Who is in the wrong - me or DH? (Child care related)

[fedup198r]

I’m a married mum with a young DS. I recently got a promotion at work, which DH and I were delighted and relieved about as we’re about to renew our mortgage and were extremely worried about the interest rate rises. My promotion will give us a good amount of extra financial cushioning which means we won’t need to sell our house (as we really feared we might have to) and can afford the increased payments for a good while yet.

But… (there’s always a but!) the issue is that because I’ve had this promotion, I’m having to spend quite a bit more time at work, doing meetings and just generally being more present on site. My workload has also increased.

As a result of my increased earnings and time commitment, DH and I agreed he could give up his current job, which he has said for years he doesn’t enjoy at all, and become a SAHD (which he’s always said he would love to do) whilst pursuing a passion project of his and trying to make a business out of it.

Anyway, two weeks into my new job and I got home tonight after a stressful day. DH was in a grumpy mood and complaining he was exhausted after a day of looking after DS and needed a break.

I totally get we need to share the childcare responsibilities, but I feel like I’ve had no break at all today - I got up with the toddler, changed and got him ready and did his breakfast. Then I left for work, spent all day at the office in a stressful role (though I did at least get a half hour lunch break!) then as soon as I’m home, it’s my responsibility to take DS again.

OTOH, I’m fully aware of how draining it is to have sole responsibility for a child all day. But I feel like DH got to switch off when I got home, whereas I had to commute, then work all day in a high pressure job, before getting straight back home and spending several hours playing with DS before putting him to bed whilst DH relaxed. Where is my free time?

Am I in the wrong?

I voted YABU, I think it's very normal when home with small DC to be counting down until the other parent gets home so you can hand them over for a bit. I know that's how I felt on maternity leave and toddlers are even more full on (and more fun).

When you're home everything needs to be 50/50.

We both work demanding jobs, I'm a bit baffled at you being surprised at coming straight home to jumping into parenting - that's working parent life surely? You don't get a break until after bedtime.

Yes this. It shouldn’t be all on you though, but responsibility should be shared when you’re both home. If it’s 100% falling to you when you’re home then that isn’t fair.

I agree with this. If the genders were reversed, there would be a chorus of ‘of COURSE, the SAHP should get some child free time when the working parent comes home’.

As I said earlier, which SAHMs don't do most of the morning wake ups and getting the child ready in the morning? Which of them just hand over the child and responsibilities when their husband gets home every night?

And as I said in my earlier reply, it happens pretty frequently.

Men are expected to get stuck straight in with either tea, play, homework, bath or bed. They're also expected to help in the mornings so mum can have a shower etc. while the children have breakfast or watch TV or play.

They may not always do it (hence all the threads complaining about useless husbands) but that's certainly the expectation in my experience.

I haven't seen thar kind of thread where the husband helps out in the morning and then every one says he should take the child when he gets home from work too. No, never seen that.

I don't think anyone is saying that SAHPs have to do it all. But the balance has to be fair and this doesn't seem fair to me.

This is the bit that I don’t get. I work part-time and when I get home from work I really want to hang out with my kids - I haven’t seen them all day. (And mine go to bed ridiculously late - I’d feel even more strongly if they went to bed at a normal time and I only had a few hours with them.)

When I was at home, DH would come home and take over childcare immediately and I’d go off to cook.

he wanted to see dc after being apart during the day and I needed a break from dc by that point. It was the idea of “a change is as good as a rest”.

when we had 1 DC we alternated bedtime. Then with 2, we do one each.

both of us got our real down time once dc were in bed.

I think to be honest that the SAHP could probably really do with a break at that stage of the day. Perhaps you take over for 30 minutes?

This sounds good

Agree with this and it's how it works in our house. We have two, I'm at home for now, DH works.
Mornings, we're both up getting the kids fed and dressed together, swapping baby around to let the other eat and get dressed. DH works, I have both kids. I also do the cooking everyday, so DH does come home to whatever I've cooked that day. Evenings again like the mornings, DH plays with toddler for a bit, spends some time with baby, I usually tidy up when he's doing this, then it's getting both boys ready for bed together. We then sit and relax once toddler is down if baby allows us that 😅 otherwise I'm in bed with baby reading my book and DH is in living room having his time.

Your DH needs to be up in the mornings at the very least to get DS ready together, at the most on his own (when we had one, I did the mornings myself). Evenings yo have to work out what works best for you, you can't both have a break as soon as you see each other, so maybe it's best getting ds ready for bed then having that time? I would hope your DH is at least doing dinner too

Well I've never seen that. Ever. Would love to see a link to a thread like that where the DH is doing the morning wakings and getting the one child ready for the SAHM before going to work and everyone says he should be doing most of it when he gets home.

The useless husbands are ones who do fuck all apart from go to work.

Please link it.

Well I've never seen that. Ever. Would love to see a link to a thread like that where the DH is doing the morning wakings and getting the one child ready for the SAHM before going to work and everyone says he should be doing most of it when he gets home.

I'm not saying they always do it - I'm saying that on every single thread about SAHM's, the expectation is for men to muck in before they leave and as soon as they get in from work.

I see it like this - both parents are working equally as hard - it's just that one is earning money out of the home and one is providing childcare in the home. That means that outside of their working hours, the working parent needs to muck in so that everything is split 50/50, otherwise the SAHP is working a disproportionately long day in comparison.

There may be lots of shit, lazy husbands out there but that doesn't mean OP shouldn't have to parent when she walks in the door or before she leaves in the morning.

Doesn't make sense 2 salaries to 1 anyways not how it works in our family, hubby works but soon as he comes home he dives in with the kids,cooking tea or general housework. Just because a person works doesn't mean there off when they get home. Don't have kids if you can't do both

I am a sahp, I have a lot of friends who are also sahps. None of them get to relax, sleep in, or take showers on workdays. It is not only unreasonable but also logistically impossible since most of our partners need to shower,shave,change and shit before rushing out the door to beat the morning traffic.

Honestly the toddler/pre-school days are the easiest. Wait until they have clubs, homework, projects, playdates, skeepovers, emotional turmoil, stay up later etc. I always wonder how OPs in these kind of threads are managing years later if they struggle with the lack of downtime in the earlier days of parenting.

This

Ahhh yet another man who thinks a sahd means just giving up the boring job you didnt want to do and persuing your interests and hobbies. Basically what he wants is that whilst you are at home that you should do all the parenting stuff whilst he relaxes. and , yes, you are actually falling for this! tell him, he does mornings or evenings including all the meals at those times but you wont be doing both. carry on enabling him and you can wave goodbye to that new job because you will be exhausted and stressed whilst he potters around at home doing fuck all playing with toys that might (but wont) one day become a business.

Maybe he had a really rough day? If it’s not the norm for him, yes you’re tired from work but looking after a child all day is mentally draining. I have 3 and quite often slink off to the garden for half hours peace when he gets home from work!

When one parent is a SAHP, all childcare and house work should be spilt equally when the working parent is at home. Both parents should have equal leisure time.

I think different people find different stages harder.

I find my 7 year old miles and miles easier than when he was a toddler. Yes he has clubs and homework, playdates etc and a later bedtime (basically all the things you said) but being able to have some space from him makes all the difference - like being able to shower and not worry he will wreck the place or kill himself. And much better sleep.

I think with small children you have to accept you don’t really get a break till they’re in bed and the house is reset for the next day. If you were both working you’d both be coming home to the nursery pick-up, tea, bath, bedtime, chores, all split between you until the thing is done and you get your downtime.

At work you do get more of a break – even if it’s just going to the loo without a small person, or drinking your coffee while it’s hot. Even if you have a full-on job, so does your DH right now. You have to accept that a change is as good as a rest, so you take the toddler after work for your change, but then he shouldn’t be relaxing on the sofa – this is the point where he tidied up without a small child “helping”, preps dinner, puts a wash on, etc. Do it until the thing is done.

Mornings should also be a mutual affair – why isn’t he doing mornings?

And where are the posts about how Op gets to have her lovely career only because her DH has sacrificed everything so she can go off and pursue her passions and build her career. That everything she gets to do is just selfishly for her and he is the one slogging away at home caring for the children and doing the actual work while she is off pursuing her own interests. And that long hours are a choice to avoid being at home and doing the actual work required of a parent and that if she was actually a decent human she would have only picked a job where she can be home early and be doing her fair share of the childcare and housework.

Haha ypur dh thiught he could be sahp and have time all day to pursue his passion and start a business?
Reality bites.
If your new income is high enough put toddler in full time nursery so dh can do his thing
Otherwise dh needs to carry on working til school and he has 9 to 3 pm for his hobbby/business

To me it sounds like growing pains. It's been 2 weeks. You're getting used to your new workload and new responsibilities. He's getting used to his totally different identity, lifestyle and work. And both of you are getting used to different dynamic (breadwinner/sahp) in your relationship.

You need to communicate. Agree on what are the expectations. In general I think you two need to do 50/50 when the working parent is home. However, it also has to be fluid cause some days one needs more support than the other.