Neighbours in their gardens, is it cultural?

[Marine59]

Hi guys I have moved to England and have really settled in very well and am enjoying myself and my job a lot. There's just one problem I am really struggling with and I want to know whether I need to get over myself because its a cultural difference or whether it's a real problem.

So in my country people are festive and I believe myself to be too! But where I live, it's rows and rows of houses with very small and cute gardens, maybe each garden is 20m2. And lots of the neighbours (mainly young ones from their voices) are what I consider to be disrespectful - music and television from inside at maximum volume with windows and doors open, going in their garden in big groups and speaking and laughing at maximum volume...

Of course I understand having a good time, but I'm used to people going out for this or doing it inside, and then when outside lowering their voices.

It means when you're outside in your garden you are basically like as if you were in their party. I don't mind noise of course, that's normal! For example my neighbours right next to me, they have barbecues and eat outside, but they really understand that our gardens are small so they bring their voices down just a tiny bit I can tell (in fact they apologised to me for their barking dog which I thought was so kind! It didn't bother me at all, it's just an animal).

I don't want to be a bitch and I'm just wondering whether I need to accept this and get over it because it's a cultural difference or whether this is considered bad practice? Is it normal? I think maybe it is because on my street I'd say I have heard maybe 4 different houses do things this way. What do you think?

@RunningUpThatMill I was confused 😆

Urgh.
No music or radio or TV in the garden. It's crass.
No need to be loud either; we often have friends around for dinner outdoors in the summer months; easily 8-10 of us, and nobody raises their voice. Quiet conversation with the people closest to you. Then move over to whomever you want to speak to next so you don't have to raise your voice.

Our neighbours used to be like this constantly. We are in the middle of a row of Victorian terraced houses.

I don’t mind people enjoying their gardens but I do mind when they decide we all must want to listen to their shitty music on loud ALL day in the summer, regularly punctuated by screaming teenagers and swearing adults. Naturally complete with hot tub, tiki bar and a trampoline.

And yes, we have children but they keep the noise down.

I say they ‘used’ to be like this. Slightly nuclear option…but we had been wanting a dog anyway.

She is the sweetest little jack russel, but with a bark that can cut through glass.

I trained her to bark on command and the second they started last summer I sent her out and gave her the signal. She happily barked for hours the first time until they gave up and went inside with remarks of ‘that fucking dog’. I stopped her the second they came in and started her off again when they hopefully attempted it again an hour later.

It was a bit like training humans, eventually they learned to stay a bit quieter or ‘that fucking dog; would ruin their chill vibe. And they could never outlast her. She hasn’t had to bark once so far this year.

Our other elderly neighbour thought it was hilarious (I did warn her what I was planning before) and will often treat the ‘demon’ dog out of gratitude. 😂

So sorry @TeenLifeMum 😁

I've recently moved and I am absolutely devastated by my attached neighbours on one side. They are thankfully out in the day, but when they get home they put on really loud music that's just awful - played full volume throughout the house and with the doors and windows all open. It's just dreadful dance / heavy beat music (I say dreadful, obviously they love it- I just really can't think of a genre I like less except heavy metal!

Genuinely don't know what to do about it - confront, 'mention', or just let it go. I don't want to get off on the wrong foot (I am pretty convinced there's a major problem in our attic party wall that will need their cooperation) but equally it is extremely upsetting. I really don't know if I can live with it. Absolute fuckers!

It is cultural in a way. In many other countries, especially in big cities, people live in small apartments and socialise outside the home; in cafes, restaurants etc. Whereas in the UK, more people live in houses, often with small gardens and socialise at home.

Then there's the fact that summer can be brief and is always unreliable here, so people get a bit giddy when the sun comes out; lose their normal inhibitions and social awareness and party as if there's no tomorrow - because in terms of sunshine, there often isn't. It's very different from countries where summer is reliably long and hot, people fall into a rhythm, can plan social events accordingly and develop social norms to match.

There may have been recent changes in people being more selfish and less well socialised, for all sorts of reasons.

They all live in my road and the one that backs on to us. Voices that make your ears bleed and it's seems impossible that they could be so loud and so small at the same time.

As for the selfishness, it is rife here too. One house in the next road and about 4 down has that thumping gym musice every morning, and then something on a loop for the children to scream over for an hour.

Summer has become awful, no-one has a normal party, it's always entertainment, often really bad singing. Currently there is something going on about 10 houses down at the back that can be heard over 2 streets, next door gave up trying to have a conversation in their garden and went inside, I can hear it now in the front of the house, they are a considerable way off. We had to stay in the fornt of the house to hear the TV or speak to each other. I doubt they enjoy it more at that level than if it was more normal. However I live in a place where there are fireworks randomly throughout the year, and often after the curfew time.

Honestly in my experience, politely confronting did nothing but get me sworn at.

Having friends over for a gathering in the garden making noise perhaps once a fortnight is okay in the summer. If they are doing this most days they are chavs.

It sounds like the type of area where this is normal if it's more than a few houses doing it. Normal here, there's always someone in their garden. New build estate with lots of young families... don't think anyone is over 35 and most have kids

Well, I am pleased to report that that went better than expected. I did literally stick my head out the window and told them to shut up in the nicest possible way. And they have

Did you offer to help them with their mortgage?

@HappyCamperPup thank you, absolutely hilarious 😂 read it to my husband and it cheered us up!!

@Ellicent so sorry, we are in the same boat. Moved recently , and I absolutely love the house but for this issue. I was more worried about student noise as it's a studenty area, but they are good as gold. It's this one family nearby that are the trouble, and like you I can't decide whether to say something, try and get some intervention or just try and relax and let it go. Hmm!!!

It's partly a class thing. There are definitely areas with well tended gardens and no noise or children playing outside. I viewed a lot of areas like this before I bought my house and chose to buy in a working class area of terraced Victorian houses, as I liked that there were people sitting in their front gardens and children playing. The back gardens and front road can be very noisy in summer. I prefer this, as I don't mind putting up with the odd noisy party or children screaming in exchange for not having to shush my own children or guests when I want to do the same. I like being able to listen to music when I garden. I only do it because other people do it too. I prefer the live and let live attitude.

We’re not used to hot weather in Britain either.2 hot days together might be the entire British summer so people tend to go a bit mad.

I’m currently thinking dd2 might need to practice her violin in the garden at 8am as near as possible to party house. I’m sure they’ll appreciate it.

@User1438423 I prefer the live and let live attitude.

Me too 😊

@HappyCamperPup thank you, absolutely hilarious 😂 read it to my husband and it cheered us up!!

Funny see I thought her neighbours sounded alright and she sounded like an absolute twat! Horses for courses and all that 😂

My logic is you can't say something because I don't these kinds of people care? It's not something that you do and think "oh no I didn't realise this was annoying!". Like for example smoking without realising the smoke goes in their bedroom, or having something that vibrates against their wall or something. To be this loud means you don't give a shit so speaking to them will only make it even worse? Can you call the police after a certain time in England?

My mum's neighbours drive me nuts.
They play loud music in their garden which nobody is actually listening to, and it just makes their kids shout over it. They don't seem to notice that their neighbours on both sides stand up and go inside, shutting the door behind them, when they start.
The dad really yells at the DC, I find it massively upsetting, having experienced DV.

This really isn’t true though is it. It’s been hot where I am for a few weeks, our grass has all died from lack of rain.

Get a pair of headphones and play music. That's what I do in the garden.

This .

@User1438423
Well I'm not too familiar with the different classes and places in England but I do know that it's expensive to live here and the voices I can hear sound upper class to me (but maybe it's a regional accent I am misinterpreting)

OP, It’s both bad practice and normal.

I was brought up not to disturb other people. Talk at a modest level. Not allowed to scream or shriek in the garden or any other public place. Not to inflict my music on others.

But being noisy and inconsiderate is very common now.

You thought the woman with children who tried to ask her neighbours to keep it down and got sworn at, who warned her elderly neighbour that she was going to have her dog bark beforehand and who hilariously trained her selfish neighbours is the twat….but they sound ‘alright’?

😳