To still be seething she made a cake

[TheCakeConspiracy]

We threw a small party a few weeks ago for DS's birthday. My mother had offered to make a cake. This was very kind of her, however it's our child's birthday and we really wanted to provide the cake. Explained this to her and asked if she could make something else instead.

Skip to party day, she turns up with the 'something else' AND a cake! Ultimately the centre piece of a birthday party.

AIBU to still be quietly raging about this?

Yes - get over it, she was just trying to be nice and it's only a cake

No - she didn't listen to you, didn't care what you wanted and tried to take over a little bit

My Mum is a malevolent bitch who turned a blind eye to me being abused as a child and then excommunicated me from my entire family when I spoke up about it as an adult.

What have your Mum or my Mum got to do with any of this?

OP YANBU.

Jesus Christ. Only MNers are insecure enough to feel upstaged by a cake.

It is most likely representative of a history of difficult behaviour or competitive behaviour from the mother

Cheers Sigmund

If I look only at the surface ywbu. It's a cake. You had more cake. Excellent. Free cake! What's the problem?

But it's not actually about the cake is it? So many of these issues seem ridiculous if you don't understand that, if you don't look beyond the surface. Or if you lack the ability to do so.

So it's actually about a difficult relationship where you feel undermined and not listened to and you're angry that no matter what you say, or how you feel, this person just walks all over you and does whatever the hell they want.

It does sound more like ‘a cake’ rather than ‘The Birthday Cake’ but I do get the feeling of being suffocated by over bearing relatives wanting to be part of it.

I have an aunt who is interfering, attention seeking and I can now see ticks every characteristic for Narcissistic personality disorder . As a child I just used to observe (with excitement) my Mum making home made themed cakes (e.g a fairground with a halter skelter from an upturned swill roll) and then my aunt would swan in with a posh cardboard box tied with ribbon and out would come a glamorous bought cake covered in royal icing and silver balls.

The candles always went on Mums cake. The other, fruit cake, was offered to the grandparents when they came at the weekend.

Observe your Mum’s behaviour, don’t rage and seethe , work out whether she is undermining you or just genuinely over keen, and work out how to manage it and how to hold your boundaries.

why on earth would it matter... just serve it with the food then do the 'happy birthday' with the one you bought, its really not that hard or deep.

Theres usually more than one cake offering at a birthday (birthday cake + cupcakes on the buffet etc...) and a sponge with some fruit is hardly trying to outdo an actual birthday cake.

Hundreds of times.
….. but it’s not about the cake. It’s the mother/daughter dynamics. @TheCakeConspiracy is the child and must seethe quietly so as not to upset this. OP, only you know if her cake was a deliberate act or a thoughtless mistake. Next time you are sitting down with your mother, preferably over a cup of tea and a bit of cake, let her know that you were upset that she didn’t consider your feelings and brought a cake when you had particularly asked her not to. Perhaps she will be more thoughtful in future or perhaps not! I have done things to upset dsd without meaning to but she’s quite good at letting me know, so I don’t make the same mistake twice.

I lost my mum before I was eighteen, she never got to see her grandchildren. My children didn’t have any grandparents at all. It’s very easy to get caught up on the small things( that don’t matter) Your children know their grandmother, and that’s an absolute privilege. I don’t think two cakes are a problem, try comforting a crying three year old, because his friends have lots of grandparents and he doesn’t have any. Celebrate the things that matter.

Others have said it more articulately than I can. This isn’t about a cake but your relationship with your mum.

She deliberately ignored you and tried to upstage you. It worked and you have got upset.

You need to reconsider the dynamic and decide where you go from here.

Me - I would have cut that cake into bite size portions for everyone. It could have been eaten without anyone seeing the original masterpiece.

You will have to catch a grip and grow a thicker skin fast if you are going to raise your DC in a balanced manner.

You really cannot seethe about a sponge cake with fruit.

Good luck over the next 15 years.

This

Oh fuck off with this emotional bullshit. I’m no contact with my mother it doesn’t change the fact OPs mother overstepped. I absolutely hate people like you that project their relationships onto others. Get a grip.

OP YANBU at all. Did she say why she disregarded your request?

I think YABU based on that cake. It's not going to be fist choice for a 4 year old and their little buddies is it? That's something for the grownups present.

Give your head a wobble, it’s only a cake stop being so precious

Lucky kid gets 2 cakes, more for everyone to share, can’t see a problem. But I would have ensured (which I hope you did) that your cake got the candles and the singing and (most) of the photos. But perhaps my greediness (see cake, eat cake problem here) is clouding my judgement. And I am a mum who was a bit upset last week when my 17 year old wanted a bought cake rather than one of my home made ones, and I do pride myself on my cakes….

And still they come.

Slow hand clap for the emotional blackmail. You should be ashamed of yourself.

I’m with you on here, there’s so much vitriol in her to grandmothers, mother in laws and even adult women’s mums, should be called ‘mumshate’ not Mumsnet. What many on here nitpick about becomes irrelevant when your mum dies but they don’t think of that. I get that some people don’t get on with everyone but just think about how you will feel when you become ‘that’ mother, mother in law or grandmother…and don’t think it won’t happen to you because you are ‘so much better than that’ because it will!

Reminds me of my mil. She always bought extravagant Easter eggs and advent calendars and presented them to the kids mega early to get in there first (like advent calendars at October half term). It pissed me off no end because it meant there was no point me buying similar too.
However kids are now grown up so in retrospect I’ve saved a fortune over the years and kids think no less of me or no more of mil for her efforts.

Upstaging someone with cake doesn't make sense. Cake isn't a competition (unless you've entered Bake Off). It's ridiculous to be so sharp-elbowed about "your" cake" being THE cake. If someone else wants to think like that, let them! They're being ridiculous! Why have any feelings about it at all?

Absolutely no one is judging one cake to be the important, superior one. They're just thinking, lovely, a choice of two cakes or maybe a slice of both.

If any guest of mine makes delicious cakes, they're welcome to "upstage" mine at any party I host.

She tried to upstage the OP with a sponge cake? Or with the fruit?

Hard to envisage a simple sponge cake as a scene-stealing "masterpiece".

Mine would do this sort of thing too. I stopped telling her things. Did your child have 2 cakes? I'd have put candles on the one I made

Well it sure as fuck isn't about an overbearing grandparent's feelings either! I don't think as a mother it's overly controlling of me to expect someone to follow a very simple and harmless request. I don't think it's unreasonable to want my own child to enjoy the cake I put hours of love and energy into without complications/confusion. I want my child to have happy memories of the cakes I lovingly made not a narcicistic secondary relative constantly trying to outshine me thanks

It’s just lack of respect. And that’s a big problem in any relationship. It’s not about the cake/insert anything, it’s about a much bigger issue.

And the op needs to make sure she is respected in the future by nipping these small things in the bud. Deal with the small things, and the bigger things never materialise.

I want my child to have happy memories of the cakes I lovingly made not a narcicistic secondary relative constantly trying to outshine me thanks

You and the GP are both missing the point. Isn't the child's birthday about them, and letting them shine? They won't care who made the cake anywhere near as much as the adults involved do.