Banned from school event.

[Wuzzlew]

Help!

My child has had a terrible time at school and technically leaves next Wednesday after final GCSE Exam.

School contacted me yesterday to say that due to poor behaviour choices they were no longer allowed to attend a series of after school or out of school leavers events.

However, there is also an awards ceremony next Friday for 1 hour. They have also been banned from this.

My child has significant SEN.

My issue is, which I’ve slept on and still can’t decide what to do is that they don’t want me tell my child until after their final exam.

Whilst this is sensible to allow them to focus on their remaining GCSE’s, it also seems cruel.

My child has chosen and selected gifts and written lovely letters to all their teachers which they are hoping to give out after the assembly.

They keep talking about the assembly to me and today when I collected them, mentioned how excited they were about the upcoming leavers events to teaching staff.

I feel like my choice is, tell them and potentially screw up their final GCSE’s as they probably won’t attend or let them go around school excitedly talking about events they are not going to be part of until the end of next week.

AIBU to think that I have been put in an impossible position and what would you do?

If that is happening, it suggests that the child's needs haven't been properly identified and/or provided for and/or that children need more specialist provision. But, far too often, schools find it easier to exclude them rather than help their parents get the right provision. Witness the wholly disproportionate numbers of children who get excluded.

@Gymrabbit My child’s needs, particularly emotional are complex. They adore the staff and the school but find it completely overwhelming. They want to be liked, they want recognition, they want to do well and follow the rules. Unfortunately, their emotions also get the better of them and they become emotionally distressed and display heightened behaviour. School uses the herding method, despite this not working, which then escalates the emotional response.

During a “meltdown” they can’t remember what they have said, which is usually offensive but about themselves. They have never been physical.

Huh? What right do parents have to find out about staff member's disabilities and needs? If the staff member wants them to be informed, fine, but you can't possibly claim that parents have some sort of duty to ferret out their personal information otherwise.

Horrible people. I'm so sorry this is happening. Why do they think punishing your child at this point in time is appropriate - its just cruel and unneccessary - presumably they are out of there and never going back?

I would
not tell them
do as pp says and turn up to awards event with your child
and then hang them out to dry on the basis of institutional ableism, for the sake of all the other kids to follow

Agree with other posters don't tell them the gcses are more important. However did the school give you warnings prior that this could happen. I would ask fir a meeting and explain how they are excited to say bye to teachers etc see if they could come for the end of assembly. Hopefully you can find a compromise with the school !

This

You really need to fight this. It may have a very serious effect on your DD if she is rejected. Why are mainstream schools so shit at this stuff.

I have been on both sides of it: I have been the staff member and have also been the parental advocate of a child whose needs have been poorly understood.

I have found, personally, that secondary schools are more likely to have poor reactions to children who do not conform to the narrow definition of acceptable. Granted, my experience is two secondaries, with two separate children. Neither violent, neither impacting others, both seriously let down by a system that needs to realise that they cannot sanction the disability out of pupils.

In my, again limited, experience, there is often an assumption at secondary level that an awful lot of young people who have invisible disabilities could just choose not to be as they are, and sanctioned for not doing so, which is discriminatory.

Take him away during that week as a surprise.

My dd had 2 suicide attempts last year and was in hospital for some time.

She then struggled to 'fit back in' at school after falling behind..
She isn't allowed to attend the prom due to attendance %..
In your shoes I would be contacting governors or the Trust. Whoever is higher than the twats who plan on imo causing irreparable damage to your dc mh...

This is awful! I wouldn't tell your child until after the exam but definitely pass it back to the school to tell them about the ban. Why should you be the bad guy? I'm so upset on your child's behalf, and for you of course x

Yeah, take along an emotionally vulnerable child to an event they desperately want to attend but will probably be rejected from at the door. That won’t in any way be humiliating, provoke a meltdown or be distressing for the child or embarrass them in front of their peers. Great idea.

For your child’s sake OP please don’t do this. On the face of it the school is absolutely in the wrong, but making a big public show of it at the event will just be awful for your child.

They don't but they come in telling staff they have no idea and are too lazy to learn about a condition that in my experience said teacher sometimes has themselves. The point I am making is they want their child not to face discrimination and rightly so but often they are the ones doing it to the staff themselves.

Absolutely this.

I have a son like this - there is no way I would accept this consequence. I would speak to everyone and escalate it rapidly to get him to go to the assembly.

Try IPSEA

https://www.ipsea.org.uk/

They don't but they come in telling staff they have no idea and are too lazy to learn about a condition that in my experience said teacher sometimes has themselves.

Absolutely.

I've lost count of the times I've been sworn at or physically assaulted by a pupil, spoken to home and it's been "oh it's fine they have SEN". No it isn't fine, when they get a job they can't go round swearing at people, slamming doors in their face, pulling them, hitting them with a door. You wouldn't accept that at work, why should I?

I have zero time for schools being discriminatory because they can’t be bothered to learn the intricacies of their students needs.

I have zero time for parents who have no understanding that secondary teachers teach at least 200 different students per week. It would be impossible for me to know the intricacies of all their needs.

I wouldn't say anything until after the exams as they are more important in the long run but I would organise something fun instead so it distract them. I.e. cinema, pizza, bowling, pool ... and then maybe he can meet with friends and teachers after the event is finished to give the gifts outside the school grounds.

I don't think it's a big deal... the only reason I remember school leavers was due to a surprise geography award and then I remember the teachers chasing off the school grounds after the event finished.

Are you absolutely sure this being banned is linked to one incident? Or did they say something really really offensive during the argument that maybe you haven't been told. I've never known of kids being banned from leavers assembly ever, prom quite often

Additional needs cannot be an excuse for poor behaviour teachers and other students should not have to put up with it, it is all well and good labelling 'discrimination' but students need to learn personal responsibility and it is not all about them, they are one of many.

If parents won't teach them the school has to put up with it somehow

Same, this level of punishment for a fallout with a friend??

You are right @Blueskysunflower. I had a very strong emotional reaction to what was happening. Leave out the second point and fight back hard instead. Horrible for you. Potentially devastating for your child. I would ask them why your childs GCSE results matter to them but not their emotional well being.

Really?
My sil runs a school kitchen that has to feed 1200 pupils.
She absolutely has to know the different allergies that some of the pupils have.
It’s a matter of life and death. But obviously it’s a percentage just as of your 200 pupils only a minority will have special needs unless you teach in a special school.

Literally what?!