Who is in the wrong - me or DH? (Child care related)

[fedup198r]

I’m a married mum with a young DS. I recently got a promotion at work, which DH and I were delighted and relieved about as we’re about to renew our mortgage and were extremely worried about the interest rate rises. My promotion will give us a good amount of extra financial cushioning which means we won’t need to sell our house (as we really feared we might have to) and can afford the increased payments for a good while yet.

But… (there’s always a but!) the issue is that because I’ve had this promotion, I’m having to spend quite a bit more time at work, doing meetings and just generally being more present on site. My workload has also increased.

As a result of my increased earnings and time commitment, DH and I agreed he could give up his current job, which he has said for years he doesn’t enjoy at all, and become a SAHD (which he’s always said he would love to do) whilst pursuing a passion project of his and trying to make a business out of it.

Anyway, two weeks into my new job and I got home tonight after a stressful day. DH was in a grumpy mood and complaining he was exhausted after a day of looking after DS and needed a break.

I totally get we need to share the childcare responsibilities, but I feel like I’ve had no break at all today - I got up with the toddler, changed and got him ready and did his breakfast. Then I left for work, spent all day at the office in a stressful role (though I did at least get a half hour lunch break!) then as soon as I’m home, it’s my responsibility to take DS again.

OTOH, I’m fully aware of how draining it is to have sole responsibility for a child all day. But I feel like DH got to switch off when I got home, whereas I had to commute, then work all day in a high pressure job, before getting straight back home and spending several hours playing with DS before putting him to bed whilst DH relaxed. Where is my free time?

Am I in the wrong?

The blatant double standards are crazy. People don’t even hide it. If OP was a man she would have already been called a long string of names and been criticized for being a selfish asshole. The whole thread would just be ripping him to shreds and praising the SAHM.

I domt understand how you were desperately needing the extra income, and as soon as it came dh stopped working?

with your new role and its demands, it looks like it would be better for your dh to go back to work, and instead to buy in more help.

what was your dh doing when you got the child up, fed and dressed before work?

when sexes are reversed, the sahm is usually doing everything. This guy isnt even doing breakfast.

You both need the same amount of down time

Ignore my post above ended up in the place completely

He will manage better with experience.
Looking after the welfare of the child is paramount.
Is your husband needing a break so not to become impatient?

The child carer gets better at reading their own and the child's stress levels. Brain storm with your husband about how to conserve some energy for later in the day. Also work out a fair routine so he gets some nights off and you also get some nights off.

Discuss expectations, tasks and time spent working; discuss his work discription and yours. Realistically the child might need to go to paid care for half a day.

No they aren’t! That’s why there is a post about it. If they were doing everything the working parent wouldn’t be complaining and there would be no post. Those posts happen because the working parents expectations aren’t being met of what the sahp is doing…just like here.

And the responses are never that he has no parental responsibility in the mornings and that if she wanted to be a SAHM then she needs to stop complaining and fucking do her job and leave him alone.

How old is your child? Makes a huge difference.

@fedup198r

you need to have a proper talk with him, sort out both of your expectations, limits & how exactly it needs to all happen for you all to be happy with the arrangement.

it must have been one hell of a promotion to allow DH to give up work & for you still to be better off!

you'll both become resentful if you don't speak honestly about how this needs to work, down to the finer detail.

Two weeks in to your new job? So for two weeks you were doing no childcare apart from the morning? I'd be pissed off too if I was your DH.
After a day at work don't you want to spend time with your DC? Best part of the day IMO.
Maybe start doing after work duty but tell DH to do the morning. I have to say though when I was a SAHM, once DH was home and showered he was on dad duty. Although tbf he enjoyed it and I used to make tea in that time so not just relaxing, so your DH should be doing that. I don't know if I'm reading it wrong but it sounds a bit like neither of you are that worried about spending time with your child.

I don't like to be saying he 'should ' you 'should' do what ever . You are a team and need to make this work, it isn't a competition. You can't walk in however and expect not to be involved and he can't expect to walk off when you walk in each night and just expect you to do it all. I assume him being at home has stopped a mad drop off and pick up for both of you ,I would hope it has helped in other ways too. I would sit down and review how it's going abd decide on a few tweaks if needed.

I expect this will become abundantly clearer as time passes.

getting straight back home and spending several hours playing with DS before putting him to bed whilst DH relaxed.

I agree with you that this isn't fair, and I'd say the same if you were the dad and your partner was a SAHM. There are plenty of set ups where you get time with DS before bed and he gets a 'break' to do stuff around the house whilst you do this; you then both relax when he's in bed surely. Not sure why you do morning routine as well, but if that works for you then fair enough.

How old is DS? What's the plan when he starts school?

YABU

If you were a man you'd be expected to be the main earner then come home and relieve a stay at home mum and also do your share of housework and night waking and so on - according to mumnset anyway!

Also for a family sooooo concerned about mortgage rate rises and potentially having to sell your house - one promotion and you agree he can quit work just doesn't stack up??

So this is one day out of 10 where he has asked for you to step in when you got home? I really don’t see an issue with that.

I think it's perfectly reasonable for you to take over childcare for at least the next 90-120 minutes when you come through the front door. A SAHP may be on their knees with exhaustion at that point and quite frankly most busy office jobs, bracketed by a commute that allows for transition time between work and home, are a lot less hard work than being a SAHP. Your partner needs the rest more than you in that immediate time.

Focus on how you can make your journey home more relaxing. Eg would listening to audiobooks make it feel like more of a break?

But once you have been home for that initial 90-120 minutes, further childcare and overnight responsibilities should be shared equally. Your partner doesn't get to opt out of all parenting outside of office hours just because of shouldering the workload for that working day time. Parenting happens 24/7 and I doubt you are out of the house for 50% of that.

yes you each have equal right to down-time.

I'm going against the majority here - I think yabu.
Looking after a toddler full time is harder than any job I've had.
If your husband has been with him all day, then yes, he should have a break from childcare when you get home.
He should also have at least one weekend full morning to himself as well.
Does he make dinner?

100 percent.

Every thread on here when the woman is the SAHP and says she needs a break with the MALE partner comes home EVERYONE agrees with her and says he needs to finish work and come home and look after his child but this isn't the same on this thread because the roles are flipped.

Work or not the child is still yours and he's only asked you once in two weeks. Why wouldn't you help with a happy heart. To be honest both of you need to work as a team in the evenings

It is a really strange thread. According to a lot of posters, the SAHP has to get up with the child, spend the day doing childcare and then presumably spend the evenings doing housework and cooking.

No, being a SAHP isn’t a holiday but it isn’t slave labour either.

If you were a man OP, you would've been told that:

Being a SAHP is the hardest job in the world;

Being at work all day and commuting is the easiest thing in the world and like a holiday really;

Supporting your DP financially and bringing in the money is a very minor contribution. compared to the person who stays at home all day and looks after the DC;

You should do all the childcare and housework the minute you get in and give your poor DP a break.

However in real life this is why men being SAHDs rarely works out unless of course he's Kevin from Motherland. Your DH needs to go back to work and your DC to a childminder.

If both parents are 'working' busy, demanding and stressful jobs during the day then why shouldn't they both work together on an evening and then both relax when the child is in bed? Admittedly I missed when OP said this is the first time he has asked, perhaps it's a good time to discuss a fair way forward.

The reality is with young kids - there simply isn't a lot lf time where you aren't either with a kid or working.

You need to work out between you how much "free" time exists eg after dc in bed etc and carve it up evenly.

But also - agree with a pp that your husband probably didn't want to be a sahd, more just wanted to leave the job he disliked.

Agreed majority of responses would be different if sexes were reversed. YABU. You're either a team or you're not and bringing home the money doesn't devalue your DH contribution.
This has been and will be our set up shortly again. I agree with dh having been at home and the worker. I'm about to be the worker again

When I'm working (also very stressful) I want to take over parenting when home. Dh 'break' is the cooking and cleaning which is enjoys doing in peace. Much easier than looking after the kids. Being home with them is hard. A lot harder than work imo even if the job is stressful.

This.

There are countless threads on here giving opposite advice to SAHMs whose husbands don’t immediately take over or muck in when they get in from work.

When you’re both at home childcare responsibilities should be shared equally.

(providing of course he has done his fair share of his responsibilities during the day, including childcare and chores)

I think if the genders were flipped and a woman was saying the man wanted to come home from work and relax rather then handover the kids, then the man would get roasted.
Your partner should definitely be taking the morning shift while you get ready for work, but when you come home you should take over.