Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think my sister should think carefully about her wedding date?

256 replies

ThroughGraceAlone · 20/06/2023 07:14

My sister (28f) just got engaged. (or rather, they are just waiting for the ring and will then make it public/announce it, but her bf has gone round to chat to my dad)
My sister and whole family live in a different continent. Myself, DH and 2 children live in the UK.

We (me, DH, kids) have flight tickets to go back home for Christmas. But we fly out end of November and are only returning in the middle of January. (+- 7 weeks) We especially made our trip home that long because we were kind of expecting an engagement and wanted to give my sister ample time to plan the wedding if they wanted us included.

My sister phoned me crying yesterday explaining how she and bf had been wanting to get married in October, but obviously really want us there, but really do not want to wait till December. Besides, she argues that December is a hard time to get married.
{for context, we are a large close-knit family, having a big Christmas get together)
She does not want to miss Christmas with us and family, to be on her honeymoon if she gets married December. ( we have another family wedding 15th of December so she argues with another wedding and Christmas, when is she going to fit in her wedding? )
I get that, really, she wants to feel special not pushed in somewhere, she wants a nice long honeymoon, but not have to miss family events and get married sooner rather than later.

But we make things difficult. To add to that my mom has apparently said the's intentionally being difficult by not just having the wedding when we are there.

Realistically best choice would be to get married in January (after Christmas and everything) and I can help with arrangements etc or then October and we miss out.

I do not want to influence my sister either way as I think it is her choice, but don't want her to regret it down the line. ( the photos I have of my wedding with my sisters helping me get ready are special to me)

What would you do? Is it reasonable to expect November, December or Jan or should they just do October.
Thanks for reading this far!!

OP posts:
Original poster
ThroughGraceAlone · 20/06/2023 11:50

ThatFraggle · 20/06/2023 07:24

Exactly.

You don't live in the country. Why do you think January is 'better'?

Your sister knows the weather better than you do. Maybe tourist books say that December is best for a holiday, but your sister knows there are dusty winds in December and would prefer it when it's a bit chilly, in October.

Maybe October is the anniversary of when they first fucked. Maybe she's already pregnant. Maybe her/his job is super busy in December. Maybe...

It's none of your business when your sister books her wedding.

And it was super dumb to book tickets without discussing it with the person you're visiting.

Show quote history

we are not visiting my sister per se. We're going home for Christmas

OP posts:
Caramelatt · 20/06/2023 11:52

Mirabai · 20/06/2023 08:37

Entirely depends whether DS would actually like not to have her sister at her wedding.

I’m a bit baffled by the posters who are assuming a British climate. If it’s in Aus for example, which would explain having to book flights so far in advance, Dec-Feb is the high summer.

Show quote history

January is not just bad weather month in the UK. Australia has summers but OP hasn't specified it is Australia. Given her username, I think it is north America.

Also, early Jan is not that great time for anniversary celebrations each year right after Christmas period. Let sister plan what is best for her, she will be celebrating this date every year, not OP.

waltzingparrot · 20/06/2023 11:52

My solution would be ....get married on Christmas Eve, have a wonderful family Christmas and go on honeymoon when they've all gone home.

Bansheed · 20/06/2023 11:54

LadyJ2023 · 20/06/2023 10:22

So so wrong expecting your sister to adapt plans to suit yourself. You wouldn't have liked that but you expect her to like it. If you love her you make the effort to be there when she decided not on your terms. So sad you've made it complicated for her should be a happy time

As someone who is about to get married and planning a wedding with plenty travelling from overseas, i just cannot fathom this attitiude.

We absolutely did not expect everyone to come but those that wanted to, we worked with their schedules too, if needed. They will be the friends and family who support our marriage and being considerate to travel plans meant that we delayed by four months, but that was no bother to us. And because, you know, we are adults and reasonable.

Yes, it is a fun happy time. But also one of feeling part of your family and community, they bring much of the joy too. And no, i am not religious, just friendly.

The bride was the one ringing in tears, when there is a perfect solution for everyone. She has made it complicated and stressfully emotional.

Original poster
ThroughGraceAlone · 20/06/2023 11:56

LadyBird1973 · 20/06/2023 07:55

I don't get why there's so much criticism of the OP. The sister doesn't want to miss out on a family Christmas any more than the OP does. And this is part of her reasoning in wanting an October wedding, just as it's part of OPs plans to fly out end of November.

Very few people would get engaged in June and married in October of the same year. OP shouldn't be blamed for not taking that into account before booking her flights. Presumably the time OP has booked has been planned around her own life events too - time off work etc.

OP is from the continent where her sister lives - I'd guess that she knows what the weather will be like in January.

Yes, the sister has a right to marry when she pleases, but with this level of notice, she's a bit unreasonable to get upset if family who live on another continent can't make it.

That said, in OPs shoes, I'd try to either fly out by myself for the wedding or if possible change flights for whole family to go earlier and return earlier. But this only works if your/dh's jobs allow and airline are flexible.

Thanks for being a bit more objective! We put off buiyng the ticket, but bought about a month ago to avoid prices going even higher. In the back of my mind I reasoned that if they haven't gotten engaged by now, they would struggle to hold the ceremony anyway befor end of the year.

OP posts:
NameChangePoP · 20/06/2023 11:57

Caramelatt · 20/06/2023 11:52

January is not just bad weather month in the UK. Australia has summers but OP hasn't specified it is Australia. Given her username, I think it is north America.

Also, early Jan is not that great time for anniversary celebrations each year right after Christmas period. Let sister plan what is best for her, she will be celebrating this date every year, not OP.

Show quote history

The OP stated it's South Africa.....

Mirabai · 20/06/2023 11:59

Caramelatt · 20/06/2023 11:52

January is not just bad weather month in the UK. Australia has summers but OP hasn't specified it is Australia. Given her username, I think it is north America.

Also, early Jan is not that great time for anniversary celebrations each year right after Christmas period. Let sister plan what is best for her, she will be celebrating this date every year, not OP.

Show quote history

It’s SA. Her sister wants both an October wedding and the OP present.

BaronessEllarawrosaurus · 20/06/2023 11:59

OK so the issue really is your mum putting pressure on your sister to do it when you are there. Please have your sister's back on this and support her getting the wedding she wants even if it means you missing it.

Mirabai · 20/06/2023 12:01

ThroughGraceAlone · 20/06/2023 11:56

Thanks for being a bit more objective! We put off buiyng the ticket, but bought about a month ago to avoid prices going even higher. In the back of my mind I reasoned that if they haven't gotten engaged by now, they would struggle to hold the ceremony anyway befor end of the year.

Show quote history

You’ve done everything you possibly could. It’s now up to sis as to whether her priority is the date or her sister.

(I just knew it was going to come down to your sister pressurising you to come twice - all the posts saying she has a right to a wedding without you are beside the point).

Mirabai · 20/06/2023 12:02

BaronessEllarawrosaurus · 20/06/2023 11:59

OK so the issue really is your mum putting pressure on your sister to do it when you are there. Please have your sister's back on this and support her getting the wedding she wants even if it means you missing it.

The wedding sister wants, if you read the thread, is to have her sister present.

Original poster
ThroughGraceAlone · 20/06/2023 12:02

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 20/06/2023 08:19

Presumably the criticism is more that the OP booked the dates she did, before her sister is even engaged, planning for the fact that she would have her wedding then, even though she wasn't even engaged or had set a date!

It's a bit batshit.

Show quote history

Thing is December holidays are the slow days in SA. Thats when everyone takes leave. Schools are closed etc. So we went home for a family Christmas knowing in the back of our minds that sis might get engaged and then tried to make the holiday as long as possible to see if she could fit in a date. I mean if she only got engage next year and married next year august, no biggie. I think everyone (parents, siblings) is just feeling that you're going to get engaged in June, and that NOv/dec/jan is a reasonable time when everyone is home/off uni and schools. They're saying why have the wedding 4 weeks before your sister is home and right in the middle of exams. That is why she phoned, to get my opinion also. And i was very neutral and wanted to come on here to see what everyone feels. ie were you said you missed a siblings wedding in hindsight or was it a non-event?

OP posts:
standardduck · 20/06/2023 12:07

Could she be pregnant? Maybe she is very early on, but doesn't want to be heavily pregnant in January at her wedding?

Original poster
ThroughGraceAlone · 20/06/2023 12:07

LadyJ2023 · 20/06/2023 10:22

So so wrong expecting your sister to adapt plans to suit yourself. You wouldn't have liked that but you expect her to like it. If you love her you make the effort to be there when she decided not on your terms. So sad you've made it complicated for her should be a happy time

I feel somewhat unfairly criticized, but guess that's on me. I love her and would love to make the effort to be there, but we've spent almost 2k on flights and wouldn't be able to afford another 2k (which would be more because flight prices are higher). We did have multiple conversations of "hey any preferred dates if you were to get engaged." and she kept saying she doesn't know, they're not engaged yet. I really hope I am not making this time sad for her.

OP posts:
Original poster
ThroughGraceAlone · 20/06/2023 12:09

waltzingparrot · 20/06/2023 11:52

My solution would be ....get married on Christmas Eve, have a wonderful family Christmas and go on honeymoon when they've all gone home.

haha love this, but no! I'd like my sis and bf to be celebrated and feel special! and christmas is special on it's own. don't want to share christmas with your wedding

OP posts:
WillyLows · 20/06/2023 12:10

Have you asked her why she is so set on October? I can see your side more after your updates.

BinkyBeaufort · 20/06/2023 12:11

OP, I've only read your posts and a few others.
I absolutely don't understand why some posters are piling on you and making out you are somehow unreasonable.
Your sister sounds as though she's looking for drama, insisting on a time when you can't be there. And with all the hassle of planning a wedding so quickly (although I always think that's much less stressful - consolidate all the aggro into as short a time as possible) you'd think she'd try to avoid conflict over dates. Especially when it doesn't sound as though she has a good reason for making it October other than that she just wants to.
Is she normally difficult/demanding?

Original poster
ThroughGraceAlone · 20/06/2023 12:11

Batalax · 20/06/2023 10:23

Don’t get emotional about it. Stay neutral and say
”it would be lovely if we could see you get married whilst we are there, but completely understand if October suits you better. Let us know what you decide to do”

Then it’s her choice. Personally I think the November, first week that you are there, sounds better than post Xmas.

Yeah i think this is what I'm going to stick with. Ultimately I'll be sorry but cannot be responsible for her feeling sad that we're not there. She has all the info, it really is her choice

OP posts:
TerfIngOnTheBeach · 20/06/2023 12:13

Just read the full thread and my response is the same. I correctly guessed the OP was coming home for Christmas and the dates were because that is the summer and summer holidays from school for the country in question. I wrongly guess Australia, but that's irrelevant.

Knowing the cost to travel, distance and how far ahead you have to book and plan such a visit I am somewhat surprised at the sister to be honest. One month later isn't going to make any difference to them, let's face it, in the bigger scheme of things January next year is still only just over six months away.

I feel sorry for the OP who is being rather rational in my opinion and for mum who is understandably upset that both her girls won't be there along with 2 of her grandchildren.

I think the sister is being a bit bridezilla tbh.

Original poster
ThroughGraceAlone · 20/06/2023 12:15

MichelleScarn · 20/06/2023 11:33

Yes! "Think carefully before you...".always sounds ominous and really means "don't dare do that!"

Show quote history

Carefully was deffo the wrong word, english isn't my mother tongue so sometimes translating is hard. I meant like to have a think about it and not just choose a date and then be sad we can't come. I meant weigh up what is more important to her, october wedding or us being there

OP posts:
MargotBamborough · 20/06/2023 12:20

ThroughGraceAlone · 20/06/2023 12:07

I feel somewhat unfairly criticized, but guess that's on me. I love her and would love to make the effort to be there, but we've spent almost 2k on flights and wouldn't be able to afford another 2k (which would be more because flight prices are higher). We did have multiple conversations of "hey any preferred dates if you were to get engaged." and she kept saying she doesn't know, they're not engaged yet. I really hope I am not making this time sad for her.

Show quote history

This is really annoying. I would be upset.

You left it for as long as possible before booking your flights, you're going to be out there for 6 weeks, and she decides to get married on short notice, a few weeks before you're due to be there.

I don't think you would be unreasonable to say you did keep asking her about dates and she said there was nothing to work around so you made plans to come for Christmas, and now suddenly she's getting married in October whether you can make it or not? What gives? If she's got her heart set on an October wedding for some excellent reason then why not next October so you have time to save up another two grand for tickets?

ZiriForEver · 20/06/2023 12:21

Yeah, the thread title wasn't the best.
Reading the updates, it sounds just like a normal tricky situation with a distant family.

Had they decided for October earlier, it would be a hard choice for you once again - whether to go for wedding or for Christmas.

Don't try to evaluate, whether your sister would regret more adjusting to the family schedule and getting married in January, or going on with October. There are tradeoffs and compromises in all choices.

Just go ahead with her plans, support her and be happy for her.

Original poster
ThroughGraceAlone · 20/06/2023 12:22

planthelpadvice · 20/06/2023 08:53

Also guessing southern hemisphere where Christmas isn't quite the same as is it is in the UK so I expect it's much more common to have December/January weddings - same as having June/July weddings in the northern hemisphere.

Anyway - doubt the OP is coming back, but if this is real and she's still reading - I think you need to tell your sister to make the best plan for her and you'll do your very best to be there. It isn't reasonable to expect her to work around your dates. Could you go on your own ahead of the rest of your family or stay longer?

I could potentially go back home earlier, but we have no family in the UK, so if I were to go I would have to take the kids as well because my husband works full time, so no-one could look after them.

OP posts:
OwlRightThen · 20/06/2023 12:22

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 20/06/2023 08:06

We especially made our trip home that long because we were kind of expecting an engagement and wanted to give my sister ample time to plan the wedding if they wanted us included

This is the weirdest bit. They decide when they want to get married and you fit around that.

This. You've made an assumption and assumed wrongly. It's odd you would do this.

Original poster
ThroughGraceAlone · 20/06/2023 12:27

autieawesome · 20/06/2023 09:02

Op you don't look good in this. It reads like you assumed they would get married while you were there so you have limited their options. If they want to marry in October can you change your flight

Yeah I feel bad after all the comments. We booked an annual Christmas trip home. (if we had more notice of this wedding we would probably have missed out on Christmas and came for the wedding) But then we decided that in stead of going for the usual 3 ish weeks, lets stretch it out to 8 week so that IF my sis and them wanted to get married around the end of the year and want us there, they have a bit more time. But yeah, maybe you are right we pushed her into a date?? I don't feel like we have though we tried to book as we thought best

OP posts:
Original poster
ThroughGraceAlone · 20/06/2023 12:30

darkmodeon · 20/06/2023 08:23

Do you always try to make these things all about you?

ouch. I wouldn't mind if the wanted it so. But how do i accomodate her and our Christmas plans. It's not about me. I want to make her happy on her wedding day?

OP posts:
Swipe left for the next trending thread