Friends Baby Shower Nightmare

[Popcornlassie28]

Hey Everyone.
I am in a sticky situation and don’t want to come across as a mean person but don’t want to be walked over either.

My friend is currently pregnant with her third baby and asked me to help her Mum with organising her baby shower.
She gave me her Mum’s number to message her and her Mum stated she had organised most things but left me with some loose ends to organise (decorations, shower games, cake etc).

I found her quite unresponsive to messages and has been hard to organise with but ploughed on through. Anyways, she left all of my messages on read even ones that are asking simple questions such as ‘What time do we get the keys to the venue so we can start setting up?’

She told my friend she’s found me unhelpful (I’m so confused as I’ve been left on read on every message with zero communication) and doesn’t like what I have done so far and my friend has asked me if I could return some things and re order. It’s partly a surprise so she said she couldn’t go into detail about what it was as she ‘didn’t know.’

I sent a message to her Mum and was again met with nothing. Until today, in the WhatsApp group chat for the event she sent a message out saying that she’s organised everything by herself with NO help and to ‘bear with her’ but she’s proud of what she’s achieved by herself.

1. She hasn’t done it by herself and some of my money has gone into this? Why would she say this?
2. All other people invited thought I was helping so I feel like I don’t look like a good team player and left the task to her. This isn’t true but it’s being made to look like this.

I am really confused. I don’t want to message her Mum and upset her (she wouldn’t reply anyways) and I’m worried my friend will be upset with me.

I feel awkward to even attend!!
I don’t even know details to even help set up so I would now be turning up at the same time as the other guests and I’m worried there is going to be a situation.

EDIT: I’ve only met her Mum twice before and she’s been fine with me on both times.

definitely confront in the group WhatsApp. Do it as politely as you can, but don’t allow yourself to be painted as useless and lazy. I’d be prepared to lose the friendship over it - her mum sounds toxic and bullying and she doesn’t sound much better.

how much is the cake and did you agree to pay/have paid?

as i'd want to be repaid for the cake if i wasn't attending anymore or my help wasn't needed? (or cancel cake or change it to a cake i could use for something else if can't cancel)

Id say in the chat “friends mum, I’m so confused about this - here are the messages I sent that you don’t seem to have seen on our private WhatsApp chat. I have no idea why though as you’re seeing it on here and it’s the same phone number” send screenshots to the chat.

@Popcornlassie28 return the decorations and don't give your
'friend' the cake. Make an excuse not to come eg something has come up with your children etc. Incredibly grabby to ask for a baby shower, let alone one for her THIRD child. Screenshot your texts that show the mum ignored you and post these onto the group WhatsApp chat so you can show others that you tried to contact her but can't get through to her.

Again, don't go, don't give her the decorations and cake, and find better friends.

I grew up in an era when hen nights were rare

Yes, and they were called hens NIGHT. Not 'do'.

I think we all need to back to the proper, original name and call it hens night. Which is what it is. Luckily in Australia it is still called hens night and bucks night. And it is one party on ONE day (usually at night). Not a weekend/3 days/two weeks.

I'm a firm believer in when someone shows you who they are believe them. Your friend clearly doesn't have your back.

I'd be busy for the baby shower and distance myself from now on.

100% this from @MakeItRain

@Popcornlassie28 these people are not friends, nor are they people who should even have any friends with this shower present list BS. Who the fuck do they think they are?

Send the message @MakeItRain suggested, then leave the group. Cancel the cake if you can and return the decorations

Depending on where you’re from, it’s referred to as a hen night or a hen do. In my part of the country, everything is a ‘do’.

OP, your friend is disgustingly grabby and I don’t know how you put up with her. She clearly wants it all the ‘right’ colour for the pretentious insta pictures. Her mum sounds awful. Out her in the group chat. Don’t be a walk over, let them all see you’ve tried to help as best you can.

I would actually send her a detailed message explaining everything you've said here, and saying that you are very hurt by her message in the group WhatsApp. She is completely in the wrong and has treated you very badly in front of others. She needs to put it right.

I'd copy in her daughter and do this

You sound too nice for such "friends"! I really like all the replies you have been given on this thread. It is just a shame some of the posters on here cannot get together with you to enjoy the cake and maybe some summer drinks in compensation!

Seriously, you sound too nice for them. Find friends who appreciate you and, if you have been left out of pocket, just think of it as an investment in life and good friends will come your way (nature abhors a vacuum) with their own nice benefits in compensation.

I can be convinced to share some cake with you if you are nearby!

Really don't envy you in this situation OP. However you word the message in group chat about the money you've spent, things you've organised, which sounds like pretty much the whole thing. Make sure you publicly arrange to get the docorarions back as you will need to send them back. (clearly doubled up so they won't need them anyway 😉) then sell/give them away on Facebook marketplace 😅. As for cake, if you can't cancel, enjoy it with your kids on the day. You sound like a good friend and don't deserve to be treated in this way.

Baby showers are grabby anyway but I can understand for a first baby. But for a third child? Fuck no. Grabby entitled nonsense. Especially to go as far as to include a present list with expensive stuff on it. It’s easy to have new stuff when someone else is paying for it.

I swear some people think the world revolves around them and their babies. It doesn’t.

As others have said, I’d screenshot all messages and put them in group chat so everyone knows that you have tried to help and her mother was the one playing awkward. Not you.

it sounds like she wants to play the martyr so let her but not at the cost of your reputation.

As for the cake, I’d go one step further. I’d keep it and eat it but I wouldn’t tell them I was doing that. So on the day when I didn’t show up and they realise there’s no cake, I’m sitting at home, enjoying a slice. When they inevitably message querying the cake, just say “Oh this?” Send picture of half eaten cake “It’s delicious. Since your mother had it all in hand, I assumed she’d got the cake as well. Oops. Well you’ve had two other cakes for your other attempts to grab attention and presents off people, what’s a third?”

Burn the bridge and go down in a blaze of glory.

The mother needs to give back the decorations that are ‘wrong’ so you can get your money back, so make sure you do that before burning any bridges!

Otherwise, cancel what you can, and do as PPs have said about the messages so others can see how much you’ve tried to help.

Then back out graciously and leave them to it - what a nightmare!

Well you’ve had two other cakes for your other attempts to grab attention and presents off people, what’s a third?”

Burn the bridge and go down in a blaze of glory.

Fuck yes, Fuck yes, FUCK YES! I'd say/do this too.

Honestly, I'd walk away from the whole thing. They sound absolutely batshit.

Baby shower for a 3rd baby - that's a whole new level of entitlement right there.

And send a photo of yourself to the group chat eating said cake on the day.

Exactly, let them see what an utter liar the mother is irrespective of who's 'offended'.

Oh yes, please do this! Glad I'm not the only evil one, one of the privileges of great age. So glad to be old enough not to have been troubled with baby showers, gender reveal parties and all the other nonsense now associated with a very common event.

Third baby shower! Greedy mare.

I agree with screenshotting the text thread and then ask for a refund of what you’ve spent so far. I would go so far as calling them entitled, grabby arseholes, but O’ve been bitten like this before.

This

How tacky do you have to be to throw a party where the whole purpose is to be 'showered with gifts'... lacks any form class.

If you want a party to celebrate whats wrong with a naming ceremony, baptism, wetting the head or hell even a gender reveal (not my thing but each to their own) or virtually anything which doesn't rely solely on expecting other people to buy you stuff.

How super naff to have a shower like that for third - ridiculous

Your friend sounds like an absolute princess. Who has a baby shower for a third baby. Just so grabby and crass. And expecting you to run around organising it. I couldn't be bothered with someone like that, nor their pass-agg mother.

I didn't have a BS for my first child never mind a third? Also, WTF is with the gift list? A lot of people in my social circle don't even have a list like that for their wedding, never mind a baby. Jesus wept.

She doesn’t need a 3rd baby shower. She’s got everything she needs already. I think you’re nuts for not seeing that this frenemy of yours and her mother are mean bitches. You need to drop them asap, no need to explain or beg for them to speak to you. Who cares about her shower? Not me nor anyone with any sense. Don’t text or call anymore, no need to tell her you’re no longer at her beck and call (yet she ignores you and her mother lies about you, come on op, surely you’re smarter than to just keep on groveling). Simply block and don’t look back. Radio silence.

Please tell us all that you’re clear as a bell now on how to proceed.