I'm just too tired for my DH and I know it's going to blow up again soon

[gogaah]

I've recently returned to work from maternity leave. ( new job ).

I've got child care covered for my 1 and 3 year old.

My H is self employed, extremely busy and out of the house or on business trips, most of the time.

He's never there for getting the kids up in the morning or dinner / bed time at night. I work from home only, which does help.

H is here for 1 day at the weekend with us and occasionally 2 days. He's on business trips a lot, that take him away for 1 week at a time.

Anyhow, even when he is here- he doesn't get in until after the kids have gone to bed. Ever.

This would all be fine, but the kids have been torturing me recently at night time. The one year old wakes a couple of times a night and the 3 year old sometimes wakes up and is just awake for a few hours and keeps wanting me to soothe her back to sleep. To say I am shattered is an understatement.

I often fall asleep with them at 8-8:30. My husband gets annoyed if I do this too often, because he wants to be entertained / see me too. I'm finding it so difficult. I dread him coming home and just wish I didn't need to worry about him too.

I've been unwell recently a lot too and it's just a lot for me to keep going. At the weekends I also have no energy, especially when I'm alone with them. I don't take them out nearly enough, because it's so exhausting for me. Anyway, it's been a tough couple of weeks. Early bed times for me, no intimacy for my husband and just generally pulling through somehow.

I can accept life is like this at the moment. The only thing dragging me down is my H complaining about how he never sees me/ I'm never intimate with him and how he's just eating dinner alone a lot.

But his schedule can't change right now and neither can mine. So why can't he just accept that this is the sacrifice that has to be made for now ? Unless he closes his business ? We haven't argued a lot lately and I'm feeling like soon he's going to blow up about it again. I just don't feel at peace.

Ultimately, it's him and his job that is causing this situation and I'd have that bloody argument with him time and time again!
How would he like it if the tables were turned?
Tell him to fucking grow up and be a decent husband and father. Useless twat.

The advent of shared custody for separated couples has dramatically changed the position for many unhappy mothers.

Women can no longer kick a man out and automatically expect to have the kids, keep the house and be paid maintenance. The modern woman has to consider the possibility she will not have her children for 50% of the time. Some women prefer that, others find it a very bleak prospect.

You sound so…passive.

Why are you tolerating all this? Why aren’t YOU blowing up?

Your husband has no respect for you.

he won’t help, won’t change anything, won’t try counselling, won’t get up in the night, won’t get up on a morning with kids, won’t engage in meaningful conversation to find a solution and is only concerned about his needs (shooting his load)

He sounds utterly, utterly repugnant.

Even if you had the energy I don’t know how your vagina would unclamp to allow him near you.

@gogaah my DH was similar. Out of the house from 7am until 9pm, sometimes later and often away. A couple of major differences though.

1. We both agreed I take the dc and house and stuff 100% for his career.

1. I did not have to work.

3 He paid for the cleaner and au-pair to give me a bit of breathing space.

Nothing like entitlement and exhaustion to suck the joy out of a marriage.

I’m not one to jump to a LTB response but actually I think I’d consider separating in this situation. I just wouldn’t be able to respect him. And it honestly sounds like your life would be easier without him.

Is he making serious money (like £200k plus) to justify being absent so much?

If he blows up at you tonight for being tired, after you got up at 7am this morning whilst he lay in bed till 10am himself, he is an utter dick

Point out that he'll have to step up when you separate and you go for 50/50

Did he want his children?

Totally agree with the majority of the comments here. Why is he so focussed on what he wants and not what you need? He really is a selfish arse, and I wouldn't be worried about him blowing up, I'd have chewed his fucking head off by now. You need to shrug off the guilt, OP, and get properly angry about the situation he's putting you in.

I could have had some sympathy for him here… as yes, you do have to make time for each other regardless of having DC if you want your relationship to be a good one…

…but that sympathy vanishes when he does fuck all to facilitate that. It sounds like everything is put on you - kids, house, his needs. What does he do in return?

Let him blow up and then give as good as you get. He needs a reality check.

The chances of that happening here ... 🤣

You'd be surprised....

Oh, poor, darling DH. He is missing out on intimacy.
But so are you.
Tell him its your turn for a week away and he needs to cover the childcare, and you'll be full of beans when you get back.
Do remind him its only one week, whereas you do every other week.

Well yes, if he had a personality transplant and started parenting 50 %... instead of never being in the house, I'd be very surprised! And over the moon if I was the op.

urgh. Get rid. I would have to say to him if he doesn’t like it, change it or go away. He’s just making your life harder.

Indeed 😂! Is this man really going to want to care for little children 50% of the time?

Sorry, was @GabriellaMontez .

He is not entitled to sex. Yes it is nice when bith people want it and can act upon their desire. I would see what things can be outsourced so you have time for u, and then you as a couple. This could be u outsourcing chores or him outsourcing some of his work commitments

Op, I get that you don't want to hear some of the replies. I didn't either, and I also thought it would get better as the children got older.

And it did, in some ways. But the housework was relentless, the school runs, the clubs, they stayed up later, so the evenings shrank. And he still moaned, didn't help at all, wanted sex, wanted our social life back. I had no peace at all. No space. No time to myself.

He should be pulling his weight. If he doesn't, please don't have sex just to stop him kicking off...it doesn't take much for it to turn into coercion and, believe me, that is a dangerous path.

That's no kind of marriage OP. And not because you're too tired for sex, because your DH's business hours are totally incompatible with maintaining a relationship and being a parent. He's trying to have it all isn't he? Doing exactly what he wants because you're there to do everything else. Can he not just get a regular job? Otherwise how on earth can your relationship survive this? You must be starting to feel resentful for taking 100% responsibility for raising and caring for your kids alongside working and maintaining a home! Your basically a single parent (with extra income).

I think you should tell him you can’t face sex because you can’t risk having another baby to
look after on your own!

Many men become interested in shared custody when they are told how much it reduces maintenance.

Great answer !

Yeah we both make good money tbh. I have a nanny but it's just to cover my main working hours 9-5, Mon-Fri. It does help, but not as much as you'd imagine. My older child also goes to nursery 3 days a week.

The nanny covers the minimum childcare I need to be able to work full time. It's not some sort of magic solution ( unless of course I had her for longer, but we don't want to pay even more ). Yes we could pay even more, but we are trying to save as much as possible, to make it worth all the sacrifice.

But in the case of preschoolers, the cost of childcare and the hard work involved in caring for them (and associated impact on career) usually outweigh any savings to be made in maintenance unless they're a very high earner.