I'm just too tired for my DH and I know it's going to blow up again soon

[gogaah]

I've recently returned to work from maternity leave. ( new job ).

I've got child care covered for my 1 and 3 year old.

My H is self employed, extremely busy and out of the house or on business trips, most of the time.

He's never there for getting the kids up in the morning or dinner / bed time at night. I work from home only, which does help.

H is here for 1 day at the weekend with us and occasionally 2 days. He's on business trips a lot, that take him away for 1 week at a time.

Anyhow, even when he is here- he doesn't get in until after the kids have gone to bed. Ever.

This would all be fine, but the kids have been torturing me recently at night time. The one year old wakes a couple of times a night and the 3 year old sometimes wakes up and is just awake for a few hours and keeps wanting me to soothe her back to sleep. To say I am shattered is an understatement.

I often fall asleep with them at 8-8:30. My husband gets annoyed if I do this too often, because he wants to be entertained / see me too. I'm finding it so difficult. I dread him coming home and just wish I didn't need to worry about him too.

I've been unwell recently a lot too and it's just a lot for me to keep going. At the weekends I also have no energy, especially when I'm alone with them. I don't take them out nearly enough, because it's so exhausting for me. Anyway, it's been a tough couple of weeks. Early bed times for me, no intimacy for my husband and just generally pulling through somehow.

I can accept life is like this at the moment. The only thing dragging me down is my H complaining about how he never sees me/ I'm never intimate with him and how he's just eating dinner alone a lot.

But his schedule can't change right now and neither can mine. So why can't he just accept that this is the sacrifice that has to be made for now ? Unless he closes his business ? We haven't argued a lot lately and I'm feeling like soon he's going to blow up about it again. I just don't feel at peace.

What happens when he blows up?

Perhaps you should blow up first?

Or just invite him to leave, if hes not happy.

He sounds like a selfish twat. Two little ones - that's hard. But you're right it's not forever. Shame he's making it even harder.

I was in the exact same situation until 3 years ago, left my partner of 16 years because he was never home and when he did come home at 9pm every night he expected me to entertain him/have sex with him despite the fact I was looking after 3 kids in my own almost 100% of the time and was absolutely exhausted. I just couldn’t deal with him huffing and moaning any more while he refused to see how difficult my life was.

we have been separated 3 years although he hasn’t exactly stepped up and become father of the year, I do now have EOW to myself which is like a dream come true after 12 years of single handed parenting! I also get peace to do what I want in the evening including going bed when I feel like it so it’s been worth it.

I was you 15 years ago. I even posted a thread about it.

I tried to make him understand, he didn't. I tried to keep it together and coped, until I just couldn't anymore. Youngest was 14 years old when I ended the marriage, and by then I was nearly dead.

If he refuses to listen and take you seriously, please be very careful. Don't do what I did and just keep coping.

He sounds horrible OP. He’s an absolute arsehole.

I’m honestly baffled as to how shitty men like this come about.

I would be telling him to just fuck off.

Exactly. It's not forever. I know our intimate relationship isn't ideal right now. But it's a marriage and in my eyes, when we are both less stressed and have a little bit more downtime, things will improve. I can already see my 3 year old ( although not easy ), it's so much easier than a 1 year old! She can be left for short periods ( in the living room ) while you go to the loo for example. I know it sounds silly, but it improves your quality of life hugely if you don't need to somehow negotiate every wee.

Same with doing cooking / emptying dishwasher. She'll happily play on her own / watch TV while I get stuff done. The little one is just always following me around crying, with his arms stretched out to be picked up. It's very taxing. Once he gets a little older ( even 2ish ) things will get a bit easier.

Op I'm a lone parent. Yes it's hard but honestly I don't have to be a support human to a man like your husband so I guess my life is probably more peaceful on reflection.

@ThanksAntsThants23 I left my first husband when I was 28 for the same. Used to meet mates at pub 3 or 4 times a week , bang around when he got in at 11.30 and I was asleep and then expect sex.

Tell him you know how to fix the intimacy issue:
Pick a weekend when he is going to be home, and book yourself into a hotel for the weekend. Preferably a nice one, with a spa. Just for you. Go and sleep, read, swim, have a massage, eat an uninterrupted meal. It'll be bliss!

He gets to stay home (as you do every time he is on a business trip), look after the kids, and manage the household for the weekend on his own - no getting help from grandparents etc, he needs to do this himself. He doesn't even have to manage his own work as well, just the house and kids.

If your husband is in any way a decent man then, by the time you get home, the house will look like a bomb site, but he will have found a new level of understanding and respect for you, and you can then have a proper conversation about what needs to change. If he hasn't had this revelation (or tries to have a go at you for going away) then this is not fixable and you will need to start getting your ducks in a row.

At the moment, he has absolutely no clue how exhausted you are, because he's never had to do what you're doing. He's fixated on his own work and life which has become very different to yours. It sounds as though he has had very little (if any) solo care of the children, and that needs to change.

I had similar issues with DH when DS was little, and we finally fixed it when I had a weekend away at a Hen party and DS got chicken pox (so DH couldn't take him to his mum's, as FIL was having chemo at the time). By the time I got back DH had finally understood how exhausting it was having to run the household and care for a toddler who didn't sleep well, and I was feeling much better after a lovely weekend at a spa hotel. We got back to working as a team, and our relationship got back on track.

Do the kids even know who he is?

Because most men are selfish bastards who only care about their own needs is why.
No doubt there will be a shower of 'not all men' but looking at the posts on here it's an awful lot of them.
Ask him how HE intends to sort this situation out.

So why does he think 5 nights of full sleep meals cooked for him etc and he comes home and expects you to be at his beck and call? Your children are yojng, he should be getting up with them to let you rest. Do not do it all or this will never change. How bloody selfish he is. He’s not knackered because he’s not there. I don’t know how a loving husband could come home to an obviously tired and worn out wife and complain he’s not getting sex shocking it really is. He needs to step up massively stop letting him walk all over you, I know it’s hard when you’re tired/exhausted but it’ll erode the relationship until you resent him massively if you don’t already

I would say your need for sleep trumps his want for sex.
He sounds incredibly selfish and not even willing to pitch in and give you a lie in when you've been up for 3hrs in the night so he doesn't get to feel aggrieved.

I think you might be being little bit unreasonable OP althoughI I accept that life is almost impossible when you are completely exhausted.

Let's leave sex out of it because that isn't your DH's only complaint, but as soon as you mention your DH whining/sulking about sex you know MN will be on your side.

Assuming there are other problems in your relationship with your DH, why not try and work on them? Wouldn't it be a start to do something as a family this weekend?

Tell him he needs to be a partner in life and not simply another chore, because you don't need any more chores on top of what you're already doing.

If he really wants you to be actively engaged in your marriage, he needs to help you make space for rest and for downtime within your current schedule so that you feel like spending time with him. In your situation, I would prioritise rest and sleep every time.

And I disagree that he doesn't know how exhausted you are. He knows, but he doesn't care because he makes a choice to prioritise his wants over your wellbeing.

Suggest you swap. He does all the homework/cooking/laundry/feeding DC/bathing DC/bedtime for DC after his work and you’ll arrive late in the evening and complain.

It's not a need, it's a want and you're not a wank sock.

Grace period, my arse.

@ClematisWren wise words! Good bit of learning

I suppose it all comes down to how much you love him.. And can you see yourself still loving him in 3, 10, 20 years time? Is this relationship worth that effort?

I was in a similar situation although different, I did leave him and I'll never forget the peace I felt moving into my own bedroom knowing that I could do things my way without the extra layer of pressure about what he wanted or needed or thought about. The reduced mess / laundry/ cooking created by caring for one less human helps!

It's not easy parenting alone. However, like all things with parenting a bit of practise and it gets much easier , You find ways to cope. Plus as you say as the kids get older it is easier to look after them. I've got 4-year-old and an 8-year-old at the moment and the little one helps out with little Jobs like getting the milk bottles from the doorstep. Whereas the older one Will empty the dishwasher etc - both for bribes of pocket money obviously!!

Journalling helped me to clarify my thoughts. Also counselling and calling the Samaritans to talk things through. I would insist on leaving the house for a walk on the weekends and would disappear to top of nearby hilltop. He couldn't really deny me that, even that short time I'd come back to a bombsite.. Sometimes I'd just sit in the car - and do the writing/ talking/ thinking I needed to work it out.

I’d tell him if he wants things to change he either needs to pull his weight far more with the kids or get you a nanny to help you. Tell
him that if you left him he’d have to look after the kids far more then he does now!! What an arsehole

I'd also be "very frank". You are probably too tired to rip his head off and shove it up his selfish arse though, OP.

"Apparently I'm just a zombie now and he feels like he's lost his wife."
Of course you're a zombie, that's what sleep deprivation does to you! This stage is temporary, and if he wants to not be a total dick, he should be using his one day at home to ensure that you get that one night of unbroken sleep. Not only will the save your sanity, you might even be able to function above zombie level. This selfish fucker is getting 5/6 nights unbroken sleep in a lovely hotel room, I presume? So he's well able to do THIS ONE THING to support you.

"It's been like this for weeks. I'm sure tonight it will blow up if I don't do what he wants me to do. My grace period has expired"
Pre-empt the bastard. Blow up at him, tell him you feel as if you've lost your husband as he's been replaced by a selfish arsehole who looks just like him, it's like living in Invasion of the Body Snatchers and you want your husband back.

Hand the care of HIS children over to him and GET SOME SLEEP. If you have to go to a hotel to ensure an unbroken night, so be it. In fact, it would be better for you to do so. You need to get some sleep. It's probably at the bottom of your recent ill-health, you're running on empty.

I dread him coming home and just wish I didn't need to worry about him too

Read what you wrote. Read it again and again.
This sentence sums up the entire thing.

My grace period has expired

WTF? Is he calling it a grace period, or is that your description of how you feel about it?
Because if he has been calling it a "grace period" he should be out the fucking door.

H complaining about how he never sees me/ I'm never intimate with him and how he's just eating dinner alone a lot

He never sees you because he isn't home enough to see you. He has to eat dinner alone because he isn't home at a suitable time to eat with you. And as for whining about you not being intimate, what the actual fuck does he expect. He is doing nothing at all at home. He's basically checked out of family life.
Notice he is complaining about not seeing you as opposed to complaining about not doing anything exciting with the kids on a weekend.

He also won't go to couples counselling. He is doing absolutely nothing to improve the situation.

Quite frankly, I would have to leave him. What the fuck difference would it make? You probably would barely notice he isn't there any more.

Hasn't his selfish behaviour given you the ick anyway?

If he blows up then tell him calmly that you can't do anymore than you are and if he wanted sex then HE should have got up with the kids, done the laundry and fed the kids so that YOU could get up at 10 and then just go in the garden and do what you wanted.

What an asshole.

You haven't mentioned a single thing he does with the kids.
Does he even know them?!
Can he not get up in the morning with them? Entertain them? Take them out while you get a lie in at least?
Not all men are like this. Most guys I know who are dad's with 'important jobs' will still get up Saturday morning with kids. He can take them out for breakfast, come back home and have picked up something for you when you get up. Or take em out to the park or a play centre. Give you a couple hours in the morning. You can get up late, potter about or even do prep for tea that night.
The fact that he does none of this is diabolical.
This isn't the stone ages. You didn't have children to be a single parent. But you're living the life of one.
Maybe if he helped out you'd actually have the time and energy to consider intimacy

Give up work ? A big no no on MN. Hire a housekeeper?