I'm just too tired for my DH and I know it's going to blow up again soon

[gogaah]

I've recently returned to work from maternity leave. ( new job ).

I've got child care covered for my 1 and 3 year old.

My H is self employed, extremely busy and out of the house or on business trips, most of the time.

He's never there for getting the kids up in the morning or dinner / bed time at night. I work from home only, which does help.

H is here for 1 day at the weekend with us and occasionally 2 days. He's on business trips a lot, that take him away for 1 week at a time.

Anyhow, even when he is here- he doesn't get in until after the kids have gone to bed. Ever.

This would all be fine, but the kids have been torturing me recently at night time. The one year old wakes a couple of times a night and the 3 year old sometimes wakes up and is just awake for a few hours and keeps wanting me to soothe her back to sleep. To say I am shattered is an understatement.

I often fall asleep with them at 8-8:30. My husband gets annoyed if I do this too often, because he wants to be entertained / see me too. I'm finding it so difficult. I dread him coming home and just wish I didn't need to worry about him too.

I've been unwell recently a lot too and it's just a lot for me to keep going. At the weekends I also have no energy, especially when I'm alone with them. I don't take them out nearly enough, because it's so exhausting for me. Anyway, it's been a tough couple of weeks. Early bed times for me, no intimacy for my husband and just generally pulling through somehow.

I can accept life is like this at the moment. The only thing dragging me down is my H complaining about how he never sees me/ I'm never intimate with him and how he's just eating dinner alone a lot.

But his schedule can't change right now and neither can mine. So why can't he just accept that this is the sacrifice that has to be made for now ? Unless he closes his business ? We haven't argued a lot lately and I'm feeling like soon he's going to blow up about it again. I just don't feel at peace.

A classic case of a man doing absolute zero at home, but expecting his “needs” to come first.
I can’t believe on his day off he would sleep til 10, after previous 6 nights of uninterrupted sleep, while you get up at 7 and do everything once again.
LTB in this scenario definitely sounds like it would make your life easier. Him on the other hand, he would barely cope with kids EOW, let alone 50:50.

On a practical level, can you hire paid help. A regular cleaning lady so you don’t have to worry about cleaning and laundry. A nanny so you can get a few hours for yourself, maybe a nap.

In your DH's head you're being unreasonable Op , he works long hours and expects to come home to a hero's welcome and a wife who's missed him. He has no idea how tired and pressured you are because he thinks being at home with kids is a breeze. He won't go to councilling in case they say he should change and he thinks that's unnecessary. Bugger having a grace period Op, he can't force you to agree to sex. Time for a big row, he's being unreasonable

As a short-term solution, I think you should ask the nanny if she'll do some additional hours to give you some downtime/extra time to invest in your career, as well as headspace to make plans for the future.

OP, seriously, tell him you need to talk this through. Without the children around. Explain what you've told us. He's going to react in one of two ways.

If he listens, tries to work with you towards a solution, then you've got a good chance of working through it.

If he doesn't listen, tries to defend himself, blames you, won't accept any responsibility, then you have a problem.

There's a pattern to the second one. Many of us have been through it.

Of course you're a zombie, you are literally doing everything.
He needs to cut his hours and be a bit more present.

Your DH is completely unreasonable and an arsehold.

However I do think you might need to be about more realistic and increase your nanny’s hours in the short term if it stops you being run ragged. We are just coming out of the childcare years with 2 small kids and financially are in ruin 😂 but we paid for the help we needed to work and survive without feeling completely burnt out. It’s a short term cost and may make you feel better. Could the nanny stay a couple of hours later 2 nights a week so you can meet a friend, go to the gym, go for a walk, join a club or do whatever you need to do to feel the valued individual and not just ‘mum’ that you are?

on the subject of DH I’d leave him. Either for a week to give him a taste of reality with small kids or forever if he won’t change. You deserve better.

What has he suggested he can do to help?

Your husband’s behaviour is awful. Incredibly selfish and entitled of him to expect you to do all of the childcare, and house stuff, and night wakes, early morning wakes and your own work. He’s behaving like some teenage lodger and then still expecting all of his needs to be met, but none of yours. When does he even spend time with his own children? No wonder you’re a zombie. You have no support. I hope you can muster some courage to have some difficult conversations with him about the imbalance between you. Something has to give. At the moment, it’s your mental and physical health that’s failing, but it sounds very unsustainable.

Good luck. The intimacy issues are the tip of the iceberg here.

Omg extend your nanny’s hours. Is saving a bit of money over the next 18 months worth losing your health and sanity?

A nanny who is only present when you are working is not "help," she's just childcare. This does not give you any downtime. You go from working on work, to working on childcare after work, to getting up with the kids in the middle of the night. If you break down your rest hours compared to your husband's, you'll get a better picture of your relative downtime and where things need to be rebalanced. So for example:
You:
7-9 am: get up with kids, get kids ready for the day
9 am to 5 pm: work.
5 pm to 9 pm: dinner, take care of kids, put kids to bed.
9 pm to 10 pm: tidy house, clean up dinner.
10 pm: go to bed.
10 pm to 2 am: sleep
2 am to 5 am: get up with daughter.
5 am to 7 am: sleep
7 am: wake up again for next day's work.

Husband:
7 am: wake up, get ready for work.
8 am: leave for work
8-9 am: commute
9 am to 5 pm: work
5 pm to 7pm: go for drinks with work colleagues after work
7 pm to 8 pm: commute home
8 pm to 10 pm: relax
10 pm: go to bed.
10 pm to 7 am: sleep
7 am: wake up again for next day's work.

You can see in that schedule that your husband has two periods of downtime:
5 pm to 7pm - drinks with work friends
8 to 10 pm - relax

He also gets more sleep as he's not up from 2 to 5 am with a child.

If he actually works from, say, 9 am to 7 pm, then he's also working. Even then, you are getting up with a child overnight. So you are getting less rest time.

If you feel you can't hire more household help because you want to save the money, then I think you have to realise that money is being saved by taking away from YOUR rest time. Your husband is getting his needs met. You are not.

You need more help! I get like this anc my husband is mainly there and does his share. But he does go away for work quite a bits and I look after the kids 2 days a week.

For me there is a huge difference in when I want intamacy and he doe. Basically if I'm tired and have had the kids all day the last thing I want is sex! I want to be left the f@ck alone! I want my own space. Same if I'm stressed. Where as he wants sex when he's tired and stressed and thinks I can just finish putting the kids to bed and pop down stairs and be instantly ready.
What helps me is actually scheduling it. It really helps as I don't feel like I'm going to be jumped on after bed time and we can do it at a time when we can actually enjoy it (mainly on wfh days). Plus he knows that he has a much better chance of me being in the mood if he puts the kids to bed for a couple of days after a work trip to let me recover.

Have you asked him what his solution would be? It seems he’s complaining a lot without thinking of anything to make the situation better. Have you told him you feel you’ve lost your kind, caring fun husband as he’s never around-and when he is, he’s complaining. See if he appreciates it.

He sounds horrible. If he cant see you are doing absolutely everything and that you are completely exhausted (and most likely a zombie as you’re awake half the night), then I think you need to seriously think about if you are better off without him. You are already living pretty seperate lives and you said yourself you dread him coming home. You sound like a strong person and a super mum who deserves alot better than this.

Why is your relationship so uneven that he gets to just work and make demands on you

has it ever been discussed that if he were present and involved your marriage might be better

I was you 15 years ago op. Wouldn't countenance divorce because 'it wasn't that bad'.
Finally did divorce 10 years later, thank God he had an affair, as selfish men do, gave me a catalyst.
I am approximately 1 billion times happier now he's gone, and wish I'd done it sooner.

Of course you're a zombie. You must be absolutely and utterly knackered. And the reason you are that, is due entirely to the fact that your husband is a completely selfish arsehole.

There are nice men out there, I'm sorry for you that, like me, you didn't choose one to marry.

What does he bring to your family? He sounds bloody awful.

A PP said that you should blow up first. I absolutely agree. I'm sorry he isn't getting regular sex but you're not getting vital things - appreciation, kindness, a team mate.

Your H doesn't sound like he gets the concept that the nanny isn't help in terms of running a house, she is childcare so you can work- no different to a nursery.

You still have the 'get ready in a mornings'- washing, cleaning, cooking, get children ready for bed etc -- well I presume you do, unless you have a cleaner or housekeeper as well as a nanny.

I've met very few women with full time high paid demanding jobs and young kids and a similar husband/partner who also had very frequent sex lives, even with nannies and cleaners and even less when the H appears to do sod all apart from their job

OP this via really difficult and he sounds extremely non empathetic about you carrying so much of the load. However I would encourage you in the strongest possible terms to get more help. I just accepted that until DC started school I was going to spend my entire salary in childcare. Savings are becoming healthier now they are! Even hiring someone through Koru kids or extending the nanny’s hours for two evenings a week would make a big difference - these years are so tough, be kind to yourself

If he’s home today why don’t you have a sleep or go out.
He can do all the other stuff.
It seems like you have three children not two.
Can I suggest you get him to watch ‘ Tully’ on Netflix and tell him that’s how you feel.
I should say the dh is supportive in the film so it’s not an exact reflection.

He only needs to see the beginning to get the gist.

You are a zombie and he has lost his wife but this is HIS fault! It's his responsibility to make HiS work work for HIS family.

He's had almost 4 years to sort it out since your first pregnancy

Next time he's home op, book a hotel for the night he arrives and go the second he walks in the door. Come back only when he's on his way to work two days later. No, twenty minutes before and tell him you expect head.

If you think that sounds outrageous and you couldn't possibly do that to him, consider that he does it to you EVERY. SINGLE. DAY.

If you’re both earning well over six figures I’m not sure why you couldn’t just pay for help at least for one extra morning / overnight. You’d still have plenty of money left over if you’re earning as much as you say.

It wouldn’t be my first choice - I’d rather have a DH who pulls his weight - but if that’s not going to happen then this is what I’d do.

I agree a nanny won’t solve the problem if they’re only covering your working hours.

I would throw money at this right now. He either helps out more or it hits the pocket big time.

He sounds like a really selfish arsehole.

You are making a hugely false saving not paying for extra help when you can.

If you become seriously ill, you're screwed.

Get more help.

You are close to getting the ick for this arsehole and when you do, it will be game over for your marriage.

He really is a selfish twat.