To still be seething she made a cake

[TheCakeConspiracy]

We threw a small party a few weeks ago for DS's birthday. My mother had offered to make a cake. This was very kind of her, however it's our child's birthday and we really wanted to provide the cake. Explained this to her and asked if she could make something else instead.

Skip to party day, she turns up with the 'something else' AND a cake! Ultimately the centre piece of a birthday party.

AIBU to still be quietly raging about this?

Yes - get over it, she was just trying to be nice and it's only a cake

No - she didn't listen to you, didn't care what you wanted and tried to take over a little bit

😂

I'd appreciate it. Presumably the cake you provided was more for dc and friends? Hers sounds more like something for the grownups! Send it my way next time!!!

Mildly annoyed - maybe. Seething - over reaction. Your dc will remember mum being highly strung and seething more than remember who made their cake. The day is presumably about your dc having fun, and that’s all that really matters.

Did you use different cake forks for the two cakes?

You need to practice how to deal with this kind of thing so it doesn’t annoy you.

Eg. Thank her for the cakes, then hide the big cake in the kitchen and only have the ‘birthday cake’ out for singing happy birthday until you want to serve all types of cakes
OR cut into it straight away and serve it up with the cupcakes as part of lunch.
OR freeze the whole thing!

Your DS is so loved, he got a cake from you and a cake from his grandma. Struggling to see why lots of cake is a bad thing!

I don't think her posts show evidence of someone who lacks empathy. She just saves her empathy for people she thinks deserve it. She has a right to do that, no?

I don't agree. i think she lacks empathy from what she has posted. I have a right to think this, no? If she waits to save her empathy for more deserving people then fine but she doesn't have to assume that other people had more minor childhood trauma than her. She also doesn't have to make light of their trauma. We also don't have to make lists in order for her to decipher if we had a more traumatic childhood than her. Like I already said to her, it's not a competition. In relation to joking about me being a pant wetter. I had a teacher that was extremely violent to me. Made me wait behind class to recite my times tables. When I got it wrong he would punch me in the stomach. I was so scared I would wet myself. I could list numerous childhood traumas to her but that is not up to her to decide whether I deserve empathy. By her minimising and making people's feelings irrelevant because she feels she's been through worse lacks empathy and shows narcissistic tendencies.

YANBU
It isn’t about the cake, it’s the fact she ignored you and what you wanted for your child and did what she wanted anyway.
I would definitely be asking why she did it when you asked her not to.

I guess when you've dealt with enough major aggressions, or even normal sized ones, micro aggressions seem, well, micro.

And having dealt with all of them myself, microaggessions add up and wear away at people, even more so when others typically tell them to brush them off because “it’s not that bad” or “it could be worse”, still causes issues regardless.

It’s gets very tiring having someone ignore your request time and time again to do what they want and someone else piping up every excuse for that person because it’s not that big of a deal instead of pointing out that the person could have done what was asked.

My mother has never attended any of my child’s parties. I would be grateful for any support and help from family tbh! We have none, bar a once or twice yearly visit

Third message 🙄

This is exactly how I saw it. I had a mother that would step all over boundaries on a regular basis. I never had children partially because I didn’t want to parent a child like she did. Now that I am past child bearing age, I see that I could have taken classes to learn to parent differently.

You are absolutely not being unreasonable. I had to go NC with mine. She has been gone since 2014. I really don’t miss her at all.

There is often something deeper or more of a backstory to things like this. Your mum sounds a pain. I’m a grandma and if I were asked not to bring a cake I wouldn’t bring one. Simple.

This happed to my daughter, her partner of 18 years, his 60th so she order and paid quite a bit to have it made, told his mother, but she still turned up with a home made cake.

I'd have said thanks, but I told you not to bother. We'll save it for tomorrow.
It's annoying, but not really a big deal. Did your 4 year old care? I doubt it!

Get a grip 🙄

This is absolutely nuts.

My mum annoys me at times but this is just so completely unimportant I can't believe you gave it any more headspace than at the most an eyeroll or a wry smile.

It wasn't even a birthday cake. Who cares?

I’d have liked to have bought fancy character cakes over the years for my kids but my mum has always made them - she is a seriously good baker - I would never have the heart to tell her not to.
maybe she just wanted to make a cake but it wasn’t ‘the’ cake. Which had candles and got sang at and spat over?
mid that was yours and there was just another cake/desert option then I can’t see the problem. So many poor relationships with mums on here, so grateful for my lovely mum. 🥰

Or…you could just leave?

Lucky child, some children get no.cakes on birthday, getting 2 what a treat.

Fucking hell, here it is. There's always a 'my mum is dead, you're an ungrateful cow' retort. As though the fact that someone will eventually die excuses all shitty behaviour.

The op's mother was totally out of order. She deliberately tried to steal the spotlight and make the occasion all about her. The op has every right to be upset.

I'm so sorry you lost your mum 💐
However, that doesn't mean that no one else has the right to be upset with their own mums, just because you haven't got one! You must see that, surely? I'm not being sarcastic and I genuinely send you my condolences.

Don't forget the starving children in the World guilt trip @Aquamarine1029

YABU