I'm just too tired for my DH and I know it's going to blow up again soon

[gogaah]

I've recently returned to work from maternity leave. ( new job ).

I've got child care covered for my 1 and 3 year old.

My H is self employed, extremely busy and out of the house or on business trips, most of the time.

He's never there for getting the kids up in the morning or dinner / bed time at night. I work from home only, which does help.

H is here for 1 day at the weekend with us and occasionally 2 days. He's on business trips a lot, that take him away for 1 week at a time.

Anyhow, even when he is here- he doesn't get in until after the kids have gone to bed. Ever.

This would all be fine, but the kids have been torturing me recently at night time. The one year old wakes a couple of times a night and the 3 year old sometimes wakes up and is just awake for a few hours and keeps wanting me to soothe her back to sleep. To say I am shattered is an understatement.

I often fall asleep with them at 8-8:30. My husband gets annoyed if I do this too often, because he wants to be entertained / see me too. I'm finding it so difficult. I dread him coming home and just wish I didn't need to worry about him too.

I've been unwell recently a lot too and it's just a lot for me to keep going. At the weekends I also have no energy, especially when I'm alone with them. I don't take them out nearly enough, because it's so exhausting for me. Anyway, it's been a tough couple of weeks. Early bed times for me, no intimacy for my husband and just generally pulling through somehow.

I can accept life is like this at the moment. The only thing dragging me down is my H complaining about how he never sees me/ I'm never intimate with him and how he's just eating dinner alone a lot.

But his schedule can't change right now and neither can mine. So why can't he just accept that this is the sacrifice that has to be made for now ? Unless he closes his business ? We haven't argued a lot lately and I'm feeling like soon he's going to blow up about it again. I just don't feel at peace.

You must be beyond tired. You're working plus doing all the care for your dc for almost every day.

Have you explained to your dh how tiring it is? Surely he must be able to understand that you’re exhausted and that's why you're going to sleep sp early. He has needs too of course but does he have empathy for how you're feeling right now? Can you discuss this?

How could I tell this was going to be about sex, from the very first words.

Your DH is selfish. Can he cut his hours at all?

Is intimacy only for his benefit? Urgh, what kind of an ugly man shouts at his wife about lack of sex?

Perhaps he should look at a career change, as it's his work that is primarily causing the issue here. I am serious.

Sorry OP, but he's coming across as a bit of a dick here. He's making no effort at all to understand how hard things are for you right now.

Yeah. The fuck does he want to “spend time with you” - he wants sex. I’d blow right up back at him.

He claims he knows. But he's just getting tired of it. Thinks we should just 'get on with it'. Apparently I'm just a zombie now and he feels like he's lost his wife.

Could you try couples counselling OP? It might help to discuss this with a third party present.

Awful situation - you do 100% of childcare and house stuff and have a new job. He pops in occasionally to whinge about a lack of 'intimacy'. What's his job? Feel sorry for the children too if their dad sees so little of them.

Tell him straight that you’re exhausted and if he wants things to change he has to change them. End of.

He would be getting a very frank explanation of the situation from me if he was my DH.

He's completely against it. I have suggested it several times.

Perhaps if he picked up the (his) slack his wife wouldn't be a zombie anymore. I'm sorry you're in this situation.

He sounds like a dick, sorry

Is he making big money, working all these hours and doing all these trips (I should hope so)?

If yes, use it to get some paid help at home?

He's home today. I was up 3 hours (at least ) during the night. Got straight up at 7 with my youngest. He got up at 10 am. Had breakfast, left a mess in the kitchen and out in the garden to do man work. I've got piles of laundry to do/ cooking for my family and I just don't have the energy. Plus my 1 year old is teething, so I can't even put him down to do stuff without him screaming his head off anyway.

It's been like this for weeks. I'm sure tonight it will blow up if I don't do what he wants me to do. My grace period has expired

Well perhaps you need to have that fight, except instead of waiting for him to blow up as you say (what does that entail btw?) the next time he gives you a hard time, tell him to fuck off.

You do 100% of everything while working FT, of course you're tired. If he doesn't like it, he can get a new job. If he's not willing to do that, he can shut the fuck up.

Sorry but I have no patience for husbands who do nothing around the house and then complain THEIR needs aren't met. They're just selfish twats.

We both make money and I do have help. But it's still a lot.

I'm sure tonight it will blow up if I don't do what he wants me to do. My grace period has expired

What am I even reading. Who the fuck does he think he is??

Again, tell him to FUCK OFF

He is a terrible husband. You don't have to accept this.

Honestly I wouldn't even mind doing everything. But like you say, it's him. His needs aren't met. And he complains about it all the time. He's so miserable and eventually blows up.

Perhaps it's time that you went away for a couple of nights and left him to experience exactly what it takes to do what you do every day.

Let's see what happens when it's you that has to go on a business trip.

so basically if you don’t have sex he is going to blow up.

.what does he bring to your life apart from stress and more work. Let him blow and tell him that you don’t want to and that he needs to offer solutions

Hahaha I did go away not long ago and he did comment that it was hard.

Oh but OP, why don't you mind doing everything? Do you think that's ok? It's really not. You should be a team.

If you have to do everything yourself then you might as well do it on your own and not have some emotionally coercive man draining your last will to live.

Why does he get to sleep in until 10am when you're up in the night AND up at 7am?!? And not even tidy up after himself?!

You need to agree what needs doing on the weekend and share the load fairly - that means real priorities, not him getting to disappear into the garden or shed while you do it all. He needs to get up early as he gets unbroken sleep all week long and he needs to spend some quality time with the kids.

Try to talk it through before it blows up but either way he's being entirely unreasonable

And ask him if he realises that pressuring a woman into sex when she doesn't want to is coercive behaviour? Tell him there are other words for it too but let's not go there...

You know what.. it's fair enough for me to go to bed really early again tonight.

I need it. So unlucky for him. No down time with me again.

But you're his wife, not his slave. You should be equals. If he's treating you as if your existence is purely to meet his needs then you have far bigger issues. He sounds like a petulant child refusing counselling and just coercing you into giving him what he wants.