Friends making plans on my birthday weekend

[tricooo]

I am friends with a group of about 10 ladies who go out a few times a year for a night out or a weekend away. Last year one of them planned a weekend away for everyone on my birthday weekend in august, she knew it was my birthday and I'd be on holiday but the consensus was it was the only weekend all summer that everyone else was free. Friend even said to me 'there will be other times' so I let it go.

Today I left work and before I'd even read the messages in our group chat they have all planned another night out this year on the same weekend (my birthday weekend) and I will be abroad again. Everyone knows about this. But, It looks like they're all set on this weekend already. I don't want to turn around now hours after the chat has died down and say I'm busy!

I feel a little hurt this has happened again and like maybe they don't actually want me on these outings :( nobody has waited for my input and now I feel awkward about it.

AIBU?

You are abroad so can't go? I can't see the issue...

It's not their fault you've booked to go away.

A birthday is now a 'birthday weekend' now is it?

Do you expect them to do nothing that weekend?

I'd set up a doodle to see which nights or weekends have the most attendees.

Well, I don't think you can expect a group of adults to plan their social life around your birthday. Why don't you stay at home for your birthday weekend and see your friends if that's what you'd prefer? YABU to expect them to not socialise because you're elsewhere engaged celebrating your birthday

I agree but I’ve missed the window for back and forth about dates as I was at work and can’t have my phone on. They’re all settled on the one weekend I can’t do by the time I’ve even seen the messages

I wouldn't expect someone to be on holiday every year on their birthday. Maybe they thought as you did that last year you would be around this year?

Also 'birthday weekend', your birthday is 1 day.

It’s 10 people. If they waited until everyone was free it would never happen. Plus both times you weren’t an active participant in the planning. If you want to be there for the meet up try organising it next time.

Wait is your problem that they're going ahead without you? Do they normally go ahead if someone is missing? Or is it that they won't be celebrating your bday?

To get someone from 10 (or I suppose 9) separate households together is an absolute nightmare. It doesn’t sound personal at all, it just sounds as though they are generally free that weekend and had you been in the uk for your birthday would have been able to join.

I do actually expect this for people who have birthdays in the summer. My mam has an August birthday and so she's made a point to go on holiday over her birthday. I thought that was quite common (if funds allow of course).

OP, this is the problem with groups! Everyone has different priorities and availability. Maybe this weekend is the one where most people can attend?

I'd pop a message in the chat now just saying "ah I'm on holiday that weekend so I can't make it. Let me know if dates change at all as I'd love to come, but if not, have fun"

You can’t go anyway because you’re abroad?? What’s the problem?

If you all meet for birthdays that’s ten meet ups a year alone

Do you meet for everyone else’s birthday?

Yes my issue is that they’ve moved heaven and earth to find a date that everyone else can do, but last year when I couldn’t go it was like ‘oh well’ and I’m afraid of getting the same response now. I couldn’t care less if they celebrate my birthday or not!

I'm really confused. Why don't you go with them for your 'birthday weekend'?

Next year you'll have to take charge and organise the trip.

She's already on holiday that weekend

Feel like I haven’t made this very clear, it’s nothing to do with it being my birthday, it’s the fact that they’ve been on a group chat all day finding a date that works for everyone else, have agreed a date before I’ve even read the messages, and now I fear being left out again if I pipe up that actually I can’t do that weekend. Which most of them know I’m busy that weekend and haven’t said ‘what about X’

I used to have two/three birthdays. One with family and with friends. I think that you should go with them and do the previous weekend with your DP.

Look at it this way, if you hadn't booked a holiday for your birthday (a nice thing) you would have had a night out to go on for your birthday (a nice thing).

Ideally they'd not organise something on your birthday without checking if it suits you (since it becomes your birthday party), but you can hardly ask them NOT to meet up while you're abroad having a nice time can you?

Time to get over it I'm afraid and take the lead in suggesting the next date.

"ah I'm on holiday that weekend so I can't make it. Let me know if dates change at all as I'd love to come, but if not, have fun. You absolute shower of turnips"
To make sure the vibe is clear.

They've got their own lives and schedules to check rather than remembering the exact dates of your holidays in all fairness.

Ive never heard anything so ridiculous and self centred! You are on holiday, abroad, it is the only weekend they can all do. get a grip ffs.

It doesn’t really sound like they’re your friends to be honest- you don’t even feel comfortable being truthful with them.

If this happened in my group of friends I’d have no issue with saying “I can’t do x date as I’m away, is there another weekend that suits you all? I’m free x, y and z but could do b and c if necessary”.

You can’t really come online and start a bitch thread when you haven’t even told them it doesn’t suit you.

It sounds like you want an excuse to be a victim rather than actually trying to fix the situation. Fair enough if you actually said to them you can’t do that weekend and they replied with “tough sorry” but you haven’t even tried!

Next year institute a doodle poll in March and give everyone a week to fill it out.