To stop contact if he can’t keep to the time?

[BedtimesBackThen]

My ex has our kids every other weekend but he keeps dropping them back late. It’s supposed to be 6pm but he’s usually at least twenty minutes late. It’s a long drive so I have to give them their tea and get them ready for school on Monday.

AIBU to say he can’t have them if he can’t keep to 6pm?

I get you, I do. It's a monumental pain in the arse. I also have a Disney dad who breaks promises to the kids, barely pays maintenance and pleases himself when drop off is BUT they see him EOW and he is their father. I decided long ago that the time they get dropped off is not the hill I want to die on. There are bigger hills. And mine also have a step father who raises them and has been in their lives for many years. Sometimes you have to compromise, you see them (and do the drudge work) 12 days out of 14. I know they are tired, but those two weekends a month, I would gently and respectfully advise you to change the routine. Nothing mental on the night they come home, picnic tea, or soup and a sandwich, bath and bed. Early night in the Monday. I get that kids need stability, and they need routine, but now their routine is that every other weekend they go to their dads and the have a bit later bed time. YABU to curtail the skant amount of time he has with them.

Thing is; what are EOW parents supposed to do?

The definition of a Disney Dad is someone who does fun things, spends money but doesn't do the day to day drudgery.

But if the arrangement is EOW they literally can't do the day to day stuff. Because they don't live with the resident parent. They don't live with the resident parent because they're not in a relationship anymore. That's how break-ups work.

So they can't do the day to day parenting because they don't live with the DC day to day. And on their days/weekends they do nice things and spend money so they're 'Disney Dads' but if the kids went to them EOW and they just sat around the house, they'd be accused of not making the effort?

My Dad would have been considered a Disney Dad because we lived so far away we only saw him a few times a year. So the time we were there, he spent a lot of money and we had lots of treats and days out because when you have limited time, you want to make it special.

It didn't mean he only wanted the exciting or 'quality' time parenting, just that he literally could not be there every day to do the boring bits and he wanted to make the most of the time we did have.

As I got older, he still had his share of the less fun aspects of parenting when i was rebelling or making life decisions he gave his input to.

The Dad's in these situations are automatically seen as being shitty in some way because of circumstances they have no control over.

And the Step-Dads are only 'raising the DC' because they live with the Mum so by default they're there every day, not that they're providing stellar parenting. DC are murdered every year by the Step-Dad that was 'raising them'. Yes that's rare but in virtually every case you have a Mum saying she thought the Step-Dad had stepped up to raise her kids and was 'there for them' 🙄

So it’s once a month. Due to school holidays it won’t even be every month. August won’t be an issue. So we are down to 11 times a year. I’m sure that you can arrange the December date that he drives them back on Sunday to be in the Christmas holidays so that won’t disrupt their routine. Likewise for February - have hm to the driving for the weekend that coincides with half-term, May and October likewise. March or April can be coincided with the Easter holidays. With a bit of planning, it’ll be at most 7 times a year.

Did he move away or you? if hes not paying enough go through cms

you cant do much about him being late the more you bring it up the more he'll probalby do it

my friends ex was late every single week not much she could do

You're coming across as controlling, making a mountain out of a molehill. Talk to him. Maybe suggest a one hour window for return, 5.30 pm to 6.30 pm, see how he does with that. It sounds as if you clock watch and take some bizarre pleasure in him being late. Really, does it matter that much?

@OrcasFree
I totally understand and I'm sorry if I offended you, all I wanted to convey is that I have some of the same issues with my ex as the OP does with hers, and that I still didn't agree with the stand she wants to take. My ex wouldn't be a Disney dad if he had an input with schooling or parents nights, discipline and emotional problems, boyfriends girlfriends and platonic friend issues. But he doesn't. He has them and he spends money on them and they have a great time, which is why because he is their father, I compromise on all these things and because he does only see them EOW.
As for my DP, im not sure what he did to warrant being thrown under the umbrella with step parents who kill their step children.

Ultimately, I think the OP is being incredibly unfair on her ex and I'm sorry my post seem to hit a nerve with you 🤷‍♀️

You are being unreasonable..yes it's very annoying when people can't keep to a time, maybe they are having so much fun by the time it takes them to get in the car etc it's just one of them things. He has every right to say no at 5pm. Just think of it as 6.30 and when it's 20 mins 'late' he's actually 10 minutes early lol. Don't punish your kids for his crap time keeping.

I think it’s you that should be moving the goalposts. Tell him to feed them before they come home, then all you need to do is bath and bed. Tell him you want them home for 6 but in your head expect them to be home for 7. That way if he’s 20 minutes late then you’re ahead of your schedule

Why do you have to have dinner together on this Sunday - you really do not have any insight into how unreasonable this is. I get that they are emotional and may need some food but for goodness sake sometimes life is unstructured and you have to go with it. I cannot see how you can be serious about 20/40 mins lateness when their Dad is making an effort and they are enjoying their time with him. You Have 12 nights out of the 14 to eat etc with them - they clearly live a distance away and traffic happens!

You could collect them then you have that two hour journey to settle them….

Is it court ordered? I too would say 6pm is late even for my 7 year old, I collect her at 4pm so we’re home for 5pm

Can you suggest he brings back at 7 but bathed and fed?
Have a quick picky tea ready for them and straight in and up to bed?
Drop the idea of tea together on these evenings. Time with their dad is more important I wouldn't be fussing over this more making changes to make everyone's life easier

This.
It reads to me as though it’s a inconvenience to you that he is their dad and that you would rather their dad is your new partner.
Sorry, but that’s not the case. He is their dad, you’re being precious over timings (6.40 is not that late!) and I think you’re trying to find excuses to end their contact with their dad because it interferes with the fantasy of your DP being their dad.

This just screams playing god with your kids

I had the same with my ex....he prob is trying to get at you...but over time I learnt to just let It go.
The Disney dad will eventually stop and then they will see it for what it is as they get older and dad will get bored of pissing u off if u pretend u don't care. Its a play the long game situation I'm afraid. But trust me as they get older they will see it for what it is. My older children would rather not go now and it is their own choice because I refused to put him down when he did me. Gets easier x

He is their other parent, he has as much right to have time with them as you and has as much right to decide on bedtimes etc as you.

it is just twenty minutes, be happy they have a relationship with their father. Stopping contact is just cruel

Put yourself in his shoes… imagine your only see your children every other weekend and then he stops contact between you and the children because your 20-40 minutes late! If you stop contact and he takes you to court, there would be a big chance the judge would give him custody and you access. As you wouldn’t be putting the children’s well-being first

Their step dad isn’t their dad, they were spending time with their dad on fathers day. Pick one of the other days you have with them to celebrate it with their step dad. You’re being very unreasonable and controlling.

if you want them earlier why aren’t you picking them up?

But you have them all of the other days, does it matter that you don’t get time with them on drop off day? Poor dad.

Maybe, just maybe, your children are emotional because they don’t see enough of their dad. EOW isn’t much really and you are trying very hard to put restrictions on that.
Don’t plan your ‘family’ activities for the weekend their dad has them - be like the Queen was - if you need to have an ‘official’ celebration and an unofficial one.

Don’t make your children feel awkward. Make them feel special because they have 2 sets of people looking out for them.

And please stop losing your shit for the sake of 20 minutes once a month. Life is too short!

So. Controlling... so strict. Back down and maybe stop trying to take the step out of step daddy?

He's their dad and it sounds like they're not jumping out the car and running away as fast as they can from him.. I don't blame them for being upset with leaving daddy when it's back to communist state of mum.

You're on a slippery slope to being made the one who loses contact... from your own children in the future...

You’re being utterly ridiculous and selfish. Take a day off.

”Sorry kids, you can’t see your dad because of a twenty minute delay”

I get it, the constant lateness is annoying and it might even feel like he’s trying to control you (I haven’t RTFT but I’ve seen exes of friends do similar). Those children are entitled to the opportunity to have a relationship with both of their parents, provided those are safe and loving relationships. You don’t get to stop that because it’s inconvenient that he’s late

I am a mum of late teens and early 20's whose dad was an awkward sod, and also I was very regimented with their routines as it suited ME

I NEVER stopped any access for the various difficulties he put in my way.
I NEVER badmouthed him and never let anyone else badmouth him in front of the kids
I NEVER moaned that I did all the grunt work, washing, homework etc. I saw that as a privilege
I NEVER questioned what he had said to them or if he had said anything negative about me - I'm sure he did
I tried to introduce a new partner into their lives a few years after dad and I split up but it wasn't ever going to work for various reasons.

I am not perfect by any means and I've had my moments - but my kids are well rounded people who have all thanked me independently for NOT influencing their ideas and ideals about their dad

I was bitter, yes, that they saw their dad EVERY weekend and that we never had the opportunity to have movie night on a fri/sat night, or snuggles in bed on a sat/sun morning

We had mediation. We were encouraged to have a communication book. I wrote in all my important dates, family birthdays, grandparents, cousins etc. He had to do the same. If it was my weekend and it was his mums birthday, we swapped(where we possibly could). It was best for the kids.

Imagine what it's like for your poor kids if he's late and he's saying ' oh god, she's gonna go mad, we're late again' They will dread going cos they wont know how to deal with the fallout. You wont be doing any favours to your children if you let them take that attitude into their adult lives.

It really pissed me off that he was the Disney dad and I was behind the scenes doing all the continuity work.
But they now have a decent relationship with him. they don't see him that often, but when they do they enjoy it I think

Your ex (not your childrens EX - he's their dad for ever remember!) sees his kids from Friday night to Sunday night every other week- 48 hours out of a maximum of 336!

Cut him a bit of slack. Meet him halfway with this and be thankful that he wants to be in their lives. He sees another man taking his place as father and doesn't want to be forgotten

Bottom line, @BedtimesBackThen - you can’t stop contact over such a minor issue, but what you can do is mitigate the effects on the children.

As your ex to give them a main meal at lunch time, and a sandwich before he sets off with them, then you give them a top-up snack at home, pop them in the bath, and get them to bed. 7.30 bedtime on a school night once a fortnight won’t do them any harm.

I do wonder if they have picked up on you being cross that their dad brings them back late, and that might be contributing to them being stressed out when they get home. You need to make sure their return home is calm and peaceful, and that they see no inkling of you being cross with their dad.