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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Friends making plans on my birthday weekend

141 replies

tricooo · 19/06/2023 17:34

I am friends with a group of about 10 ladies who go out a few times a year for a night out or a weekend away. Last year one of them planned a weekend away for everyone on my birthday weekend in august, she knew it was my birthday and I'd be on holiday but the consensus was it was the only weekend all summer that everyone else was free. Friend even said to me 'there will be other times' so I let it go.

Today I left work and before I'd even read the messages in our group chat they have all planned another night out this year on the same weekend (my birthday weekend) and I will be abroad again. Everyone knows about this. But, It looks like they're all set on this weekend already. I don't want to turn around now hours after the chat has died down and say I'm busy!

I feel a little hurt this has happened again and like maybe they don't actually want me on these outings :( nobody has waited for my input and now I feel awkward about it.

AIBU?

OP posts:
TonTonMacoute · 19/06/2023 18:21

I get why you are frustrated and annoyed but YABU.

How much would you care if you could go and one other person couldn’t?

Delatron · 19/06/2023 18:22

It sounds like it’s just a night out you’re missing? Respond now and say ‘sorry I can’t make that date but would love to see you all’ and see if anyone suggests other dates. I don’t think they will be remembering/thinking about your birthday- it’s kind of irrelevant.

If they continue to arrange meet ups and getaways and ignore the fact that you can’t make it then they aren’t good friends.

In our friendship group we tend to keep flinging out dates until we can all make it.. but there’s not 9 of us.

drpet49 · 19/06/2023 18:25

namechange1986 · 19/06/2023 17:38

You are abroad so can't go? I can't see the issue...

It's not their fault you've booked to go away.

Funny how the two weekends you are away are the ones they pick for the big get togethers…….

Sounds like they don’t want you to come.

JudgeRudy · 19/06/2023 18:30

I'd say if it bothers you that much just suggest another date, but be quick about it!
Coordinating 10 people in August will be a challenge.
Suggest an alternative though, don't just say you can't make it.

Original poster
tricooo · 19/06/2023 18:32

Everyone has now read my message and nobody has replied, this is awkward

OP posts:
user1471517900 · 19/06/2023 18:32

Did you say which weekends you were available for? Or just say you couldn't make that one.

Megifer · 19/06/2023 18:36

Sounds like you've not seen them for a year so its no massive loss surely?

Iloveacurry · 19/06/2023 18:37

Can you suggest some other dates? If they don’t respond, then you’ve got your answer. Or is there anyone in the group you’re closer to and can have a word?

AllBlackEverything · 19/06/2023 18:41

tricooo · 19/06/2023 18:32

Everyone has now read my message and nobody has replied, this is awkward

I'd be annoyed if I read your message in a group chat tbh. They clearly spent time hashing out dates earlier today, and now you pipe up and say its not convenient?

I understand that you couldn't reply as at work, but can't you understand that they have all collectively worked out what suits the majority, and you are effectively taking everybody back to the drawing board?

I'm not sure what you want them to say. Do you expect one or more of them to volunteer to miss out, in order to accommodate you and your preferred dates?

burnoutbabe · 19/06/2023 18:50

No but I would expect a brief discussion here are top 3 weekends. All complete a doddle poll and highest wins

It may be same outcome but feels fairer.

catsnhats11 · 19/06/2023 18:56

I agree it's unfair to decide on a definite date without everyone's I put first. Assuming you didn't take days) weeks to reply, which it sounds like you didn't.

Presumably nothing is booked yet, reply and say oh no it's my birthday weekend I'm so sorry I'll miss it again, is the date decided yet?

crew2022 · 19/06/2023 19:01

I'd reply saying 'hey, I'm really keen to come but am away again same as last year as this is when we have our family holiday. Can we find another date that suits us all?

Confusion101 · 19/06/2023 19:05

You need to suggest alternative dates! Just writing in "I'm busy" is a bit rude and really unhelpful. Are you waiting for someone else to do that hard work of looking back through the dates and figuring out another weekend that might suit?

GCalltheway · 19/06/2023 19:05

You were very late to the chat and it sounds r the rest could make it.

I imagine the silence is a discussion behind the scenes

EarthlyNightshade · 19/06/2023 19:07

I don't always remember the dates of my friends' birthday. I know roughly, mid June or whatever, but it wouldn't occur to me to say "oh we can't go that weekend, it's Jane's birthday" when you could always say that yourself.
Your birthday won't always be a weekend so maybe next year you will be able to go.

Whenwillitallmakesense · 19/06/2023 19:07

Of all the nights out and weekends away the 10 of you have arranged stuff, has there never been a time when at least one other person couldn't make it because of other commitments but the rest of you have gone ahead with planned date anyway? Or are you saying this is only the second time it's ever happened and both times it's only been you who can't attend?

TooJoy · 19/06/2023 19:15

I would be annoyed that they’d discussed it and agreed it in the middle of the day without waiting for me.

But if this is the same dates as last year then obviously this is a date that works for all of them.
The fact it’s your birthday is completely irrelevant.

Can you rearrange the holiday that you’ve already booked?

Can you do any other date except this one?

Oblomov23 · 19/06/2023 19:24

Hang on a sec, how long did the dates discussion go on for? Surely overnight - not all 9 replied within the hour and you never saw it till the evening?

Original poster
tricooo · 19/06/2023 19:24

Yeah, I’ve put that I can do any date except this one and nobody’s replied

OP posts:
Original poster
tricooo · 19/06/2023 19:25

Few hours this afternoon. Only me and one other lady didn’t reply, she has just come back saying she will check for that date.

OP posts:
Oblomov23 · 19/06/2023 19:26

If no one, not a single person thought to write: hold on what about x, she hasn't responded yet, she couldn't come last year, isn't it her birthday.

Then they aren't true friends, are they?

Clymene · 19/06/2023 19:26

Clymene · 19/06/2023 17:58

When you meet up the rest of the year, are there occasions other people can't make it? I'd imagine there must be if there are so many of you.

@tricooo - I'm not sure if you missed my question?

GoodChat · 19/06/2023 19:32

This is clearly a convenient weekend for everyone for whatever reason.

If they'd batted around dates and you weren't involved in the conversation because you were busy that's not anybody's fault.

You can't just stride in after everyone else has finally agreed a date and said no can do. To message afterwards just looks like you're being awkward and antagonistic.

Do you ever suggest meet ups?

GCalltheway · 19/06/2023 19:34

I can see why you are hurt, I am surprised they didn’t say let’s wait for Tricoo to confirm before we go ahead with anything.

I do find in big groups some people do get lost, it’s not usually personal. Do you organise things too?

GCalltheway · 19/06/2023 19:39

I think I’d give them the chance to reply op

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