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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Friends making plans on my birthday weekend

141 replies

tricooo · 19/06/2023 17:34

I am friends with a group of about 10 ladies who go out a few times a year for a night out or a weekend away. Last year one of them planned a weekend away for everyone on my birthday weekend in august, she knew it was my birthday and I'd be on holiday but the consensus was it was the only weekend all summer that everyone else was free. Friend even said to me 'there will be other times' so I let it go.

Today I left work and before I'd even read the messages in our group chat they have all planned another night out this year on the same weekend (my birthday weekend) and I will be abroad again. Everyone knows about this. But, It looks like they're all set on this weekend already. I don't want to turn around now hours after the chat has died down and say I'm busy!

I feel a little hurt this has happened again and like maybe they don't actually want me on these outings :( nobody has waited for my input and now I feel awkward about it.

AIBU?

OP posts:
SkaneTos · 19/06/2023 21:12

Curseofthenation · 19/06/2023 21:11

Why don't you suggest the next meet-up? That way you'll have more control over when it is discussed and your availability is going to be a higher priority.

I can't imagine a group of ten often expects every person to make every event. It sounds like and headache and I expect the organisers were keen to get a date confirmed after all of the back and forth re availability with the other seven people that did come back.

The person that kickstarts the planning always gets to steer the event and date options, it's the benefit they get in return for managing to find a date that works for the majority.

I agree with this! Good advice.

Waterlooville · 19/06/2023 21:32

The trouble you have now is that there must be other people that can't make the other dates or they wouldn't have settled on this one? Noone is going to say ok we'll move it to the next week and leave out Rachel and Sara. Or are you hoping someone else will volunteer to miss out? That's not going to happen. You need to sit with a list of dates and names and work out if there are any dates they haven't considered or any other dates that didn't exclude anyone. Otherwise it's not going to move. You need to be proactive and be the organiser next time. As an organiser myself I definitely would be glad. Sometimes I wonder if my gang like me that much as they rarely initiate dates and if I'm honest, I probably enjoy our get togethers the most.

MrsMikeDrop · 19/06/2023 21:50

Curseofthenation · 19/06/2023 21:11

Why don't you suggest the next meet-up? That way you'll have more control over when it is discussed and your availability is going to be a higher priority.

I can't imagine a group of ten often expects every person to make every event. It sounds like and headache and I expect the organisers were keen to get a date confirmed after all of the back and forth re availability with the other seven people that did come back.

The person that kickstarts the planning always gets to steer the event and date options, it's the benefit they get in return for managing to find a date that works for the majority.

I was going to suggest this too. I'm often the organiser and it's a nightmare. If you want to do something and want to be there, then you can always organise yourself. The worst thing is when a date has been decided then someone comes in late to say they can't make it (that's probably why there was radio silence with you saying you can't make it, though I do appreciate doing it while people are at work isn't going to be the most convenient time).

BlockbusterVideoCard · 19/06/2023 22:14

most of them know I’m busy that weekend and haven’t said ‘what about X’

They're just not that bothered about you clearly. Flowers and start finding yourself better friends.

Confusion101 · 19/06/2023 22:22

tricooo · 19/06/2023 21:08

I put I can do any other of the dates that were being thrown around and nobody replied. And yes I started a thread because I’m insecure I guess. It’s not like I waited long to reply, an hour or so isn’t unreasonable

Show quote history

But clearly there was a reason the other dates being thrown around weren't chosen? Or didn't suit people who had replied earlier on the day?

Nicecow · 19/06/2023 22:23

Unfortunately I think the ship has sailed, but I wouldn't take it personally. Organise something in a couple of months time, maybe a dinner out. If that also turns to custard then probably find nee friends (although don't give up yet as I honestly don't think it's intentional)

BlockbusterVideoCard · 19/06/2023 22:45

I'm often the organiser and it's a nightmare.
As an organiser, do you also organise and complete the arrangements within such a short timeframe in work hours, thus meaning that some people wouldn't be able to answer until it is too late? Do you not seek to specifically include the person or people who couldn't make it previously, if at all possible, so they still feel part of the group? If so, then YOU are unreasonable too. If not, not really relevant.

BlockbusterVideoCard · 19/06/2023 23:30

The worst thing is when a date has been decided then someone comes in late to say they can't make it

She wasn't late though, she replied about an hour later. After work. Work. That thing people have to do that's more important than being instantaneously available to arrange social things, because it pays the bills. It's sometimes not the organising that is really the nightmare but the organisers when they are often not being very fair, being quite controlling, and almost always a martyr to it. This is why I avoid these larger "girls' groups" like the plague.

Did she even know that today was the day where the organising was going to happen, so she could've said in advance "I won't be able to contribute to the discussion until 5pm" or whatever it was?

[And yes, I do organise things myself, doing a family-and-friends day out for 10+ people including kids to senior, including several with access needs, and not once have I used the phrase "it's a nightmare". Because it isn't. And I give people more than 5 minutes to answer!!]

OP YANBU.

Whenwillitallmakesense · 19/06/2023 23:39

I'm not sure I believe 10+ girls all got involved in a chat and decided on a date for a night out or weekend away all within one hour during working hours, tbh. Is OP the only one who works?

CrazyArmadilloLady · 19/06/2023 23:44

In the nicest possible way OP, this isn’t about you.

And if they’re now ‘ignoring’ you, it’s because they had landed on date which seemed to work for most and had agreed on it. Now you’re throwing a spanner in the works - and not coming up with any solutions, either.

I’m part of a group like this, and yes, every so often I can’t make the date for a get-together. That’s life. Especially when it’s a big group.

Honestly? If I saw your message hours after a date/time had been agreed, and all it said was ‘I can’t make that date’, I wouldn’t reply to it either.

What are you expecting people to say?

You’re very much making this all about you, and taking it way too personally.

You should have just replied with, ‘sorry, I can’t make that date as I’m away, but looking forward to the next one, have fun!’ Because - yes - there will be another get-together, you’ve just been unlucky with dates so far.

If it’s now ‘awkward’, that’s only because you’ve made it awkward.

NoSquirrels · 19/06/2023 23:46

I put I can do any other of the dates that were being thrown around and nobody replied.

That’s not a dig at you, although I appreciate it feels like it. It’s just that having started the discussion, everyone having their say by reply about dates they can’t do, they’ve found one that works and now you’re Johnny Come Lately saying you can do any other date but this one.

In order to reply to you, someone (the organiser?) will have to then say ‘Well, Jane said she couldn’t do this date, and Sue said she couldn’t do that date, but Sue or Jane probably won’t mind so let’s change the date…’

No one will feel comfortable doing that.

Your proper gripe (if there is one) is along the lines of the Freecycle ‘don’t arrange anything without giving everyone a chance to see the ad’. But it’s unrealistic to be able to do that in a WhatsApp group of 10+
people.

Honestly, I doubt it’s personal, OP.

CrazyArmadilloLady · 20/06/2023 00:00

Honestly, I doubt it’s personal, OP.

I strongly agree - I mean, you can continue to feel aggrieved by this OP, but where is that going to get you?

I think those of us saying ‘this isn’t personal’ are just trying to help you step back and get a bit of perspective.

At this point, you’re just creating a situation, and doing nothing more or less than seeming annoying to everyone. Probably not the greatest tactic, if you’re looking to be included more, and not less………

MrsMikeDrop · 20/06/2023 00:02

BlockbusterVideoCard · 19/06/2023 22:45

I'm often the organiser and it's a nightmare.
As an organiser, do you also organise and complete the arrangements within such a short timeframe in work hours, thus meaning that some people wouldn't be able to answer until it is too late? Do you not seek to specifically include the person or people who couldn't make it previously, if at all possible, so they still feel part of the group? If so, then YOU are unreasonable too. If not, not really relevant.

Reading comprehension not so great? Read my post again 😒

burnoutbabe · 20/06/2023 07:57

But the op could suggest a quick doodle poll of all dates and majority wins.

She could even create it?

Effectively the "friends" are saying they can't be arsed to find another date to include her, as THEY are fine. At least show a token effort to be fair and check other dates.

WandaWonder · 20/06/2023 08:02

I just go with what I can with things, if I can't make it I just do something again with people another time, this all sounds too high maintenance to me

xogossipgirlxo · 20/06/2023 08:07

This is the problem of group chats where there’s so many of you that arrangements are being made without asking 100% of participants. Nothing can you do now. They already made plans. Enjoy your birthday celebrations anyway. I don’t think it was personal though, bit inconsiderate yes, but nothing else.

Frankola · 20/06/2023 11:35

People are free to go out whenever they like.

You've said you are abroad and can't go. What's the issue? Is nobody else allowed to do anything because its your birthday?

Also, when did birthdays become whole weekends?

CrazyArmadilloLady · 20/06/2023 15:06

Also, when did birthdays become whole weekends?

They haven’t. The OP is going away for the weekend, for her birthday. What’s wrong with that?

Ahwelltoobad · 20/06/2023 15:14

Ugh, @tricooo, I'd be a little bit sad/disappointed, too. (Also, I understood what you meant by your first post).

GoodChat · 20/06/2023 19:32

burnoutbabe · 20/06/2023 07:57

But the op could suggest a quick doodle poll of all dates and majority wins.

She could even create it?

Effectively the "friends" are saying they can't be arsed to find another date to include her, as THEY are fine. At least show a token effort to be fair and check other dates.

They did discuss loads of dates and this one suited the majority, though

BillyNoM8s · 20/06/2023 19:38

If there's usually a weekend away and you knew you were going away, why didn't you preempt this when you booked your holiday and say, before the annual weekend convo starts, can we please avoid ### as I'm away?

Frankola · 21/06/2023 09:38

@CrazyArmadilloLady that isn't how it comes across from OP. They keep saying "my birthday weekend"

Lcb123 · 21/06/2023 09:40

YABU. Getting 10 people together sounds like a nightmare.

NotEverORNever · 21/06/2023 09:52

It's rough but getting a date that suits 10 people at relatively short notice would be almost impossible for most people. If I were you I would have tried suggesting dates earlier in the year. It wasn't surprising that the others have all gone for the same weekend this year. Next year if you want to go with them keep that weekend free and suggest dates earlier in the year.

I can't believe the stroppy messages some posters have suggested you send. I'd only send them if you never want to see these friends again.

CrazyArmadilloLady · 21/06/2023 11:13

Frankola · 21/06/2023 09:38

@CrazyArmadilloLady that isn't how it comes across from OP. They keep saying "my birthday weekend"

Yes, so what?

Your question was - when did birthdays become whole weekends?

And I said, they haven’t.

The OP is going away for the weekend, for her birthday. That doesn’t mean that birthdays have become whole weekends for the entire world.

It is actually OK to go away for the weekend for your birthday, you know.

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