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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Starting to resent my partner for his messy house. AIBU?

183 replies

crabtheway · 16/06/2023 03:57

My partner inherited his grandfather's house in November. The house was built quite some time ago, has insufficient insulation, and has grown quite damp with extensive mould growth as a result of being kept idle. The pillows we sleep on are even covered in mould.

I've tried to be pleasant and respectful to my partner because he lets me stay in his home on weekends, but since I started sleeping over every weekend, I've discovered that I'm becoming prone to any and all illnesses.

I asked if I could stay over on Friday and clean his entire house while he was at work, and he was more than eager to oblige. The truth is that I'm starting to resent him as I feel disgusted and physically sick by his living conditions. AIBU?

Before anyone asks, yes, I have discussed it with my partner several times, but he always had an excuse and didn’t want to spend his days off cleaning. I cleaned his kitchen and bathroom over three weeks ago and he still hasn’t unloaded the dishwasher, and the mess returned within a few days. He has no underlying issues but is rather a lazy individual who smokes weed 24/7.

When I told my mam about my weekend plans, she objected strongly that I clean his house and reminded me that I am his girlfriend, not his cleaner. My father is completely useless around the house, and my mam comes home from work to do housework, and I guess she's worried I'll wind up living that life as well.

He said if I ‘did all that’ (deep clean) would ‘probably marry me’ and my heart sank a little reading his message. After speaking with my mum, I don't want to clean his house, but I feel I have little choice because I can't live in a messy environment any more, and I'm coming to resent him for his clutter. AIBU?

OP posts:
FrozenGhost · 16/06/2023 04:04

YABU to not LTB.

mjf981 · 16/06/2023 04:05

He smokes weed all the time and lives in pig sty? Dump and move on OP. He won't change.

GaspingGekko · 16/06/2023 04:07

Please just walk away from this relationship. He will never change, you will only resent him more as time goes on.

CrazyArmadilloLady · 16/06/2023 04:10

For God’s sake, up your game, OP.

YAB completely U.

If you stay with this man, sorry to say, but you deserve everything you get. You know what he’s like. He doesn’t even try to hide it.

Sorry - but no sympathy for you, whatsoever.

Naaaaamechange · 16/06/2023 04:10

Get well rid. He doesn’t respect or value you, or he’d at the absolute bare minimum ensure a hygienic environment for you to stay over in .

I wasted nearly 5 years on a man like this and the lack of care and respect eventually showed itself in other areas too (ignoring me when I came over/not offering food/expecting me to pay for everything)

You are worth so much more. Chuck this one back .

RantyAnty · 16/06/2023 04:10

Lazy dirty weed smoker.

LTB

ineedspace · 16/06/2023 04:24

Get rid while you still can. What do you see in him? He sounds terrible.

Original poster
crabtheway · 16/06/2023 04:24

I think a lot of people think I over exaggerate when I say he smokes weed 24/7 but I genuinely think he is addicted, and would be unable to function without it.

He has a THC vape which makes it easier for him to smoke just about anywhere. He has smoked it in work, on dates, and I think since we have been a couple (November) he has only left the vape at home once.

We have gone on a few road trips or days out and the vape comes along and he smokes it throughout the day, and then continues to drive.

A lot of the dishes (some mouldy) he has lying around are often from takeaways or cereal he ate late at night while he had the munchies. He could go through a whole box of cereal in one sitting while high and then leave the cereal box lying around.

OP posts:
HolyFire · 16/06/2023 04:26

Why would you choose to be with a man like that?

Original poster
crabtheway · 16/06/2023 04:28

ineedspace · 16/06/2023 04:24

Get rid while you still can. What do you see in him? He sounds terrible.

In fairness to my partner, he is ironically incredibly hygienic when it comes to personal hygiene. He takes good care of his appearance and grooms himself frequently. He takes more time than I do to get ready!

When we first met, he would never come empty handed and always made sure I was looked after and had what I needed. He took great care of me and continues to be caring but I feel like he’s just gotten way too comfortable way too quickly. He compliments me daily and reminds me how much he loves me and is always trying to building my confidence up.

OP posts:
Original poster
crabtheway · 16/06/2023 04:30

crabtheway · 16/06/2023 04:28

In fairness to my partner, he is ironically incredibly hygienic when it comes to personal hygiene. He takes good care of his appearance and grooms himself frequently. He takes more time than I do to get ready!

When we first met, he would never come empty handed and always made sure I was looked after and had what I needed. He took great care of me and continues to be caring but I feel like he’s just gotten way too comfortable way too quickly. He compliments me daily and reminds me how much he loves me and is always trying to building my confidence up.

Show quote history

This posted too soon, but we do have a lot of fun together also, we go to gigs and recently travelled and have more intentions to travel.

I don’t want to completely knock him down on here because he does have some redeeming qualities. I just personally am a complete clean freak and have really come out of my own comfort zone by being in his house as often as I am, but I’m starting to feel physically sick (while becoming sick) when I am in his environment.

OP posts:
Violasaremyfavourite · 16/06/2023 04:38

I am not a clean freak and this would revolt me. Mouldy pillows and dishes. I am appalled at him driving while vaping. He may give you compliments but really he's a pothead living in a filthy house which he can't be bothered to clean. I think you need to raise your bar rather than taking to cleaning his filth.

JaukiVexnoydi · 16/06/2023 04:42

Don't marry him
Leave him
He can either do cleaning hinself (he's too lazy for that) or pay a professional cleaner (probably too cheap for that and would rather spend the money on weed) or can opt to live in filth, but fgs have some self respect and don't do any more cleaning for him.

You don't need to be "respectful" and "polite" to someone for "letting you" stat over. You are valid and worthy of respect in your own right, can take up space and can expect decent living conditions. You do not have to pay rent in the form of cleaning services for the privilege of sleeping at your boyfriend's house.

He is not your "partner" - don't use that word which implies a partnership of equals. He's either using you (if he's been angling to get you into this feeling of such low self-esteem that you accept this setup) or just simply doesn't care about you that much (if he'd be just as happy to continue living in filth if you didn't do anything about it). Get rid.

Codlingmoths · 16/06/2023 04:44

‘Your dirty house not only upsets me, it makes me ill. I can’t come over anymore, so we have to meet somewhere else.’
his reaction will tell you a lot. But I think this relationship is done- the weed is a huge red flag, and the lack of cleaning etc another one, and both are hard to change. There’s no future unless you want to be his cleaner, motivator and the breadwinner as weed addicts aren’t usually very successful.

Dita73 · 16/06/2023 04:46

Not exactly a catch is he

Primrosefrill · 16/06/2023 04:48

Op what are you up to. This guy is a complete loser.

Seddon · 16/06/2023 04:48

So putting aside the obvious LTB for a moment, can't you both just hang out at your place? What did you do before he inherited the house?

Ragwort · 16/06/2023 04:49

Why are you standards so low? You are choosing to be with someone who smokes weed 24/7 and lives in a filthy, mouldy home?
If his company really is so great [hmm?] you could still go out to gigs or whatever you like to do with him without staying at his place ..
but you'd be far better off without him.

Original poster
crabtheway · 16/06/2023 04:54

Seddon · 16/06/2023 04:48

So putting aside the obvious LTB for a moment, can't you both just hang out at your place? What did you do before he inherited the house?

When we first started dating I lived in a different city two hours away & had a shared apartment with one guy (a dream to live with and was so clean), but he was away on weekends so my partner would stay with me on Saturday’s and the occasional Sunday.

I relocated home ( and live with my parents after years away which is tough) for a new job & to save money to emigrate. My partner and I are from the same town but a forty minute drive apart. My family home is in an estate and really small, having my partner over isn’t really an option because we would have no space or privacy here.

TRUST ME - I would only love to have my apartment back and our old set up. Everything would be SUNSHINE and RAINBOWS then.

OP posts:
PermanentTemporary · 16/06/2023 04:57

Yes I'd agree just don't go to his any more. Then you have to decide whether you want a relationship that is not going to go anywhere in terms of living together etc.

It is just possible that you telling him you're not prepared to be his cleaner could precipitate a change. It's not unheard of. But don't do it in the hope of changing him, do it because you can't live like that. Mouldy pillows??

I don't think I could be with anyone who vaped at all tbh - i had casual hookups with a couple of vapers and it wasn't appealing. But the idea of someone who gets high while driving and at work is a huge turnoff.

PermanentTemporary · 16/06/2023 04:58

I remember another hookup with a guy and we had to have sex on the sofa because he hadn't managed to tidy his bedroom. He was in his 50s! Not good.

Forgottenmypasswordagain · 16/06/2023 04:58

I'd not stay in an unhealthy enviroment if I were you.

He could hire a person to come clean and address the mold.

Original poster
crabtheway · 16/06/2023 05:02

Ragwort · 16/06/2023 04:49

Why are you standards so low? You are choosing to be with someone who smokes weed 24/7 and lives in a filthy, mouldy home?
If his company really is so great [hmm?] you could still go out to gigs or whatever you like to do with him without staying at his place ..
but you'd be far better off without him.

Honestly, the reason I stay is because it is a break away from home for me, but also by staying we have a place to be intimate & do the deed.

Our town is fairly dead when it comes to any events so we do travel for gigs & spend the nights away in hotels and Air BnBs which is a real treat. This isn’t sustainable to do every month let alone every week as the cost of hotels are extortionate!

Reflecting on this & reading everyone’s comment I can see how I am settling for below the bare minimum but I do love my partner and have gotten used to our routine. I don’t really want to end things with him (not yet anyways) even though I know I do deserve better. WELP!

OP posts:
PollyThePixie · 16/06/2023 05:04

He sounds like a real prize Op.

Freefall212 · 16/06/2023 05:06

You are an adult, you don’t need looking after. And he is an adult so you should be looking after him. But if you have set up a dynamic where he pays for things and looks after you then it does make sense that you clean and also look after him. Traditional gender roles and this idea of looking after other adults is not my idea of a healthy relationship but if it’s yours, the. It goes both ways.