Is my mother husband becoming obsessed with my DD

[IECW22]

For starters we've never really got along. Hence why I worry I am BU.

He has no children, him and my DM married about 7 years ago. He's a busy body. Will sit staring at his ring doorbell footage of an evening and moan about what his neighbours are up to. Last year he complained to the local council that a neighbour had a paddling pool out in their front garden for their DC (they have no back garden) and it overhung an inch and wanted it resolved "immediately". He reported an old boy for parking his mobility scooter which overhung slightly. Just has to be inconvenienced by everything that doesn't actually inconvenience him. We just clash. We didn't speak for some time because I just could not deal with him, until I accepted a meet when I was pregnant to make thing easier for my DM.

At the meeting he said something along the lines off "we should get along now that I'm a grandad". I just didn't say anything for an easy life during a really difficult pregnancy.

My Dd is 11 months old. And yes he loves her and that's fine. But recently things have become difficult.

He has took her for a walk in her pram a few times which I did appreciate as could get her food cooked bottles sorted ect but would come back and say how he walked down the high road with her and she would start saying "love you grandad" .... she can't even say dog yet. I asked my mum and she just stated he loves her. I said yes but it is a lie. And then whilst on a day out with me, baby, my DM and her husband someone commented on her dress and he said in the direction of baby "yes grandad bought it for you" and the lady said "oh that's nice of grandad" and he proceeded to ask "ha do you think we look alike?" .... you are not related by blood firstly and secondly you look like a different species all together.

And yes he does buy her a LOT of dresses (an insanely large amount) and I'm not ungrateful she just cries every time she's put in a dress as she can't crawl. I've explained this. But I get the demands from my DM and her husband on a bloody WhatsApp group they've created for a photo of her In said dress. Like I have nothing else to do but put my daughter in what resembles a wedding dress every day for her to cry for me to then take it off. If I don't respond to said group I'll get a phone call, and then a text from my mum saying "*** has messaged on the group and you have not responded" yes thanks mother.

The next part. So they've been asking for a sleepover with her and i'm not convinced. So I said let's trial one a few times, but I will stay also but just put her cot in your room.

Baby slept like a dream, he gets up the next morning stating how tired he is. I asked why and he said he was up till gone 4am....again I asked why, he said oh because I was watching her sleep to make sure she's okay.....you stared at her for 9 hours?

He keeps saying things like "oh when me and your mum go out people think I'm her dad" this just is not the truth. Unless they're incredibly short sighted. I just wouldn't be surprised if he tells people he is.

So it's all kicked off the other night when I told my mum some truths and I got a nasty message from him which I only skim read. So I blocked him on WhatsApp, phone/text. I then got an EMAIL from him so blocked that too. Just checked out my next door app.....and have a message on there. I've not said they can't see baby anymore I just said I need some space from him as we clash, but basically. It's all gone off. But is my general dislike for him clouding my judgment? My mother seems to believe so but my partner (who wants him and baby to be separated for a while) doesn't. I just have a feeling.

As someone who is incredibly close to my grandmother’s second husband and is in fact closer to him than either of my biological grandfathers…

this isn’t that!

If you think he’s creepy, protect your child.

Even if he isn't a nonce (debatable) and just someone who is doting on a child and getting to live experiences he never had, it still isn't ok! This is not his grandchild, certainly not his child, yet he seems to be forcing this relationship on this little girl, trampling over her parents boundaries to do so, bullying them to gain access to her. No fucking way would he be near my kid. This is not healthy!

The pressure is roo much. He sounds like he's missed out on being a parent but he's just play acting at it and thinks it's all walks with the pram and clothes! I'd keep a very firm.separation from anyone trying to create a relationship rather than a natural development

How was your relationship with your own dad, her real grandad?

If he's no longer with us and you're happy to, you could share photos and memories of real grandad with her, have them around the house, and always clearly refer to and address mum's husband by his name. Correcting them if necessary.

So she understands from the start who's really who.

I have been married to my husband for 17 years. He had no children and is a lovely Grandad to my grandchildren, but is sensitive to the fact that he isn't blood related. I read him your post, @IECW22 , and he said keep your distance, the man sounds very creepy.

Absolutely listen to your instinct here. My mum has a partner who is a bit like this. Not in the obsessed with my children way, but in a pushing boundaries inappropriately sort of way, making himself the centre of the world, negging comments. It bothered me for years. I finally did some digging, found out some information, and after confronting them, discovered his has a history of sexual offences against his own daughter. My gut was not wrong. It's meant I lost my mum, as she already knew about his abuse of his daughter and was fine with it, because I would not tolerate having someone in my dc's life who was okay being in a sexual relationship with someone who sexually abused children.

That's not to say at all that this is the situation here (though I might put a Sarah's Law request through just for my own information!). But your mama bear instinct is saying something is wrong. And that could simply be that he is controlling and an unhealthy person to have in your/your daughter's life.

Mmmm i know theres 2 sides to every story, but, i am a great believer of gut instinct.
Perhaps a bit too attentive.

He sounds childish and creepy, I'm sorry but I wouldn't let her stay if he just gazes at her all night, WTAF

N0nce alert.

sad how so many people automatically jump to him being a nonce.

I find it sad how many people have been abused as children and live with the afterneffects their entire lives because everyone sticks their fingers in their ears and says la-di-da when creepy men are being creepy towards small children.

Much sadder, actually.

His behaviour screams grooming and boundary pushing and disrespectful, and he has already secured a night with the child through pestering the mother.

We know some men are attracted to children. We know that.

So why feel sad about asking the right questions and protecting children? Seriously, how can you justify that on a poster where numerous women have said she is right to trust her instincts. Weird.

Exactly.

And how many actual grandfathers are even this involved with their grandchild? Let’s face it, most of the time it’s grandmothers buying dresses etc. This man isn’t even related and isn’t close to OP. It’s not normal male behaviour.

I suspect he’s getting to have experiences (ie being a father/type)he’s never had, via your daughter. Whatever the case, it’s not on. He’s not been a major part of your life - in fact you don’t like him and had distanced yourself from him - but he feels it’s appropriate to have a say in your child’s life?

I know you’re trying to keep the peace, but this is only going to get worse. You have every right to say that he’s not her grandfather, he’s being way too over the top and you’re not having is. He has NO right to be pushing his agenda on you. He and your mum can’t be trusted to respect your boundaries, or those of your daughter. Strengthen those boundaries! For your sake and hers. Good luck.

@footballdramas

I completely agree with this. In most circumstances I'm all for giving people the benefit of doubt, but not when it comes to the safety and well-being of a child.

I'm actually astonished that anyone thinks it's ok for an unrelated man who has played no real part in op's life to want to have a baby overnight.

It's sad that so many women are programmed to prioritise the wants of adult men over the needs of of a child.

Don’t be afraid to hurt their feelings by withdrawing contact. Your baby is paramount here, not their feelings. Be prepared for a reaction, but don’t be persuaded by them. You don’t owe them anything.

when we got a dog, the puppy trainer emphasised that it’s our dog, so we get to decide whether other people are allowed to stroke him etc. we brought him op for our enjoyment, not others. The same principle exists here, she’s your child, not theirs, so you dictate wha5 goes on.

No way would he be near my child. As your little girl grows she'll take cues from her parents of who are 'safe' people and who aren't - you need to make it clear this is not someone you trust.

I also wanted to add to my previous post: if you do still want a relationship with your mum going forward (and it sounds like you do), try this. Say that Bob's behaviour is making you uncomfortable and you don't wish to see him anymore with baby, and ask to meet up in the future just you and her with your daughter. See how that goes down. That will tell you a lot.

When I did the same with my mum (whose partner turned out to be a convicted paedophile), that's when the relationship broke down. Because she wasn't so much interested in a relationship with me or my children, but in facilitating a relationship between them and her partner. Even now, years later, I am NC with her (or bloody well trying to be) and my children haven't seen or spoken to her in years, youngest has no memory of her whatsoever, she still gets in touch about twice a year to ask for photos of them. She doesn't want to be involved in their lives because she knows he can't be. But she will ask for photos. Which is creepy, but also very one-sided. It's about them and what they can extract, not about what's best for my children.

If your mum is genuinely loving and supportive and has good intentions and not being controlled by this man, she will keep up a relationship with you and her granddaughter at all costs. If not, and she is being groomed, it will be very obvious by her response to that boundary.

I should have suggested this sooner, but I'd have him checked using Sarah's Law. There's also Clare's Law which is a DV convictions register.

https://www.gov.uk/guidance/find-out-if-a-person-has-a-record-for-child-sexual-offences

I just wanted to post an update and thank everyone for their validation on the matter really.

I'll refer to him as "frank" as someone used that example. I've read every post in depth but im in the office today so didn't have much time to reply.

My mum came to my property this morning as she does on a Monday, as I returned from Mat leave a bit early when my SSP stopped. She has baby on a Monday morning and drops her to nursery for me at 1pm. My partner doesn't work on Friday so he has baby. So my baby is only there for one afternoon session a week. They do pick her up and drop her back at 6 when I return home.

She said to me "frank is very upset you have blocked him and thinks your keeping "baby" from him"

I said if you think back I didn't stop contact I just blocked him as I don't want to rise to awful messages and he is not allowed in my home as this is mine and my daughters safe place.

I said however upon reflection I think it may be best if I contact nursery and ask if baby can also do the morning session on a Monday. I think we all need a breather (I'm trying to be political). But I said to my mum as I haven't gone back to work FT and was gonna start baby in nursery full time from next January, that she is welcome any time in the week if she wants to pop in and see me and baby. She responded

"I shouldn't say this but frank is thinking about contacting a solicitor"

I know this will achieve nothing for them but I don't much appreciate the threat and it's also put my back up further.

Then it was "also we won't be dropping her back tonight as Frank won't do it anymore for you" .....I have a flat tyre which they know is booked for tomorrow. I said that's fine I'll bring baby back on the bus today.

It's my DD first birthday tomorrow. After all of this it was followed by "we're going to pick 'baby' up at 1 tomorrow" .... I just said unfortunately you can't as I am going to be spending the day with her until her father gets home from work.

After all is said and done "me and Frank would like to take the baby to clacton in August to stay with our friends"

I said absolutely not. I said there are no sleepovers and certainly not staying at any strangers homes also. My mums judgment is very clouded I don't actually understand what's happening.

Also to the poster who asked if I'm so desperate for a break, I've never had a break? My break is my partner watches our daughter whilst I have a bath and watch Netflix for an hour. Then get out for bathtime and bedtime.

@Thelnebriati I'm going to look into this ... thank you.

@mindutopia I am going to suggest this. If our relationship breaks down it breaks down. I have my family now, my family will always be with my daughter

He sounds absolutely unhinged and I would not be leaving him alone with my baby or even sending photos of her in dresses.

Nothing makes me want to keep my children from someone more than them threatening to take me to court for access on their terms.
My MiL has done this repeatedly because she's genuinely dangerous to be left unsupervised with children.
(Both physically and mentally) and whilst I've tried to accommodate its never ever enough for her. Sadly that for us has meant NC.
But threatening to take a parent to court simply because a GP feels they've an automatic right to having GC whenever they like is so wrong.
Good luck with this OP. The situation sounds awful.

Yeah, if it's of any reassurance, OP, even your mother wouldn't be able to get a court to grant her access to your child, let alone this creepy man who isn't even a blood relative of the child.

I read this chat earlier and left it but I absolutely knew he would pull the solicitor card.

If anything that absolutely solidifies the creepy vibes and that you are right to trust your instincts and keep him away. Do you trust your mum with the baby- that she wouldn't bring her to him or take pics for him? (Obvs your mum isn't picking up on the creepy vibes but she also doesn't seem to be sticking up for you either or understanding why you are apprehensive)

I'd also advise letting the nursery know not to give access to to or discuss your daughter with anyone but you and your partner (I'm assuming they know your partner by sight), that they have both your contact details and that, if they have any doubt whatsoever about contact with your child, that they phone one of you to double check before they do anything else.

Does your nursery have a password system that they use in these types of situations?

The fact that your mother's husband is contemplating the legal route plus they're considering taking her away without you to stay with people you don't know, just reinforces the the need to keep your child away from both of them. Very poor judgement on your mother's part (but now you are pre-warned) and rather scary on "Frank's" part. I second the suggestion to make those checks on him. 🌹