To stop contact if he can’t keep to the time?

[BedtimesBackThen]

My ex has our kids every other weekend but he keeps dropping them back late. It’s supposed to be 6pm but he’s usually at least twenty minutes late. It’s a long drive so I have to give them their tea and get them ready for school on Monday.

AIBU to say he can’t have them if he can’t keep to 6pm?

I’m really trying to be understand OP but you’re making it hard. You come across as a control freak. When I think of the hoops I had to jump through, the mind games played against me and the children used as pawns with regards to my ex-husband and contact, and the multitude of other separated parents who are dealing with similar bollocks from their ex-partners - your complaint is pretty insignificant.

Is your ex being late 20-40 minutes once a month (you do one pick up) really, really the issue? Or is there another agenda? I completely fail to see how being back home even less than an hour before the time you’d prefer the children to be home can cause so much apparent upset, and tiredness the next day.

Yeah the children are going to be emotional, they’re only human and only young so of course the end of the limited time they spend with the dad will affect them. If they go to bed at 7pm every school night, what time do they wake? Could an extra half hour in bed on that one Monday morning be the solution as opposed to you wanting to cut their dad’s contact 🤷‍♀️

Its fantastic that you have met a partner who contributes what he does to your ready-made family, but you get 24/28 days and nights as that family. Your ex gets four. Ideally he’d take them to school on a Monday but the distance is obviously prohibitive of that. You say he won’t have them four weekends per month but your words suggest that decision is your not his. If you’re indignant about your quality time with your children being eaten into by his timekeeping, would you really be so willing to give him extra weekends 🤔

I get DD back as late as 8pm sometimes and I am thankful that her dad wants to spend as much time as he can with her. I never know if she’s eating with me or him until Sunday morning when they decide what they’re doing, I just roll with it unless there’s something specific I need her back for and we discuss it and agree that together.

He is always late for everything, always has been. I don’t let it bother me, I ask them to call me when they set off as it’s a 90 minute drive and I have dinner ready for when she’s home. If she’s not home, I cover everything with foil and warm it up if I need to. I do not let it ruin my night. I don’t let it ruin the positive co- parenting relationship I have with my ex and I definitely wouldn’t be ruining my child’s relationship with her father. YABU

Its 20minutes twice a month you can't cut off contact for him being 20minutes late. If he were to take you to court your argument wouldn't even be a valid one. He has his kids 2 weekends a month you have a lot more time with them than he does. Don't spite your kids just to prove a point to their dad. At least he bothers with his kids theres dads out there that don't even give up an hour let alone 2 weekends

Even if he feeds them before he sets off, they’re still going to need something to eat before bed because the journey takes up to two hours
Then you go get them 🤷‍♀️
But, no, I guess that wouldn't work for you because it's not really about what is best for the children. We can all see that OP, even those of us who had similar situations ourselves.
Being mad that your children weren't home for a 'special Fathers Day dinner' when they were actually WITH their father is ridiculous. Especially when you KNOW he's 'usually' late. Sounds like just another stick to beat him with but do you really think your children should be the weapon?

But their step dad isn't their dad so there was no. See for them to be at the dinner. They were with their dad who only gets to see them 2 days out of 14.
Stop being so selfish!

I had a friend who used to trot out "it's not in their best interests" all the time. Used it as a stick to beat his ex wife with.

Give him a break.

It's either a reverse or the bloke has had a lucky escape.

You’re clearly wanting to stop the kids relationship with their dad to insert step dad and not have the hassle. I suggest you seek some support as you are still very bitter.

You call the kids Dad a Disney dad but what choice does he have when living 2hrs away? Of course he’s gonna buy them nice things and take them places. Plus if he does their homework/reading with them, that’s not really a Disney Dad. He’s taking the responsibility that he needs to.

Leaving clothes and toys at his is normal and sensible.

He only gets them 4 days a month, maybe he does bring them back slightly late but it’s at most 12 times a year. So what? You say it’s to get at you, maybe it is, maybe he just doesn’t want to say goodbye to his kids. Either way, don’t let it get to you. You can’t change other people’s actions just your reactions.

You seem to be deliberately planning stuff on those nights that make it all stressful. You can choose not to do that. Quick tea, quick bath, bed. You have the other 20 odd nights a month to see and enjoy your kids. Let go.

Why on earth would you plan a big thing for their step dad, on a night you know their dad has them? You set that one up to fail. What support did you give the kids to celebrate Father’s Day with their father? Did you help them make a card or help them buy a small gift for him or did all the effort go into the step dad? It’s the kids Dads day, I’d have expected the lateness.

I suspect you won’t listen to anything on this thread because you seem to be out to break their relationship. Let them be, unless he is actively harming them which doesn’t seem to be the case at all. If he is a dead beat dad they will come to that conclusion themselves eventually.

Honestly OP you need to take a step back and think about your own behaviour.

Cutting contact with a parent is an absolute last result, not a punishment you can use when the father isn't doing what he is told. You both have equal parental rights and responsibilities.

There are plenty of things you can do to work around this and find a way for the whole thing to work for both of you, but it will take hard work and patience and from your responses you don't seem to be interested in putting in the work.

Not everything will go your way as a co-parent, you need to learn to pick you battles and understand that every day you take a child away from their father is hurting that child.

If I were you, (as a co-parent of 11 years) I would try very hard to find a way for dad to see them more often. Then you might find he is more happy to stick to the times you so rigidly try to enforce.

Good luck!

Not read the whole thread but if that’s the only issue, yes, you’re being massively unreasonable. Your children are not something with which you can control your ex. They deserve a relationship with him. You don’t mess with that relationship unless you are sure there is a issue or neglect taking place.

You clearly don't like their dad and so want to remove him from their lives so your new man and you can play happy families. You seem very angry and bitter but why???

Under what legal system would a parent speak as if they have the power to stop the other parent seeing they kids. The OP speaks as if she has the power to do that. Surely that’s for a court.

Their dad gets to see the kids for what - 4 days a month & his ex wants to stop that because he’s sometimes late citing that she doesn’t get to spend time with them when she has the other 26 days???!!

Yep

God this is one of the most pathetic "contact" threads I've read. Yes you are being incredibly unreasonable and contradictory. You're worried about settling them down but you've planned a special meal for them and your boyfriend after their return from their dads when they're usually emotional 🙄

You're being incredibly unreasonable and selfish.

YABU.

I hate persistent lateness. So I understand how frustrating it is. Honestly I do.

however, it isn’t a reason to cut contact with their father. It’s not in their best interests at all and you know this but don’t seem to care.

You know he’s going to be late so just factor that into the routine. It’s twice a month. Not every night.

I suspect this is more to do with you wishing your ex would get out of the picture so you can play happy families with your new man.

You’re trying your hardest on here to justify why this is about the kids and not you but you’re failing to. It’s normal for the toys bought by the DF to remain at his house. Otherwise they won’t go back there and they’d just have to keep buying more.

adjust your routine, plan for them to be late back and grit your teeth. It’s what is best for your children.

You get 12 days out of 14 ffs stop being pathetic I'm getting the feeling your one of them exs that do anything to make the other parents life difficult just because you can seriously grow up

Tb f there are loads of threads where mothers seem to think they can just stop contact and a lot.of the time other posters agree with them!
Obviously The Op,is being massively unreasonable here's and it's good she's being called out for it.

I hate shit parents (esp absent fathers) but wow you are sounding on the same level .
I I I , me me me , we we we!!!

Your relationship and wants and needs don’t get to trump your kids . When we have kids we dont get to put ourselves first anymore .
I am Actulay angry reading this thread.

You can’t dictate your kids time with their dad around your new man . So…..

1.accept the Sunday the kids are with their dad is a wash out for any plans for you and your new man.

2.Also accept they have a dad already!
3.Stop being selfish and only thinking of you .

4.Tell their dad he had to give them dinner as a Sunday lunch .

5.Wash them down before bed (they have already showered)
milk and toast and a story then bed.
stop focusing on what your not getting and think about what the kids get out of seeing there dad fgs.

Me too and I still see this as her own selfish needs!

Ok I’ve a bit more sympathy now .

yous till
cant stop him . What you can do is stop facilitating him. Tell him you will not be at the sevice station anymore as your time is important so he can do every pick up and drop off . Also apply to cma for maintenance so he can’t be late or he can but less chance of it .
In these situations expect nothing and anything is a bonus . It makes life a lot easier

I will say though your kids don’t need another dad the best from a New relationship is they have a great friend who will be there for them .

Annoying but hardly a reason to cease contact. Work round it for the kids.

Can't you just ask him to pack them a picnic for their journey back home? Then the time they arrive is less of an issue and they can eat when they are hungry. Your daughters deserve a relationship with their dad, irrespective of the petty scuabbles happening between the adults.

I’d still like to know who moved 2 hours away (a question the OP has ignored multiple times). I have every sympathy with making Dad do all the driving if he is the one who moved but if it was the OP, I really don’t.

I couldn't believe that either... like how dare he wants to hug and say bye to his kids...

The settling down period probably goes rough for her because she seems to insist that he isn't important in their life and probably dismisses the fact they miss him most the month ..

If this is part of a bigger set of issues then it all needs addressing. Consistently being late with drop offs (or not being ready when you collect) is inconsiderate and rude - as if your time is of no importance. The impact on the children is also an issue, particularly when it involves bedtimes and when they are so young (mine are v similar age and similar bedtime). Look to bringing it forward to 5pm, with view to adjusting as they get older.
Is there any way ex and children can meet during the week?