I'm just too tired for my DH and I know it's going to blow up again soon

[gogaah]

I've recently returned to work from maternity leave. ( new job ).

I've got child care covered for my 1 and 3 year old.

My H is self employed, extremely busy and out of the house or on business trips, most of the time.

He's never there for getting the kids up in the morning or dinner / bed time at night. I work from home only, which does help.

H is here for 1 day at the weekend with us and occasionally 2 days. He's on business trips a lot, that take him away for 1 week at a time.

Anyhow, even when he is here- he doesn't get in until after the kids have gone to bed. Ever.

This would all be fine, but the kids have been torturing me recently at night time. The one year old wakes a couple of times a night and the 3 year old sometimes wakes up and is just awake for a few hours and keeps wanting me to soothe her back to sleep. To say I am shattered is an understatement.

I often fall asleep with them at 8-8:30. My husband gets annoyed if I do this too often, because he wants to be entertained / see me too. I'm finding it so difficult. I dread him coming home and just wish I didn't need to worry about him too.

I've been unwell recently a lot too and it's just a lot for me to keep going. At the weekends I also have no energy, especially when I'm alone with them. I don't take them out nearly enough, because it's so exhausting for me. Anyway, it's been a tough couple of weeks. Early bed times for me, no intimacy for my husband and just generally pulling through somehow.

I can accept life is like this at the moment. The only thing dragging me down is my H complaining about how he never sees me/ I'm never intimate with him and how he's just eating dinner alone a lot.

But his schedule can't change right now and neither can mine. So why can't he just accept that this is the sacrifice that has to be made for now ? Unless he closes his business ? We haven't argued a lot lately and I'm feeling like soon he's going to blow up about it again. I just don't feel at peace.

Just checking OP that I have this right?

You don't want to have a weekend off. You want DH to leave. You don't want to be married.

You can accept life as it is now, you just can't cope with her husband. You can cope with going to bed at 8pm and not seeing your. husband. Do you in fact ever want to see your Husband?

You haven't tried to increase the Nanny's hours. You have no time for her DH on the weekend as you are far too busy cooking and doing the laundry which you re able to do despite being exhausted and frequently ill. You haven't planned anything for Father's Day.

Have you told the truth to your husband about how you are and what you feel about him?

OP are you ghosting your husband and waiting for him hopefully to explode so you can justify leaving the marriage or preferably for him to leave the marriage?

I agree with those saying you need to blow up at him.

The lie in thing, the fucking off while he is home instead of pulling his weight and giving you a hard time about not being his entertainment needs knocking on the head. You need to lay it on the line for him because he clearly hasn’t go a clue what a selfish arsehole he’s being.

If he has the temerity to bring this up again, walk out of the door and leave him to it.

Why wouldn’t you mind doing everything?

He knows what the problem is but he’s not changing anything. Just getting on with it isn’t an option if you reach breaking point.

he needs to realise that being exhausted and having a completely unsupportive partner is a huge turn off. The longer it goes on, the longer you’ll not feel up for sex.

he wants his needs met but he’s not bothered about your needs!

What solution has he suggested to the problem? If he opens his mouth about it again, just shoot him down.

Don't defend yourself, just ask him what he intends to do to improve the situation. Come home early? not go away as often? pick up after himself and do some washing? cook some meals? order some shopping? get a cleaner? get a gardener so DH doesn't have to do the garden stuff which frees him up to help you?

This is not just your problem and if he wants you to be less tired then he needs to help you to find a solution. you can't just make yourself untired.

Also, his type of absolutely hands off selfishness would lend me to think he is very likely to be unfaithful type.

Someone committed to you doesn't behave like this.

Abusive arseholes do.

So you are very unwise to be skimping on paid help.

He isn't around nor helpful when he is.

You need to pay for proper help, not the bare minimum.

You're only self sabotaging by killing yourself doing it all.

100% agree.

@Lifescary where are you getting all that nonsense from? OP's husband is fully selfish and unwilling to accept that this is a stage that will pass, and that for now if they want to stay together they will both have to suck it up.

Don’t wait for him to blow up, bring it up now. Tell him that you will be going to bed early because you had to do the night wakings and the 7am wake up and now he can choose: does he prefer a ‘zombie wife’ and an early night Sunday again OR does he agree to handle this night and let you sleep until 10am tomorrow.

And don’t be weak, it has to be both night wakings and lie in (which is what you usually do!) otherwise you won’t be rested enough to guarantee you will stay up later.

What makes you think OP wants to make a go of her marriage?

My DH is you in our situation (WFH 9-5, part-time nanny, part-time daycare), and I’m your DH (massive job, travel most weeks). The way we make it work without my DH losing his mind:

• nanny does 100% of housework: laundry, dishes, mopping floors, etc while the DCs are at daycare or napping (or she gets them to “help”)
• I cap my trips at 3-4 days. My colleagues all travel much much more, but I’m willing to take the (very) small career hit in order to be, you know, an actual parent
• weekends are split: we each get a lie-in until 9/10 on either Saturday or Sunday. Not both.
• we each get a (separate) evening out every 2-3 weeks with our friends, while the other looks after the DCs
• we split tasks on weekends so that we each are spending roughly equal time with the DCs while also getting through DIY, work, relaxing, whatever

If your DH cared, or if he were a woman, I 100% guarantee he would find a way to be more present. The sex is a red herring here. The problem is that he has opted out of family life.

OP has suggested couples counselling. Her husband has refused. This suggests he thinks the problem is all her and she's going to have to do all the fixing while he changes nothing. He should be stepping up in his free time and he isn't.

Are you perchance a handmaiden? Or a man?

I haven’t read the full thread but did see you have a nanny and both earn good money. You need to get a cleaner/housekeeper/mother’s help type person too.

You know what.. it's fair enough for me to go to bed really early again tonight

It absolutely is, and when he moans about it just dryly reply 'perhaps if you'd got up at 7 with DC and left me in bed until 10 I could manage to stay up later'. I would drop it in very casually and conversationally, not accusatory at all and then leave the room/change the subject and just see whether the penny drops if you leave him to ponder.

You shouldn't have to do any of the above, I know that and so do you but sometimes pointing out in the moment how much you have on your plate and the ways he could (and should) be sharing that load is more effective (and less upsetting) than letting things build up to the inevitable row. I would be making a habit of baldly and unemotionally drawing his attention to each and every one of those instances where he could have helped you, and just how little time you have to yourself/how little sleep you're getting while he is not there.

It sounds horribly transactional but effectively if he wants you to have time/energy for him then he needs to step up and take some stuff off your shoulders. Definitely time for a work/life balance conversation too, he's putting everything into 'the future' and missing out on the here and now. Not much point building a future for his family if by the time he gets to enjoy it he has kids he has no relationship with and a wife who's full of resentment because she had to do it all alone 🤷🏻‍♀️

Yep. Sex. FFS.

It’s an impossible situation to be in.

Interesting, like you I think the sex is a red herring I just get the feeling that it is the OP who has opted out of family life.
That said I'm very impressed with the relationship you have with your family and the compromise you are prepared to make in your working life.

forget about waiting till becomes easier why isnt he helping out when hes there?

why did uyou not get a lie in today-why are yu cleaning up after him-he sounds uselss at leat if split up you wouldnt feel on edge wondering what mood he in

Yes OP was prompted by a question about couples counselling.

I am glad it is only that that makes you think OP wants to make a go of her marriage. I couldn't find anything else either.

Family life tends to involve spending time with your children.

And then a man posted a totally made up story.

Do your household finances stretch to having a cleaner for a few hours a week to free up some family time at the weekends?

I read posts like this and I cannot understand why the women are still married to the men. What possibly benefit does he bring to your life? He’s a selfish prick who doesn’t love you or his children - if he did he would be a better husband and a better dad. How can he see you that exhausted, know you do all the nights and then stay in bed until 10am. I know it sounds harsh but why are you with a man who clearly doesn’t respect or love you?

Honestly, you should preempt any shit from him by blowing up at him. I would ask him why he thinks it’s ok to do absolutely nothing to support you or his children. And how the fuck he has the audacity to then moan about little old him. I would also tell him how deeply unattractive it is and how much it makes you not want to have sex with him.

@Lifescary yep, you're a man. You can't see that the main part of the problem is that OP is getting zero support from her husband, who is also the father of his children.

What OP needs to do is go away completely - not for a couple of days, for a whole week. Her husband needs to spend that week doing everything she does, completely by himself. The cumulative sleeplessness, the loneliness, the housework - everything. Otherwise he will not learn.

But he won't do it because he's fundamentally selfish.

My grace period has expired

Not yours his. Tell him if he doesn’t change his attitude you will be considering a separation. He’s an unpleasant sex pest.

I’m boggling at this from you lifescary - I just get the feeling that it is the OP who has opted out of family life.
I can’t even begin to imagine how you think.