To still be seething she made a cake

[TheCakeConspiracy]

We threw a small party a few weeks ago for DS's birthday. My mother had offered to make a cake. This was very kind of her, however it's our child's birthday and we really wanted to provide the cake. Explained this to her and asked if she could make something else instead.

Skip to party day, she turns up with the 'something else' AND a cake! Ultimately the centre piece of a birthday party.

AIBU to still be quietly raging about this?

Yes - get over it, she was just trying to be nice and it's only a cake

No - she didn't listen to you, didn't care what you wanted and tried to take over a little bit

Exactly, and though it seems ridiculous to have to state the obvious, this is not just about a bloody cake. More than likely, the op's mum has form for these kind of antics, because a mother who respected her daughter's feelings would never do this.

Alongtimelonely it's not just a cake. It is a living deliberate example of a mother undermining her own adult child. It is most likely representative of a history of difficult behaviour or competitive behaviour from the mother. I have a mother who likes to compete with me; set me up to fail and to 'show me up',. I have had 50 years of that ... I am sad your mother has passed, and obviously you had a good relationship with her which is wonderful. But not all maternal relationships are like thisl Some are deeply complicated and troubled... some of the time; occasionally or all of the time. The fact the OP is still upset - impotently so because she is venting here rather than than addressing it IRL- means that the dynamics at play are complex and deep rooted.

i voted YABU and after reading this I changed my mind, YANBU.

Agree. Reading some of these post, it makes you wonder if they’re as dismissive to the people in their real lives. Would they do the same thing to their own children or in-laws, dismissing their request because what they wanted to do isn’t as big of a deal than respecting a simple request?

I hear you OP! My first child’s christening (first grandchild) I organised the christening and a bbq at our house after. Ex MIL didn’t want bbq so organised a separate party that evening, fully catered, cake, balloons, invited all our guests the works and I was invited to my own daughter’s christening!! 🤣🤣

wish I’d had the balls to stand up to her on that occasion but I was only 21, took a few years to get past the passive aggression, I’d suggest a polite word before you get invited to your child’s 5th birthday!

This!

my mum did it to me once. I had made a cake and she thought it needed “improving” . I said no. She did it anyway.

I was upset.

That said now that mine are older and the magic is not quite the same I let her do it and see it as one less job! 🙂

OP, I understand where you are coming from and you are not being unreasonable to be upset. This isn’t about cake. You had something that was important to you, to provide the cake. You told her this was your priority and gave her a task she could do to contribute, provide cupcakes, which she seemed to embrace. She then brought a cake anyway because she wants to be the center of attention and show everyone that she can provide a better cake than you. The fact that you felt like you had to prominently display her cake or risk her being upset shows that she did it for attention and not out of a wish to be helpful.

My sister is like this. She is childless by choice, but wanted the perks of motherhood from my children. When my kids were little, it was important to me to choose their Christmas and Easter outfits. I liked to choose comfortable outfits that coordinated with each other, but didn’t have Santas or bunnies on them. She wanted my girls in matching crinoline dresses with Santa or Easter bunnies on them and my boys in suits and ties. Some babies and toddlers can happily wear clothes like that and not be bothered. Mine were very sensitive to scratchy clothing and would be miserable in anything like that. While I was usually grateful when people would gift us children’s clothes and happily have my kids wear them (as long as they were soft), I wanted to choose their outfits on those two occasions. This was the tip of the iceberg with issues with my sister, as I suspect may be the case with your mom.

I don’t know if talking with your mom about it would do any good. It didn’t with my sister. I had to have really firm boundaries and be prepared to take time away from her when she pitched fits for not getting her way.

More cake the merrier. It’s goes in one way and comes out the other. Wasn’t there an episode of Hullraisers about a similar situation?

A sponge cake with fruit on - vs - a fully catered function.
Now if you were still seething I’d understand.

This is how controlling, coersive, abusive relationships go unnoticed.

'It's just a cake, you're being ridiculous'

'Great, two cakes, whats the problem'.

It isn't about the cake is it?

What if its:

'I asked you not to give my child xyz food they are allergic to, but you did it anyway as you think you know best'.

'I told you there was no need to give X their dose of Y, because I had already given it today'.

'Please don't give child X because we've already discussed it and they are not allowed X at present/at all/ever for reasons important to us'.

Or other relationships:

'Please don't bring me extra calories, I am sticking to a diet'

'I've already said no to a date...'

'I have already said no to sex...'

Whilst a Grandma bringing cake they were told not to bring is unlikely to result in rape, (hopefully!), its modelling 'this behaviour is OK, doing things people have said they do not want, do not consent to, are not happy with, is ok if you dress it up as 'being nice'.

This is how we get young boys told its FINE to persue a girl even though she's said no repeatedly because 'they're being nice'...

It is teaching (mostly women!) that you have to accept and 'be nice' about things you've already said you don't want, aren't interested in, solutions to problems you've already resolved... because otherwise you're being ridiculous, over sensitive, silly, dramatic... etc.

I have had many many similar things over the years with the mother in law.

At first I asked myself like you am I over reacting? Maybe she thought she was being nice?

Over the years I have learnt she just wants to be the centre of attention at birthday parties etc. Show off on Facebook and buy the kids rather than work at it.

After 5 years with things like her taking them to see santa the same day she knew we were going to, giving them their Christmas gift early because she knew it was the main present they wanted and we were getting it, constantly lying to us about things like not going out in covid as one of the twins is vulnerable, I lost it. Told her she was always undermining us and always lying and I'd had enough. I did not send her an invitation to the party that year and the entire day was lovely without the stress.

I'm sure people will think I am mean. But u will argue back so was she, and it's taken me 7 years of the kids to realise they are only little for such a precious, short amount of time, and I am not letting that get spoilt for no one. They are my kids, and when she apologises she is welcome back.

What 4 year old wants a cake with fruit on it? I bet they loved the cake you made and that's what really mattered. In future I would keep Mum away from any cake making requests, including cupcakes.

If you were seething, you could have taken her to one side, reiterated that you wanted to choose the cake and put hers to one side. However, wouldn't it have been nice for your mum to have made the cake? I suppose this is a daft question, otherwise you'd have let her. If she's not awful at baking, I'd have let her make it.

I'm sure people will think I am mean. But u will argue back so was she, and it's taken me 7 years of the kids to realise they are only little for such a precious, short amount of time, and I am not letting that get spoilt for no one. They are my kids, and when she apologises she is welcome back.

I don’t think you were mean at all. You also brought up a really good point. People constantly say and point out, kids are only little once and parents (specifically mothers) should treasure it as much as they can yet mothers are also told to “let it go” or “it’s not a big deal” when other relatives especially grandmothers try (purposely or not) to dismiss those mothers. Where’s the consideration and the respect which is what it really comes down to.

Thank you for understanding.

I hope when, if, I have grandkids I will have learnt from it and won't ever do the same even if I really really want to because I've had my moment and now it's their turn.

@LePetitChat holy cheeseballs now that is some batshit behaviour.

I'm really appreciating all these similar stories. Definitely don't feel silly for feeling annoyed anymore. However it is hitting home that I need to reevaluate how I deal with these situations. To be more direct and assertive whilst also nice, then get over it quicker. Sounds like treading a tightrope! And not sulky like a PP said. Usually I just make myself busy to distance for a while then the cycle happens again.

Thank you ladies

I don't understand. Use that one to be spat all over when blowing out the candles and eat the other one.

Bosh.

"Both cakes were served side by side, there was no way I could hide it away. Or atleast this is how I felt. She would be really upset and I didn't think it was worth it on DS's birthday."

This is your problem, not your mum's.
You could have had the cake you made/sourced yourself as the centrepiece and your child would have been perfectly happy. You could have just had a quiet word with your mum to say something like "your cake is amazing but I want to show this one first so I'll bring yours out in a few minutes".
Spend some time working on your self confidence and learn how to stand up for what you want. Set the child's 5th birthday as your target for being able to speak up for yourself!

My thoughts exactly!

Birthday cake with the candles and song for the kids, and the cake laden with fruit for the adults.

Oh here it goes… fgs, not everyone has the mother you did!

some mothers are really awful and do this stuff and worse all the time to undermine us.

This thread is unbelievable. Your mum made a cake with fruit not a kids traditional gooey chocolate extravaganza. That is obviously not an attempt to outdo OPs cake, just an addition to the table. All the comments about putting her back in her box and ‘sociopath’ 😂 I’m glad I get on with my mum because the relationship is special so we don’t continuously look for faults with each other.
I imagine the next thread will be I invited my mum to the 5th birthday party and she came empty handed, didn’t even bother to bake even though she has so much time and I’m so busy.

Another bonkers mumsnet thread where something simple someone does gets them diagnosed with narcissism/personality disorder/ a history of controlling behaviour with 0 cause.
It’s a cake. A CAKE. A sponge cake at that, not even a themed decorated specific birthday cake for God’s sake. the definition of having little to worry about.
I make proper, professional cakes and my SIL didn’t want one for her child’s bday - not sure why but fine. I would have made a themed cake for whatever he was into with a custom cake topper and the whole 9 yards - I still made a normal chocolate cake because it’s a party with lots of people, and people bring cakes to parties. I wasn’t the only one. It didn’t annoy anyone as it clearly wasn’t the birthday cake ansd it’s always nice to have options for your guests. so maybe the Mam here thought she was fine bringing a normal cake.
But again - EXTREMELY little to be worried about.

YANBU

It not about a cake at all. It’s about someone who wants to undermine you.

I am absolutely done with people who don’t respect my wishes regarding things that fall under my personal choices or responsibilities.

What a horrible reply. Had the thread been about something actually really awful a mother did I’m sure the response would have been different… but she made a cake. Imagine missing your Mam and someone goes on about how horrible theirs is for making a cake… she was dead on, check yourself

It's not the cake, per se, but the idea that you told her it was important to you to do the cake yourself and she ignored you. The fact that it was a hit just made it worse, I'm sure. She outdid you on purpose, and it was a petty, mean thing to do. To those who roll their eyes and say it was just a cake...
It's true, it's just cake, but please don't disregard someone's feelings about the importance of something just because it isn't a big deal to you.

"Seething" is a bit over the top. "Upset" would be more measured, and fitting the offence. I suggest, should something like this occur again, and it sounds as if it might, setting her "contribution" to the side, tucked away in the kitchen, and saying, "How lovely! We'll just save this for later, since I already have the cake (or whatever) sorted!" Or, serve HER cake up to the parents who are in attendance, and use yours for the littles.