Who is in the wrong - me or DH? (Child care related)

[fedup198r]

I’m a married mum with a young DS. I recently got a promotion at work, which DH and I were delighted and relieved about as we’re about to renew our mortgage and were extremely worried about the interest rate rises. My promotion will give us a good amount of extra financial cushioning which means we won’t need to sell our house (as we really feared we might have to) and can afford the increased payments for a good while yet.

But… (there’s always a but!) the issue is that because I’ve had this promotion, I’m having to spend quite a bit more time at work, doing meetings and just generally being more present on site. My workload has also increased.

As a result of my increased earnings and time commitment, DH and I agreed he could give up his current job, which he has said for years he doesn’t enjoy at all, and become a SAHD (which he’s always said he would love to do) whilst pursuing a passion project of his and trying to make a business out of it.

Anyway, two weeks into my new job and I got home tonight after a stressful day. DH was in a grumpy mood and complaining he was exhausted after a day of looking after DS and needed a break.

I totally get we need to share the childcare responsibilities, but I feel like I’ve had no break at all today - I got up with the toddler, changed and got him ready and did his breakfast. Then I left for work, spent all day at the office in a stressful role (though I did at least get a half hour lunch break!) then as soon as I’m home, it’s my responsibility to take DS again.

OTOH, I’m fully aware of how draining it is to have sole responsibility for a child all day. But I feel like DH got to switch off when I got home, whereas I had to commute, then work all day in a high pressure job, before getting straight back home and spending several hours playing with DS before putting him to bed whilst DH relaxed. Where is my free time?

Am I in the wrong?

Id also add that i enjoy taking over the kids when i get in later. There's a big difference between an hour or two with kids when you get in, and how wearing it gets when you've been with them all day.

This

quite frankly most busy office jobs, bracketed by a commute that allows for transition time between work and home, are a lot less hard work than being a SAHP.

I just don't agree with this, and I've done both. Being a sahm was easy, low stress, no mum guilt. I got more rest, ate better, got to spend more time outdoors.

So you have a long day..commute back...and yet your toddler is still up "for several hours" when you arrive?? What time does this kid go to bed?! You'd think you'd be dying to see your child and play with them after a "stressful" day of work and not seeing them.

As so many others have pointed out, you're simply in the position of the vast amount of working fathers.

Outside your working day the childcare should be shared 50/50

How old is DS? Had DH fed him? Has he got dinner ready for you?

I think you were both knackered today. It might have been better to share things out - you do half an hour, then swap.

Easiest way to approach things is to think of the time you are both at home as 50:50. Maybe you do mornings, he does evenings. Or you swap that daily. Or you do it in half hour shifts.

But there will always be that time that one of you is too tired. Or both of you. Be kind to each other then.

Sounds like you both had stressfuf days in different ways. When I was a SAHM there were definitely days I did the same to my husband - told him I needed him to take over childcare as soon as he got home from work as I was burnt out and he had enjoyed a nice long break from them.

These years aren't easy but you have to work as a team and discuss how you are going to divide up responsibilities going forward so you both get some rest. But also understand that some days he will need you to step up when you get home because being at home with a toddler all day is more draining than paid work in some ways. At least you get breaks and adult conversation.

Financial difficulties... but he gave up work? I don't understand. Surely 2 wages coming in is better than 1?

Is DC in nursery/sch? I'm confused why DH even thinks SAHD is justified?

Bottom line it sounds like he can't hack the SAHD life and he needs to go back to work pronto. 🙄

When you are both home the childcare (and housework) should be shared between the two of you equally.

This doesn’t sound sustainable. Assuming your DH is in good health I’m not sure why a fit and well man would give up work. Sounds like he thought it would be a walk in the park and has had a sharp dose of reality. He needs to rejoin the real world and start pulling his weight.

I wondered this..

If we're talking - you get home at 6, spend an hour or two playing and putting him to bed, that's quite different to if you have one of those toddlers who is up till 10pm and you're home at 4. I also think whether the toddler naps is relevant - if he is getting 2 hours of nap time, I am more on your side.

I think you just need to talk about it more and get into a routine. And also accept that the reality with young children is that no one is going to get much relaxation time.

We both work but when we were on parental leave (we did shared parental leave), our rhythm was something like:

Both got 20-30 mins in the morning to shower and get dressed child free

Person who worked took over when they got home and did bath time while the other one cooked adult dinner, then we took bedtime in turns.

On the weekend, tried to each get an hour or so of childfree time - for a while we did toddler football and swimming and took it in turns to take our toddler - but otherwise parented together.

Goodness you have 1 child, 2 adults. It's really not difficult. Everything split 50-50 when you're home, whether it's the mum or dad who is the SAHP.

I don’t really understand how you went from having to sell your house to him being able to give up work? Your pay rise must have been epic. Anyway, you need to have a proper discussion and plan about each of your responsibilities. If he’s pursuing a personal project did he think he’d have much more time for that?

To add one thing - from the examples I see around me the thing that is the most important factor in whether having a SAHP works is whether both of you feel like you are equal partners in a team. As soon as one person feels like they are more important it's poisonous.

I do get a whiff of that from your post like you feel like if both of you have had stressful days, it should obviously be you who gets the break because you are more important. I work in a job that can be stressful, my young kids can also be bloody stressful, I don't think you can directly compare the two, but you need to pull together not apart.

If he has had one of those days - e.g. I had a day once with my 3 year old where he gave me a black eye accidentally with a book and then weed on me on the bus - it is pretty stressful

I think you are both being a bit unreasonable while you are figuring out this new situation and that is completely normal.

He should get up with your child in the morning and deal with nighttime wake ups, and you need to both be involved with bedtime (or take turns). Unless your children are in school, your husband may not have very much downtime at all. Taking care of children and the household is also stressful and if his day starts at 6:30am it is unfair to expect him to be still on at 7pm. Spending a day without intellectual stimulation, coffee breaks with colleagues and some alone time during the commute can be intense and lonely!

We have three young children and I am the stay at home parent atm. This means my husband helps me get one child dressed and then goes off to take a shower and get ready for work while I make breakfast and get the older ones ready for school. I do the school runs, chores at home and take care of our 1 year old. When he gets back he changes, eats dinner and then helps me to put all three of them to bed. It seems logical to both of us that he helps out with bedtime. I am also responsible for nighttime wake ups. I am not sure if this is reasonable but it works for us.

To be fair you had a commute and a lunch break- whilst you say you understand how relentless time with a toddler is you seem to dismiss this with him.
it’s tag teaming, come home and help, then take a lie in on Saturday or an afternoon break on Sunday. It’s one evening, help eachother.

Also have to say if you were worried about losing your house seems insane that even with a new job he just gave up earning

OP,

Two weeks in an your lazy husband has decided that actually being a SAHP isn't a walk in the park and thinks it is 9-5.

You need him to get back to work and put your child in childcare.

He's lazy and this won't change.

If this continues you will be backed into a bad corner.

Should you split, he is resident parent and you will be paying for it.

He is NOT sahp material.

He thought he would pull a fast one.

Take this very seriously and tell him it's not working.

When I was on my last maternity leave, occasionally I really needed a break from the kids when DP got home. I'd say this and he'd take the kids for like 30 minutes whilst I rested after he got home from work. Then we'd parent equally until bed. I did all the night wakings at that point though so it was fair.

Now we are both working full time, with me in the higher earning, longer hours job. When I get home at 8pm from work we share the parenting until bedtime (9:30 - we have extreme low sleep needs kids) and very kindly DP never asks for a break despite working all day and then having the kids from 5 for dinner and the madness around that time.

So I think a half hour sometimes is reasonable. Hours every day - YANBU.

YABU and this is a shining example of the hypocrisy of Mumsnet on issues like this

Oh give it a break would you. Ranting, weirdly formatted nonsense like this in every thread

If this was reversed and a man was complaining about having to parent when he walked in from work, he'd get his arse handed to him on a plate.

No he wouldn't. If he said when I get back my wife relaxes for a few hours whilst I do bedtime etc no one would be saying cool that sounds fair. Different it it was a break from child but doing chores such as cooking dinner or whatever.

He just doesnt like being an SAHD. It isnt fkr everyone. I hated it. He needs to go back to work.

In a lot of relationships the divide always falls unevenly. I think it’s early days and with a new set up it’s the ideal time to set the boundaries/schedule for your family:

• I think whilst you’re out working and dads looking after toddler you both work all day from the moment you leave to the moment you get home
• Outside of these times is getting up in the morning with the toddler through to work departure and then post work through to bedtime. A standard day work week creates 10 of these slots - 5 each for Mum and Dad
• 2 day weekends, Mum does one full day and Dad does the other giving each parent a day off