eating food without permission

[thecatswhiskrs]

This is a long-running argument in our house and I'd love to get a sense from others of whether I (and my kids) are just being unreasonable....

DH has a habit of mooching around the kitchen looking for food. He feels that anything in the kitchen is (and should be) fair game. He gets very upset when we shout at him for eating something that we feel he shouldn't have or something that we feel he should have checked first.

Examples:

• A child will have cooked some cookies for themselves and others to eat. The leave the tray on the counter to cool anticipating that lovely treat later and then come back to find their father has eaten a third of the tray before they've even offered.
• A child will have made some food for their lunch. There will be leftovers and they will have mentally allocated these for their lunch the next day in school. They leave it in the fridge or somewhere to cool, come back and it's gone.
• I am making dinner. It's nearly time to eat. I've planned the meal so that everyone has (for instance) 3 sausages and two bits of bacon. He comes in and nicks two bits of bacon from the pan right before we are about to eat.

He argues that he has paid for the all of the food in the kitchen and shouldn't have to ask for permission to eat it. If we have plans for some of it and haven't allowed enough to share then it's our fault for not making enough (we should just make lots more of everything to allow for others having some). He feels that we are not being generous and that (in spite of his best efforts to model generosity) we are all just being mean.

Are we being unreasonable (or just plain miserable!) to want him to at least check whose food it is and whether it has a destination before just eating it??

Is he a Labrador? Do you need to whop him on the nose with a newspaper? (Wouldn’t ever do that to a dog, btw!)

Greed is so unattractive

He obviously feels that his wants are more important than anyone elses.

If you steal your child's food, you deserve to be shamed.

I am making dinner. It's nearly time to eat. I've planned the meal so that everyone has (for instance) 3 sausages and two bits of bacon. He comes in and nicks two bits of bacon from the pan right before we are about to eat.

Then his plate has no bacon.

In other scenarios? They put out a sign.
He's a twat.

I would hate my loved ones to be food-shaming me.

So you believe someone has the right to take whatever food they want without consideration for the family? It is greed. Or does the big strong man need to eat it all?

Cook his dinner, then share it out telling him exactly what he said about sharing! Don’t forget to give him his empty plate!

I am making dinner. It's nearly time to eat. I've planned the meal so that everyone has (for instance) 3 sausages and two bits of bacon. He comes in and nicks two bits of bacon from the pan right before we are about to eat.

Well in that instance he has eaten his two bits of bacon and just had the sausages on his plate!

The other examples make him a bit of a twat though

Of course YANBU. It's got nothing to do with depriving him of food, you and the children need to be able to plan that food you leave for something will be there when you get back! It's an organisational issue.

Personally I'd be encouraging the DC to eat any special treats of his they fancy.

YANBU . He's greedy and selfish and making his dominance known. You and the childrens needs are not worth thinking about.

My DH used to buy snacks for us all every week. If I didn't fancy it just then I would hide it. He used to proudly announce he had found my new hiding place and say it was my fault for not hiding the snack well enough. Some weeks he would eat his, mine AND the kids snacks by the second day, always promising to replace but never doing it. It's the mentality of an abusive man imo.

Did his parents spoil and indulge him so that he grew up a selfish pig? That was the case with my ex. Whenever he did it at his parents’ house, his mother would simper and sigh instead of telling the twat off. If she cooked 8 burgers for four people, he’d take 4 and she’d let him. He was always getting more food - more dessert, pieces of cake, digging his fingers into food she was making…

Your DP lacks all consideration. I don’t know if it’s worth bothering to correct him. I had no success with my twat 🙄 You could try shaming him. That’s the only thing that seemed to have some effect.

This is a display of dominance and control. I bet it's not the only thing he does to make you all aware of who he thinks is in charge in your home.

Such well-behaved children, resourceful and such a dreadful husband.

My OH has a tendency to do this, not in an uncaring way (he's apologetic if he finds out he ate something that one of us was saving for instance) but just because he doesn't think, so I made one shelf in the cupboard his shelf so he knows anything on that shelf is fair game, and when there's leftovers in the fridge I tell him if they're being saved or if he can eat them.

I had an ex who said his highly abusive father did this. It was to make sure that he had all the nice things to eat and his wife and child didn't. They were on a very tight budget.

It was the least of the things he did but it was easily seen as "you don't get anything unless I choose it".

This is selfish, greedy behavior and reminds me of all the MNetters who eat their DCs chocolate eggs at Easter.

Any self-regulation your kids have learned will be ruined by him, if they can't even leave cookies to cool down without him helping himself.

They'll end up eating more than they want to in one sitting because they know there'll be none left for later anyway.

Make the next batch of cookies with laxatives and see how generous he feels everyone should be when his arse falls into the toilet pan for a few hours...

Just commenting for a friend.

🤗

A grown man who apparently can't think about others in his household?

So his wife has to go to the trouble of giving him his own shelf and specifically telling him what he can eat from the fridge?

You're just managing his shitty, selfish behaviour rather than him taking responsibility for it.

Sounds like you are also catering for yourselves separately. This can work but there needs to be someone in charge of supplies and routines. I make most packed lunches, DH handles breakfast, son and I are the dinner chefs. I’m the shopping and supplies chief and laundry and the DH is cleaning etc.

My husband used to do this, until it got to a point where it affected our dinners. It wasn't such a big deal while the kids were little, but when they grew their appetites increased. So him taking food before dinner, affected the portions. I ended up giving him less. When he complained, I explained that he'd already had it, before I served up. He never did it again.

At one point during the war, every child in the UK was given a banana. The writer Evelyn Waugh ate all of the bananas allocated to his house, in front of the children.

Evelyn Waugh was a great writer but a terrible person. The bananas were the least of it

Who the fuck does he think he is??
It sounds to me as if it’s his way of
reminding you all that he’s the boss and can do what he wants.

I'd be tempted TBH.

Eating snacks in the cupboard or having leftovers for lunch isn't not thinking about others but it can impact on the rest of us, he can't read my mind as to what is earmarked for dinner and what isn't so telling him makes sense, and giving his own shelf so that he knows he's not eating anyone else's snacks without having to call me and ask each time he's hungry