Page 8 | To stop contact if he can’t keep to the time?

BedtimesBackThen · 2023-06-19T09:49:17+00:00

My ex has our kids every other weekend but he keeps dropping them back late. It’s supposed to be 6pm but he’s usually at least twenty minutes late. It’s a long drive so I have to give them their tea and get them ready for school on Monday. AIBU to say he can’t have them if he can’t keep to 6pm?

CocoPlum · 19/06/2023 13:06

OP, as a parent who has been separated since before my children went to school, I think your children would be tired, emotional, and difficult to get to school regardless of whether he drops them off at 7pm 6pm or 2pm.

My children would be clingy and demanding of me the day after I worked (2 non consecutive days a week). Even now, they are much older than yours and they are still quite needy/clingy/moody the day after they return if they're away from me more than a couple of nights. Even at this age I don't think they're aware they're doing it. So I don't think it's just the time that's making the monday morning difficult.

Shift your mindset to "they get back between 6 and 7" because it seems like this isn't the hill to die on - and I hate people who are late usually!

Off to read the full thread in case I've missed a drip feed...

Laurdo · 19/06/2023 13:19

BedtimesBackThen · 19/06/2023 12:47

I’ve already covered that he won’t drop off earlier and I already drop off early because it works with the traffic and he just accepts the extra time (it’s that or wait in a service station so is best for the kids).

Its not just traffic. He deliberately sets off late to get at me. He’s a total Disney dad and he and his girlfriend spend loads on the kids whilst they’re there but don’t let them bring toys and clothes home. This is just another way to get at me that ultimately negatively impacts the girls.

We don't let DSD take stuff we've bought to her mum's either or trust me, we'd end up just buying everything and it would all end up there. How is buying his kids clothes and toys done to get at you?

Not everything is about you. You need to stop giving him headspace because the chances are he's not giving you any and he's just trying to be a dad.

BatsHaveButtcheeks · 19/06/2023 13:23

Your daughters are not pawns in your game to spite your ex husband.
Grow up.

OrcasFree · 19/06/2023 13:24

BedtimesBackThen · 19/06/2023 12:47

I’ve already covered that he won’t drop off earlier and I already drop off early because it works with the traffic and he just accepts the extra time (it’s that or wait in a service station so is best for the kids).

Its not just traffic. He deliberately sets off late to get at me. He’s a total Disney dad and he and his girlfriend spend loads on the kids whilst they’re there but don’t let them bring toys and clothes home. This is just another way to get at me that ultimately negatively impacts the girls.

Bollocks.

You got your arse handed to you over several hours and so now you're desperately scrabbling around to make him out to be the asshole when the asshole is you who got pissed off that your special Father's day dinner with your boyfriend got ruined.

randomchap · 19/06/2023 13:34

If he's doing this just to get at you then it's important to not allow him to know it's working. Just grey rock him, show no emotion, anger, or reaction.

GoldDuster · 19/06/2023 13:40

You can believe that he deliberately sets off late to get at you, or you can accept that they will be with you in a window of time, between 6 and 7pm, depending on the traffic. Your thoughts are something you can control, the time that you ex husband pulls up outside your house is something that you can't.

Add the fact that he buys clothes and toys for the children for when they're at his house, and 'spends loads" to the list of things that the court would wipe the floor with you about. This is not "another way to get at you", this is him providing clothes and toys for his children in his home. Like you do.

Stop making this about you. Grow up.

Namechangeforthis88 · 19/06/2023 13:49

I can't help reflecting that our daily routine from DSs baby years until late primary meant getting home about 6.20.

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 19/06/2023 13:51

BedtimesBackThen · 19/06/2023 11:32

When they’re teenagers it won’t be as important to have them home at 6pm but I expect they’ll go less because they’ll want to see friends. They’re already missing birthday parties and events with my family because of the contact ex insists can’t change.

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It won’t be as important TO YOU for them to get the wind down as teens. But it’ll be more important - miles more important- TO THEM.

They’re be responsible for organising their school books, any sports kit, musical instruments etc - there’s a lot to bear in mind.

My teen would hate to be brought back late on a Sunday if her dad lived far away with no wind down, whereas at age 4 she wouldn’t have cared.

The whole thing of parents living far from each other is a much bigger deal when they’re older, is all I’m saying.

Nordicrain · 19/06/2023 13:52

Given your contact arrangement and how much time you have with them vs his time with them YABVU.

forfortiessake · 19/06/2023 13:54

@BedtimesBackThen I have had to put up with lateness and a disrespectful ex. I know it's frustrating but it is too much to deny your children contact with their father if he's twenty minutes late. My advice is, don't let this get to you. Accept he could be half an hour late or Half an hour early with drop offs and pick ups. The only person this affecting right now is you... when you stop trying to control everything it gets easier (this is coming from someone who has gone through it all and felt like you do now, before).

SunLover1985 · 19/06/2023 13:55

After reading the Disney Dad remark I’m starting to this is a wind-up.

Heidi1976 · 19/06/2023 14:00

You are forgetting that you mentioned earlier in the thread the drive is alternated, meaning that he drops them back approx half an hour late once a month, not a fortnight.

GET. A . GRIP.

As for not letting toys and clothes go to yours, having had experience of a woman like you and the fact you want to stop contact to replace Dad with your new fella, I would do the same. As from my own experience, they get sold or chucked.

The lack of respect you have for your ex (regardless of how you felt about him as a partner) as their father is deplorable.

The fact you appear to be relishing when they are at the age not to visit as much because they will want to see friends and you are annoyed they miss events with YOUR family also says a lot about you...what about his family??

I bet you are the type of woman to refer to his side of the family as first name only and new fellas parents are grandma and grandad already.

HappyintheHills · 19/06/2023 14:06

Persistently late?
once a month, and not all of those can be school nights…
how could you possibly have fitted in proper time celebrating with stepdad even if the miracle happened and their dad returned them on time?

Parkandpicnic · 19/06/2023 14:08

You’re being way over the top, just calmly explain why you’d like them to get back as near to time if possible. Maybe even reassure that if you want to leave early for the traffic then you’ll always be home from 5pm (I definitely wouldn’t of been home till time they due back and wouldn’t have expected ex to leave early for traffic then have to sit outside till I got back). As for them being grubby, that’s to be expected at the end of a day

Screwballs · 19/06/2023 14:08

BedtimesBackThen · 19/06/2023 12:47

I’ve already covered that he won’t drop off earlier and I already drop off early because it works with the traffic and he just accepts the extra time (it’s that or wait in a service station so is best for the kids).

Its not just traffic. He deliberately sets off late to get at me. He’s a total Disney dad and he and his girlfriend spend loads on the kids whilst they’re there but don’t let them bring toys and clothes home. This is just another way to get at me that ultimately negatively impacts the girls.

You are off your rocker. He's such a Disney dad? So he dotes in them, spoils them etc and that pisses you off? And he buys they toys for their second home and you're annoyed they don't all get bought to you?! Mine have a bedroom each at both homes with their own stuff, that doesn't travel between. What are toy actually bloody whinging about here because it's ridiculous. To get kids of that age out the house on time is pretty bloody difficult at the best of times and frankly he may not be in a bloody rush to say good bye to them. Be thankful he sounds like a decent dad and get over yourself, this isn't about you, you aren't the boss here, they aren't your possessions.

Screwballs · 19/06/2023 14:10

OrcasFree · 19/06/2023 13:24

Bollocks.

You got your arse handed to you over several hours and so now you're desperately scrabbling around to make him out to be the asshole when the asshole is you who got pissed off that your special Father's day dinner with your boyfriend got ruined.

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100% this. No point saying anything further. Grow up OP.

Crunchymum · 19/06/2023 14:12

BedtimesBackThen · 19/06/2023 11:48

He does a Friday drive and a Sunday drive once a month, as do I. So one weekend I drop off and he collects then the opposite next time.

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So they are late home once a month?

cestlavielife · 19/06/2023 14:15

Propose he has them overnight and drops them to school or nursery on monday morning.
Problem solved.

BlinkeredBay · 19/06/2023 14:20

cestlavielife · 19/06/2023 14:15

Propose he has them overnight and drops them to school or nursery on monday morning.
Problem solved.

I feel quite sure that OP would be moaning that the DC had a two hour journey to school in the morning, surely that is more tiring that 20 mins late to bed, they are also emotional when they return? So would that be in the best interests of the children?

Although OP had stated it’s because her ex won’t do it………hmm 🤔

JaneSeeMore · 19/06/2023 14:40

Who moved away? I assume at one point you lived together or closer to one another, that you didn’t always live 2 hours apart?

Please don’t ever describe a 30-minute hug between your child and her father as a “waste of time”. You picked this man yo be the father of your children. Don’t punish your children for your bad choices. This is clearly more about how angry you are at him, rather than a disruption to your children’s routine.

Curtains70 · 19/06/2023 14:52

Erm no and they're not your possession for you to use as weapon to punish him for inconveniencing you.

Snugglemonkey · 19/06/2023 15:05

BedtimesBackThen · 19/06/2023 11:03

He does do their reading/homework (actually it’s mostly his girlfriend who does) and they have a shower in the morning at his but they’re still grubby when they get home if they’ve been outside playing, which they usually have.

I don’t see what else I can do to stop him from being late every time.

You just need to suck it up. It is annoying but you would bvvu to stop contact because of it! He hardly gets to see them as it is, and they hardly get to see him.

GeriatricMumma · 19/06/2023 15:06

JaneSeeMore · 19/06/2023 14:40

Who moved away? I assume at one point you lived together or closer to one another, that you didn’t always live 2 hours apart?

Please don’t ever describe a 30-minute hug between your child and her father as a “waste of time”. You picked this man yo be the father of your children. Don’t punish your children for your bad choices. This is clearly more about how angry you are at him, rather than a disruption to your children’s routine.

This 👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻

Snugglemonkey · 19/06/2023 15:10

BedtimesBackThen · 19/06/2023 11:22

DD2 isn’t even 5 yet, she’s in reception. DD1 is 7. They have a fun time at their dad’s but he’s not the one who has to do school runs and their normal life.

My partner raises them. We like having dinner all together and every other Sunday evening is just a rush with emotional children and ruined dinner plans. If my ex just stuck to what’s agreed it wouldn’t be like that.

Or if you reorganised your Sunday evening, it would not be like that. You could have a dinner that is quick to make, so it does not take much planning. You can factor it in. Have everything ready for school before they arrive etc.

YetMoreNewBeginnings · 19/06/2023 15:30

BedtimesBackThen · 19/06/2023 11:48

He does a Friday drive and a Sunday drive once a month, as do I. So one weekend I drop off and he collects then the opposite next time.

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So you’re having a hissy fit and proposed cutting contact because of one Sunday a month?

You’d get absolutely lambasted in court if you tried that.

Stop planning big dinners on that Sunday. A quick tea, quick wash and bedtime is back on track.

Stop finding excuses and put your children first - their relationship with their father is important to them and they will not thank you for trying to sabotage it