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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think the parents of children who are in childcare would like to see them more often?

1008 replies

tori32 · 21/02/2008 21:46

I CM and have several sets of parents who finish work early on many occasions who never collect their child early. I know I am paid and it does not bother me in the slightest to look after them for their agreed hours, I just feel sorry for the child because they are missing out on this extra time with parents who work full time.

I was a working mum for 3 months (as in not CM) but always collected dd early when I finished early because I wanted to spend time with her. AIBU?

OP posts:
Oblomov · 22/02/2008 16:21

Nicetry :
"If however, you chose to work for 'you' while your kids are tiny then I sympathise with your children"

Styep away oblomov, step away. I can ffel my blood boiling.

CALM CALm Don't let her get to you obby............

alfiesbabe · 22/02/2008 16:21

And your quote proves whatNiceTry?? For every quote arguing Steve Biddulph's view, there'll be another so-called expert arguing the opposite.
And NiceTry, thanks for the offer, but I doubt working parents want your sympathy. We're fine. So are our children.
Hi Lulu - I didnt realise you'd asked the same thing - wonder if we'll get an answer

Lulumama · 22/02/2008 16:21

if only life was as simple as choosing to work......

if you have worked hard for a degree or worked you up the career ladder, not going back after you have a baby, or taking a 5 year career break can leave you at the bottom again...

bills and mortgages have to be paid, even when children are small

life is not that easy , choices about how we parent, are so personal, and no-one likes their choices roundly criticised especially not by a child care provider

and i have no axe to grind as a SAHM who works sporadically...

that is all very well for steve biddulph et al., but when i had to go back to work when DS was 6 months old, as i had to pay the bills, and had no nearby family to look after him, i put him in nursery rather than have my house repossessed. am fairly sure steve biddulph would not have picked up my bills for my DSs formative years

Lulumama · 22/02/2008 16:22

i doubt it alfie!

Judy1234 · 22/02/2008 16:24

I choose to work. I prefer it to childcare. Lost of housewives have nannies and prefer their leisure to childcare too. I love being with the children but not all day every day. Most people are like that.

Children do better if parents work for all kinds of reasons. Indeed you might damage them if you stay home with them.

Kathyis6incheshigh · 22/02/2008 16:24

LOL Hatwoman, we could use words like 'codependent' and 'suffocating'.

The trouble with the 'you lot are getting all wound up so you must be unhappy with your choices underneath' argument is that it would make just as much logical sense to apply it to the OP and wonder if her need to judge everyone else meant she was actually trying to prove to herself she was doing it right. Ie, it would make no sense at all.

sagitta · 22/02/2008 16:24

When I leave work in 30 mins, I will go to nursery, pick up very tired toddler, and go to Sainsburys. It will be hard to get her out of the nursery, where she is very happy - but it closes. Sainsbury's will be busy. We will both cry (I'm PG). I love her - but when both of us are knackered and shopping it is no fun for anyone. What we'd like to do is go home and read stories before bed. But we can't, that's life.
This thread has put me off CMs for life.

Judy1234 · 22/02/2008 16:25

I tend to find housewives get more het up under the collar than working mothers actually probably because under neath they know they've made the wrong choice. I never mind people saying it's better for children if the blood mother is attached to the child 24/7 because I just know they're wrong.

WallOfSilence · 22/02/2008 16:26

I'm neither SAHM or WOHM.

I am here for my kids most days.

The days that I am not here then someone else who loves them & likes spending time with them, is.

How's that bad?

Bangandthedirtisgone · 22/02/2008 16:26

I remember being gutted on a family holiday we went on with a package firm - when we got to the hotel there was a kids club, but only for the children who had come with a different holiday company. The following year my parents booked somewhere else with that company and when we got there the kids club was being run by a different company. That year the other company let me, my brother and cousin join in. I can still remember the fun I had to this day - treaure hunts, fancy dress competitions. My parents never chose for us to go to kids clubs - we chose that ourselves. From my POV it was a lot more fun being at the kids clubs than trawling around little spanish caves and touring villages in a hire car.

Oblomov · 22/02/2008 16:26

Why am I so angry.
Oh yes, thats right, it must be the guilt.
Nothing to do with an offensive post , then ?

juuule · 22/02/2008 16:27

Xenia

alfiesbabe · 22/02/2008 16:27

Well said sagitta. I hope CMs like those with the OPs views get boycotted and then they'd have to get off their arses, go out to work and quit judging!!
(No offence to all the lovely CMs out there who do a fantastic professional job, but the OP clearly needs sorting out!!)

chelsygirl · 22/02/2008 16:27

well, viggoswife?

don't you want more???

is being happy with your children not enough these days then??

I pity some kids

southeastastra · 22/02/2008 16:29

for someone with a great high powered job xenia, you sure post on here alot. are you really that fulfilled or is the job quite dull.

NiceTry · 22/02/2008 16:29

I am not a SAHM, I work three days a week

WallOfSilence · 22/02/2008 16:30

Don't pity mine.

They don't need pity.

They need a sane mum.

And a roof over their heads..and electricity and food....

hatrick · 22/02/2008 16:31

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

potoroo · 22/02/2008 16:32

Well I must be the worst kind of mother then. I am temporarily a SAHM while on maternity leave, and I've chosen to keep DS in nursery a few days a week.

Presumably when we all go visit the family abroad next month for the first time in 2 years and the GPs offer to take the DCs so DH and I can (shock horror) go out by ourselves for the first time in I don't know how long, we should say 'no, we want to spend all our time with them'?

Judy1234 · 22/02/2008 16:32

sagitta is that because the £5 cost of home shopping delivery is too expensive? I never go to the supermarket if I can help it but I am lucky enough to be able to afford the £5 I suppose.
(se, depends on the day and the week. I have to get an early flight to a work thing tomorrow, Saturday. I've never said I was high powered, whatever that means)

Lulumama · 22/02/2008 16:32

i am very happy with my children, but that does not mean when i am working i love them less..nor does it stop me having aspirations, that will ultimately mean i will see less of them when they are older... i want to train as an antenatal teacher and then as a Midwife. i know i will spend less time with my children.. but at what point is it ok to spend less time with them? age 4, age 6, age 10... who is to say?

children who have parents who are happy, secure in their choices, who do the best for them, whether that means working long hours or not, are not to be pitied.

Oblomov · 22/02/2008 16:33

Then your comments shock me even more Nicetry.
I only work 2.5, so I suppose that automatically makes me a better mum than you. I mean why would you CHOOSE to work 3 ?

Is this your first thread Nicetry ?

alfiesbabe · 22/02/2008 16:33

Bangandthedirtisgone - well said. I remember feeling the same when I was little - my dream holiday would have been doing fun activities with other kids rather than being dragged round the sights while arguing with my siblings!
And FWIW, I found starting nursery school at nearly 5 years old really traumatic (I clearly remember the first day kicking and screaming) because I'd never looked after by anyone apart from my mum or granny.
The truth is, SAHMs who are judgemental are usually the ones who make that choice because they want to do it. The SAHMs I respect are the ones who say,'I'm lucky enough to afford to stay home and I'm doing it because I want to. It won't necessarily make my children any happier or well adjusted, but I'm doing it for me, not them.' Why can't people just be honest about it??

viggoswife · 22/02/2008 16:34

Well it makes you look rather narrow minded to assume that I havent had more doesnt it? I am a SAHM who loves being with her kids - therefore I must not have achieved or done anything and must be rather limited is that right? I find that sort of marginalisation rather unpleasant myself. But hey if you want to be that person.......?

georgedontdothat · 22/02/2008 16:37

I am a sahm of 5 , and when my second youngest started nursery I actually considered putting my dd 5 (age 13 months at the time) with the local CM one day a week.

Just so I could regain my sanity that one day a week if that meant having a spring clean or going to bed and reading a book with a cup of hot chocolate than so be it.

Everyone needs time to recoup and time on their own now and again .

What a judgey judgey thread

I would just like to say too that I will always think twice now about leaving my dd with a CM as a lot always seem to be on here slating the mindees parents

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