Banned from school event.

[Wuzzlew]

Help!

My child has had a terrible time at school and technically leaves next Wednesday after final GCSE Exam.

School contacted me yesterday to say that due to poor behaviour choices they were no longer allowed to attend a series of after school or out of school leavers events.

However, there is also an awards ceremony next Friday for 1 hour. They have also been banned from this.

My child has significant SEN.

My issue is, which I’ve slept on and still can’t decide what to do is that they don’t want me tell my child until after their final exam.

Whilst this is sensible to allow them to focus on their remaining GCSE’s, it also seems cruel.

My child has chosen and selected gifts and written lovely letters to all their teachers which they are hoping to give out after the assembly.

They keep talking about the assembly to me and today when I collected them, mentioned how excited they were about the upcoming leavers events to teaching staff.

I feel like my choice is, tell them and potentially screw up their final GCSE’s as they probably won’t attend or let them go around school excitedly talking about events they are not going to be part of until the end of next week.

AIBU to think that I have been put in an impossible position and what would you do?

The SENCO is useless. I went to them two years ago and said, I think XYZ. They said absolutely not, no way. Three months ago they asked me if I’d thought about XYZ. JOKE!

@trulyunruly01 They want me to do it so I do it at home away from the school setting.

There is no way that schools get a bad Ofsted report based purely on one incident of two children arguing

Don't bet on it, our OFSTED hinged on 3 everyday words that a teacher had said. Not derogatory, not insuting just 3 words such as 'now try this' (not the exact ones). Those 3 words nearly got us RI. So yes ofsted reports do hinge on minor things.

Darling I'm so sorry if I sounded cross with you - I'm not - it just upsets so much and probably reminds me of a time I'd rather forget ! I'm a police officer and I'm used to presenting evidence and researching- and when I have the bot between my teeth I do t let go .

But read kiwonos posts . There is someone clued up - a force to be reckoned with I bet . And that's how we have to be - it's exhausting. But our kids really only have us to advocate for them at times like this - last push - it's nearly done with .

School was an utter nightmare for my ds from start to finish. And I'm sure they thought I was the most monumental pain in the arse ever - but I took up the fight with the LEA . And won .

This is just a fight over a leavers assembly - you can do this .

Nope nope and nope !!!!

God almighty .

No .

1. you need to challenge this robustly
2. yku park it firmly back on their toes !

Then yku go back to

1. challenge robustly

@neilyoungismyhero

If I started a thread to say that at school my child was surrounded by four teachers who were so close to them that their face was pressed against a wall and they were sobbing hysterically you would say that wasn’t plausible right? Well it happened and I saw it.

Obviously you don't tell your child before their final exam because you want them to achieve as much as possible. I'd like to ask how supportive you have been with/ about teachers in discussions with your child about teachers.

Unfortunately OP it seems your school is a bit shit.
I’m pretty sure I know exactly the type of student your son is - we have a couple of students who are similar at the moment. They are hard work and can cause disruption and issues when handled badly or wound up by other students but they are never horrible to teachers.
and they wouldn’t be excluded from this kind of event even if they had had an argument or a meltdown running up to it.
any teachers who might help you fight it? My colleagues and I would stand up for something like this if we thought it was unfair.

Unless he hurt another child or teacher or you think he might do something at these leaver events, I’d show up at the events and carry on as usual. So I agree with other pp that you should absolutely attend with your dc.

Oh yes course turn this around and make it the mothers fault .

I was very positive about the teachers that knew their job and listened to me

I wasn't so
Positive about the one who called me a "little woman" and squared up to me after he had assaulted my ds during a PE lesson .

The op sounds incredibly respectful and reasonable.

from me .

This is the last stand you'll ever have to make at school op - but do it for your child .

I wouldn’t tell the child. And behind the scenes I would fight this decision tooth and nail, pointing out the discrimination involved.

@salmonlinguineplease We have a very good relationship and I never react unless I am in full possession of the facts from all sides.

I have been told by school and other agencies that I am calm and measured and I am a good advocate for my child.

I have never gone in all guns blazing and I have never criticised a member of staff personally. I have always been factual whilst making it clear when situations have been poorly managed.

OP I'd ask these questions

1. Why can't they attend the leavers assembly? Is there some kind of perceived risk?
2. What happened to the other person they were arguing with?
3. Why didn't they tell you straight away?

That is not what people are saying. No-one is arguing that pupils with disabilities or complex needs should be immune from the consequences of those actions. However, schools need to manage such pupils properly.

Some schools handle SEN pupils very well. However, the evidence is that many schools are poor. Pupils with an EHCP are 8 times more likely to be permanently excluded than pupils without SEN. Pupils with SEN but no EHCP are 10 times more likely to be permanently excluded. SEN pupils are also more likely to be subjected to fixed term exclusions and illegal exclusions. The available evidence is that this level is simply not justified by the behaviour of SEN children. It is also true that many schools ignore all advice on how to manage the behaviour of SEN children.

It isn't always down to individual teachers. I gave advice on a case a while ago where a child was partially deaf, so could only hear teachers talking to her if they were on the correct side and she needed to sit near the front of the class to hear. The school knew this but chose not to tell any of the girl's teachers, resulting in her repeatedly being sat at the back of the class by teachers and disciplined by teachers who believed she was ignoring them when she simply couldn't hear them.

It is definitely true that some schools don't like any child who departs from the norm. I had experience of this with my eldest. She has asthma. She went on a French exchange trip. One day, a couple of boys let off a smoke bomb on the coach, triggering by far the worst asthma attack my daughter has ever had. She ended up in hospital. The school responded by refusing to bring her back from France, telling us that they would leave her behind if we didn't go and get her. As neither my wife nor I had a valid passport at that stage, that clearly wouldn't work. After a lot of argument, the school sent my daughter home by air. They then banned my daughter from taking part in the return part of the French exchange and banned her from all school trips. No disciplinary action was taken against the boys who let off the smoke bomb.

I would be absolutely furious at the school. Maybe this is the time to get the guns blazing, now you have nothing to lose.

They have failed your child for years. Leaving events are not just "jollies", they exist to help people mark the end of a period of their life, celebrate what that meant to them and transition to a new one. Given your child has significant emotional needs, it is even more important that they are included in this than the average student.

Meeting with the head.

I've done it.

Call for it immediately.

Be strong.

In my case, they resigned.

I think it sounds as though the school are at the end of the tether with your child. However, I can't imagine he's going to misbehave during that sort of event, is he? I think I would make a final appeal to the headteacher.

Good luck, OP. This sounds awful. I really feel for your DC and you. I can't add much to the advice on this thread but I hope your DC gets to attend.

He may not misbehave at all - this may be the school being so rigid about rules that he can't follow it's not a level playing field .

I was certainly at the end of MY tether with the school by the time my ds left .

It's a two way street .

This is devastating for you OP and I feel so sorry for your child. Can you offer to attend the ceremony and sit with your DC as a compromise? And offer to take full responsibility for helping them self regulate if necessary?

It’s not the same as I teach at primary level but we’ve had to invite the parents of two of our children to our leavers ceremony and explain that if their child wants to attend they have to sit with a parent and not with the other children, as we simply can’t trust them to behave. Much as this may be difficult for them and their parents, we can’t allow them to ruin the day for other children who don’t deserve to have their ceremony interrupted.

Is it possible that this is what the school are worried about and that you being there could mitigate that?

Well said.

I would follow this route OP, have seen this on far too many occasions- it’s not poor behaviour at all, it’s poorly managed SEN. l

That’s awful op. Go to the ceremony! Not going could seriously damage their self esteem!

Absolutely don't tell them. Those exam results might matter.

I am sorry that you find yourself in this situation. This doesn't sound like a rash decision due to a verbal disagreement. This sounds like a last resort on behalf of the school.

The school does need to think about the entire community, not just your child. (I say this as a parent of 2 ND children with ASD and ADHD, DH who has ADHD, and as a teacher). It won't have been a decision that is taken lightly.

I would definitely meet with the head and discuss in detail. I would not tell DC anything at all before exams. And then I would manage expectations from there.

Offering to attend ceremony with DC sounds like a realistic offer, and if it isn't, there needs to be a discussion as to why.