eating food without permission

[thecatswhiskrs]

This is a long-running argument in our house and I'd love to get a sense from others of whether I (and my kids) are just being unreasonable....

DH has a habit of mooching around the kitchen looking for food. He feels that anything in the kitchen is (and should be) fair game. He gets very upset when we shout at him for eating something that we feel he shouldn't have or something that we feel he should have checked first.

Examples:

• A child will have cooked some cookies for themselves and others to eat. The leave the tray on the counter to cool anticipating that lovely treat later and then come back to find their father has eaten a third of the tray before they've even offered.
• A child will have made some food for their lunch. There will be leftovers and they will have mentally allocated these for their lunch the next day in school. They leave it in the fridge or somewhere to cool, come back and it's gone.
• I am making dinner. It's nearly time to eat. I've planned the meal so that everyone has (for instance) 3 sausages and two bits of bacon. He comes in and nicks two bits of bacon from the pan right before we are about to eat.

He argues that he has paid for the all of the food in the kitchen and shouldn't have to ask for permission to eat it. If we have plans for some of it and haven't allowed enough to share then it's our fault for not making enough (we should just make lots more of everything to allow for others having some). He feels that we are not being generous and that (in spite of his best efforts to model generosity) we are all just being mean.

Are we being unreasonable (or just plain miserable!) to want him to at least check whose food it is and whether it has a destination before just eating it??

I have to admit this is the rule in our house too. You cook, you clear up afterwards. We're both messy and it definitely helps to keep our minds focused knowing the 'cleaning fairy' won't be coming along after us

Whoever cooks in our house, the other cleans up, which seems fair as I hate cooking so I'm happy to clean up after DH every day.

Where would you cool cookies that are not fair game then?

Situation 1: cookies on the counter are fair game for everyone! DH not unreasonable.

So it's fine to eat more cookies than everyone else in one sitting leaving not even a fair share? I wouldn't be bothered by taking 1 but a third without asking? That's just greedy.

I think you are being are being a little unreasonable, though I get that this can be annoying - many older kids help themselves like this then there isn't enough for lunches.

As a PP said, cookies are fair game (I would have eaten one), label stuff in the fridge as it's not obvious that it's anything but leftovers (If we have a portion of dinner left and I want it for work I put in a takeaway container and tell everyone that I am taking it). Eating dinner before you have dished up, take it from what your DH was getting and the rest of you have full portions.

Make some catfood wraps for him

People have different views on food being communal vs asking but one thing stands out from your post and that is that he is eating food other people PREPARED not just grabbing a yogurt from the fridge or a can of beans that he didn't know was going to be used later.

He is waiting for other people to make food then stealing it when they aren't looking... WTF? why can't he make his own food.

Also why eat almost all of something someone else made, theres no way eating 75% of a tray of cookies etc... isn't rude.

Same.

I clean up as I go along so by time I finish eating, I just have the plate and silverware I use (goes in the dishwasher) and maybe one pot or skillet that I already had soaking and wash after I’ve finished so it’s 5 minutes if that for me to tidy up.

My DH has three times the dishes and the countertops covered, dishwasher filled , sink full, and then leaves things in the sink for the next day. I cook before him for this reason otherwise I would end up having to tidy most of it to make something and I’m the one who makes the more complex dishes. He’s doing sausage, beans, and chips.

He does clean it up the next day but for some odd reason he never thinks to empty the drying rack first before putting wet dishes in which means it all doesn’t end up tidied away.

It used to be one cooks the other tidy but it wasn’t fair on me when it takes him 5 min to tidy and me 25 for his.

He sounds hungry to me. Couldn’t you allocate and purchase some ‘Daddy snacks’ with the weekly shop?

"Fair game"? Cookies that someone else (who you know has guests over) just baked from scratch and left out to cool? You would seriously reach out your hand and grab one?

Ignorant, greedy and very selfish.

Ew, this gives me the ick. It's like he's a grabby little child who doesn't yet understand that just because he can see something, it doesn't mean he can automatically have it.

It's actually blowing my mind that some households go around actually, physically labelling food in their own homes, and buying "separate Daddy Snacks" (CRINGE) to placate grabby, greedy, rude men.

Weren't you taught not to snatch when you were a toddler? Do you not teach your own families this? Do you not expect your married partners to live up to this very, very basic human standard?

Am I only one thinking ... who wants to make cookies child has made. They are probably the least nice cookies / junk food to choose from in the house. Don't you mostly only eat them in sufferance, not out of preference (?!!)

Situation 1: cookies on the counter are fair game for everyone! DH not unreasonable.
But they weren’t on the counter on a plate or even in a big tin (even then I think I’d check if it was a free-for-all or had been baked for an intended purpose – bake sale, event, etc. They were on cooling racks! The cooling rack is part of the baking process; it’s no different to opening the oven when the biscuits are still in there and nicking 1/3 of them, or scooping 1/3 of the biscuit dough from the bowl while the baker’s back is turned. And what is the baking child supposed to do to cool their baking? Big “hands off” label that dad would likely ignore? Cool them in the bedroom?! Account for a grown man eating 1/3 of a batch of anything?

He's outrageous. He paid for the food but he didn't cook it! You must ask to eat food other people have prepared and common curtsey is you should also make sure you aren't eating uncooked food that is for dinner etc!

🤮 because a grown adult man couldn’t do that himself and needs his wife to be his mummy?

OP, he sounds pretty selfish and arrogant. Does he consider himself to be the most important person in the house?

Sounds like you don't make/have enough food. When I lived at home our house had weird rules like "that's your dad's ham/kitkats/whatever don't eat them" so youd have to ask before you ate anything out the fridge. When I went round to my boyfriend's (now husband's) house (he moved back home after uni so lived with parents) or when we eventually moved in I'd ask "can I eat x, are they for anything specific" and he'd reply "they are for eating why are you so weird asking if you can eat things? Just eat them, that's what food is for, if we run out we buy more". So now we have 3 kids the same rules apply, no weird "you can't eat x" I mean unless it's the dessert on Christmas day, it's fair game, eat the food! The food is for everyone, if you are hungry have a look what there is!

The only thing I'd reeeally object to in this situation though is eating food that is ready to be served out the pan so there then isn't enough, that's not on!

YANBU about the last example. He is out of order for that one and that would really annoy me, I would be insisting that he then didn't have bacon with his actual meal because he's already had his.

The other two examples though, I'm not so sure on. Surely if someone in the house bakes cookies its normal to think that they're meant for sharing? I wouldn't be that upset if he had a few when they were there and would expect people in the house to do this, as I've always seen baked goods as communal and literally made to share...there might be an issue if he is taking more than his fair share of the cookies, but simply taking some isn't an issue.

Similar with the packed lunch situation...I find it strange how you talk about your 'child' as if there are an adult in the house. Are they an older teen or an actual child? If they have made their lunch and there's food left over I don't see why its so bad for DH to then eat the food that's left in the fridge. His point about the fact that he buys it/his money contributes to buying it is fair. I wouldn't expect a child with no financial input to have authority over earmarking food for themselves. Food is for the whole household. Surely it would get very complicated for everyone if you're going to live like you're in a uni flat and label up every single item of food as belonging to someone.

The only exceptions to this would be specific/special items that an individual has bought for themselves or was specifically allocated as their share of something...e.g leftover takeaway that the kids had ordered for themselves last night, they have a few pieces of pizza left that Dad then nabs...or leftover lasagne that everyone gets a portion of each to have whenever they want and Dad has his portion but then also someone else's (there was a mn thread about that a few months ago)...a chocolate bar/chocolate cake bought by an individual for themselves and not enough to share, a cake baked specifically for a dinner party when guests are expected...those are the type of examples I thought you would give and those would bother me. Like I said your last example with the bacon qualifies as DH being U. But the rest of it I think you and DC are overreacting, unless there's a backstory and more examples like the ones I've mentioned that you just didn't include.

It's strange to see how mumsnet works sometimes. I remember a thread not long ago where the OP was angry with her children (actual children, I think primary age) because they were taking food from the general cupboard that had been earmarked for everyone's lunches and snacks and just eating them outside meal times/stashing them in their rooms...most people on that thread said the OP was U for trying to limit their food, that they were part of the family and can eat food from their own house whenever they wanted, even that OP was being abusive by restricting their food, that she clearly needed to buy more etc etc...but on this thread, because its an adult (and a man??) the response is completely different and he needs to be whipped into shape/is a dick for taking food/needs to be taught a lesson. Interesting.

He sounds like a twat

Well I never agree with the "you're abusive/controlling unless your children can have unlimited access to all food at all times" posts either.

I think there are possibly two worlds on MN. The one where there's a budget and the one where if the food runs out then what's the harm - just buy more!

What sort of beast would eat a cookies a child made?

Arghhhh mine does exactly the same, it is not the buying of the food it is food you made that means he needs to ask permission! My fiancé will happily eat all of a batch of cupcakes I have made with my daughter before we have had a chance to ice/ decorate them because we usually make them one day and decorate the next but he eats most or all before we have a chance. Then when I tell him off he just says that I know what he is like and I should make more!! YANBU!!!

Oh, I thought you were going to be U for "shouting" at a family member for eating food without permission if it were fruit/snacks and not just before a meal.

But no, of course he shouldn't be eating food that OTHER PEOPLE HAVE MADE without being offered it.

If he wants to eat cookies, bacon and leftovers then he should buy or make extra cookies, bacon and pre-prepared meal snacks. Or if you do the shopping he should talk to you about buying extras in.

A whole batch fuck me

It’s not about “asking permission”, it’s about accepting that you’re part of a family unit and that your actions might affect others. I do all the cooking, meal planning and shopping. DH is very happy with this arrangement - ergo he will check before eating anything unusual or not obviously “his” to make sure that it isn’t earmarked for a meal. Because that’s being part of a unit and not just selfishly considering himself as an individual.