Friends Baby Shower Nightmare

[Popcornlassie28]

Hey Everyone.
I am in a sticky situation and don’t want to come across as a mean person but don’t want to be walked over either.

My friend is currently pregnant with her third baby and asked me to help her Mum with organising her baby shower.
She gave me her Mum’s number to message her and her Mum stated she had organised most things but left me with some loose ends to organise (decorations, shower games, cake etc).

I found her quite unresponsive to messages and has been hard to organise with but ploughed on through. Anyways, she left all of my messages on read even ones that are asking simple questions such as ‘What time do we get the keys to the venue so we can start setting up?’

She told my friend she’s found me unhelpful (I’m so confused as I’ve been left on read on every message with zero communication) and doesn’t like what I have done so far and my friend has asked me if I could return some things and re order. It’s partly a surprise so she said she couldn’t go into detail about what it was as she ‘didn’t know.’

I sent a message to her Mum and was again met with nothing. Until today, in the WhatsApp group chat for the event she sent a message out saying that she’s organised everything by herself with NO help and to ‘bear with her’ but she’s proud of what she’s achieved by herself.

1. She hasn’t done it by herself and some of my money has gone into this? Why would she say this?
2. All other people invited thought I was helping so I feel like I don’t look like a good team player and left the task to her. This isn’t true but it’s being made to look like this.

I am really confused. I don’t want to message her Mum and upset her (she wouldn’t reply anyways) and I’m worried my friend will be upset with me.

I feel awkward to even attend!!
I don’t even know details to even help set up so I would now be turning up at the same time as the other guests and I’m worried there is going to be a situation.

EDIT: I’ve only met her Mum twice before and she’s been fine with me on both times.

She asked you to 'help' but actually meant pay for stuff that they didn't want to pay for. The mum didn't want help, she wanted cash. I'd step away from them and eat the cake.

Screenshot all the unresponded messages. Post in group, then leave.

Also, baby shower for a third baby? LOL.

Actually the message I would send in the group chat (and burn those bridges in the process) would be
"Ah, that makes sense now when you (Grabby Mum having a 3rd Baby Shower) say that your mum (Grabby Granny) was too busy to reply to my queries was because she was doubling up on all of the work that I had already done. That's fine. I have another event coming up that I can use the bits and pieces for, including the cake, decorations etc. If only she had replied to one of my messages that I had sent her as she didn't need to go to that effort as I had already taken care of the things I was told to do by her/by you. Anyway, good to know it's all in hand".
Then I would mute the group (as I'd love to see the fall out from the message, if there was any) and leave it a few weeks later

Why does someone with two kids need a list of things for a third? People usually keep baby stuff, she seems greedy

I'd not accuse mum of not doing anything if she had organised a venue and one assumes food and invites. I assume she will also put up the decorations (you paid for)

But you can definitely say "oh and I have ordered the cake you asked me to pay for, in case you didn't see my messages, see you all in the 5th"

I can't get past there being a venue and 'shower games'.

Is your friend expecting Jesus?

Screenshot the messages and post in group chat with an additional message of did you read my messages?

So grabby and entitled. I cannot stand baby showers. I was invited to one recently for a friends 4th baby. I laughed a lot and politely declined.

Don't give them the cake or decorations, let see her mum flap about it. A baby shower for a 3rd baby is embarrassing tbh. Seems her mum wants all the credit, so return the decorations and keep the cake.

Please send a message like this @Popcornlassie28

@Popcornlassie28

I don’t want to start drama

Great motto to have on a doormat.

How do you know any of them are English?

She clearly likes a bit drama

Given that she dropped in the chat that youd been no help, I think for my own reputation I would reply with faux-naivety and faux-apologies.

You've tried calling, texting etc and she has just been nasty.

If I was your friend, I wouldnt judge you for it, I'd think fair play.

You dont have to put up with this.

I would say something in the group chat along the lines of

" I would have loved to help and have done my best to reach out and there must have been a miscommunication or tech error because i've left messages and tried calling but no response. Thankfully it appears that you can both access the group chat so hopefully you can work together from now on.

Then add some screenshots of the messages left unread and apologise for adding them to the chat but your other messages appear not to be getting through and you would be so upset for her to think you havent tried because you have and hopefully now hat has been cleared up you can work together to finalise details. "

Sub-text, fuck you.

I would say

I am sure it will be a fantastic party - thank you for organising. I would have helped had my offers to do so been accepted.

Very grabby to have a third baby shower and the mum and granny all want brand new stuff for free and themed to certain areas (?!).

I’d be so tempted to return the decorations and keep the cake and send a message to group chat asking if anyone’s received the messages? Feign ignorance re what you’ve received and get your money back, is the cake non refundable?

My SIL is having her second baby soon and I’m wondering if I should organise a baby shower. I can’t recall if her first child had one and though she does have things from the first child they’re not sure and don’t want to find out sex so if it’s a girl will have to be girl stuff bought, plus her son is 5, in theory there shouldn’t be a huge amount they do need.

You need to send this message to the group chat in response to the Mum's message about doing it all herself.

Not the point, I know, but a ‘venue’ for a shower for a 3rd baby? Seems like a new height of OTT-ness to me - aren’t they usually at someone’s house?

As a pp said, I’d return everything to friend and say the mother apparently wants to do it all herself.

You are definitely not being unreasonable, OP. The fact that the mum is being difficult is one thing - but far worse imo is the fact your friend is facilitating and enabling this. She’s asked you to help (and devote time and money) to her shower and then actually passed on the message from her mum that she’s found you “unhelpful”. I think that has crossed a line - you’re being treated like a recalcitrant employee who’s at risk of a performance plan rather than a busy friend who’s helping out.

I’d be tempted to message both the friend and her mum and said you believe there’s been a breakdown in communication. You had thought you were organising x, y & z but you’ve had difficulties getting responses to your messages and from the message to the group chat you now understand the mum is organising solo. Let them know you had organised a cake, decorations, etc for x cost but you will now cancel and specify any sink costs.

Depending on how you feel about the friendship going forward, you could either say you’ll still attend as a guest or, alternatively, make up a white lie about work trip/child’s activity/spouse’s business trip. Keep it drama-free and non-confrontational as well as clear that any balls you were holding are being well-and-truly dropped and no for their communication on the matter is needed.

I really feel they’ve both crossed a boundary and the only way to leave open the option of salvaging the friendship is to extract yourself from the whole debacle and wait for your friend to approach you once things have simmered down and explain herself

A baby shower for a 3rd baby is grabby as fuck, but hey ho.

Moving forward, I'd message the friend one time saying something like "I have messaged your mum X number of times about the baby shower, and all but one time, she's not replied. I'll just assume moving forward, that she's got it all in hand, unless I hear otherwise."

To the mum, also one message, "Hi FriendsMum, as I haven't had a reply to the X number of messages I've sent you regarding Friends baby shower, I'll just assume moving forward, that you've got it all in hand. If you need anything from me, please let me know by some date before the shower that you would be able to throw something together easily enough if required, otherwise I'll see you at the shower on the date.

If it gets any weirder, I'd seriously consider not attending. Even if it's on the day, you message with a "I've got an absolutely horrible cold, so won't be able to come."

I would definitely reply in the group chat and say you're sorry she's had to sort so much herself, and you've been messaging her for weeks/months, but she hasn't been responding, and ask her to check that she has your number/knows it's you/has been receiving the messages and they've not just gone to a wrong number (you obviously know they haven't).

But my guess is that this is a lot about your friend's mum and her relationship with her daughter than about you. There are parents out there who like to make sure their children know that everything is a hassle for them and they better be grateful for even half-assed efforts. Your friend sounds high maintenance and I suspect her mum is more than a bit as well.

I would actually send her a detailed message explaining everything you've said here, and saying that you are very hurt by her message in the group WhatsApp. She is completely in the wrong and has treated you very badly in front of others. She needs to put it right.

I would message the WhatsApp and say so glad I could help, I've got cake etc. Team work makes the dream work.

I am in my early 70s. I grew up in an era when hen nights were rare; "destination weddings" weren't a thing; dictating the colour of outfits for wedding quests wasn't a thing; "gender" reveal parties were not a thing; baby showers for first, second or third babies were not a thing, at least in the UK. The angst and the drama and the expense generated by these things, which have become a thing for some people, is extraordinary.