Who is in the wrong - me or DH? (Child care related)

[fedup198r]

I’m a married mum with a young DS. I recently got a promotion at work, which DH and I were delighted and relieved about as we’re about to renew our mortgage and were extremely worried about the interest rate rises. My promotion will give us a good amount of extra financial cushioning which means we won’t need to sell our house (as we really feared we might have to) and can afford the increased payments for a good while yet.

But… (there’s always a but!) the issue is that because I’ve had this promotion, I’m having to spend quite a bit more time at work, doing meetings and just generally being more present on site. My workload has also increased.

As a result of my increased earnings and time commitment, DH and I agreed he could give up his current job, which he has said for years he doesn’t enjoy at all, and become a SAHD (which he’s always said he would love to do) whilst pursuing a passion project of his and trying to make a business out of it.

Anyway, two weeks into my new job and I got home tonight after a stressful day. DH was in a grumpy mood and complaining he was exhausted after a day of looking after DS and needed a break.

I totally get we need to share the childcare responsibilities, but I feel like I’ve had no break at all today - I got up with the toddler, changed and got him ready and did his breakfast. Then I left for work, spent all day at the office in a stressful role (though I did at least get a half hour lunch break!) then as soon as I’m home, it’s my responsibility to take DS again.

OTOH, I’m fully aware of how draining it is to have sole responsibility for a child all day. But I feel like DH got to switch off when I got home, whereas I had to commute, then work all day in a high pressure job, before getting straight back home and spending several hours playing with DS before putting him to bed whilst DH relaxed. Where is my free time?

Am I in the wrong?

Yanbu. He didn't want to be a sahd...he just wanted to give up work.

Nope you're not in the wrong. Unless DH is up often in the night with your son, he should be doing breakfast etc while you get ready. Share the evening load. Who cooks? YANBU

Things need to change.

SAHD doesn't mean dad does ALL the childcare however this takes the biscuit.
If you are providing for the entire family he should at least be thinking of you- not 'glad you're back I need a rest...'

I'd have a plan in place so you agree a scenario you're happy with.

What you describe as pp said is he CBA to work.

If DS is your responsibility when you get through the door then DH has him in the morning. You concentrate on you/work. Also whoever has DS in the evening doesn't cook/clean kitchen.

You could tell DH he's very lucky. I had to do it all including decorating and gardening, maintenance, everything. All my DH did was work and watch TV. Although maybe DH is rethinking this SAHP gig and wants to go back to work?

You aren't wrong at all.

He needs to be getting up with your son, getting him ready etc whilst you get ready for work and he shouldn't be switching off when you get back from work either. Yes, having a small break is fine but leaving it all up to you isn't fair.

When I was a SAHM, I did 99% of everything childcare and household chores related. I saw it as my job. Yes it was exhausting, but what you're saying here is how I thought my DH would feel having done a day at work. So I just did everything at home and with the kids. Although we always put the kids to bed together.

Although DH would help at times with housework stuff if I was tired, he certainly didn't come in every day and then I handed the kids over.

You should talk about both of your expectations now you're in new roles and decide on a compromise you're both happy with.

It’s not our family set up so I’m no expert but I think I’d want to take over child duties when coming home and DH makes dinner / tidies etc so he is doing chores but getting solo time for a sort of break.

(You know you’re a grown up when doing chores in silence is seen as relaxation time!)

I can see how the parent at home is desperate to hand the kids over when the other gets in. And both parents need to ensure the other is getting breaks. So if you sweep the kids up as soon as you get in, that’s for maybe 20 - 30 mins, then you go and get changed, take a short break while OH picks it up again, then you take them again for a bit while he finishes getting dinner on, then you all eat. Then you share bedtimes, and share the tidying up after. You’ve both done a full day and you need to both look after each other at the start and ends of it. Not on for him to switch off for hours, you should both tag team it when you get back.

How did you go from barely managing on two salaries to your husband giving up work and you all coping on one wage? Surely your pay rise didn't equal what DH was earning?

I kind of think that if you have a SAHP, the working parent needs to muck in as soon as they come in, to be honest.

If this was reversed and a man was complaining about having to parent when he walked in from work, he'd get his arse handed to him on a plate.

Your DH is only a SAHD while you're working - the rest of the time everything should be split equally between you - which means mucking in when you get home so DH can (for example) cook or tidy up.

Potentially it could. My DH would only have to earn 12-15k more and we could very easily afford for me to SAH again

To add; your DH shouldn't be relaxing when you get home, he should be contributing but maybe not with childcare - he could cook or something while you spend time with DS. I think that's fair.

This. Plus he thought being a SAHP was a piece of piss. Men have no idea.

How old is DS? I've been both sides of this and with an under five, the day can be totally relentless (less so if DS is 3 or older especially considering there's only one). But even so, there's very little time you can have complete autonomy over or any proper break.

You get a lunch break and commuting time for headspace. Totally reasonable that the working parent takes over as soon as they get it, especially when it's playing as surely that's nice when you've been at work?

I agree mornings could be shared though and if there's several hours between you coming home and bed some of that could be shared. I'd also alternate bed times.

I’m a SAHM. He’s taking the p. It’s one toddler, unless he’s sick or there’s disabilities or something it’s not that hard. Yes, when the kids were little I expected DH to parent/do housework when he was home, but we both got leisure time as well. Maybe not the same amount each day, depending on particular stresses, but it evened out over the week. And I absolutely hate being jumped on for stuff the minute I walk through the door, so unless dire emergency I always let DH come in and decompress for a few minutes first.

I would say though that expecting to combine being a stay at home parent to a toddler with starting a new business/“passion project” is potentially a recipe for resentment- when exactly does he expect to do that with a toddler around, unless by impinging on your non-work time.

You both need to chip in in the mornings and the evenings. One of you plays with DS while the other one cooks then alternate who does bedtime with who washes up/tidies up etc. DH and I don’t routinely have individual downtime until DS is in bed. Obviously we will do evenings solo to accommodate each others hobbies/interests/special events/shift patterns etc. But it’s too much for one parent every night (hats off to single parents) be it the SAHP or the working parent.

Did he perhaps think that being an SAHP to a very young child was a holiday and is now realising that it is anything but?

Not that any one particular job is particularly hard, but it is relentless.

Your DH is taking the piss.

What parts of SAHD is he actually doing when you're still getting up with your toddler in the morning getting him ready, making breakfast and then coming home and doing bed and bathtime?

Is he actually doing the housework, cooking, laundry, shopping, and other tasks that needs to be done?

How old is DS??

And yes, I'd say he had clue how hard being a SAHP actually is

It's early days in this new arrangement. This is when you renegotiate the "contract" with your husband and find a new way that works for you both. It's OK for there to be days that don't work so well while you are figuring it out.

My partner was essentially full time, with a long commute. I'd have the kids solo til about 7pm, then he would come home and do bedtime. This then gave me a break from the kids, but I'd spend some of it cooking our dinner. Then he'd clean the kitchen. So he was working full pelt until the dishes were done. He made a point of doing bedtime every night, because otherwise when would he get to see the kids on weekdays? I think he also did it to give me a break.

You do need to negotiate so you both get breaks, but if you are both trying to spend as little time as possible with your son then you will both end up feeling resentful.

Your husband's FT job is SAHF. He is responsible for all the childcare, the housework, shopping etc. It's his JOB. Your working day, from leaving home to returning, is presumably about 10/12 hours, and those hours will be active, challenging hours with little time to switch off. Your husband has one toddler to look after, no matter how demanding your child is, your husband will get a lot of ME time. He is not required to interact with his child 60 mins of every hour, I bet he's on his phone 3 hours a day minimum. The only concession I think you could make is to agree, one night a week, to come home early and take over childcare to give your husband a night off. If the SAHF has changed his mind, he can return to work and your child can go to nursery or a childminder. Call his bluff, see what his preference is.

Read all the the other threads. A working parent is expected to be full hands on when at home and a sahp is not a maid or a chef or a cleaner. Their only duty is to provide childcare during the hours you work. Any expectation you have beyond that is unfair and is taking advantage of them and they should itemize and charge you for every minute of labour they do.

No, SAH means he does the majority. Best you probably talk this through, but it's not he's SAH until you're at home then you do it (although you should do some, so maybe you do bedtime). I'm a SAHM so I can see both sides.

This thread is so interesting.
Completely different answers if the sexes were reversed.

Unless this is happening every day then I think you're being unreasonable. On my days at home with the kids I do not get a break. No half hour lunch where I can do what I want (go for a walk, sit in silence, adult conversation with colleagues), and no commute time where I have space to run though the days events in my head or listen to the radio/podcast/sleep, read or mindless scrolling on the train.

Some days it has been full on and I need my partner to take over when they walk in the door which I imagine happened here as your partner adjusts to the new role. Other days its fine and completely manageable.

I do think the response would be different if the woman was saying she's burnt out after a stressful day at home with a small child and their male partner complained he had to do some parenting when he got home.