the kids have the key. And tell the kids to hide their nice things under the veggies in the fridge - he obviously wont look there. Or get a lockable box for the fridge as well. Frankly I'd stop cooking for him full stop and he can do his own damn dishes since he's so good at uncomplicated cooking with minimal washing up

Not what I said? Leftovers are not what a person specifically makes for lunch and puts in a lunch box.

The title of the thread is eating food without permission

Im only using the OP’s own words.

It’s not “backwards day” at all, it’s just basic human decency and having some manners.
I’m also not aware of anyone who has ever had an eating disorder due to sharing food with their family like a normal person. This man’s behaviour is vile, as is his reaction to being asked to stop.

And if you eat a child’s cookies without asking for permission, then you’re an utter twat.

He's a prick

I’m just visualising all these homes where the DH has to go round to every family member to ask permission er, I mean to check it’s ok before eating anything in the house….

• Dearest, can I eat that last strawberry in the fridge and a have a piece of the bread for toast? Of course you can sweetie, just check with the children first.
• Boy 1 - hey, hey, take out your head phones! Do you want the last strawberry and can I take a slice of bread for toast? Whatever Dad
• Girl 1 - ? Oh she’s out with friends….ok….messaging her now “hiya can I have the last strawberry and a slice of bread for toast?” (I’ll check with Boy #2 in the meantime.)
• Boy #2…”Hello, what? You’re not talking to me? I embarrassed you? Can I just ask you… “ GO AWAY… La La LA can’t hear you.
• er, let’s see got a message back from Girl 1, “we have strawberries? Yum. Check with mum on bread I think she wanted it for the ducks” right, better clarify “I checked with mum, she’s ok with me having a bit of toast. There’s only one strawberry left, did you want it?”
• Dearest, Boy 2 isn’t speaking to me..apparently he’s still angry because I picked him up wearing my sports gear and he was mortified at a middle aged man in spandex knowing him in public, could you check with him for me dear if it’s ok for me to have that last strawberry and a slice of bread for toast? What? You’re in the middle of Bridgerton? Well how long is the episode? Twenty minutes….I suppose I can wait I still don’t have an answer from girl #1 and have yet to check with girl #2….

What kind of monster owns cookies?

Id be pretty vile too if I was told I had to ask permission to eat any food in my own home. It’s a bad system. So inefficient and results in fucked up power dynamics and disordered thinking about food. If certain items need to be set aside, then you label them or have a shelf for them. Or you let people know. The rest should be free to anyone living there. And if you bake cookies (or dinner) it should automatically be for sharing within the family and there should not be this “wait until the cook offers and then ask permission to have some” malarky.

Dear god, there is some serious strategic misinterpreting of what the OP said going on here. If he takes 1/3 of the tray of cookies, and there are at least 4 people in the house, he's clearly not sharing properly. OP said very clearly that there is "snacks, bread and other ingredients lying around that are all fair game if he wanted to make himself something...". Anyone who wants to actually read her posts can see that she is taking about him taking specific food - cooked by others. It's not like he needs to ask to make himself a piece of toast. Not sure why some people are pretending that's the case. It's all a bit pathetic tbh to so misrepresent what the OP said.

It’s not “backwards day” at all, it’s just basic human decency and having some manners.

Of course it is and most people know that.

Except for the odd few people who haven't been raised with manners and decency, and no-one's going to want them or their kids visiting their homes anyway.

This sounds like a control thing to me. Similar to what my father used to do. Probably not even hungry, just wants to beat his chest and show his dominance.

However, unmarked leftovers are definitely fairly game!

He is being a greedy pig. Awful that he has taken food the kids have prepped. Assume you serve him less food if he pinches out of the pan.

Obviously not grown up in a house that had to plan and budget food. My dad would have been a bit like this so he learned to check with mum her meal plan for the week or treats when she served him plain pasta or rice 4 days in a row when he snacked on planned food. She also got a lock box for snacks and biscuits which embarrassed him into again not taking extra snacks

Dh is a snacker but he buys his snacks on the way home from work and shoves them in a set cupboard. He also picks up extra bit for me and kids

And left overs are not fair game in our house as everyone knows they are somebodies or the basis of next days lunches or meals.