To stop contact if he can’t keep to the time?

[BedtimesBackThen]

My ex has our kids every other weekend but he keeps dropping them back late. It’s supposed to be 6pm but he’s usually at least twenty minutes late. It’s a long drive so I have to give them their tea and get them ready for school on Monday.

AIBU to say he can’t have them if he can’t keep to 6pm?

I'm going to remove personal opinion completely. You're getting a hard time, there's likely far more that's gone on than anyone here could realise.

No, you can't stop contact completely and if you did the courts would take a very dim view.

1. Request he bring them back on time and give the reason that your children are missing out on weekend time with you and you had things planned.
2. Request that instead he collect them later to make up for it, give the same reason.
3. If you aren't already, use a parenting app so this is all recorded.
4. You can't do anything more than this, but down the line should you end up back in court you have proof of what's gone on here and potentially a reason to shorten contact time.
5. Keep a log of the timings in a diary.
6. See how your children feel about it all and note that down.

That's all you can do.

I have to deal with an ex who is persistently late op, and I agree with everyone else that you are being ridiculous. Even more so with each post. He has them twice a month and you are moaning that they miss out on events with your family? Father's day meal with your partner? He is just as much their parent as you, and to answer your question, no there isn't anything you can do or threaten to stop him being late. A judge would not be interested in him being 20-40 mins late, it's before 7 and a completely reasonable time.

For heavens sake. It's 20 minutes. Or are you going to say as DSS's step mum frequently does 'those twenty minutes (or in fact 2 minutes in the one case we were late as stuck in traffic) are her 'precious time with the boys and we are impinging on it'
I don't know how people wind themselves up about this sort of thing.

I've been putting up with it for nearly 9 years. I do it because it's the best thing for the kids and in the scheme of things it's not miniscule. It's frustrating, especially as I know he does it on purpose but I love my kids more than he annoys me.

Well sometimes when you have shared custody you don't always get to do what you like. You need to manage your expectations and wants a lot better around the fact that they see their dad every other weekend, not expect your ex to fit his limited time with his kids around what you want to do.

My DSD who's 5 frequently misses football training and other activities because she has no routine or proper bedtime at her mum's and turns up to ours shattered. DH has spoken to his ex about it and nothing has changed. So we just need to suck it up and try not to plan too much on transition days. We'd love to be able to do a fun family activity every Sunday but we can't and that's just how it is.

It doesn't sound like he's a bad dad. He does all their homework etc with them. My DSDs mum would never do that, it's always left to us.

Your situation may not be ideal in your eyes, but count your blessings. Your kids have a good dad who wants to spend time with them and you're thinking of ruining that for the sake of 20-40 mins?

YABU, he only has them EOW, you can’t deprive your children from having time with their father over 20/30.
At 5 and 7 they should be able to cope with a 7:30/8pm bedtime every other weekend.
I also don’t think it’s fair to complain if they were late on Father’s Day, spending time with their actual father. It’s great they have a good relationship with your DP but he isn’t their dad.

If you prevent contact and your ex takes you to court, and you have to explain yourself and you come up with this:

My ex hates my new partner, even though he got a girlfriend at the same time
He's late with maintenence, I don't think he's paying enough
He's rude and disrespectful to me and my partner
He lets the kids stay up late

You're going to be laughed out. Save yourself the embarassment and start behaving like an adult, don't be so invested in what your ex is doing and concentrate on your own behaviour. That is what's best for your children, not this playground he said/she said bullshit. Parenting classes could be a good idea.

Again, in case you haven't heard everyone telling you that there is nothing you can do to control your childrens' father sometimes dropping them off 20 minutes late on a two hour journey, you cannot stop him from doing it, due to logistics, you need to address the belief that it's reasonable to try.

My first marriage ended 26 years ago. My sons are now adults. They went to their dad's every other weekend. I found that when they came back ( around 6.30) the best thing was scrambled egg on toast a nice bath a story and off to bed. I'd have organised uniform etc whilst they were away . One son found the transition from one home to another difficult and it was better to eat a healthy,simple tea and be off to bed and then wake up at mums ready for Monday. My second husband moved in when they were 9 and 11. Their dad left when they were 3 and 2. He is brilliant but he never ever sought to be dad. They have a dad Op. I made a mistake with my first marriage but it isn't my sons fault. They have a dad and they have a step dad. They are very different things.

No I don't think you should meddle with contact due to lateness. Perhaps it would make more sense for them to stay over at his on Sunday night and he does the school drop off Monday morning - unless the overnight with you is of some importance contact schedule wise.
TBf as it was Father's Day I think Dad having time with them is of far more importance than step Dad. I'm a step Mum and Mother's Day is not a day I want to be factored into at all it doesn't feel right to do that. Was always happy with just a token gift and card of appreciation for what I did.

I understand when kids get ratty when their routine alters, especially after a busy weekend. But it will be easier on the youngest even in a years time so it’s really not the end of the world.

It sounds like he sticks to his access and I know people with partners who mess them about and cancel last minute because of some minor unimportant reason so I think you can’t knock him there.

I always placed a lot of importance in routine when they were little but with long journeys lateness happens, I visit my parents an hour and half away and it’s so annoying when something happens that delays you , you can’t always plan for this, sometimes there will be a crash when you are on your way. This has happened to me so many times and I’d get in a fluster about getting everything ready and sorting the kids dinner, shower bed time etc. But looking back (they are now 12 & 8) those times we got back late have had no impact on them , their schooling, their lives. It was really me that needed the routine more than them perhaps!

i think you just need to get on with it, once a month he is a little late on his turn for the return journey it’s just not worth the hassle of trying to do something about it.

as for the rest hopefully your relationship will improve in time.

@BedtimesBackThen why don’t they have tea at dads then and bath and bed with you?

yes it’s annoying that he’s consistently late - but if he’s not going to magically improve - then work around it or it will eat you up.

don’t give this such power over you.

just tell him because they aren’t getting him until nearly 7pm etc - he needs to do dinner and have them home by 6.30pm. Then you do bath and bed.

Honestly they won’t remember all this fuss as they grow up and whilst I get you miss them - you have the rest of your life and their childhood around them.

But you've got time with them every day for the following 11 days?

Have you suggested that you drop them off at his an hour earlier on Friday so that he won't lose out by returning them an hour earlier on Sundays?

I can understand it's annoying but are you really going to deprive your children of their father because he's a bit late dropping them off. If he's a good dad otherwise I'd just suck it up.

@BedtimesBackThen Move house 20 minutes nearer to them if it is of such vital importance.
They are children with their dad, not clocking in and out of work.

I say this reluctantly as I had a boundary pushing exh and know how it grinds your teeth.

Exactly. And why are they watching TV before bed? Probably the worst thing they can do to wind down.

I don't think you are putting your children's best interests first.

Your OP asked if YABU to stop contact because he's 20-40 minutes late. You've now backtracked and said you won't stop contact but are pissed off about it interrupting your routine. You've commented about them missing events with your family and birthday parties because of seeing their Dad.

Take a step back and have a think about whether you are truly prioritising their need to have a relationship with their Dad. It comes across as you seeing this as less important than a birthday party. You see your children for 12 nights out of every 14. Imagine if that situation was flipped around and you could only see them EOW? I bet you'd want contact prioritised over attending a birthday party.

Your children are young so you need to facilitate their relationship with their Dad. It's important for them.

You said he doesn’t pay enough. Do you go through CMS? If not, calculate how much he would have to pay through them. If it’s significantly more you can let him know how much he the owes you. Depending on how tight he is, he may just try to keep you sweet for a while.

Missing out on dinner with young children for one evening in a fortnight isn't really a big deal, and it makes no sense running around stressing out making a dinner and insisting your children eat it quickly . It makes much more sense for their father to give them something to eat before they set off; if they're hungry when they get back you can give them something quick like a sandwich which they can eat while they relax and wind down.

You are making an absolute mountain out of a mole hill and he sounds like a good dad!

If 20 minutes late is such an issue to you, then why don't you go and pick them up from his at 5pm? You can then give them a pack tea in the car on the way home, or your partner can make dinner ready for when they get back at 6pm or whatever the timing is.

Who moved away?

I’ve already covered that he won’t drop off earlier and I already drop off early because it works with the traffic and he just accepts the extra time (it’s that or wait in a service station so is best for the kids).

Its not just traffic. He deliberately sets off late to get at me. He’s a total Disney dad and he and his girlfriend spend loads on the kids whilst they’re there but don’t let them bring toys and clothes home. This is just another way to get at me that ultimately negatively impacts the girls.

We don't let DSS bring toys and clothes home either - because then they'd stay there and we'd have to keep buying more. It's logical.

I would just pick your battles. There isn't much you can do here if it keeps happening. But stopping contact for anything other than safeguarding reasons is inherently wrong and if you took this in front of a judge, they'd wipe the floor with you. Fact.

Don't use your kids as a stick to beat your ex

Keeping clothes & toys that he provided at his house is perfectly normal and reasonable otherwise he'd have to start from scratch every time. It will also help the dc feel more at home and settled if they have familiar things there each time.

Can they not have their dinner in the car on the way back if it's a long drive? He could make sandwiches etc then he won't have to panic about getting back on time and it's one less thing you have to do..