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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

eating food without permission

606 replies

thecatswhiskrs · 20/06/2023 12:25

This is a long-running argument in our house and I'd love to get a sense from others of whether I (and my kids) are just being unreasonable....

DH has a habit of mooching around the kitchen looking for food. He feels that anything in the kitchen is (and should be) fair game. He gets very upset when we shout at him for eating something that we feel he shouldn't have or something that we feel he should have checked first.

Examples:

  • A child will have cooked some cookies for themselves and others to eat. The leave the tray on the counter to cool anticipating that lovely treat later and then come back to find their father has eaten a third of the tray before they've even offered.
  • A child will have made some food for their lunch. There will be leftovers and they will have mentally allocated these for their lunch the next day in school. They leave it in the fridge or somewhere to cool, come back and it's gone.
  • I am making dinner. It's nearly time to eat. I've planned the meal so that everyone has (for instance) 3 sausages and two bits of bacon. He comes in and nicks two bits of bacon from the pan right before we are about to eat.

He argues that he has paid for the all of the food in the kitchen and shouldn't have to ask for permission to eat it. If we have plans for some of it and haven't allowed enough to share then it's our fault for not making enough (we should just make lots more of everything to allow for others having some). He feels that we are not being generous and that (in spite of his best efforts to model generosity) we are all just being mean.

Are we being unreasonable (or just plain miserable!) to want him to at least check whose food it is and whether it has a destination before just eating it??

OP posts:
JulieHoney · 20/06/2023 15:13

ReadingSoManyThreads · 20/06/2023 14:47

Oh and lastly, you writing "eating food without permission", comes across very controlling. If a man had posted that about his wife or his children, you'd be getting comments about him being abusive.

He's a grown adult, and one who financially contributes, he does not need "permission" to eat food.

He’s eating food someone else prepared without asking the person who prepared it if that was ok.

He was taking stuff made by another person that they intended to eat, and not asking if he could.

If he were taking fruit or making toast or something, the OP wouldn’t have an issue.

This is being too lazy and selfish to make anything for himself and just pinching other people’s food.

MrsTerryPratchett · 20/06/2023 15:15

One the mind-reading point @ReadingSoManyThreads DH the other day ate something that was 'mine' and I was disappointed. I can't eat his version, he can eat mine so it was annoying. What he did was apologised, I told him it was an honest mistake and not to worry. We moved on.

There is no world in which he would take 1/3 of DD's baking without asking. Not ever. That's a dick move.

caringcarer · 20/06/2023 15:17

DRS1970 · 20/06/2023 13:46

Make the next batch of cookies with laxatives and see how generous he feels everyone should be when his arse falls into the toilet pan for a few hours...

Just commenting for a friend.

🤗

😂 😂 😂 😂 Genius. 😂 Do it OP. Bake a tray of choc chip cookies only use that Exlax chocolate. It might stop him stealing the kids cookies in future.

Brefugee · 20/06/2023 15:19

a friend of mine's husband does that kind of thing @MrsTerryPratchett - scarfs all the gluten free snacks first, then eats his.
They buy snacks during the weekly shop, which he pays for (he's a controller, we're trying to build her up to leaving him, it's not easy) they calculate, say 14 mini rolls - 7 gluten free, 7 regular (therefore cheaper) for them to eat after dinner watching TV. So day 1 he'll eat 2 of hers, and she gets 1. Then he will eat the rest of hers over the next day. But he is an absolute cunt. it is hard to be around him (he does similar with things she's prepared for meals in advance, etc) but we have to, or we don't see her.

caringcarer · 20/06/2023 15:20

ReadingSoManyThreads · 20/06/2023 14:47

Oh and lastly, you writing "eating food without permission", comes across very controlling. If a man had posted that about his wife or his children, you'd be getting comments about him being abusive.

He's a grown adult, and one who financially contributes, he does not need "permission" to eat food.

Then he needs to prepare and cook it not take food others have prepped and cooked.

barbarahunter · 20/06/2023 15:22

My ex used to do something similar. If he knew that I had bought treats for the kids, eg easter eggs, he would wait until me and the kids were in bed, then he would ransack the house until he found them. I had hidden them from the kids' eyes but actually I learned to hide kids' stuff from him, too. He would then eat the lot. We didn't have a lot of money at the time, and I also made sure that there were things for him to snack on but it made no difference.

I think it was about more than just greed and selfishness although it was those things too. I grew to realise that it was about petty resentment that we might be having something nice without him. It was about not wanting us to have enjoyment, only he should enjoy things... and ultimately, as someone said upthread, it was about control. Is food the only thing he takes, OP? Does he seek to control in other ways?

aloris · 20/06/2023 15:24

This is just a show of dominance on his part, IMO. Everything in this house is mine, even if it's yours, and I can do whatever I want with it, I don't even have to ask, I can just take what I want.

SayHi · 20/06/2023 15:24

Going into the fridge and eating a yoghurt or something is one thing but he’s intentionally eating other peoples food without asking.

He sounds selfish and entitled.

Do you work?
Does he think he can do whatever he wants because he pays for it?

MrsTerryPratchett · 20/06/2023 15:25

Brefugee · 20/06/2023 15:19

a friend of mine's husband does that kind of thing @MrsTerryPratchett - scarfs all the gluten free snacks first, then eats his.
They buy snacks during the weekly shop, which he pays for (he's a controller, we're trying to build her up to leaving him, it's not easy) they calculate, say 14 mini rolls - 7 gluten free, 7 regular (therefore cheaper) for them to eat after dinner watching TV. So day 1 he'll eat 2 of hers, and she gets 1. Then he will eat the rest of hers over the next day. But he is an absolute cunt. it is hard to be around him (he does similar with things she's prepared for meals in advance, etc) but we have to, or we don't see her.

What a wanker. Watch and wait and hope. They do sometimes leave.

Season0fTheWitch · 20/06/2023 15:27

Allotted food is never fair game. Especially if it's a whole dinner! Deduct anything he eats from what you give him. If he eats 2 bits of bacon, he gets none. If he eats someone's chips, he gets none. He doesn't need permission, he needs to ask if it's not being used for something else. DH knows all snacks are fair game, but actually ingredients or main parts of a meal he asks me about.

LaMaG · 20/06/2023 15:29

aloris · 20/06/2023 15:24

This is just a show of dominance on his part, IMO. Everything in this house is mine, even if it's yours, and I can do whatever I want with it, I don't even have to ask, I can just take what I want.

Agree 100%. The behaviour is being a wanker but the reasoning behind it is much worse IMO. Everything in this house is mine because I paid for it??? Jesus.

I initially misread DH as DS and was nodding along thinking mine is the same til I realised this is a grown man not a silly teenager. YANBU OP, not even a tiny bit.

ThursdayFreedom · 20/06/2023 15:30

SkyandSurf · 20/06/2023 12:53

Selfish prick.

Is he fat?

@SkyandSurf take your judgey pants & jump off a pier, they're big enough to save you.

I'm FAT, I'm not a greedy selfish pig.

his weight has nothing to do with his behaviour. He might resemble the Michelin man, he might resemble a string bean.

FAT people aren't all greedy selfish pigs.

Ponderingwindow · 20/06/2023 15:32

I tend towards standard ingredients that are kept in abundance are fair game. Ingredients that are likely needed in a specific quantity for a recipe if they have been purchased are off limits. Things people have spent their labor making, you have to ask. The things we buy specifically for lunches you have to count what is left until the next shop and can only eat what is extra.

or in simpler terms: don’t make anyone have to go to the store or cook again before they want

i keep a sharpie in the kitchen and we label liberally

ThursdayFreedom · 20/06/2023 15:33

IDontWantToBeAPie · 20/06/2023 12:58

No he's unreasonable. Would he agree to leave things alone if they're labelled like the lunch or if DC says 'dad the cookies on the side are cooking please don't eat them until I've finished with them'?

The dinner thing he'd have just got no bacon. When asked say he already ate his.

@IDontWantToBeAPie

Nope. Someone in the house has made the effort to bake cookies, he knows it wasn't him, so the cookies are not for him unless offered. It's not a tricky concept!!

same with the school lunch.

aloris · 20/06/2023 15:34

Brefugee · 20/06/2023 15:19

a friend of mine's husband does that kind of thing @MrsTerryPratchett - scarfs all the gluten free snacks first, then eats his.
They buy snacks during the weekly shop, which he pays for (he's a controller, we're trying to build her up to leaving him, it's not easy) they calculate, say 14 mini rolls - 7 gluten free, 7 regular (therefore cheaper) for them to eat after dinner watching TV. So day 1 he'll eat 2 of hers, and she gets 1. Then he will eat the rest of hers over the next day. But he is an absolute cunt. it is hard to be around him (he does similar with things she's prepared for meals in advance, etc) but we have to, or we don't see her.

Wow, that's awful. Gluten-free rolls don't even taste that good; there's no reason to take them when there are normal rolls available, other than to spite her and make sure she doesn't have sufficient food. Truly horrible behavior.

Bayleaf25 · 20/06/2023 15:36

Yes I think there’s a difference between helping yourself to ‘general’ food - fruit, yoghurt, crisps from snack drawer, piece of toast etc. Or helping yourself to something made by someone else without checking. Or something clearly ‘unusual’ in the fridge, where it is polite to check with the other people in the house before you help yourself.

moderationincludingmoderation · 20/06/2023 15:39

'I paid for it'

just sounds like an excuse for

'I have no self control'

ReachForTheMars · 20/06/2023 15:42

Hes being an entitled shit and if DH nicked the bacon from my pan that would be his portion gone.

Entitled as fuck. Happy to pay but not happy to ask politely. Does he think he has a live in cook?

What an absolute self centred dickhead.

Bearpawk · 20/06/2023 15:43

Op do you have any suitable snacks in the house ? Perhaps you guys could get in some mini cheeses/ cocktail sausages/ nuts then he knows they're freely up for grabs.
If he started nicking dinner ingredients I'd just leave them out of his dinner tbh. So everyone gets bacon except him as he's had his already.

CupEmpty · 20/06/2023 15:43

Interesting, I wonder if any women are like this. We eat separately from our kids at the mo as they eat early, and often have leftovers (so I’ll cook for us one night, the kids will then have it the next etc). I’m constantly annoyed by my husband eating more than his ‘share’ which means I have to do the kids something else. For example - a pack of 24 meatballs (about ping pong ball sized) I’d have 6 with pasta/veg, he would have the other 18 and a whole garlic bread to himself with pasta. Irritates the hell out of me as nobody needs to eat that much, it’s just gluttony.

IwishIcouldButIcantSoIwont · 20/06/2023 15:44

Lovestodrinkmilk · 20/06/2023 12:32

If you are feeding him the same quanties as a woman or child, maybe you are underfeeding him. Maybe he should do the cooking.

That. Cook more stuff.

Amybelle88 · 20/06/2023 15:49

Ugh he's a pig 🐖

Diddykong · 20/06/2023 15:50

IwishIcouldButIcantSoIwont · 20/06/2023 15:44

That. Cook more stuff.

Surely he can feed himself. OP doesn't 'feed him'.

greenspaces4peace · 20/06/2023 15:53

7-8 pages in, isn’t this the typical kind of thing you “discover” about your man within 1 month of living together? Certainly by the time the kids are baking their own cookies it’s sorted.
my fit healthy dh eats all sorts all day and me as the main cook do need to tell him what my plans are.
so I see communication being an issue (although he communicated his dick superiority well), and ultimately finances.
yup I buy lots and have almost zero restriction on food.
The way the op worded this does sound controlling.

Bharath · 20/06/2023 16:00

He’s greedy, and probably fat, but it’s up to you if you want to be with someone like that. But that in itself isn’t a problem. The problem is that you’re obviously letting him off with the consequences of his greed. He ate his share of bacon so he gets none on his plate. He took a child’s lunch so he needs to replace it before school. Etc.

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