Friends making plans on my birthday weekend

[tricooo]

I am friends with a group of about 10 ladies who go out a few times a year for a night out or a weekend away. Last year one of them planned a weekend away for everyone on my birthday weekend in august, she knew it was my birthday and I'd be on holiday but the consensus was it was the only weekend all summer that everyone else was free. Friend even said to me 'there will be other times' so I let it go.

Today I left work and before I'd even read the messages in our group chat they have all planned another night out this year on the same weekend (my birthday weekend) and I will be abroad again. Everyone knows about this. But, It looks like they're all set on this weekend already. I don't want to turn around now hours after the chat has died down and say I'm busy!

I feel a little hurt this has happened again and like maybe they don't actually want me on these outings :( nobody has waited for my input and now I feel awkward about it.

AIBU?

Hi sorry I did. There has been one event at Easter and everyone attended. The last event before that was last year when I missed it

No I haven’t the confidence to instigate after what happened last year. It’s the same few people who always plan things

@tricooo if you never make the effort to plan anything and just say you cant make it when others do, after everyone else has agreed to a date, can you see why they might get frustrated?

I would have to let this go. Easter meet up
went well. Not everyone will be able to make summer dates. It’s too busy. Next year DM the organisers early.

Thank you. So you really don't meet up often if you're only meeting twice a year.

Is your birthday on the bank holiday weekend? Sorry, I don't mean to bombard you with questions. I just wonder if there are anchor points pretty much every six months which work for everyone but you (for the summer one).

I think in big groups there are always people in the centre who do the organising and everyone else sort of falls in around them.

You make out like what “happened last year” was some awful, traumatic event.

You couldn’t go on holiday because you were already on holiday. It’s hardly as if they all planned to purposely leave you out while you were sat at home eating cold beans out of a can in a mouldy flat.

Why don’t you try to arrange things?

You sound like a bit of a pain in the hole if I’m honest. You don’t make plans, you don’t reply to plans until they’re already arranged and you complain that you’ve been left out of plans when you’re on holiday yourself.

There was absolutely nothing stopping you sending a message into the chat a week ago saying about organising the holiday for this year and making it clear that x week wasn’t an option as you were away.

So this is only the third ever meet up between all of you? Are they all relatively new friends?
I'm really not sure if you're blowing all this out of proportion, OP. You've now come back to say there was one other person who was unable to join in the conversation today too so it wasn't just you who wasn't able to message until late in the day so its not just your reply they were waiting for and so not 'everybody' has agreed the date in your absence.
Also, you eventually got back to them during early evening and now worried they've not replied. Are people not generally busy after work, going shopping, getting tea done, bathing kids and getting them to bed etc. Give them a chance to settle down and join the chat again.

No it’s on 12th August. Yes I think maybe others are closer to the planning people than I am as well which doesn’t help

In my friendship group someone would say " let's see what X can do when she has a chance to see these messages" Clearly you're not that close to the bolder members or talkers. It's not very nice to only give you a few hours to reply!

I’d suggest a few other dates you can make and if nobody still replies then probably distance myself from the group. Are there any that you are closer with? It’s often easier to get a date for 3/4 people than 8.

@tricooo @Clymene Or it might be that the 'planners' get so fed up waiting for others to suggest or arrange things that they just go ahead and get stuff done, otherwise none of them would be going anywhere
OP was on holiday when one date was arranged a year ago and now she's got PTSD and can't possibly suggest or arrange events because she's too traumatised? Come on, seriously, how old are the group? 12?

You sound very self absorbed. A grown adult having a birthday weekend sounds ludicrous to me.

Again it’s not about the birthday I couldn’t care less, it’s that they’ve not even waited til the end of the working day for me to see the messages, and when I’ve gone back saying I can do any other date just not that one I’ve been ignored

My birthday is in August and I have never been on holiday on the date of my birthday. Too many young children and much more expensive than say going in June.

I find it a bit odd that they didn't wait for everyone to reply before settling on a date. Personally someone will always miss out when it's a big group because it gets too hard, but what we do is usually propose a few dates and everyone will vote. I see why you're upset OP because you missed out last year, but this doesn't seem like ot has been done on purpose given you've seen them work through to find a date so try not to take it personally

The birthday weekend is irrelevant. If op was having her haemorrhoids lanced she still wouldn’t be able to make it that weekend.

The point is they didn’t seem to notice or care whether she can make it.

Yes thank you. I could have made that clearer at the start I think, my bad

You sound like a PITA.

If they’d created a group chat excluding you and arranged a meet up that they knew you couldn’t attend that would be one thing and you’d be right to be miffed.

They started a discussion about potential dates for a meet up and they agreed on a date that worked for the active participants in that discussion. They don’t know why you’re not responding. For all they know you’re not interested.

Arranging something that works for that many people is tricky. So often it’s going to be a majority rule.

You are talking as if what happened last year was really traumatic. It wasn’t. They had a meet up and you were on holiday. Do you always expect people to put their plans on hold for you whilst you’re on your jollies?

If it matters to you suggest a few dates that work for you and see what they say. But it’s not their problem if the date that the majority of them can make just happens to be the date that you can’t because you’re on holiday.

They started a discussion about potential dates for a meet up and they agreed on a date that worked for the active participants in that discussion. They don’t know why you’re not responding. For all they know you’re not interested.

^ it was a few hours.

Yes it was only a few hours!

Many people would not be able to access or answer text messages in a working day.

Others may have to check at home to see if anything else was arranged before committing

Polite friends would have waited until the end of the day, for everyone to reply before deciding on a date.

I get why pissed off

It's the second time stuff is arranged and you can't go

Tho you have planned to be away for birthday weekend. Twice

Yes you could put on.

Sorry just seen this. Been working. I'm away that weekend for my birthday. So will miss it again like last year

Would love to join you if weekend Before /after

Or next year don't go away and celebrate with friends

And? Others responded. She didn’t. And instead of responding when she was able she started a thread on MN to bitch about them. There was literally nothing stopping her when she got a free moment from suggesting other dates.

is everyone this self-centred but also really incapable of speaking up for what they want and expecting others to just work it out for them?

I put I can do any other of the dates that were being thrown around and nobody replied. And yes I started a thread because I’m insecure I guess. It’s not like I waited long to reply, an hour or so isn’t unreasonable

Why don't you suggest the next meet-up? That way you'll have more control over when it is discussed and your availability is going to be a higher priority.

I can't imagine a group of ten often expects every person to make every event. It sounds like and headache and I expect the organisers were keen to get a date confirmed after all of the back and forth re availability with the other seven people that did come back.

The person that kickstarts the planning always gets to steer the event and date options, it's the benefit they get in return for managing to find a date that works for the majority.