Neighbours in their gardens, is it cultural?

[Marine59]

Hi guys I have moved to England and have really settled in very well and am enjoying myself and my job a lot. There's just one problem I am really struggling with and I want to know whether I need to get over myself because its a cultural difference or whether it's a real problem.

So in my country people are festive and I believe myself to be too! But where I live, it's rows and rows of houses with very small and cute gardens, maybe each garden is 20m2. And lots of the neighbours (mainly young ones from their voices) are what I consider to be disrespectful - music and television from inside at maximum volume with windows and doors open, going in their garden in big groups and speaking and laughing at maximum volume...

Of course I understand having a good time, but I'm used to people going out for this or doing it inside, and then when outside lowering their voices.

It means when you're outside in your garden you are basically like as if you were in their party. I don't mind noise of course, that's normal! For example my neighbours right next to me, they have barbecues and eat outside, but they really understand that our gardens are small so they bring their voices down just a tiny bit I can tell (in fact they apologised to me for their barking dog which I thought was so kind! It didn't bother me at all, it's just an animal).

I don't want to be a bitch and I'm just wondering whether I need to accept this and get over it because it's a cultural difference or whether this is considered bad practice? Is it normal? I think maybe it is because on my street I'd say I have heard maybe 4 different houses do things this way. What do you think?

@CoffeeWithCheese

"Became much worse where I used to live when COVID normalised so much more outdoor socialising and people had garden bars etc fitted. Plus the standing around outside clapping after the sodding NHS clap as well - took a lot of people’s filter off, and then of course lots of pubs closed in the same kind of time so places for people to go dwindled. Also then we’ve had this push for street parties as well"

I think you've nailed it. Add in warmer, longer summers (in the South at least, more wfh, and definitely media encouraging gardens as outdoor rooms. Which is also sad for wildly...

Unfortunately it's the norm. Younger adults buying/renting houses. This younger adult generation are mostly selfish, inconsiderate, loud and have no morals or respect for anyone living in the vicinity. I personally don't like this generation and the way many children are raised doesn't bode well for the future.
Sadly builders don't include large gardens because by doing so it reduces the number of houses able to be built on the land. It's all about £££.
Maybe, just a thought, look at another area to live but check the area well first.

Wildlife not wildly

We have a neighbour who is always in the garden entertaining guests, all hours. Family 1.

It's annoying and it keeps my daughter awake at night.

However, I have another neighbour who sits on the paved area in front of their flat right next to the pavement, barbequeing food and sitting outside all hours. Family 2.

For some reason I find family 2 way more annoying because it makes our road feel like a shanty town. Their yard is really scruffy.

Maybe there is a cultural thing at work I think.

From your post, you sound quintessentially British as your use of English is excellent, not at all like a newbie to these shores, so from what country did you remove?

The phrasing conjures up an image of someone sitting in a hard chair in the middle of a garden with hands on their knees, looking at their flowers in silence with an expressionless face.

That’s what made me laugh.

She has said upthread she’s french. Not sure she’s still on the thread now, probably exhausted reading all these posts and trying to decide if it’s cultural or not.

I am glad that people are enjoying their gardens in the sunny weather we’ve been having but they do need to be considerate of their neighbours and keep their voices down. I am reminded of an essay we were given when I was at school: ‘ Speech is silver, but silence is gold. Discuss’.

I dno't know whether I find it heartening that so many people think we should try to keep noise down, or disheartening that so many people are being driven mad that their neighbours don't.

the man who lives next door to me must be in his 40s but he is silly and selfish like a very young man. I think it's to do with his constant cannabis smoking, it makes him childish and inconsiderate. Before he moved there was no one here like him and now he brings all his stupid loud overgrown thuggish kid men to his house every afternoon / evening. So I don't know what the point is of moving, because someone like this could move in next door to you wherever you are. he certainly did not look around the place and see loads of shirtless men bellowing in back gardens over massive spliffs and think "great, kindred spirits, this is the place for me". Because he is the only one.

Ever since he moved he has been pushing me over something or other. I think I mind the sound more because it reminds me that he resents me for not giving in to all the pressure over various things.

Sorry to have to tell the OP this but she lives in a trashy neighbourhood, simple as.
The interesting question is how, when you are buying a house, do you weed out the trashy neighbourhoods from your search. Obviously price acts as a filter, but not always. And social housing in an area is usually a big “avoid” sign. I’m wondering what the MN list of tell-tale signs you shouldn’t go live in a particular area might be. (Old furniture in the garden? Obviously only feral beasts live there, for example).
If you are thinking of buying a house, there is a lot to be said for sitting in your car on the street for a couple of hours on a Saturday or Sunday afternoon and an hour or so around 11pm on a Saturday night. Get out, walk around, listen for radios, TVs, quarrels, watch for recklessly driven cars, people hanging around, etc. Sadly this doesn’t help people who already have a house in an area that is slowly being trashed by an influx of riff-raff. Basically England is getting steadily worse since nobody seems to have been taught the most basic good manners since 1968, but that’s the society the English seem to want to live in.

I think there's a lot of "free for all" ideas about gardens anyway in recent years. Fortunately, I don't live in an area of noisy garden socialising and can only think of one household who do garden socialising and the one and only thing they do do correctly is that socialising isn't noisy at any rate. But in my area garden-grabbing is the thing and I've rather lost count of just how many houses round here have gone in for garden grabbing (ie trying to steal someone else's land) and I've had a neighbouring house stealing a bit of my garden (all officially at that....!!!) and have had to fend off various other neighbours trying to grab for my garden or grab for our communal land. So - I guess we've just got a thing in this country that gardens aren't regarded as sacrosanct as they ought to be (for the record - I'm in West Wales and think that may be a part of the country where garden-grabbing is the particular form of antisocial behaviour most likely here from my experience).

It's the same mindset as people who drop litter, or don't pick up dog poo, or who don't wear headphones in public or sit in a car with the engine running etc etc, it's people who don't give a fuck how their actions impact others

‘Anti-social picnics?!’ Never heard that one before. Out of control dogs I get but being annoyed about other people enjoying the countryside as well as you is the epitome of entitlement.

I blame Alan Titchmarsh.

Really, I do. I am sure it was him - back in the 90s/00s - that started everyone thinking about their garden as an "outside room". About the same time as thge rise of an "outside kitchen".

It may be more common now but I think it is rude to, on a regular basis, make a lot of noise for several hours. Moderation, I think, is the key - but some people just don't care how their behaviour impinges on other people's lives.

I live in France and I do think, generally speaking, the french are a little more considerate of the noise they make and how it affects neighbors. Not all of them obvs but as a general rule.

Depends when it is and how loud really. It has been nice warm weather recently and we are using our garden as are our neighbours. I can hear their noise and I'm sure they can hear ours, but it isn't hugely loud and has died down by 9-10 pm at the latest.

It is difficult to tell if this is a culture shock for OP or genuine antisocial behaviour. I get it, in France it is more common for people to head out to socialise but that is not always how it is done here, particularly in the current cost of living crisis.

Don’t evert move to Spain if you think the English are noisy lol! People are shouting at 3am on a Monday evening and then again at 6am. It’s horrific. I think in the U.K. people do tend to sleep at a reasonable time, during the week at least, so that’s one saving grace! If this is going on really late say something. During the day and until 10pm, I don’t think you can do much about it really. People are just enjoying the weather.

We unfortunately have a neighbour who sits with her family in her dressing gown shouting because she is deaf in her front garden when it’s not raining they are horrid. We have disrespectful neighbours that have dogs barking because they aren’t walked or their owner sits inside and doesn’t stop them or the dogs ignore them.

@YDBear quite!

(Working on the basis you’re not being facetious 😁)

I think it’s a covid thing. We have all been encouraged to socialise outside and people are still doing it. My neighbours are noisy in their garden all the time and I feel like I can’t go out in my garden. Its horrible.

I think it just where your from. I moved from london where I was use to the noise. And found it hard in the beginning with the quietness. I've got children and to be fair I don't mind the noise when putting them to bed (I don't want to be sneaking around everythime they are asleep! So rather they get use to it, to a certain degree!) But I'm a person if Im Tired ill sleep through anything. So I'll say if you get a chance move to a quieter area. Of I'm having a lil party that may possible go on late I always inform neighbours and they are usually fine. (I'm happy for them to pop by too)

I have Italian relatives and whenever we have visited we have enjoyed meals and evenings sitting outside , inside can be too warm in the summer, trestle tables are set up outside and you sit in the shade from the late afternoon onwards , I would say most European countries are like this .

Not being facetious. Mean every word.

With the temperatures rising in the UK and houses being designed to keep heat in, I think the outside lifestyle is becoming more common - it's just too hot to sit inside sometimes!

That said, people really should be mindful of their neighbours and not disturbing them.

We often eat our dinner outside in summer because it's cooler, but we don't have the TV or music blasting for the neighbours to hear.