To think the parents of children who are in childcare would like to see them more often?

[tori32]

I CM and have several sets of parents who finish work early on many occasions who never collect their child early. I know I am paid and it does not bother me in the slightest to look after them for their agreed hours, I just feel sorry for the child because they are missing out on this extra time with parents who work full time.

I was a working mum for 3 months (as in not CM) but always collected dd early when I finished early because I wanted to spend time with her. AIBU?

"Can anybody say that a childminder or nursery does a better job than they could. Someone else is teaching your child about life, about their morals and ideas, how to talk, seeing first steps"

I have 3 children who have all attended nursery 7-8 hours a day 5 days a week. They are fairly similar in personality and just like you can probably recognise your own personality traits in your children, I can recognise mine. Its not like the children "graduating" from nursery are all the same because they have been taught about life, morals and ideas, how to talk and walk in nursery. The strongest influence in children in childcare will always be their parents/family. I very much raise my children just like you raise your children, but they also get outside influences from nursery and the children in nursery. I could tell you a few things they have learnt in nursery and not at home, but all of them positive. I think nursery has been a positive supplement in their upbringing.

Nicetry: "My arguments are that the ideal situation is for a very young child to be cared for by it's parents."

Newsflash!! A child of working parents is still being cared for by his/her parents. Just because a child goes to childcare does not mean the parents are not the MOST SIGNIFICANT influence on their lives. You say you are a working mother. Are you going to disagree with this? Whatever childcare you use, if that were to evaporate tomorrow, your dcs will still be absolutely fine because you and dh are still there.

"I realise this is impossible for many parents so they get the next best care possible. Why can no-one admit this?"

I use a nursery because I have to go to work. It is not the next best care. It is a different environment which, yes, at the start I needed to get them used to. But now they love it, so I don't really compare the care at nursery with care at home. It is different. Children look for different things from their parents and when they are at nursery - I mean, if you feel you need to, that says more about you than anything. Do you ask your dh whether he thinks the care he got from his mother is better than the loving touch you provide at home? If your dh is happy, why does it matter? It is just silly and guilt-inducing talk.

"Can anybody say that a childminder or nursery does a better job than they could."

Yes, a cm/nursery can provide a stimulating environment along with lots of other children. Something I cannot consistently provide when I SAHM with dcs because I have chores to get out of the way. Again, why compare who is doing a better job? The children love it, they get a varied day and cuddles from loads of people. What is not to like?

"Someone else is teaching your child about life, about their morals and ideas, how to talk, seeing first steps."

That is just You. Let go. Just because someone else saw the first steps does not mean they are any less special. As for teaching a child about life, I love it that dcs get to hear other viewpoints from people of different backgrounds because I am humble enough to realise that dh and I are not Perfect. And I have the rest of my life to teach dcs about life as you put it. Nowhere does it say it must be crammed into the early years.

"How can it be as good for someone else to get all the benefits and joys of raising your beautiful child."

So it iS all about you. I prefer to think that if my child is happy, and someone else has joy from him, it's bloody fantastic.

My Ds2 still goes to his CM and I am on maternity leave! That must make me a terrible mum! He goes for less than 8 hours per week(over 2 days)and one session he could actually go to pre school for free. My CM is so fantastic and I didnt want to lose my place. DS2 gets so much from going there and whilst I have my DS3 who is 4 weeks old and permanently attached to my boob, it gives DS2 who is a very lively 3 year old some quality time with his CM who is worth her weight in gold.More change (ie cutting out the CM) at this time would be a disaster.

If I felt that she was judging me for this I would be very upset. Especially as the decision to keep sending him is because she is so great.

So YABU, very unfair to judge parents who are employing you to look after their Lo's.

Mum2Sons, you sound like a top mum to me!

Think this is a silly thread

chelsygirl, with respect not everyone has the choice to be at home... ok let me qualify that:

when i had my eldest ds, as a single parent, i could have sat at home merrily claiming benefits however I consider benefits are not a career choice, they are at most something to get you out of a short term problem. If you are fit and able you should be at work, rather than relying on the state for support. so i found a full time job, and my son, from the age of 7 months went to a cm for 10 hours a day, 5 days a week.

not every working parent is a single parent - however many still need financially to work, given that for anyone who has got onto the property ladder in many parts of the country in the last 2 years, you need 2 incomes to pay your mortgage... also many work for other reasons, all equally valid.

ateotd, a childs parents whether they see them for 10 minutes or 10 hours a day are still their parents, and still know them better than anyone else, and are still raising them too!

anyone like to suggest that as my children are at school for 6 hours a day and therefore spend more time there than either with me or their cm, that their teachers are raising them? thought not!

Blueshoes - great post. And the last bit says it all. If someone is fortunate enough to have the choice and decides to be a SAHM because she doesnt want to miss out on a moment of her child's life, then fine! But be honest about it - you're doing it because you want to. It doesnt mean your child is going to be happier or 'better' in any way though. So please dont try to use the 'it's best for the child' reason to justify what you want to do.

MsHighWater

I don't stay at home - I am a working mum. I still believe no-one can care for my children as well as I can!

MsHighWater

I don't stay at home - I am a working mum. I still believe no-one can care for my children as well as I can!

That's fine then NiceTry. Just don't make the generalisation from your own experience. My kids think I'm the best mum in the world, and dad is the best dad in the world. But dd1 always used to after school club was more fun than coming straight home from school, and ds said his CM was a better cook than me! That's cool, I'm not threatened by it.

Glitterball - once a child is of school age they are probably ready for more time out of the home. Indeed I believe that once a child gets to three (two and a half for some) they benefit from a place in a pre-school setting for a short time everyday. What I do not believe is that babies and toddlers benefit from spending 8 or even 10 hours 5 days a week in a nursery away from their parents, whilst still realising for some their is no 'choice' about this.

We learn more in the first five years of our lives than the rest put together and what we learn and from whom in these years is terribly important. Once again - in my opinion and I am still very much in the minority so rest assured.

'there' for 'their'

NiceTry - my mistake but it makes your posts all the harder to comprehend.

"I still believe no-one can care for my children as well as I can".

Are you consumed with guilt that your kids go to childcare while you work? I'm happy with the choice I made. If you are not happy with the choice you have made/ been forced to make then I'm sorry for you. Everyone should be able to make the right choice for them and their family without being made to feel guilty - no matter what that choice is.

My nursery can look after my dd perfectly well and, as I've said previously, can give her some things that I would struggle to provide. Not everyone feels that way and I think it's great that so many women have the freedom to choose between different options. I wish more of us did.

Nicetry - school starting age is an arbitrary thing. In some countries children start earlier and in some, later. So are you saying that the the child is magically 'ready' for more time outside home at whatever age happens to be the school starting age for where they happen to live?? All the ages you give are completely arbitrary. Some children thrive on lots of interaction at age one, some at 2 and a half, some children arent very sociable at all and struggle with school (and indeed life) right the way through. I know some adults who are less sociable than toddlers! But as you say, this is just your view.

Mrs Highwater

you are making assumptions - my kids don't go to childcare when I work. I am lucky enough that my husband cares for them on these days. Still don't think he does it as well as me though but then he thinks he does it better!

yes you are lucky... same way i am lucky to be at home with DCs now. it is more often luck, rather than wanting, that often allows us to have the ideal we all strive for.

and to chelsygirl and to tori.. in the vain hope of getting a reply, why work in childcare if you so clearly disagree with the ethos of full time working parents using paid for childcare???

You don't even think your DH can match you. Good Lord.....

it is not kind or empathtic to be in what you perceive as the 'ideal' and then heap scorn and guilt over those who do not have the ideal

Lulu, pls can I come to the pub too?

oh yes....i;ll ge tthe pints of gin and tonic in !

Brill. I'm on bacardi and coke though. Never mix never worry, that's what I say!

Nicetry, the fact that you are the best person to look after your dcs is still YOUR view though. I am surprised your dh disagrees. I thought it would have been self-evident in your household if you were that great.

"We learn more in the first five years of our lives than the rest put together and what we learn and from whom in these years is terribly important."

Fundamentally disagree. Children learn throughout their lives. I don't recall anything I learn before 5 - don't have memories at all. I remember my teenage years clearly and spent a lot of my teenage years forming my worldview. Listen to the mothers of older children like Fairymum and Alfiesbabe when they say that their schoolage/teenagers need them more than ever before. I take my cue from more experienced parents because I know I don't have all the answers.

Lulumama - I cannot heap scorn and guilt on those who are happy and never feel guilty because they are secure in their choices.

If anyone feels scorned or guilty then maybe I have hit a nerve. I doubt it however because challenging fulltime daycare seems to be the last taboo.

I've read this thread with a really sinking heart and a lot of anger. I'm angry that women who get paid for looking after other women's children judge them. I'm angry that women who have the luxury of not having to send their children to childcare judge those women who do.
My DS enjoys the days he spends at nursery. He's been off sick all week and we went to friends for lunch today and there were eight other kids there and he had a ball. Made me realise how bored he gets home alone with me.
Not all children are the same. And how dare some of you judge other women for childcare which isn't a choice but a necessity for many of us? How dare you?
This board really gets me down - I had no idea so many women spent their lives being so fucking smug and judging other women so much of the time. It makes me really ashamed to be a women tbh.

And I'd go one further and say that a mum who thinks even her DH isn't as good at parenting as she is, has serious issues with her self esteem. Have more confidence in yourself NiceTry, that your entire sense of worth does not have to be bound up with your parenting skills. Let your DH parent your kids too - and hey, maybe he'll actually build up great relationships with them. Even better, let them out of the house to playgroup/nursery and let them enjoy the wonders of the wider world. And if you're feeling extra generous, allow other people to gain pleasure from being with your lovely kids. You never know, it might even be good for your children's self esteem to build positive relationships with other adults. Right, where's me G and T Lulu

Spicemonster - I am sorry you are angry but you prove my point. If it is a luxury not to have to send your child into 'childcare' then you agree with me - it is not the preferred option. I have said in most of my posts that the majority of families who do this have no choice and I certainly don't judge them.