I'm just too tired for my DH and I know it's going to blow up again soon

[gogaah]

I've recently returned to work from maternity leave. ( new job ).

I've got child care covered for my 1 and 3 year old.

My H is self employed, extremely busy and out of the house or on business trips, most of the time.

He's never there for getting the kids up in the morning or dinner / bed time at night. I work from home only, which does help.

H is here for 1 day at the weekend with us and occasionally 2 days. He's on business trips a lot, that take him away for 1 week at a time.

Anyhow, even when he is here- he doesn't get in until after the kids have gone to bed. Ever.

This would all be fine, but the kids have been torturing me recently at night time. The one year old wakes a couple of times a night and the 3 year old sometimes wakes up and is just awake for a few hours and keeps wanting me to soothe her back to sleep. To say I am shattered is an understatement.

I often fall asleep with them at 8-8:30. My husband gets annoyed if I do this too often, because he wants to be entertained / see me too. I'm finding it so difficult. I dread him coming home and just wish I didn't need to worry about him too.

I've been unwell recently a lot too and it's just a lot for me to keep going. At the weekends I also have no energy, especially when I'm alone with them. I don't take them out nearly enough, because it's so exhausting for me. Anyway, it's been a tough couple of weeks. Early bed times for me, no intimacy for my husband and just generally pulling through somehow.

I can accept life is like this at the moment. The only thing dragging me down is my H complaining about how he never sees me/ I'm never intimate with him and how he's just eating dinner alone a lot.

But his schedule can't change right now and neither can mine. So why can't he just accept that this is the sacrifice that has to be made for now ? Unless he closes his business ? We haven't argued a lot lately and I'm feeling like soon he's going to blow up about it again. I just don't feel at peace.

Go to bed early tonight and if he complains tell him he had a 3 hour lie in this morning, if he's chosen to get up and let you lie in you might feel like you had the energy for him.

sorry OP you are married to a massive total arsewipe who doesn't deserve to have kids

'I'm sure tonight it will blow up if I don't do what he wants me to do. My grace period has expired'

He sounds like a rapist/imprisoner more than a husband. So sorry you're being made to feel like this.

IF this is not as abusive as it sounds, say 'yes I'm on the same page as you I miss sex and intimacy so much too. I can't get in the frame of mind to feel like doing it right now though with everything on my plate. Can we talk about this (say time:date) and make a plan together about how we can help each other to feel happy and connected with each other. He should agree to that I hope. You could also send that in a text to him so he doesn't bother asking tonight

I have had some of the same problems with my husband in the past albeit I only had one child. I went back to work and found I was doing all evening and weekend childcare. I was drowning. So i know the exhaustion you feel! It’s unimaginable

In terms of speaking to your husband - I had to do a lot of sit down evenings on the sofa with a cup of tea and say look we need a house meeting. Half the time we had a production catch up about relationships workload and intimacy.

a good way of explaining things to men is videos by Jimmy On Relationships (Facebook or Instagram) it’s got a good video about why women don’t fancy a shag when men aren’t being helpful, considerate, thoughtful, empathetic, supportive etc

This. What is even the point of him. It doesn't even sound like a marriage and that's without having young kids. I couldn't even be attracted to someone like this. He really really does sound awful op.
Do your kids even know who he is. It sounds like they don't even have a bond with him?

Do you do absolutely fuck all childcare or housework too and are absolutely exhausted having only had a few hours of sleep here and there for years?

Don't forgot the OP has also been unwell a lot recently

He's being very selfish to expect you to do all that alone, feeling tired and be up for it at night. I had 2 very clingy children too so I feel your pain. Bedtime was so bad with my youngest. I ended up going to bed at the same time as them 😂 so I could function for work. Couples counselling may help here.

I'd say this :

"DH, I am beyond exhausted, because I am doing all of the night wakings and getting up at the crack of dawn. If you do all of the night wakings tonight, and give me a 10am lie in tomorrow, then I will be up for sex tomorrow"

I'd probably also add that he would get his leg over far more often, if he pulled his weight meaning that you weren't so tired.

Bet he finds a reason not to do it.

You should take turns at weekend lie-ins. That is how we managed.

However, I hate to say but if he is being an entitled, selfish arsehole now, I can't see it getting any better.

stop messing about and cut to the chase, ie make a PRIVATE plan to get shut of the cunt at the earliest opportunity

OP, it worries me that you don't seem to grasp just how sickening that last sentence is.
A husband that blows up at his exhausted wife for not having sex with him is a domestic abuser.
You seem to just think he's being a garden variety twat but it's so much worse than that.

if you start planning now OP you can have a managed orderly exit where you are in control of things and you can work it all to your advantage. If you keep hoping this leopard will change his spots you'll end up leaving when you're a shell of a person who just cant cope any more and he will have all the power, which he will use to punish you.

I would leave this page up on a computer that he is going to see.
https://www.gov.uk/divorce

Tbh I don’t know why you’re afraid of the blow up. Sounds like the issue needs to come to a head and you need to tell him that you’re not happy and you’re not going to be having sex and your current life set up is not working for you.

do not placate him with sex. Something needs to change

And your husband is LITERALLY going awol week in and week out while you EVERYTHING at home, and to thank you for all this, he comes home) after his children are asleep) to whine that you're too tired to put out and be a dick in general.

Wow. What a winner you have there.

I'd print out your post and responses and hand it to him next weekend ... as you head out the door, weekend bag packed, letting him deal with the 1 and 3 year old all weekend on his own from the moment he walks in the door, until he has to leave again Monday morning.

He sounds like a selfish dick.

If he’d got up at 7 with the baby, let you sleep in til 10, made you breakfast in bed and cleaned the kitchen then you’d feel a lot more likely to want to be in his company this evening.

He’s reaping what he’s sowed.

You've got the rough deal here, you are on 24/7, he's working away and enjoying the evenings to himself and a good night's sleep. He comes back recharged whilst you are run into the ground. Rather than expecting sex and entertaining if he was a decent husband he'd get the kids up and take them out and allow you to fully recharge at the weekend. This phase isn't forever!

Sex should be discussed not completely ignored you are married afterall but he needs to understand how exhausted you are. We are in the zone with 3 young children, terrible sleepers etc, our sex life is very minimal at the moment as we are both exhausted and are barely ever alone. We are open and talk about it and it isn't because we don't want to, it's just we have 0 time or energy. We don't work away but we both work ft so we are equally both knackered, things are also 50/50 so there's mutual understanding how hard it is, we both feel it.

I think commication is important when raising young children, your relationship is often the last on the priorities list. Talk to your husband, make him understand how you feel especially as he doesn't seem to grasp just how hard things are for you, he isn't there he doesn't experience it. He should 100% be stepping up at the weekend and allowing you to have a day off.

we are trying to save as much as possible, to make it worth all the sacrifice

Only you are sacrificing, OP. Your husband is using YOU to do HIS share of parenting and housework and general adulting. I am absolutely horrified that HE had a lie in (until ten!!!) while you got up with the kids, having been up with them in the night as you always are - and then he had the temerity to sod off outside leaving you with them and the house AGAIN. And then he complains that you are tired, because you're doing his share as well as yours. He is a crap husband and father. Men are not all like this.

He really is the absolute dregs as a father and husband.

Despite his working he gets a full night sleep uninterrupted, yet slept in till 10 this morning.

Have you really NO concept of how selfish that is?

Clearly your relationship bar and self esteem must be very low for this to be all you expect from a partner.

He is truly a selfish loser.

Just checking OP that I have this right - the kids virtually never see their dad, you get half a night's sleep, do 100% of the childcare, beds, baths, mornings, everything, do 100% of the housework (I'm presuming) and you're lucky to see him one day at the weekend, and all this on top of working from home?

And his response is he's not getting enough sex from you, and eats dinner alone too often?

Honestly OP if I got the above correct, he is absolutely bloody revolting and you need to give him a reality check somehow. He's treating you like absolute shit.

@gogaah but apart from sex all his other needs are being met

whereas none of yours aren’t even the basic need to be treated as an equal partner and human being. Instead you are merely there to service his needs

Are you from a culture where this kind of subservience is more normal?

This

You are making all the sacrifice. He is sacrificing nothing while he has comped meals and undisturbed sleep day in and day out ... and gets to lie in when he deigns to come home for a night or two at the weekend while you carry on killing yourself 24/7.

FFS

He is being a complete dick!