Friends making plans on my birthday weekend

[tricooo]

I am friends with a group of about 10 ladies who go out a few times a year for a night out or a weekend away. Last year one of them planned a weekend away for everyone on my birthday weekend in august, she knew it was my birthday and I'd be on holiday but the consensus was it was the only weekend all summer that everyone else was free. Friend even said to me 'there will be other times' so I let it go.

Today I left work and before I'd even read the messages in our group chat they have all planned another night out this year on the same weekend (my birthday weekend) and I will be abroad again. Everyone knows about this. But, It looks like they're all set on this weekend already. I don't want to turn around now hours after the chat has died down and say I'm busy!

I feel a little hurt this has happened again and like maybe they don't actually want me on these outings :( nobody has waited for my input and now I feel awkward about it.

AIBU?

Do they have partners? I'm wondering if they think that you do a lot anyway, but they need this trip to happen, so grab the first date?

All you can realistically do is send a message saying it's your birthday weekend and you'll be away, but would be sad to miss out for the second year running and is there any other weekend that would work for everyone?

Just send a 'haha same weekend as last year, away for my birthday, don't suppose we can do X date instead?

I have no idea why you can't come on and tell them you can't do this date but could do others.

Just reply oh noooo I'm not here then. Is there any other dates we can all do? I'd hate to miss it again

It just sounds like bad luck. If they didn't want to be friends with you, they wouldn't include you at all, in anything.

I think maybe, knowing this is a popular weekend for them and you, next year, get in early with organising it, making sure you veto your birthday weekend. Or ask can you all go away in July instead. I suspect it's just a clash and nothing to do with you personally.

If there are 10 women, I'd be careful posting on AIBU. There's a good chance one will see this?

Is it the bank holiday weekend? I think yabu, message them and say you cant make it, getting 10 people together is a pain, instead of waiting months see if some of them want to meet for late birghday drinks the week after.

Dont moan on here, moan on the group chat! Just go on the group chat and tell them that the date isn't convenient for you, and that you have been at work so couldn't respond earlier. Ask if you can you rearrange the date so you can be involved of that's what you want.

If they’re checking dates are ok for everyone bar you,twice, I’m afraid you have to read between the lines, you’re being dumped or they’re just inconsiderate. Either way I’d be severing contact, who needs folk like that.

You’ve seen the messages and haven’t replied. That’s literally so annoying when you’re planning something.

I think I see what you mean, @tricooo - you're upset because you're missing out on a night out because you didn't have an opportunity to participate in the discussion. And the same thing happened last year.

I think it's just a case of, ten people is a lot of coordination, so as soon as they hit on a weekend that suited everyone in the chat, they grabbed it . . . I don't think it's personal and I don't think it's anything to do with your birthday.

I know it feels rubbish to be left out purely because you physically couldn't join the conversation, though!

Just reply and say as per last year it's your birthday weekend so already have plans and that it's standard you go away on the Xth week of Y month for the same reason annually so you hope a different date can be arranged for next year.

When you meet up the rest of the year, are there occasions other people can't make it? I'd imagine there must be if there are so many of you.

I'm not surprised it feels personal when out of the group no one suggested waiting for you to finish work and give an opinion on the date, or realised your birthday falls on that weekend and you might have family plans

How many events have you been able to join in with this year so far? Usually if the majority can make it they won't hold out for the last 1/2 people to say their availability. I doubt very much it's personal

I'm amazed they were able to find a single weekend that nine of them can meet up for.

In our group chat we throw dates around and then once we've got a few the active ones can do we wait for others who haven't seen the message.

So, ok, 16th and 23rd august both good for us. Jane, what about you?

Well I’ve replied that I am busy now and nobody has responded. Will see whether they suggest a different date. So frustrating I missed the discussion about it earlier as plenty of others said they couldn’t do certain dates and it was rearranged

I think you are lucky, you get to go on a holiday every year on your birthday.

Why didn't you ask them if they can do another date? People will likely just take that as you're happy not to go.

The thing is, if that's when everyone else is free, OP also can't expect 9 other people to be beholden to the fact she likes to go abroad that weekend. If they meet up several times a year, if the other ones are times she can make then they aren't singling her out.

OP is free and choosing to go abroad celebrating her birthday how she wants to celebrate it, which isn't with these friends. They are also free and are choosing to spend it together. OP can ask them to plan a different time well in advance for next year, or plan to go away a different weekend so she is free.

As I get older i get less tolerant

I would simply respond hey, remember last year when you did the same and i couldnt come as it’s my birthday weekend and we are abroad and you said there will be other times? Well so far there haven’t been other times and you have done the same again this year! Booked my birthday weeks. When you ALL know I can’t come as I am away

I am finding it very hurtful, and have to assume you don’t want me to come for some reason as you keep booking when I am away. Perhaps we can change the weekend please so I can come and someone else take a turn I’m not coming

Why not just say that you're away and as you missed last year you'd love the chance to come this time, and could they rearrange for another date? Why not just speak up? If you just say you're busy but not actually say that you'd like to go, are they meant to just know?

If you meet up a few times a year I'm not sure what the problem is, if you get to join the other get togethers? It doesn't sound like that weekend was their starting point either so it wasn't deliberately picked to exclude you.

They might know it's your birthday but that doesn't mean they remember or it occurs to them. I couldn't keep track of 9 friend's birthdays with ease.