Who is in the wrong - me or DH? (Child care related)

[fedup198r]

I’m a married mum with a young DS. I recently got a promotion at work, which DH and I were delighted and relieved about as we’re about to renew our mortgage and were extremely worried about the interest rate rises. My promotion will give us a good amount of extra financial cushioning which means we won’t need to sell our house (as we really feared we might have to) and can afford the increased payments for a good while yet.

But… (there’s always a but!) the issue is that because I’ve had this promotion, I’m having to spend quite a bit more time at work, doing meetings and just generally being more present on site. My workload has also increased.

As a result of my increased earnings and time commitment, DH and I agreed he could give up his current job, which he has said for years he doesn’t enjoy at all, and become a SAHD (which he’s always said he would love to do) whilst pursuing a passion project of his and trying to make a business out of it.

Anyway, two weeks into my new job and I got home tonight after a stressful day. DH was in a grumpy mood and complaining he was exhausted after a day of looking after DS and needed a break.

I totally get we need to share the childcare responsibilities, but I feel like I’ve had no break at all today - I got up with the toddler, changed and got him ready and did his breakfast. Then I left for work, spent all day at the office in a stressful role (though I did at least get a half hour lunch break!) then as soon as I’m home, it’s my responsibility to take DS again.

OTOH, I’m fully aware of how draining it is to have sole responsibility for a child all day. But I feel like DH got to switch off when I got home, whereas I had to commute, then work all day in a high pressure job, before getting straight back home and spending several hours playing with DS before putting him to bed whilst DH relaxed. Where is my free time?

Am I in the wrong?

Billy’s post is spot on though.

As opposed to yours which doesn’t even explain why OP is BU.

Bingo.

He should be doing the wake ups.

After work it should be 50:50.

Housework should be majority his responsibility.

You need to share the childcare at the end of the day.

sit down and work out how to share the load, when each of you are to get a “rest” and down time. Maybe Every other day dh gets a rest and you take over, that way you both get equal time - maybe an hour after work has finished. Then you both get on with chores etc

It's not very clear whether this is every day or whether it's just one day in two weeks - which I think makes a big difference.

I also am not sure that "several hours" isn't a bit of an exaggeration given commute as well. Most toddlers go to bed between 7 and 8. Of course, if this turns out to be a toddler with a very late bedtime and the OP gets home at 4, fair enough. though I would then question a bit how stressful the job is if she can leave so early

DH and I agreed he could give up his current job, which he has said for years he doesn’t enjoy at all, and become a SAHD (which he’s always said he would love to do) whilst pursuing a passion project of his and trying to make a business out of it.

He didn't enjoy his job and wanted to leave to pursue his passion project, this seems the main driver rather than being a SAHP- not the best idea as its a hard and relentless role.

It does take a while to find something that works for you both, I was a SAHM for a bit and generally when DH was home from work he'd play with DS and do his bath etc whilst I sorted dinner and did some other household stuff; worked for us as we then both relaxed when DS was in bed which seemed fair. At weekends we were very balanced and both respected the others contribution to the household.

I think when you are both at home then childcare should be split 50/50. For example we alternate bedtime, regardless of whether one of us has been with DS all day and the other a stressful day at work.

You should both have equal amounts of down time.

I work very part time.
Mornings are my responsibility, dh gets up exercises, gets ready and leaves for work. I'm responsible for cleaning/admin during the day. When dh comes home (6pm) we share responsibilities till ds goes to bed. (8pm) Usually we have tea then I clean kitchen while dh entertains ds . I normally do bath while dh makes his lunch. And we both do bed time. Then we get a rest. If ds is up in night I deal with it. Weekends are shared. We both get a lie in and take it in turns to do cooking/cleaning. I go to a class one evening a week. Dh exercises every weekday morning . Social stuff we do as and when and the other has ds.

I’d love one of the commutes that is relaxing and like a holiday like some of these posts seem to suggest… that is not my reality and my days at work are certainly much harder than my nwd.

The reality is in many models where the dad is the sole earner, they are not back to do bedtime so the sahm would just be cracking on with that. If the child is still napping, that is a point where the sahp gets a break. I don’t think the working parent should be instantly relieving them and taking on everything as soon as they’re through the door.

How is Billy’s post ‘spot on’?

two weeks into my new job and I got home tonight after a stressful day. DH was in a grumpy mood and complaining he was exhausted after a day of looking after DS and needed a break

but I feel like I’ve had no break at all today - I got up with the toddler, changed and got him ready and did his breakfast. Then I left for work, spent all day at the office in a stressful role (though I did at least get a half hour lunch break!) then as soon as I’m home, it’s my responsibility to take DS again

And Billy reckons on the back of this one day the DH should be commanded BACK TO WORK because he’s lazy?

I am suspicious about this thread but regardless, people realise that if the DH went back to work the OP would have to share time off when the child inevitably gets unwell and would still be sharing the get ups and the caring for the DS? What did they do before DH became a SAHD, anyway?

Two weeks in an your lazy husband has decided that actually being a SAHP isn't a walk in the park and thinks it is 9-5.

Yet on millions of other threads, SAHM's are told that they're not slaves or maids or chefs, and that they're only SAHP's while their husbands are working, and the rest of the time everything should be split 50/50 - especially when the children aren't in school or nursery.

I wonder why it's so different when the working parent is female and the SAHP is male.

My commute is 20 mins of walking where I listen to a podcast then 15 mins on a train when I read a book. I genuinely do find it relaxing! Obviously if you have a drive, it will be less so

I don't understand how looking after a toddler seems like something you both desperately want to avoid doing. Poor kid.

I'm guessing your DS is under 2? So still having a long nap in the day time?

Unfortunately for SAHD, he needs to realise that's his downtime now - looks pretty different to a work lunch break but it is what it is.

I am a SAHM and DH works a long day out the house.

I do all daily childcare and house running, but he does bath and bedtime when he gets home at 6 - if he didn't do this he wouldn't get to see our son.

In the time he takes to do bath and bed, I cook dinner. Then we both clock off at around the same time (7:30pm) and have the rest of the evening to ourselves.

Weekends we both muck in and make sure we give the other person at least a few childfree hours.

Honestly can't see another way to work it!

Trying to imagine a world where DH tries to get DS up and fed while getting ready for work... obviously it can physically be done, but it would be chaos and no way to start the day.

In conclusion, yes you need to get stuck in to childcare when you get home and DH needs to do whatever he needs to do so that you can get the day over the finish line and both relax.

Neither of you is wrong, you just need to work out what works for your family. When I was on mat leave there were days when I’d literally be waiting at the door to hand DS over. Maybe you agree that DH does kid stuff from the outset in the morning (they have nowhere to be after all). Would agreeing that you have half an hour when you get in to get changed/decompress help? Can you share bedtimes either alternating or do them together?

How do you commute? I try to have some good music or a podcast on my drive home as it helps with the wind down. On a train I’d read a book or have music on my headphones. Are you making sure you get your lunch break and other break entitlement whilst you’re at work?

No it wouldn't. Which SAHMs never get up in the morning with the toddler? How many men get up in the morning and do breakfast and get the toddler ready before doing a full on working day if they have a SAHM at home. Nope doesn't happen, at least not regularly.

The difference is that it is overwhelmingly the case on threads like this when men are sahd's, women still carry the mental load and do the majority of housework.

He wanted to give up work to pursue a hobby career and being a sahd is the vehicle for this.

Of course the OP should help out, but if she is already doing the morning routine even though there is a sahp, then she has been sold a pup.

He should be doing the morning routine.
But he isn't.

I would be suspicious that this is not a good move and considering they were looking at possibly selling the house 5 minutes ago, him giving up his job is foolish in the extreme.

And yet @billy1966 you were pretty insistent on a thread of mine once that my DH was an abusive arse because he didn’t get up in the morning to DS, so yes, I’m taking that with a huge pinch of salt

Essentially he wants to biuld his own business. How's he getting on with that?He probably thought it would be a doddle to balance the two.

I'm a SAHM and see it as my role to give my husband as much of a break as possible.

I think there are too many variables to be able to know who is being unreasonable here. How old is your child? Are all jobs done when you get home? Who takes care of organising birthdays, Christmas, appointments, hair cuts etc?

My children are between 4yo-11yo and I do all housework and gardening and make sure dinner is ready by default. I carry the mental load and make sure life runs smoothly. When my husband gets in from work I aim for everything to be done so he can rest (he has a very physical job) but sometimes he'll help finish off dinner or dish up. He'll do homework with our children and we split bedtimes 50/50. He'll do the washing up after dinner and make lunches for the next day if I've not already done them. He'll put the washing on timer for the next day. In the mornings he'll make me a cup of tea and sometimes hang the washing. He'll help get the children ready in the mornings and we make breakfast together. We try and give each other equal downtime but on balance he gets more than me.

I do think that with any change of circumstances there is a bedding in period where emotions can fly and people feel very protective of their own time. Its really important to talk it through. My husband and I used to try and safeguard our own time and play a miserable game of who got the most rest (for years and it caused so much resentment). We've somehow flipped it by talking more and now play the game of making sure the other persons needs are met over our own and somehow by osmosis it means we both get more time for ourselves and are happier.

His job is to cover the times you are at work including the commute. The times around that, breakfast, dinner, cooking, cleaning up, bath time etc need to be shared as you’ll both be tired after a full day.

So eg one of you gets a lie in Sat and the other on Sunday. That way you both have time to recharge your batteries. Marriage is a partnership, being a SAHM/SAHD does not mean 24/7 cover.

No it wouldn't. Which SAHMs never get up in the morning with the toddler? How many men get up in the morning and do breakfast and get the toddler ready before doing a full on working day if they have a SAHM at home. Nope doesn't happen, at least not regularly.

It certainly does happen!

I've seen loads of threads on here from SAHM's whose husbands get up with the DC and make breakfast so mum can have half an hour child free before a "day in the trenches" with no break.

Being a stay at home parent doesn't mean everything childcare related is automatically your responsibility no matter what time of day it is.

Working parents are also responsible for getting their kids up, sorting breakfast and playing with them.

Yes, exactly this.

Sounds like he's asked for a break one day?

Did you get a lunch break at work? Does your DS nap?

Maybe you could alternate the mornings, and whoever did the morning gets to have half an hour alone after work?
DH could cook dinner while you entertain DS, and alternate bath and bedtimes too?

I think you just have to accept that you both so stressful jobs, and there isn't much in the way of breaks when you have small children.

Try to work things out so you both have equal down time.

This!

As I said earlier, which SAHMs don't do most of the morning wake ups and getting the child ready in the morning? Which of them just hand over the child and responsibilities when their husband gets home every night? Usually on the SAHM threads the DH does nothing during the week, goes cycling at the weekends or has a lie in because he needs down time until 11am at weekends and then complains that his wife doesn't want sex.