Who is in the wrong here? Stepchildren

[feghs111]

My partner has two children aged 18 and 16 from his previous marriage and they live with us 50/50 (week on/week off).

This week is our week, however two weeks ago my OH found out he had to go abroad for work this week. He thought he would turn it into a nice trip with the kids though (he would have to work a bit in the days but they could chill by the pool etc and they could all spend time together in between) and asked them along. SS16 said yes as he has just finished his GCSEs but SS18 said no as he works full-time (left school at 16) and recently went on holiday with his friends and therefore didn't want to take anymore time off. Fair enough, but I asked OH if his mum could look after him for the week rather than stay with me here as I'm super busy at work, don't really have time to be cooking meals in the evening etc (I can just do quick things for me but I would feel under pressure to make food for him when he is home from work etc). Selfishly I was also looking forward to the peace of the place to myself for a week as I never get that.

Unfortunately OH and his ex aren't on the best terms so OH asked SS18 two weeks ago to talk to his mum and see if it was OK he stayed with her the extra week. He said he had spoken to her and she said yes. We confirmed with him again on Thursday last week and he said it was all sorted.

Yesterday was change over day and it transpires SS hadn't asked her at all and just dropped it on her that he wasn't coming back to dad's for the week and was staying with her. She then sends OH a mean voice message saying how he's a terrible parent, always shirking his responsibilities (not true at all, he is a great dad), has no respect for her time etc etc. I do understand why she is put out as she obviously didn't know that the older son was staying with her longer, but we really did think it was all cleared with her as we checked twice.

Also she knew OH had asked SS18 to come with him but he had said no, so she would have known he wasn't in the country this week.

I just feel sorry for my OH as she says really harsh things to him but I think she is overreacting here. OH will send SS18 money for whatever he needs this week.

I have now offered to have SS here but I think that will just cause even more drama!

Do you think we are in the wrong here? Maybe OH should have confirmed with her too but SS is 18 not 8 after all so we should be able to trust him when he says he had cleared it with his mum.

If they are going back and forth with no general plan then how do you know how much food to get in, for example?

Well stocked freezer.

I grew up as a stepchild by the way, I had separated parents and a stepfather (who I love very much). If my mum went on holiday for a week though I'd have expected to stay with my dad which would not have scarred me for life. Likewise if my stepdad had said 'not tonight Butt because I have some friends coming over / I've had a hard day / I just need some alone time' whatever.. it's fine. He's allowed. It's his home too.

My dd is 18 she is at Uni but home for the summer and working. She lets us know a week-ish in advance. She does see her dad but not that often. But she may stay at my dads as he lives very close to her friends and he likes the company.

She will start dinner if she is in first. It’s rare that she lets us know last minute and want a meal. If she decided she was coming last minute, we would either bull the meal out or she would probably just grab a sandwich/something from the freezer.

She gets herself to and from wherever she is going and she is fully aware we all have our own lives and plans. If she needs a life or something she lets us know in advance.

Sounds like the ex may have the same thoughts as you - looking forward to a week on her own, small shop and eating what/when she wants? Or she's just being petty because she knew SS wasn't going on holiday with dad and younger brother so surely thought about where he would be staying.
SS either felt unwanted in both 'homes' so put off telling his mum he would be at hers, or he's genuinely disorganised and forgot

@feghs111 for purely those logistical reasons, keeping to the EOW arrangement is probably easiest. But an 18 year old will likely come and go as they please a bit, and this is not always easy to navigate in any family! It's sensible to have rules like, "don't take ingredients for meals (snacks are OK) without asking", so they're not randomly eating ingredients you have got in for dinner. And "if you're not going to be home for dinner, tell us by 4pm" etc, so you're not cooking unnecessarily. If your DH is away, so not cooking for his DS, it would be fair for your DH to provide the cash for SS to get some shopping in, if DH usually provides pays for all their food. I really don't see why they can't go food shopping for their meals whilst their dad's away, they're 18.

He is 18 not a child. He needs to decide where he wants to live full time and if he is working full time he doesn't need his Dad to send money for the things he needs.

It's the 18 year olds home too. He doesn't need looking after so should go to whichever of His homes he wants to even if dad is not there.

your oh deserved a few ‘mean’ comments. Whatever other people think the arrangement should be the arrangement is every other week so your oh has a responsibility to have him. 2 weeks notice of a
change was crap, although he’s not actually managed to give any notice at all. It’s his responsibility to sort out his son, either by asking the mum or by asking you. Perhaps mum has a partner over the kids don’t know of, or is going away and doesn’t want a partying 18 year old left in her house. The crux of the matter is it’s your partners responsibility to sort it out

Sounds like the ex may have the same thoughts as you - looking forward to a week on her own, small shop and eating what/when she wants? Or she's just being petty because she knew SS wasn't going on holiday with dad and younger brother so surely thought about where he would be staying.
SS either felt unwanted in both 'homes' so put off telling his mum he would be at hers, or he's genuinely disorganised and forgot

@Someoneonlyyouknow no, ex wife's husband is working away so has her house to herself every other week when children at OP's. OP never has the house to herself as her DH always there, and DSS every other week. So with DH going away with DSS, this is the perfect opportunity for some alone time for her. Except ex is scuppering this.And DSS should have actually done as he said he did and sorted it - he is 18 and working, time to take responsibility.

Why?

They asked him since he is 18 if he would ask his mum and he said he had and she had no problem with it. They asked him a second time to confirm and he said yes. It is not on them that they trusted a legal adult at their word and he lied to them twice and told his mum instead of asking her like he said he had.

I’m curious on why his mum is making a fuss over it and not her adult child just dropping this on her and lying to his father and stepmother who he confirmed this with.

If he’s capable of having a job and has the thought process to turn down his father because he knew he already went on holiday and didn’t want to take time off, he should also be capable to follow through on what he was asked which makes me wonder if there is a reason he didn’t ask his mum, possibly even knew she would react like this regardless if he was ok with it or not.

The son is not staying "in relative's house". The adult son is staying in his home.

"No one is chucking anyone of their own home"

Yes they are, that is the whole point. This is where he actually lives, not visits, lives.

DS 20. 95% lives at home. Stays at his girlfriends sometimes. Always happy to bring his own food home and cook. If he is at home when the rest of the family is eating then he joins in. If not we still cook for whole family then we box up what's left and one of us takes it to work to reheat for lunch.

Works brilliantly. Son is a young man and does not put up with being told where and when he should eat. We love eating as a family but appreciate he is living his life. From time to time i have walked into a full steak dinner treat he has cooked as a surprise to say thank you :-)

@Flopsythebunny
And the OP gets no say, has to provide the food and by the sounds of it clear up after him

Stepmothers shouldn't be held to a higher standard than the mother simple as that

Exactly - poor stepmothers. cant do right for doing wrong, and not allowed any say in any of the arrangements even when it affects them.

This is an adult, not a child - OP should say you can come as usual since you turned down the holiday offer but I'm too busy to cook, got my own plans for the week, you'll need to sort yourself out. Don't make a mess, clean up after yourself, and BTW, we need to have a discussion around your contributing to costs now you're working.

He's 18! How can child arrangements be a thing at his age? Does he even want to shuffle between two homes?

This.

Sounds like he's scared of his Mum if he lied about asking her if he could stay. Which is very sad.

Sounds like the ex may have the same thoughts as you - looking forward to a week on her own, small shop and eating what/when she wants?

Probably but I just think it's a no brainer that a mum and son would be more likely to want to spend the week alone together than a stepmum and stepson. That seems like it's a no brainer to me and shouldn't need to make him feel unwelcome, it's just common sense. But I suppose it depends on the relationship and if he spends any time in the communal areas, which I would have done at that age.

Sounds like he just couldn't be arsed, said he'd done it so that people stopped nagging him and then left it to the last minute. Inventing a narrative where he's scared of his mother is a total reach.

Although he is 18 and no longer a child, he has only just turned 18 and is used to one week here/one week there.

If I were you I would have just told him that I wouldn't be cooking that week, and that you would be going out with friends or wanted a quiet night in etc etc . He is old enough to fend for himself at that age.

What happens when most kids turn 18? Do they just get shown the door and told they can visit by arrangement? Not in my experience. There's usually a period of time where they still live at home because they're finding their feet, getting established at work or going to uni, then at some point they will officially move out and start renting or whatever.

This lad has 2 homes because his parents are divorced. Should he be kicked out of both as he's now turned 18? Or is his mum now solely responsible for housing him while he is only expected to be able to "visit" his dad by prior arrangement?

Of course he shouldn't be living at either of his parents homes forever, but until he's an established adult and has moved out independently, he still lives at both his parents homes. Nobody would bat an eyelid at this if he was an 18yr old who's parents were still together.

He is 18? I don’t understand why anyone needs to look after him? He can look after himself and cook his one meals surely?

If he needs to eat ready meals, that's ok. He can defrost meat if he wants it. Does he know how to cook at all? Scrambled eggs? Pancakes from a mix? Rice and beans? This week seems like good practice for independence. You're there in case there's an emergency but he can look after himself for the week. He can even go to the shop and get raw meat if he wants to cook it!

It's a very hard thing to navigate between two parents who cannot get along with one another. He didn't ask her for a reason.

You cannot really control or predict the behavior of someone that is unreasonable. You are neither right nor wrong, but it doesn't even matter anyway.

But here you all are...You have to just learn to expect difficulties whenever she is involved.

It's interesting that he's in a position of being old enough to be expected to carry messages between parents but not mature enough to fend for himself.

I think it's time to gradually change the dynamic around meals in your house. I would tell him he can come and go as he chooses, but that he is now of an age that he should be pitching in for meals and also fending for himself. If he's not taking care of his own laundry and other household chores, it's time for that to start also.

He doesn't need looking after no, but in general myself and OH both cook for the kids when they are here and it's just come to be expected. He could obviosuly cook himself a ready meal or whatver but I can't see him cooking a full meal when he gets home.

An 18 year old won’t/can’t cook a full meal for themselves?? That’s pathetic.

Why are you allowing this to happen?

Tell the grown adult to cook his own meals Jesus wept.