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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To still be seething she made a cake

427 replies

TheCakeConspiracy · 18/06/2023 06:27

We threw a small party a few weeks ago for DS's birthday. My mother had offered to make a cake. This was very kind of her, however it's our child's birthday and we really wanted to provide the cake. Explained this to her and asked if she could make something else instead.

Skip to party day, she turns up with the 'something else' AND a cake! Ultimately the centre piece of a birthday party.

AIBU to still be quietly raging about this?

Yes - get over it, she was just trying to be nice and it's only a cake

No - she didn't listen to you, didn't care what you wanted and tried to take over a little bit

OP posts:
Anklespraying · 20/06/2023 02:35

My mother showed up at my wedding with a cake and I still remember it.

She had a neighbour that made cake flower decorations she said, and offered to get her to make me one.

An unknown neighbours cake with a random flower decoration was of no interest, the opposite in fact and so I said no thanks, I don't want a cake or icing flowers.

So she arrived with a cake with a sort of lacy icing hat on it, in a triumph of ignoring my wishes for my own good and made a big palavar about dragging us over to cut the dumb cake.

We cut stood at a cake with a knife for a photo of two people standing by a cake? What is that all about? I have no idea, I've never read a wedding instructions manual and so the mystery of the standing by an ugly cake remains the mystery I was happy for it to be.

Apparently the cake got shoved on my drunk dad's knees in the taxi on the way home and he let it fall in the street when he got out of the car.

She kept the strange battered icing hat thing though as a while after I visited them and she tells me, I saved your icing off your cake, do you want it? This crumbling icing thing in a plastic box.

My cake? That's yours mum, you keep it. She didn't want it she said. Well I didn't want it either but that seems to have made no difference, so I suggested she bin it.

I do think of her and her cake and the strange compulsion to do an unwanted thing. She had a cake at my wedding, but I didn't.

When you have a mother that takes no notice of what you are saying you actually stop caring about anything they have to say too. It's a mutual thing.

Annoyingnamechangerperson · 20/06/2023 02:48

I can see it would be annoying but I also have a 4 year old and if they had two cakes for their birthday they would be the talk of the playground the next day so from your 4 year olds perspective they got double the cakes and playground fame.
could you send your mums cake into school to be shared with the class? Or is it too late?

inappropriateraspberry · 20/06/2023 03:21

Eggs2022 · 20/06/2023 01:29

Another bonkers mumsnet thread where something simple someone does gets them diagnosed with narcissism/personality disorder/ a history of controlling behaviour with 0 cause.
It’s a cake. A CAKE. A sponge cake at that, not even a themed decorated specific birthday cake for God’s sake. the definition of having little to worry about.
I make proper, professional cakes and my SIL didn’t want one for her child’s bday - not sure why but fine. I would have made a themed cake for whatever he was into with a custom cake topper and the whole 9 yards - I still made a normal chocolate cake because it’s a party with lots of people, and people bring cakes to parties. I wasn’t the only one. It didn’t annoy anyone as it clearly wasn’t the birthday cake ansd it’s always nice to have options for your guests. so maybe the Mam here thought she was fine bringing a normal cake.
But again - EXTREMELY little to be worried about.

No, it's not a thing to bring a cake to a birthday party! It's a birthday part, pretty obvious therefore that there will be a cake. Unless asked, you don't bring any food. That's pretty rude, like saying you don't think the parents/organisers can cook or know how to cater. (Whether they actually can is not important.)

Eggs2022 · 20/06/2023 07:42

inappropriateraspberry · 20/06/2023 03:21

No, it's not a thing to bring a cake to a birthday party! It's a birthday part, pretty obvious therefore that there will be a cake. Unless asked, you don't bring any food. That's pretty rude, like saying you don't think the parents/organisers can cook or know how to cater. (Whether they actually can is not important.)

No, it’s not rude, rude is turning up empty handed when going to someone’s house for a party where you’ll be eating and drinking - what do you bring to a child’s party, a bouquet of flowers or bottle or gin?? You bring something useful that will be added to the mix, like a cake or buns or sweets.
If you’re invited for dinner by your friends and bring wine is it terribly rude cos you’re implying they won’t have had enough drinks for everyone?

SoupDragon · 20/06/2023 07:49

Eggs2022 · 20/06/2023 07:42

No, it’s not rude, rude is turning up empty handed when going to someone’s house for a party where you’ll be eating and drinking - what do you bring to a child’s party, a bouquet of flowers or bottle or gin?? You bring something useful that will be added to the mix, like a cake or buns or sweets.
If you’re invited for dinner by your friends and bring wine is it terribly rude cos you’re implying they won’t have had enough drinks for everyone?

Is it rude to take something the host has specifically asked you not to bring?

inappropriateraspberry · 20/06/2023 07:52

@Eggs2022 I take a present for the birthday child. I would never expect people to bring food to a birthday party for a child! These events are usually planned and catered for.
At other parties I would ask before if I can make/bring anything.
If people turned up at my child's party with a cake or plate of sarnies I'd be gobsmacked!

phoenixrosehere · 20/06/2023 07:54

Eggs2022 · 20/06/2023 01:32

What a horrible reply. Had the thread been about something actually really awful a mother did I’m sure the response would have been different… but she made a cake. Imagine missing your Mam and someone goes on about how horrible theirs is for making a cake… she was dead on, check yourself

And replies of telling people their feelings don’t matter and they should be grateful because their parents aren’t dead or actually care is nice and helpful, it’s not.

It only turns into a competition of who has it worse where no one is allowed to be upset by anything because someone out there has it worse which will always be the case.

Agree or not, it’s really not about the cake but the actions of someone who chose to ignore a specific request despite being told how much it meant to the mum to do this for their child.

olympicsrock · 20/06/2023 07:55

But a cake covered in fruit is not a 4th birthday cake. It was an extra cake.

YABU.

Eggs2022 · 20/06/2023 07:57

SoupDragon · 20/06/2023 07:49

Is it rude to take something the host has specifically asked you not to bring?

She said she didn’t want her to make the birthday cake. She didn’t make the birthday cake. She made what she was asked to make. She brought something extra.

The OP didn’t have to put it beside the actual birthday cake with the candles - that’s on her tbf. I doubt anyone thinks a sponge cake with fruit on it was the birthday cake if there was a character cake sitting there with candles etc, it’s a fuss over nothing.

inappropriateraspberry · 20/06/2023 08:02

@Eggs2022 no, her mum made cupcakes as asked and then A WHOLE OTHER CAKE! It wasn't needed, they had a cake and cupcakes. A host knows how many people will be at the party and works out how much food is needed. An extra cake is not needed and wasteful.
If I asked if I could bring something and was asked to make brownies. I wouldn't bring brownies and sausage rolls, because I wasn't asked to!

SoupDragon · 20/06/2023 08:06

Eggs2022 · 20/06/2023 07:57

She said she didn’t want her to make the birthday cake. She didn’t make the birthday cake. She made what she was asked to make. She brought something extra.

The OP didn’t have to put it beside the actual birthday cake with the candles - that’s on her tbf. I doubt anyone thinks a sponge cake with fruit on it was the birthday cake if there was a character cake sitting there with candles etc, it’s a fuss over nothing.

She was explicitly asked not to make a cake. She was asked to make cupcakes instead.

Barney60 · 20/06/2023 08:06

Put your cake centre stage, slice the other up and freeze it.

inappropriateraspberry · 20/06/2023 08:08

I'd have left the mums cake in the kitchen and given it back to her to take home at the end.

Eggs2022 · 20/06/2023 08:11

inappropriateraspberry · 20/06/2023 07:52

@Eggs2022 I take a present for the birthday child. I would never expect people to bring food to a birthday party for a child! These events are usually planned and catered for.
At other parties I would ask before if I can make/bring anything.
If people turned up at my child's party with a cake or plate of sarnies I'd be gobsmacked!

That’s obviously where we differ so, I’d always bring something to my niece/nephews birthdays… I’ve yet to meet anyone who doesn’t appreciate a really nice cake/buns/brownies etc along with a present for the child… my mind is blown anyone would see that as rude

Eggs2022 · 20/06/2023 08:14

inappropriateraspberry · 20/06/2023 08:02

@Eggs2022 no, her mum made cupcakes as asked and then A WHOLE OTHER CAKE! It wasn't needed, they had a cake and cupcakes. A host knows how many people will be at the party and works out how much food is needed. An extra cake is not needed and wasteful.
If I asked if I could bring something and was asked to make brownies. I wouldn't bring brownies and sausage rolls, because I wasn't asked to!

How on earth could you get worked up over someone bringing sausage rolls to a kids party. Do you seriously not see that is the tiniest, tiniest tiniest issue in the whole world. And this isn’t a oh everyone has worse problems so you’re not allowed to be upset over something- it’s genuinely bizarre to me that would register on the problem scale

inappropriateraspberry · 20/06/2023 08:23

I'd be peed off if someone brought a plate of extra food unasked. Specially sweet stuff. It's rude. I spend time planning and organising my child's party, making the food and getting it all ready for someone to just swan in with something.
I always make sure there's plenty of food to go round, something for parents etc, and if you brought more food it's saying that you think my food isn't good enough. I also like to theme the food to the party if I can, so having a random plate of sandwiches or cakes is weird.
Yes, it's not a huge problem and I'd get over it, but it wouldn't stop me being annoyed at the time and seeing it as rude, pass agg and odd.

SoupDragon · 20/06/2023 08:27

Eggs2022 · 20/06/2023 08:11

That’s obviously where we differ so, I’d always bring something to my niece/nephews birthdays… I’ve yet to meet anyone who doesn’t appreciate a really nice cake/buns/brownies etc along with a present for the child… my mind is blown anyone would see that as rude

Why are you ignoring the fact that she was explicitly asked not to bring a cake and to bring cupcakes instead? Of course it's rude to then bring a cake!

Rubyupbeat · 20/06/2023 08:38

@alongtimelonely I totally agree. So many moans on here about Mums and how I wish my Mum was still here.

SoupDragon · 20/06/2023 09:30

Rubyupbeat · 20/06/2023 08:38

@alongtimelonely I totally agree. So many moans on here about Mums and how I wish my Mum was still here.

My mum is dead too. I still think this was rude. My mum wouldn't have done something I specifically asked her not to do.

Jack80 · 20/06/2023 09:34

If I was told someone was bringing a cake, I would have either got a cake my child wanted depending on their age and had two cakes or just have the one cake bought for my child. It is only a cake but we all feel differently about things. x

RachaelN · 20/06/2023 10:00

I had this happen to both of my kids first birthdays by my exes Grandma. But it was a tradition in their family that she made a cake on everyone's birthday. We just did happy Birthday twice and had a great time eating cake.
But if you specifically asked her not to then YANBU. She should have listened to your wishes.

Smilencuddlesthenstab · 20/06/2023 12:34

Narcissistic tendencies possibly? I have a mother that means well but always thinks she can do better. No malintent but irritating all the same.

x

gannett · 20/06/2023 12:54

inappropriateraspberry · 20/06/2023 08:23

I'd be peed off if someone brought a plate of extra food unasked. Specially sweet stuff. It's rude. I spend time planning and organising my child's party, making the food and getting it all ready for someone to just swan in with something.
I always make sure there's plenty of food to go round, something for parents etc, and if you brought more food it's saying that you think my food isn't good enough. I also like to theme the food to the party if I can, so having a random plate of sandwiches or cakes is weird.
Yes, it's not a huge problem and I'd get over it, but it wouldn't stop me being annoyed at the time and seeing it as rude, pass agg and odd.

This would definitely be a you problem.

It is insane to interpret someone bringing food to a party as a negative comment on your own food. That's a perfectly normal thing to happen and most people appreciate generous guests.

It is ridiculous to micro-manage a party theme and get bent out of shape by food that doesn't fit it.

annemac101 · 20/06/2023 13:04

The first rule about being a grandmother is ,you don't go above the wishes of the mother. It's hard sometimes and maybe hurtful but that’s the rules that keep families from falling out. And when the little darlings are being naughty and parents arethere ,you keep your mouth shut. Not my monkeys,not my circus.,as the saying goes.

inappropriateraspberry · 20/06/2023 13:07

It's not normal to bring food to a party unless you have asked them to or they have asked you and you've agreed. You are invited as a guest and are not expected to bring anything. I wouldn't plan a party hoping/assuming people bring food to cater for themselves! Especially a children's birthday party - does anyone really bring food to those?

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