To still be seething she made a cake

[TheCakeConspiracy]

We threw a small party a few weeks ago for DS's birthday. My mother had offered to make a cake. This was very kind of her, however it's our child's birthday and we really wanted to provide the cake. Explained this to her and asked if she could make something else instead.

Skip to party day, she turns up with the 'something else' AND a cake! Ultimately the centre piece of a birthday party.

AIBU to still be quietly raging about this?

Yes - get over it, she was just trying to be nice and it's only a cake

No - she didn't listen to you, didn't care what you wanted and tried to take over a little bit

Agree with this.

Sorrows, Sorrows, Prayers for those who lost someone but that doesn’t change the fact that THIS mum still alive disregarded what her daughter, the host told her.

Take the family aspect out and I bet many would change their tune and call her rude. It really is not difficult to respect people’s request even more so your own adult child and something as easy as to not bring a cake.

This. All of this.

For the ones saying that this is a case of lifetime parental control, boundary crossing and undermining of the OP, surely an example of many other more serious incidents could have been offered? I seriously think that given the initial explanation, the Op is being extremely unreasonable and childish and suspect that OP banned the parental cake because she wanted a store bought one to impress guests or to show off on social media. The Op's mother did make the thing that OP wanted and this was an additional cake which could have been simply stuffed in the fridge if OP was capable of acting like an adult in her own home. There is a huge tendency to over-analyse and indulge childish or trivial behaviour.

Maybe it is because I am Asian, we live with overbearing parents and I completely agree boundaries can and should be asserted, but with major stuff, not cake please. To seethe over such a trivial thing for weeks is ridiculously unreasonable.

I assuming there must be more behind the scenes as as an extra cake isn't the biggest deal in the grand scheme of things.

I can see that it would be annoying but you should have said that you'd already sorted the cake and kept it in its box to eat after the party. If you made it a centrepiece then you are encouraging her and are partly at fault.

Please don't do this.

My mum never knew my DH let alone my children.

Doesn't make any difference to others' experiences. That's your pain, not theirs

Soooo…if it’s really bugging you next year, play it clever. Enlist her amazing cake making skills to provide the gluten dairy sugar whatever free cake that always gets requested. (I’m dairy free, so would love someone to do this for me)! It’ll give her a task and your cake will always be the main event if that’s what your after.
or realise there are far bigger battles and with all her annoying bits she obviously dotes on her grandson.
Also, unless she expected or put candles on two cakes her cake was just ‘cake’. More cake has its bonuses….! The older women in my family would often appear with cake for parties…they could get through a few!!

I'm a widow, but I've never once gone onto a thread where someone was complaining about their husband and used it to try and guilt someone. My dh might have been lovely but doesn't mean everyone else's is.

Making a cake for someone who isn’t your child = ok.

Making a cake when you’ve specifically been told not to = not ok.

I would have been really pissed off at this.

I would have acted pleased and told her not to have gone to the trouble when I already told her not to and then said I’m sure it will save for a other day and put it away and not on the table to prove a point that she should listen in future.

Um, the OP was the host. Her mother offered and was given an answer she ignored. The OP isn't in the wrong here and wasn't controlling (over her own 'do' at that!)at all

You said no to a birthday cake. I don’t see a cake topped with fruit as a child’s birthday cake and more if a cake for the adults to eat. If she had make a cake with the child’s favorite character on it and a ‘4 today’ then that is an over step, cake fir adults not an over step.

It's how you handle it that makes the difference op. Be prepared for her to do this again and say thanks and then stick it in the kitchen and leave it there. Or cut it up in the kitchen and offer it to the adults. Don't make it part of the birthday party.

I really can’t see the issue

let it go

OP banned the parental cake because she wanted a store bought one to impress guests or to show off on social media. The Op's mother did make the thing that OP wanted and this was an additional cake which could have been simply stuffed in the fridge if OP was capable of acting like an adult in her own home. There is a huge tendency to over-analyse and indulge childish or trivial behaviour.

Pretty presumptuous to assume about OP’s cake and stuff about social media ignoring the fact that OP told her mother NOT to and to bring something else. Unless you can see in OP’s fridge, you don’t know how much space she had if any for an additional cake after having a small party.

Ahhh I lost the post I wrote!

basically it depends on if this is relentless behaviour on her part ignoring your wishes, and this is the straw that broke the camels back (in which case re think your whole relationship) or if this is just one of those things.

DM and DML were both primary caregivers when their kids were growing up. Work was part time/ around kids. Their love language is ‘providing’ - usually food or things for the kids Sometimes it’s HUGELY welcome, sometimes not so much (esp from MIL as she really can’t cook 😂, or DM who provides lots of lovely things for the kids but then says my house is messy and the kids have too much stuff and are spoilt 😭😂).

Hopefully one day I’ll be a granny (and hopefully they’ll live close enough and I’ll get to be involved). And I know I’ll get over excited/ want to help and get things wrong. Hopefully my DC will bite their tongue at the small things as we do in any relationship. Hopefully they will be able to tell me when I do overstep, and hopefully I’ll have the grace to back off with a smile and without being a drama lama (even if I want to lick my wounds).

have a think. You can’t let resentment grow if this is a constant pattern. But at the same time don’t sweat the small stuff.

It sounds like a cake covered in fruit was more for the adults than a centerpiece for the kids, but I appreciate there is probably a history and backstory here.

did the sponge cake have a big '4' on it, or candles stuck in it?

Oh let it go. I learned a long time ago not to sweat the small stuff, and this is small stuff.

Did your DS mind? It was his birthday party, not a chance for you to be hostess du jour? She’s making it about her, but aren’t you equally guilty of making it about you?

No doubt there’s a massive backstory but really, is this the hill you want to die on? She didn’t stop you making your cake? Maybe she just really wanted to do it for her GS? Next time why don’t you actively involve her, or just ask her to do some biscuits/ dairy cakes or something.

I swear mumsnet could have two separate boards, one entitled “my parents/ in-laws are mad narcissists because they baked a cake/ bought I present not on an excel spreadsheet/ explained childbirth”, another “my parents/ in-laws are mad narcissists because they won’t babysit on demand/ won’t travel 16 hours to see us/ have other interests and only want to see their grandkids one a month.” They can’t win!

That’s so rude and disrespectful. I’d be seething. She also knew you couldn’t call her out on it at the party, you wouldn’t want to make a scene or make your DS upset. Which makes it even worse. She sounds like a total narcissist

I'm assuming that as your child was 4, your cake was not a sponge nicely decorated with fruit (like your Mum's) but something child-friendly, so the cakes were quite different and yours obviously the "birthday cake"? In which case I'd honestly not have been bothered. Nice to have more cake!

I couldn't disagree more.

"Deal with" the little things such as not obeying your instructions about cake and you lose the ability to deal with the big things because the person will have come to the conclusion that you are unreasonable and controlling and that all your instructions can be safely ignored as the petty foot stomping of a relentless control freak.

@Zonder I agree

There are other problems here - not the cake. And if you make it about the cake then you’ll miss the real issues.

Also - you won’t believe this just now - but the years go by incredibly fast and it’ll be you wanting to bring a cake to your grandchild’s birthday. And possibly you’ll be the one getting spurned.

Put boundaries in if you can - at least ones for yourself - your mum may pay not attention.

But also think about how you are raising your child to view others - because in the end they do grow up and make their own choices about whether or not they want to see us. I know plenty of people who were rigid about controlling who saw their kids - not warm/ welcoming and tolerant, and those kids have moved away as adults.

I do have a very difficult mum, and I had an interfering mother in law.

But now I’m older, I can see tolerating irritations from grandparents wasn’t actually a bad thing. My kids had a good relationship with their paternal grandparents- and I really think that was a good thing for their development.

Learn to manage your mum, not whinge about her. It’s better for you in the long run.

What a complete overreaction. Who the fuck would be annoyed at their mum bringing a home made cake. We went to a childs birthday party recently and about 4 people brought cakes they had made. They were cut up and served with the rest of the buffet food. Official cake used for blowing out of candles.

I hate the shit of ‘my mums dead so you should be grateful’
my mum killed herself when I was 16 and I adored her and miss her decades later but do you know what - if she was alive she would still piss me by interfering and overstepping the mark 😂