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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Banned from school event.

190 replies

Wuzzlew · 15/06/2023 20:32

Help!

My child has had a terrible time at school and technically leaves next Wednesday after final GCSE Exam.

School contacted me yesterday to say that due to poor behaviour choices they were no longer allowed to attend a series of after school or out of school leavers events.

However, there is also an awards ceremony next Friday for 1 hour. They have also been banned from this.

My child has significant SEN.

My issue is, which I’ve slept on and still can’t decide what to do is that they don’t want me tell my child until after their final exam.

Whilst this is sensible to allow them to focus on their remaining GCSE’s, it also seems cruel.

My child has chosen and selected gifts and written lovely letters to all their teachers which they are hoping to give out after the assembly.

They keep talking about the assembly to me and today when I collected them, mentioned how excited they were about the upcoming leavers events to teaching staff.

I feel like my choice is, tell them and potentially screw up their final GCSE’s as they probably won’t attend or let them go around school excitedly talking about events they are not going to be part of until the end of next week.

AIBU to think that I have been put in an impossible position and what would you do?

OP posts:
Ellie56 · 15/06/2023 22:13

Wuzzlew · 15/06/2023 21:48

@Gymrabbit My child’s needs, particularly emotional are complex. They adore the staff and the school but find it completely overwhelming. They want to be liked, they want recognition, they want to do well and follow the rules. Unfortunately, their emotions also get the better of them and they become emotionally distressed and display heightened behaviour. School uses the herding method, despite this not working, which then escalates the emotional response.

During a “meltdown” they can’t remember what they have said, which is usually offensive but about themselves. They have never been physical.

This is so sad to read. What a bloody awful school. They are clearly not meeting your child's needs.

Legoroses · 15/06/2023 22:16

Please try the SEN governor, or the governing body as a whole if there isn't a SEN governor.

I feel for you and your child so much. Best of luck getting a resolution.

Hercisback · 15/06/2023 22:16

@Imnotahoarderreally Yes really.

Approx 30% have SEN, some classes I teach have 25 students with SEN and at least 3 strategies per student. No I cannot remember them all.

Feel for the humanities teachers who see up to 400 students a week.

MissingMoominMamma · 15/06/2023 22:18

Sunnydaysareuponus · 15/06/2023 21:57

My dd had 2 suicide attempts last year and was in hospital for some time.

She then struggled to 'fit back in' at school after falling behind..
She isn't allowed to attend the prom due to attendance %..
In your shoes I would be contacting governors or the Trust. Whoever is higher than the twats who plan on imo causing irreparable damage to your dc mh...

That is fucking appalling.

Headingforholidays · 15/06/2023 22:18

AnyaMarx · 15/06/2023 21:23

I've advocated for people before now as my son now an adult has Aspergers - I successfully fought the LEA and won - it takes tenacity and energy but if you know your child and their condition you can do it .

I wouldn't allow this - at least I wouldn't take it lying down - I can't imaging the hurt this will cause and it seems needless when the school isn't going to even have to deal with them anymore ! They've been happy enough to allow them to stay in their school (and take the extra £££££ says the cynic in me )

Come in op fight it .

Struggling to imagine this mythical world where having SEN students brings in so much extra money for schools....

TeaMistress · 15/06/2023 22:18

I'm so sorry, it seems needlessly cruel and vindictive to exclude your child from leaver events on the basis of one incident. It seems utterly heartless of the school to make such a nasty spiteful decision. Even more cruel and harsh to expect you to wait until after the last exam and dump the responsibility on you to tell the poor child. The school come across as spiteful cowards. How nasty of them to want to spoil this for your child.

SunIsShininInTheSky · 15/06/2023 22:22

I wouldn't tell him, that'd just be silly. To be banned from the leavers do etc you'd have to do something pretty bad, you haven't said what he did? If he could potentially ruin the ceremony I can see why he would be banned.

neilyoungismyhero · 15/06/2023 22:22

I find it very hard to believe that the argument you have mentioned is the only reason the school have excluded your child from all these leaving activities. If there have been other issues you should have been advised surely .. what was the result of your going into the school to advocate for your child- what did they say? They must have come up with reasons for the exclusion. It doesn't sound plausible to be honest.

Soapyspuds · 15/06/2023 22:22

Remind the school that discrimination on the basis of disability is an offence under the Equalities Act 2010, and that you’re going to consult either SENDIASS or an advocate to ensure they’re not falling foul

I have zero time for schools being discriminatory because they can’t be bothered to learn the intricacies of their students needs

Oh I agree. Those with disabilities or complex needs should be immune from consequences are their actions. FML 🙄

I know a couple of teachers. Responses to threads such as this pretty much sum up why they are looking to change careers very soon.

News flash, if you want any good teachers left to educate their children then work with them rather than claiming your little darling is above the rules. That aimed at many of the replies on there rather than OP who actually comes over very well in how she is trying to deal with this.

TooOldForThisNonsense · 15/06/2023 22:23

FloweryName · 15/06/2023 20:45

It is still perfectly possible for children with SEN to make poor behaviour choices.

Show quote history

Of course. But if that arises in consequence of a disability it could still be discriminatory.

CouldIHaveThatInEnglishPlease · 15/06/2023 22:26

If you don’t agree with a schools strategies for dealing with your dc, there are other schools available which will better suit your child’s needs.

SEN does not excuse all bad behaviour.

you might think it was a minor disagreement that doesn’t matter, but the visitor could have been ofsted and now they are facing a rating of inadequate instead of their good, or it could have been an investor (assuming academy) who now suddenly doesn’t want to fund the new ICT suite, it could have been all the new year 7 parents, who are now changing their minds and taking their dc (and the associated funding) to other schools, it could have been an exceptional maths teacher coming for an interview for a post that has been filled with supply staff for the past 18months, who would provide a much greater impact to the other 1200 students in the school, then your child who leaves next week.
do not minimise the actions of your child. They behaved poorly and they have been sanctioned for that.

however, I do believe the school should tell your dc of the sanction - that is not your responsibility and it is shitty of them to do that

TooOldForThisNonsense · 15/06/2023 22:27

Zipidydodah · 15/06/2023 21:26

Meanwhile teachers and teaching assistants are been sworn at, slapped, punched, kicked, spat at, sexually assaulted by children who often have SEND needs but yeh …. but you are right …. It’s because we can’t be bothered.
SEND needs doesn’t mean poor behaviour is ok

https://www.unison.org.uk/news/2022/10/school-staff-face-violent-attacks-from-pupils-with-some-receiving-death-threats-new-research-finds/amp/

Show quote history

That’s absolutely not OK. But the fault is not SEN kids or teaching staff but a system that doesn’t provide adequately for those children with staff specially trained to meet their needs.

Chatillon · 15/06/2023 22:29

Tinkerbyebye · 15/06/2023 20:38

I would not tell them. I would also rock up to the awards ceremony, and they can explain to your child face to face

This. 100%.

Mulhollandmagoo · 15/06/2023 22:33

Has the other student your child was arguing with been banned? If not that is incredibly unfair.

Definitely don't tell your child until after the exam, maybe put to the school that they can tell them, so you can console them once they have heard the news? To make it easier for your child to digest.

ShepherdMoons · 15/06/2023 22:33

FussyPud · 15/06/2023 20:42

Remind the school that discrimination on the basis of disability is an offence under the Equalities Act 2010, and that you’re going to consult either SENDIASS or an advocate to ensure they’re not falling foul.

I have zero time for schools being discriminatory because they can’t be bothered to learn the intricacies of their students needs.

I totally agree with this. It's discrimination to exclude someone based on the fact that they are SEN.

Onelifeonly · 15/06/2023 22:35

Don't tell them at all. Turn up at the awards ceremony. What is the point of a punishment if a child is, presumably, leaving the school soon?

I have an SEN child. They were temporarily excluded just before GCSEs but allowed back for the last proper day of school and to take the exams. Also allowed to the final assembly which was the same evening and in the same location as the prom. Nasty head of house told my child after the assembly that they couldn't stay for the prom. Child told him they were staying, walked past him and went in. We were there for the assembly and went to talk to the head about it before leaving our child at the prom to make sure the hoh didn't try to insist they left. All was fine and our child had a great evening.

WhereTheSuburbsMeetUttoxeter · 15/06/2023 22:36

Don't tell your child.

How cruel is the school?!

Appeal directly to the headteacher's better nature. If not rock up anyway.

Missedmytoe · 15/06/2023 22:36

FussyPud · 15/06/2023 20:42

Remind the school that discrimination on the basis of disability is an offence under the Equalities Act 2010, and that you’re going to consult either SENDIASS or an advocate to ensure they’re not falling foul.

I have zero time for schools being discriminatory because they can’t be bothered to learn the intricacies of their students needs.

I'm with Fussy on this - if they want to apply sanctions then they need to do so with good reason. It's tricky ground excluding SEN children without reasonable cause and that reasonable cause should have been clearly communicated.
Maybe take the implied threat down a notch but make it clear that you're going to consult relevant sources as this sounds as though it falls under discriminatory behaviour.

AnyaMarx · 15/06/2023 22:39

headingforhildiays are you taking me that SEN children if on an ehcp does not now bring any extra funding all all ?

Because in the days of a statement extra funding was provided to
Cover the TA and the extra needs of the pupil

Is that no longer the case ?

cathcath2 · 15/06/2023 22:39

I would contact school and say that you want to better understand the poor behavioural choices that your child has been making so that you can better support your DC in the future. You need to have the detail of exactly what is happening so that you can fight it/decide not to fight it. On the face of it, it sounds discriminatory but only detail will tell you whether it is. Yes, as a PP has said, some people seem to think you can discipline SEN out of children. However, I have also met young people who want to blame everything they do on their SEND (when some of the behaviour is definitely a choice).

NeverDropYourMooncup · 15/06/2023 22:40

Headingforholidays · 15/06/2023 22:18

Struggling to imagine this mythical world where having SEN students brings in so much extra money for schools....

Show quote history

There must be a typo on the payments. That fifteen hundred quid per EHCP should have clearly been fifteen grand.

AnyaMarx · 15/06/2023 22:43

Oh and I'm still very interested to know why IF this child's behaviour was soooo bad why they were not excluded before the last day of school ?

Tomselleckhaskindeyes · 15/06/2023 22:43

Follow the formal complaints procedure to the letter. State that it is a formal complaint (if areas look at complaints)
Write a douzy of a letter quoting significant pieces of legislation and the SEND code of practice.

Kiwano · 15/06/2023 22:45

AnyaMarx · 15/06/2023 22:39

headingforhildiays are you taking me that SEN children if on an ehcp does not now bring any extra funding all all ?

Because in the days of a statement extra funding was provided to
Cover the TA and the extra needs of the pupil

Is that no longer the case ?

No, it's still the case. Local authorities have an absolute statutory duty to secure the provision set out in EHCPs. If that means they have to provide more funding than they want to, tough. The problem is that they pull the wool over schools' eyes by telling them otherwise and/or make schools jump through ridiculous hoops applying for money that the LA knows full well it must provide. Some schools unfortunately don't see through this because they don't take the trouble to inform themselves about the law.

Rubyupbeat · 15/06/2023 22:45

But surely a child with SEN can still make poor behaviour choices?